A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.

A huge heart, covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.

The beautiful heart then closed, sealing the doctor inside, forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry. I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted. 

A newlywed couple gets a special present for their nuptials; A brand new sports car.

As they leave the wedding, they are so excited they drive faster than they ever had.
"Faster! Faster!!" Yells the new bride.
"I'll make you a deal." Says the groom with a smile. "If I do 200mph, you take off your dress. Deal?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous wife.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off her dress.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car soon skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.

The naked girl was fine, but the groom got jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her private area, the giri ran down the road and found a service station.

Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station attendant. "Please help me! My husband's stuck!"
The attendant looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do... he's in too far." 

Kid bit and got Caught Hook Line and Sinker!!!!

18 hours ago, fasteddie said:

B Bumble and the Stingers!

Nut Rocker.

A priest, a doctor and an engineer were playing golf, but the group of blokes in front of them were so bad and slow that they soon complained to the greenkeeper. “Those are the worst golfers ever!” the doctor whinged. “What’s wrong with them?”
“They’re blind firemen,” the greenkeeper replied. “Last year the clubhouse caught fire and they saved everyone inside, but lost their sight in the process.”
“That’s horrible!” said the priest. “I’ll say a mass for them this Sunday.
“Yeah, that’s awful,” the doctor added. “I’ll refer them to a mate of mine who’s an eye specialist.”
Then the engineer piped up and said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

17 hours ago, ballpoint said:

“Why can’t they play at night?”

With dayglow balls for the caddies benefit!????

There are two statues in a park,
One of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Urn, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.

This time, I 'II hold the pigeon down and you crap on its head.'
 

A woman with a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his aunt, but I'm glad I came.'
 

Who is going to own up to who she is describing on TV?

I am not pointing any of my fingers at anyone in particular!!

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't
getting any respect.

Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a large sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door. 

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had
taped a note to the sign that said.

 

"Your wife called, she wants her bedroom sign back!" 
 

3 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

Who is going to own up to who she is describing on TV?

I am not pointing any of my fingers at anyone in particular!!

 

She's actually saying........ "it was this far from choking me !"

????

 

 

44 minutes ago, CharlieH said:

She's actually saying........ "it was this far from choking me !"

????

Big Mouth? no just a little swallow!????

Edited April 19, 20197 yr by scottiejohn

They must be taking the p1ss !!

There was a terrible shipwreck; just 4 survivors. A jew, a muslim a christian and an atheist.

After they recovered from their ordeal, they made a plan. They agreed it best to split up, do their own thing, and meet on the beach 12 months on. There were plenty of materials, from the wreck, and the 4 went their separate ways.

 

Twelve months later they gathered on the beach as agreed, and told their tales of the previous 12 months.

 

The christian spoke. "I built a giant cross, and I want to put it at the top of the highest hill on the island."

 

Next the muslim. "I built a mosque, and I want to convert people to Islam."

 

Next the jew. "I built a bank, and I want everyone to have a savings account."

 

The atheist. "I built a boat, and at high tide today I'm off. Which is just about now; bye all."

 

The three watch, as the atheist sails away.

 

"That's done it," said the christian. "I needed him to help me haul the cross up the hill." "And I wanted to convert him." said the muslim. "Never mind. He's the loser." Said the jew, "Now, anyone need a loan?" 
 

Edited April 19, 20197 yr by owl sees all

 
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex. 
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

The cost of living has gotten so high...
My wife has started having sex with me because she can’t afford batteries.

Just been arrested on a plane after seeing an old friend flying to the same destination.  Apparently security do not like it when you shout across the plane,

"Hi Jack!"

Now on sale at IKEA;
 LESBIAN BEDS
no nuts or screwing involved, its all tongue and groove!

Little Suzie had a terrible problem of falling asleep in Sunday school. 
One day, she was dozing off as usual when the teacher asked her "Suzie, who was Jesus’s mother?"
Suzie, being asleep, didn't answer. It was then that little Johnny, who sat at the desk right behind her took out his ball point pen and jabbed her from behind.
She perked up and shouted "Mary mother of Jesus!"
"Correct!" The teacher replied. 
Little Suzie went back off to sleep.
A while later the teacher called on Little Suzie again by asking "Suzie, who is our one and only saviour?"
Once again she didn't reply, so Johnny did as he did before by jabbing her in the back with the pen again.
She sat up and shouted "JESUS CHRIST!"
"Correct!" Said the teacher, and Suzie went off to sleep again.
More time passed until the teacher asked Suzie "Suzie, what did Eve say to Adam after their 23rd child?" Johnny pricked her in the back again so Suzie got up and shouted
"If you stick that thing into me one more time, I swear I’ll break it in two!"

The teacher fainted as the class burst out laughing.
 

 A girl sneezed in the pub and her glass eye flew out and luckily I was able to catch it in my hand before it hit the ground.

I took it back over to where she was sitting and gave it back to her and we got chatting.
After a few beers, I took her home and we spent the night in bed together.
Wondering if she was a bit of a slapper I asked her, "Do you go to bed with everyone on a first date.

She said, "No, Only those that catch my eye.."