On some air bases, like DMK the military uses one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side, with the tower serving both. One day, at one of these fields in the USA, a call from an aircraft asking, "Hey, Tower, what time is it?"

The tower answered, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft answered, "What difference does it make?"

The tower responded with, "It makes a lot of difference. If you are a civilian aircraft, it's three o'clock; if you're an Army aircraft, it's 1500 hours; if you're a Navy aircraft, it's 3 bells; if you're an Air Force aircraft, the big hand is on 12 and the little hand is on 3; and if you're a Marine aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes 'til Happy Hour."
 

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He managed to work it out with a pencil.

A bloke got to his seat on a plane and was surprised to find a parrot sitting next to him. After take-off, the stewardess brought the drinks trolley around. The bloke asked for a coffee but the parrot said, “Get me a bloody bourbon, you cow!”
The stewardess was a bit flustered, and she returned with the bourbon, but not the coffee. The bloke asked for his coffee again and the parrot chimed in with, “And get me another bourbon, you bitch!”
The stewardess was really upset. She brought back another bourbon, but forgot the coffee again. The bloke followed the parrot’s lead and yelled, “Get me that bloody coffee, you dumb tart!”
Suddenly two sky marshals ripped the bloke and the parrot out of their seats and threw them out of the emergency exit. As they fell through the air, the parrot said to the bloke, “You’re a ballsy bastard for someone who can’t fly!”

We really need a "cringe" emoji ......for effect ????

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub...
The doorman stops them and says sorry I cant let you in without a Thai.

There is this vegan going in to a steak house he studies the menu

and says to the waiter I am a vegan what can you recommend

for me?The waiter says "A taxi?"

.

Sent from my SM-J610F using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app

I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins. 

 

PS;  Does that warrant a 'cringe' emoji?

Edited April 9, 20197 yr by scottiejohn
cringing PS added!

Sad news from the nestle factory today
As a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.
He tried in vain to free himself, but every time he yelled
'The Milky Bars Are On Me’
People just cheered! 

 

My wife said that she's leaving me because of my obsession with
Cats. 
She's kicking meeeoowt. 

19 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins. 

 

PS;  Does that warrant a 'cringe' emoji?

When I was young, our house was full of exotic items from all around the world.  My father was a baggage handler at Heathrow.

Afterwards, he became a bin man.  I didn't like it when he picked me up from school.  I wasn't ashamed, I just never knew what day he'd come.

He did all these jobs to support my mother through medical school.  She eventually became a doctor for the NHS.  I had to leave home when I was 15 because she needed the bed space.  I remember one time she was helping with my homework.  She went to write something down, and pulled a rectal thermometer out of her bag.  "Oh no!" she said "Some a**ehole's got my pen!"

 

Allow me...

Edited April 10, 20197 yr by ballpoint

Wee Johnny catches his parents going at it.
He shouts in,
"Hey, Dad! What are you ? doing?"
His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mammy's tank."
Wee Johnny says, "Really? Well, you better get a model that gets better mileage, because the postman filled her up this morning and it took him ages"
 

Murphy was shocked to come home from work and find his wife stuffing all her belongings into a suitcase. 
"What are you doing?" he cried.
"I can't stand it anymore!" she screamed. Thirty years we've lived as a  married couple in this house, and all we do is bicker and quarrel and ignore each other, I'm leaving!"
Murphy watched his wife close the suitcase, drag it down the stairs, and walk out of the front door...
Good God he thought she's actually going!
Running into the bedroom and grabbing a second suitcase, he yelled back at his wife,
"Mary, you're right you're absolutely right, and I can't bear it either, wait a minute, and I’ll go with you!" 
 

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a traffic warden's funeral, a voice screamed from inside...
"I'm not dead! I'm not dead! let me out of here it’s all a mistake!"
To which the vicar  and the only assembled mourner shouted back, "Your too bleeding late, I've already done the paperwork and it can't be undone!" 
 

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating one Mars Bar after another. After watching him knock back 10, an old man sitting on the bench opposite said, “Son, you know eating all those Mars Bars isn’t good for you. It’ll give you acne, rot your teeth and make you fat.”
“My grandfather lived to be 107 years old,” answered Johnny. 
“Oh, did he eat lots of Mars Bars?” asked the old man.
“No,” replied Little Johnny, “he minded his own bloody business.”

The teacher was giving a lesson on polysyllabic words and asked the class for examples. 
Jane stood up and said, “Monday.”
“Mon-day. Very good, Jane, that has two syllables,” said the teacher.
The teacher pointed to Mike, who stood up and said, “Saturday.’
“Sat-ur-day – three syllables. Excellent, Mike,” said the teacher.
Johnny burst out of his seat and said, “Miss, I have a word that will beat all the others. Mas-tur-ba-tion!”
Shocked, the teacher said, “Wow, Johnny, four syllables. That’s certainly a mouthful.”
“No, Miss,” said Johnny, “you’re thinking of blowjob, and that only has two syllables.”