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                         Priorities..................

Four nuns die and appear at the gates of Heaven. When they get there St. Peter tells them to form a queue, then says to the first one, "Recount your sins." She says, "Well, once I looked at a man's penis." St. Peter closes his eyes for a few seconds, then says, "The Lord has forgiven you." He then points to a bowl of water and says, "Rub some holy water in your eyes and you may enter Heaven." And that is what she did. Then St. Peter tells the second nun to recount her sins, and she says, "Well, once I touched a man's penis." St. Peter closes his eyes for a few seconds again, then says, "The Lord has forgiven you. Wash your hands in the holy water and you may enter Heaven." And that is what she did. Then the fourth nun pushes ahead of the third nun, saying, "I want to gargle before she sits in it."

2 hours ago, Martin71 said:

bloody ell!!!

1 minute ago, roo860 said:

bloody ell!!!

Yeah.... even I wasn't sure about this one....

2

2 hours ago, Martin71 said:

Yeah.... even I wasn't sure about this one....

We will run a sweep on it Martin71....see how long it last....I'll take gone before 6pm Thai time.......????.......

 

 

When you lose your head over a woman . . .

A woman is left a pair of very able and talkative parrots in her aunt's will and immediately rings the vet to ask him how she can tell which is the male and which the female.

The vet tells her to creep down first thing in the morning and try and catch them mating;

The one on top would be the male and she should mark him with some tape.

This the woman does and on catching them in the act she puts a white tape around the male bird's neck.

A couple of days later, the vicar comes to tea and, on seeing him, the male parrot says,

 

"Oho, caught you in the act too, did they?"
 

Walter was hammering away in the garden when George popped his head up over the wall.

"Fancy a pint, Walt?" he asked.

"No, I can't," replied Walter sadly. "The wife's ill in bed, so I've got to look after her and finish making this for the bitch."

As if on cue, they heard terrible noises coming from the house.

"Is that her coughin'?" asked George.

"Don't be daft," replied Walter.

 

"She couldn't get inside this. It's too small. It's going to be a new kennel for the new dog, Lady."
 

Daddy is mowing the lawn when his young son comes running out of the house calling to him.

"Daddy, Daddy, what's sex?" asks the boy.

For a moment Dad is dumbstruck, but then decides that if his son has asked the question, then he must do his best to answer it.

For the next few minutes, Dad talks about the birds and the bees, then human relationships, love, the sex act, having babies. In fact, he does a pretty good job of covering every aspect. Eventually he comes to a stop when he sees how oddly his son is looking at him.

"You look concerned what is wrong, do you want me to go over anything again? I mean why did you want to know now?" he asks.

 

"Well, Mummy just said to come out and tell you that dinner would be ready in two secs."
 

A young teacher decided to play a little guessing game with her class.

"Listen everyone, I'm going to turn around and hold something in my hand and you have to guess what it is. Here's a clue, it's long, yellow and black, bent and you can eat it."

One of the children guessed a melon, but another guessed a banana.

"That's right," she said. "Now I'm holding something round, red and green in my hand, and this is also something you can eat." A little girl guessed apple.

"Well done, it shows all of you are really thinking."

At this point a boy at the back asked if he could have a turn.

With his back to the class he said,

"I've got something in my hand that's long, has a red tip and thin but when I come and use it properly  can really get you hot"

"Now, Johnny, enough of that," said the teacher in horror.

 

"Actually, it's a match, Miss," says Johnny, "but it shows you're really thinking."