Q: Why did the cat go to Minnesota?
A: To get a mini soda!

Q: Where do German orcas hear music?
A: Orca-stras!

Q: Why did the cow cross the road?
A: To get to the udder side.

Q: What do you call a fish without an eye?
A: Fsh!
 

Q: How is a dog like a telephone?
A: It has a collar I.D.

 

Q: How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?
A: Take away his shovel!
 

Two six-year-old boys are standing in the toilet having a pee. 
One turns to the other and says, "Your dinky doesn't have any skin on it." 
"That's because I've been circumcised," he replies. 
"Cor! What does that mean?"  "It means the skin's been cut off the end." 
"How old were you when they did that?" 
"About two days old." 
"Did it hurt?" 
"It sure did. I didn't walk for a year." 
 

So I was driving along with my friend from Stuttgart the other day and this appeared :



“ what the hell is that “ ? I said

“ don’t worry it’s just a vindscreen viper “ he replied

To this day I don’t know if he was mistaken or taking the p1ss !!

PC gone mad !!

Amir Khan lost his title fight to Crawford after taking a low blow !!



Crawford wins by TKO ( Testicle Knock Out ) [emoji51]

On 4/19/2019 at 3:42 PM, CharlieH said:

 

She's actually saying........ "it was this far from choking me !"

????

 

 

Reminds me of a 1970's tee shirt with " I choked Linda Lovelace" wrote on it. 

On ‎4‎/‎22‎/‎2019 at 7:39 AM, Andrew Dwyer said:

We all think it’s hot here but in the uk it’s forecast to hit an unearthly high of 23 C today !!! ????

"Any change?"

 

And that's how the fight started.

Little Suzi arrived very late for school and told the teacher, “I’m sorry, but my dad was in a bad mood and I had to get here by myself this morning.”
The teacher said, “Never mind about that – I hope you’ve done your geography homework. Can you tell me where the Irish border is?”
“Yes, in bed with mum. That’s why my dad was in such a bad mood”.

Two drunks were staggering along the wharf when one of them stumbled and ended up in the drink. “Help, help!” he screamed. “I can’t swim!”
“Neither can I,” said his mate, “but you don’t see me making such a bloody fuss about it.”

Having a bad hair day ??

Timing is everything !!

18 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

To this day I don’t know if he was mistaken or taking the p1ss !!

No just taking the hiss while he rattled you!

Edited April 23, 20197 yr by scottiejohn

I saw a fat woman at the bus stop today...
I asked her, "When's it due?"
She replied, "I'm not bloody pregnant you rude prick”
I said,
"I meant the bus you fat cow!"

Teacher: "What comes after a sentence?"
Wee Paddy: "An appeal" 

Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home.
Little Johnny immediately throws his notebook at her.
Teacher: Who just threw that?
Little Johnny: Me and I'm going home now!. 

Paddy was driving home absolutely hammered.  Suddenly, he had to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.  Eventually, a Garda pulled him over and asked why he was driving like a lunatic.
Paddy explained all about the trees in the middle of the road.
The Garda replied "For <deleted>'s sake Paddy, That's your air freshener hanging from the mirror!" 

After mass, grandad inquired about the whereabouts of his granddaughter, who had been missing services for a few months. His daughter, obviously quite embarrassed whispered something in his ear. The old man grabbed his chest, paled and shouted lord God no! Almost collapsing, he demanded to know why she had become a Protestant ...to his intense relief his daughter replied no, you silly old bugger - I said prostitute!

An Aussie bloke travelled to London to watch the ashes test, and felt a pain in the gentleman's department a few days before it started so went to see a doctor.

"I'm afraid it's cancer" said the doc, "we're going to have to remove your testicles".

"Crikey!  No way!  I'm getting a second opinion" says the digger.  Hearing about an Aussie doctor, he went to see him.

"I'm afraid it's cancer" said Dr Bruce, "we're going to have to cut your balls off".

"Thank god for that!" says the digger. "That Pommy doctor wanted to take my test tickets!"

Two old blokes were pushing their trolleys around the supermarket when they collided. The first bloke said, “Sorry, I was looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t looking where I was going.” 
The second bloke replied, “That’s OK, I’ve lost my wife, too, and I’m starting to get a little worried.”
“Well, maybe we can help each other find them,” the first bloke said. “Why don’t you tell me what your wife looks like?”
“She’s 27, tall, blonde, has enormous tits and is wearing a miniskirt and halter top. What’s your missus look like?” said the second bloke
“Bugger my wife,” said the first bloke. “Let’s look for yours!” 

3 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

But this bear really hums...