A Leeds fan , an Arsenal fan and a Man Utd fan were all in Saudi Arabia,sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi National Holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It is my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Arsenal fan was first in line (he had consumed the least), so he thought about it for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through it. The Arsenal fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying when the punishment was done.
The Man Utd. fan was next up (he almost finished a half-keg), and after watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back."
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
The Leeds fan was the last one up (he had finished off the keg), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of England, your city has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the Leeds fan replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asked.
"Tie that Manchester United fan to my back!

A woman bought a talking parrot from a pet store which, unknown to her, had been living in the local brothel for some years.  After taking it home and removing the cover from the cage the bird looked around and squawked "Arrrk, new joint, new madam!  Arrrk!"

Later that day the woman's two daughters arrived home from high school.  Upon seeing the teenagers the parrot yelled:

"Arrrk, new joint, new madam, new girls! Arrrk!"

Then father came home from the office.  The bird looked at him and excitedly squawked:

"Arrrk, new joint, new madam, new girls, same old customers.  G'day Jimmy!"

The blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant.  The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out
loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."

Insults, When They had Class

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill
  "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx

 

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain

 

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde

 

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend. If you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill followed by Churchill's response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one."
 
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S Cobb
 
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr
 

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" 

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" 

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

 

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.

Some animals are a lot smarter than we give them credit for !!

The irate blonde stormed into the complaints department and slammed a box onto the counter.  The guy working there looked at the label and asked "What's wrong?  Didn't your cat like them?"

The blonde looked at him in amazement.  "What?  You mean 'Pussy Treats' are for my cat?"

Warnings written on military equipment and in publications:

 

"Aim towards the Enemy." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." -U.S. Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." -Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." -Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways." -U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." --Col. David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." -Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." Unknown Army Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." -Unknown

And lastly,

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." --U.S.A. Ammo Troop

• 
   

 

Edited April 27, 20197 yr by ballpoint

19 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Please can I have mine back if you have stopped using it?

I can't stand people who think they're worse off than every-body else! 
My mate Derek is brilliant!
He had a bad car crash where he lost his voice and both his legs!
Does he make a song and dance about it?
 

LONELY HEARTS AD
Premature ejaculator seeks young attractive woman for a long and meaningful relationship. Must have large breasts, big lips, a real tight rear end a real body to die for, and... aaaaaw, NO! Too late, never mind!!!

I'll come back and post aging next week 

I had this one night stand, and I felt so bad about it...

so, the next morning,

I raced out and bought another one for the other side of my bed. 
 

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day! 

On 4/27/2019 at 8:44 AM, ballpoint said:

"What?  You mean 'Pussy Treats' are for my cat?"

What a <deleted> <deleted>!!

1 hour ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Roll on!

Mmmmmm cake !! [emoji39]