Whoever invented “Knock Knock” jokes should get a no bell prize!

A guy tried to sell me a coffin the other day.
I told him that's the last thing I need!

 

I found the wife dead in the washing machine.
I'm absolutely gutted and washed out but at least she died in comfort.
 

Paddy: 'I had an accident opening a can of alphabet! spaghetti this morning,'
Mick: 'Were you injured?'
Paddy: 'No, but it could have spelled disaster,'
 

 

Edited March 29, 20197 yr by scottiejohn

Now that’s a big ass tree !!

Must be time for a Brexit joke ??

Surely ??



( stop calling me Shirley !! ).

6 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Must be time for a Brexit joke ??

Surely Brexit is the joke?

Whilst on a trip “up country” the wife and I stopped at a lovely roadside restaurant for lunch.

 

Afterwards, we continued north for about 45 minutes until I realised that I had left my wallet on the restaurant table.

 

Of course we had to turn back to get it, but the next U-turn was about 15 minutes drive, so we were now facing a 2-hour delay and an extra 200km on the clock.

 

The missus was furious and didn’t waste any time letting me know what a silly old fool I am. I heard some Thai language that is normally reserved for the Prime Minister and his mob - with quite a bit of traditional English vernacular as well.

 

We got back to the restaurant and, as  I dashed across the car park to retrieve my wallet, the missus wound down her window and shouted:

.

.

.

“While you’re in there you might as well get my handbag and umbrella.”

I went to see a doctor for a routine medical examination.

 

The doctor said: “I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”

 

I said: “Why?”

 

He replied: “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

A nun walked into a bottle shop and asked the shopkeeper for the biggest bottle of cheap rum they had.  When the shopkeeper handed it over, she whispered, “It’s for Mother Superior’s constipation.”  A few hours later, the shopkeeper closed up and when he went to the car park he saw the nun staggering around, singing loudly and clutching the empty bottle. 
“My God, Sister!” the shopkeeper said. “I thought you said that rum was for Mother Superior’s constipation!”
“It is,” the nun slurred drunkenly. “If this doesn’t give her the shits, nothing will!”

St Peter heard a big knock on the Pearly Gates and opened them up to see Pavarotti standing there. Pavarotti handed him a letter and bellowed, “The Pope askda me to give this to you.”
St Peter looked down and saw the message: “Here’s that tenor I owe you.”

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets two little shiny glass balls from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put one inside each of his cheeks to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed one of those little balls.

 

The barber replied, "just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does." 
 

Three guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Steve because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first night, John slept in Steve's room and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The rest of the guys said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Steve snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was Garry's turn. In the morning, same thing-hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. Once again they asked, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Steve shakes the roof. I couldn't sleep a wink. I just lay awake all night."
The third night was Herb's turn. Herb was a big burly guy who loved to fish and hunt - a man's man!
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. Whilst Steve came in looking really tired and worn out.
The guys couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Steve into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long." 
 

SWEET COUPLES

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a double date
It was after eight when they got off at quality street.
He asked her name "polo, I'm the one with the hole and minted" she said with a wispa. "I'm marathon. The one with the nuts" he replied.
He touched her creme eggs and cupped his hand into her snickers.
He fondled her flap jacks as she rubbed his tic tacs.  It was a fab moment as she screamed in Turkish delight and he shot his chewy centre
But 3 days later his sherbert dib-dab started to itch. Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he s now got <deleted> allsorts!
 

A bloke called his boss one morning and told her he was suffering from an unusual medical condition and wouldn’t be coming to work.
“What exactly is the health issue?” she asked.
“I have a severe case of anal glaucoma,” he said.
“What the hell is anal glaucoma?” the boss demanded.
“I just can’t see my arse coming into work today,” he answered.

Back in the day, Greg Norman was asked to play in an invitational tournament in Las Vegas.  He arrived a few days early and was given a car to drive around in by Jaguar, who were the sponsors.  He was driving along a deserted desert highway when he came up to a little gas station and decided to fill the tank.  A whiskery, gristly old fella came up to the window.  "Jag-waar" he said, "why, that's one of them fancy furrin cars i'nt it?".

"That's right".

"Why, I bet it's got all them bells and whistles".

"It's got a few".

"Aint as good as a Cadillac though, I reckin'". 

"Maybe not" said Greg, diplomatically.

"Thought not.  There ya go mistuh, one full tank".  As he's leaning in to take the money the old fella sees a pack of golf tees in the centre console.  "What are them things for" he asked.

"They're to put my balls on when I'm driving" replied Greg.

The old fella's mouth dropped open.  "Well, I'll be damned.  Perhaps it is better than a Cadillac after all!"

I visited my doctor for my regular check-up.

Doctor: “Do you take regular exercise?”

Me: “Does sex count?”

Doctor: “Yes.”

Me: “Then no.”

 

When my wife found out that I was visiting a lap dancing club, she wasn’t angry, just puzzled.

She said: “Why bother going to a lap dance club when I can sexually frustrate you and take all of your money right here at home.”

 

My first wife left me due to my obsession with football. We’d  been married 15 seasons.

My second wife said she was leaving me because, apparently, I relate everything to cricket. That really hit me for 6.

Two businessmen in the centre of London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling #rseholes."
Without skipping a beat, the old woman said

 

“Must be doing well... Only two left.!" 

What do you call the first migrant off the boat?
Amhere
What do you call the second migrant off the boat?
Amhere Azwel.
What do you call the third migrant off the boat?
Amhere Azwell Azhim. 

My wife's in a right bad mood!!
Someone's stolen a pair of her pants off the washing line...
She's not bothered about the knickers, 
she just wants the twelve pegs back!