2 weeks ago, I told kids at school to write an essay titled If I Were a Millionaire.
Everyone was writing, except a girl who leaned back with arms folded.
"What's the matter," I asked. "Why aren't you writing?"
I'm waiting for my secretary," she replied.

 

Scored her 10/10

Three blokes were talking at work when the first bloke said, “I think my wife is having an affair with our electrician. I found wire cutters under our bed.”
The second bloke said, “I think my missus is having it off with the plumber, because I found a plunger under our bed.”
“That’s nothing,” said the third bloke. “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse. I came home the other day and found a jockey under our bed!”

A politician dropped dead of a heart attack and went to heaven.  God greeted him and explained that he had to spend a day in hell and a day in heaven, then decide where he wants to stay.  First, he rides a lift down to hell, where he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course.  A fellow MP, who had died the previous year, strolls up and asks him to play a round.  After that they go back to the clubhouse, where Satan himself cooks up an amazing meal and keeps shoving brandies into his hand. It goes on like this for 24 hours. 
Then he returned to heaven, where he spent a boring day discussing art and philosophy with great humanitarians. When God appeared and told him to make a choice, he said, “I never thought I’d be saying this, but I’d prefer to spend eternity with my fun mates down in hell.”
So, once again, he got in the lift to hell, but this time he found himself in a burning wasteland with all his old friends dressed in rags, chained together and groaning in pain.
He rushed up to Satan and said, “I don’t understand!  Yesterday there was a golf course here, where I ate the finest food and drank the finest liquor with my happy friends – now it’s a shithole where everybody’s miserable!”
“Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us,” explained the Devil. 

Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city when they heard moans coming from an alley. They went to investigate and found a semi-conscious man writhing around in a pool of blood. 
“Help me, I’ve been mugged and beaten!” he pleaded.
The social workers immediately turned and walked off.  One said to the other, “You know, the person who mugged that man could really use our help.”

 

 

 

Edited April 5, 20197 yr by ballpoint

An ugly bloke walked into a pub with a big grin on his face, so the bartender asked why he was so happy.
“On my way home last night I saw a woman tied to the train tracks,” said the bloke. “I cut her free, took her home and we made love all night, all over the house, in every position imaginable.”
“You lucky bastard,” said the barman. “Was she pretty?”
“I’ve got no idea,” said the bloke. “I never did find her head.”

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Sent from my SM-J610F using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app

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Sent from my SM-J610F using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'

Her mum replies 'No because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.' The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.  Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home!' 

 

Edited April 6, 20197 yr by scottiejohn

Confession
A woman takes a lover home during tho day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover In the closet, not realizing that the little boy Is In there already.
The little boy says, ‘Dark In here.'
The man says, ‘Yes, It Is.'
Boy: ‘1 have a baseball’
Man: That's nice*
Boy: "Want to buy It?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: 'Dark In here.*
Man: *Yes, it Is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: *S1,000'
The Dad says, That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit In the confessional booth and closes the door..
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that sales stuff again; you're In my closet now.' 
 

A Chinese guy comes into the Bar. Stands next to me and starts drinking
I said to him "do you know any of those martial arts like Kung <deleted>, Jujitsu or Karate?"
He says "why for you ask me that, is it cozi Chinese?"
"No" I said, "its because you're drinking my bloody beer!" 

Quote

 

2 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Reminds me of an old joke ...

 

Old man O'Malley had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.

 

The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the Widow O'Malley of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell.

 

When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but your poor husband passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."

 

She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"

 

"I don't think so," said the foreman, "He got out three times to go to the men's room."

How can you tell when someone eats right, drinks protein shakes, and goes to the gym every day, the church every Sunday, gives to all the local charities etc? 
Don't worry, they'll tell you. Oh they'll keep telling you!

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married. 

Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman. I've always been looking for the perfect girl." 

"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry and fit the bill."

"Yes, there was one girl once. She was the one perfect girl, the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me." 

"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend. 

 

"She was looking for the perfect man," he said.