.

Did you hear about the blonde whore who wrote home to say she had a beautiful new house, car and fur coat and it only cost her 200 bucks?

 

She never could spell!
 

"He'll be alright soon," said the doctor, putting the patient into the recovery position.

"He's just in shock after seeing his numbers come up on this week's Multi Million jackpot."

"Oh, thank you, Doctor," replied the wife.

 

"Just one thing, how long should I leave it before I tell him I didn't buy a lottery ticket this week?"
 

At a party to celebrate her 21st birthday, the daughter put all her presents on display including a cheque from her father to buy a new car. During the evening the guests would wander over to take a look at the presents and on one occasion a man was standing at the table looking at the cheque, doubled up with laughter.

"Mum," whispered the birthday girl, "who is that man?"

"Oh, him, he's your dad's bank manager."
 

It was an idyllic scene. Little old Grandma was sitting in her rocking chair, knitting a jumper for her granddaughter. Next to her sat father Murphy and on the floor in front of her chair sat her two beautiful grandchildren, quietly looking at some picture books.

All of a sudden, the children turned to their grandma saying, "Oh, Grandma, please tell us a story. We love your stories, please, please."

"Well... I don't know," replied Grandma. "I'm a bit tired and Father Murphy won’t be interested."

"Oh please, Grandma, tell us your favourite story about when you were a whore in Liverpool."
 

Meanwhile, somewhere on the Leeds - Liverpool canal ..............

 

 

 

2 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Meanwhile, somewhere on the Leeds - Liverpool canal ..............

 

 

 

 

.

 

                    Another Camera Fail………….

3 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Meanwhile, somewhere on the Leeds - Liverpool canal ..............

 

 

 

Just look at the state of that tow path.  I wouldn't touch it with a ...

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter..

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

 

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are dead because we’ve been on a ’route march’ - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target! You don’t even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

 

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

 

Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

 

I can’t complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.

 

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.

As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

 

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

 

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest.

 

"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

The fact that germs enter my body without my consent is wrong.

And to be honest it makes me sick.