My girlfriend said that she wasn't very comfortable performing oral sex...

So I bought her a pillow to kneel on!

Two police officers knock on the door of a man’s house.

“Is this your wife?” they ask, holding up a photo.

“Yes”, replies the man.

“Well, I’m afraid it looks like she’s been hit by a bus,” they say.

“Well, yes,” says the man, “but she’s got a lovely personality.

What's it called when a chameleon can't change its colour anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.

My friend lost his ear in an accident and had to have a pigs ear transplanted on.

I asked him if it was working ok.

He said, "It's fine apart from a bit of crackling!"

Tampax are releasing a limited edition, egg shaped tampon...

It's for the Easter period only

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Thank you for your co- operation.

A man goes back into the vet's to collect his dog after a minor surgery.

"Say, 'Aaah...' " says the vet.

"Why?" asks the man.

 

"Because your dog's just died on the operating table."
 

A man went to the pet shop to buy a parrot but the only one on offer cost £500.

"Why is it so expensive?" he asked.

"Ah, well, it's a very special parrot, it lays square eggs," said the pet shop owner.

"How very odd. OK, I'll take it, but just one thing “ does it talk?"

"Well, it can do, but up to now all I've heard it say is 'Aaagh, oooh, b^gger...' "
 

The down-and-out man had spent his morning begging from street to street. He hadn't done very well and was just about to give up when he noticed a very posh woman walking up the private road to her mansion.

"Excuse me, madam," he said as politely as possible. "Can you spare a bob or two?"

"I'll do better than that," she said. "How are you with a paint brush?"

"Erm, OK, I suppose," he replied, puzzled.

"Good, there's a can of orange paint here. If you paint the porch round the back, then I'll pay you a decent day's wages."

The tramp disappeared and nothing was seen of him for the next three hours when he reappeared with an empty can.

"All finished?" she asked.

"It is," he replied, "but just one thing," he added helpfully.

 

"It's actually a Ferrari round the back, not a Porsche but I agree all these fancy sports cars look the same to many people."
 

"Come on, girl," whispered the boastful man to the beautiful girl after a few drinks. "How about coming back to my place and letting me give you nine inches?"

"No, thanks," she replied.

 

"I don't think you've got the energy to get it up three times."

 

 

 

 

 

 

The young girl couldn't believe her luck when her flashy boss took her out to dinner. They wined and dined at the most expensive restaurant in town and then went back to his penthouse apartment. Later, in bed, he turned to her and said, "What would you do if you found you were pregnant?"

"Oh, the shame. I could never tell my parents. I'd kill myself," she replied.

"Good girl, that's what I like to hear," he said happily.
 

A wife is so distressed at her husband's excessive drinking that she decides to try and scare him into stopping. After pub closing time that night, she waits for him in the church graveyard, crouched down behind one of the tombstones. Sure enough, he takes the short cut home and as he staggers past her, she jumps up in full devil's costume and shouts, "Beware, beware, Arthur Chivers, carry on drinking as you are, and you'll soon be joining me down below!"

"What!" he exclaimed, somewhat befuddled, "who are you?"

"I am the devil himself!" she boomed.

The drunk began to smile and held out his hand in greeting.

"Well, I never," he says,

 

"you'll know me then, I'm married to your sister."
 

I think I might be about to be scammed but I am too sheepish to respond now!

I saw this advert
"Ride on lawn mower, only one year old, mint condition!  £750.  ONO!

I asked for a Photo and this is what I got;