Our Political Party Accounting Department office has this little red box on the wall with the sign saying: "IN CASE OF EMERGENCY, BREAK GLASS." 

Inside are two tickets to Brazil.

 

 

 

At the Women’s Empowerment Conference Q&A:

Q: Is there a class being held somewhere, “Accounting for women”?

A: Sorry, there’s no accounting for women.

Janet Street Porter walks into a bar and says "I'd like a large aperitif"

The barman replies "You'll be lucky"

 

 

A visibly exhausted and distressed man walks into a bar and orders a strong drink.

"Long day?" the bartender asks.

"No, all days are 24 hours long" the man replies, amazed at how uneducated the bartender is.

A history professor and a psychology professor are sitting outside at a nudist colony
History professor: "Have you read Marx?"
Psychology professor: "Yes. I think it's from the wicker chairs."

I accidentally took a swig from a bottle of Tippex instead of my liquid Viagra.

Now I've got a massive correction.

4 hours ago, ballpoint said:

I accidentally took a swig from a bottle of Tippex instead of my liquid Viagra.

Now I've got a massive correction.

It is OK you can rub it out?

29 minutes ago, VocalNeal said:

It is OK you can rub it out?

I thought he would just rub it in private and not out and about!

Just now, scottiejohn said:

I thought he would just rub it in private and not out and about!

No need to rub it in.

3 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

No need to rub it in.

If you have used Tippex how do you/your partner find your member again? 

Asked his GF to pleasure him with her car keys but she just kept fobbing him off?

Just now, scottiejohn said:

If you have used Tippex how do you/your partner find your member again? 

I didn't paint it on, but swallowed it.  Now I can't see myself coming or going.

Just now, VocalNeal said:

Asked his GF to pleasure him with her car keys but she just kept fobbing him off?

Don't get me started.

23 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

Don't get me started.

Why? is it a turn off? 

Ps;  Just make sure you don't get clamped together.

 

THINK BEFORE YOU ACT!

A company, feeling it's time for a shake-up, hires Marvin as the new CEO. As the new boss, he's determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, he notices a guy leaning on a wall with his hands in his pockets just looking about at the busy scene. 

The room is full of very busy workers and Marvin wants to let them know he means business. He walks up to the guy and asks,

'How much money do you make a week?'

The young fellow looks at him and replies,

'I make $300 a week. What has it got to do with you?"
Marvin hands the guy $300 in cash and screams,

"I am the new Boss here and any time I see anyone loafing around here doing nothing they will get one weeks salary and escorted off the premises. Here's a week's pay, now get out of this place and never come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, Marvin looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

One of the workers answers, "He's the pizza delivery guy waiting for fee."

After an office leaving-party blowout. John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
    "Louise," he moaned, "tell me, what went on last night? Was it as bad as I think?"
    "Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful voice. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face. You said, 'You are an arrogant, self important pr*ck, pi*s on you!' And you did, all over his suit. So he fired you on the spot."
   'Well, screw him,' said John.

 

   ‘I did. You're back at work on Monday."

IT IS BETTER NOT TO ASK SOMETIMES!

The beer company held a contest to select a slogan for the new beer they had just developed. They advertised all over and received thousands of submissions.
    The panel of judges finally settled on one particular entry—“Love on a Lake."
    The president of the company said, “I like the name but I'm puzzled as to how the contestant selected this name. If he can explain the meaning. I'll be happy to award the prize to him."
    When asked for the explanation, the winner responded, "Well, 'love on a lake' is f***ing close to water, and that's what this beer tasted like!"