Occupational hazard?

An elderly couple named Bill and Helen went to the county fair each year.

One year, a man at the fair was giving helicopter rides for 50 dollars. Having never been in a helicopter in all his years, Bill begged Helen to let them ride. She refused, quipping "50 bucks is 50 bucks."

The following year, the man was there again, and again Bill begged for a ride. Again Helen turned it down, saying "50 bucks is 50 bucks."

 

The third year the same exact conversation happened, except this time the pilot overheard. He offered the couple a free ride, but with one condition. They must not make a sound while in the air, or they would have to pay the 50 dollars. Bill and Helen agreed and climbed aboard.

 

As soon as they left the ground, the pilot began performing hair raising manoeuvres in the air, but try as he might, he could not get the couple to utter a sound. When they finally touched down, the pilot turned to Bill and exclaimed, "that was an amazing show of self control, you have earned your free ride".

 

Bill replied, "well, I nearly said something when Ellen fell out, but 50 bucks is 50 bucks."

A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."

 

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one."

 

The bartender pours the drink but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"

 

The man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next-door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me. I thought, 'Wow, this has never happened before.' You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, I feel this hand moving around in my lap and the blonde leans over, licks my ear, and asks if I'm interested. I couldn't believe this was happening. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. So, of course, I went with her. This was just too good to be true."

 

He continues, "She took me down the street to a nice hotel and up to her room. As soon as she shut the door, she slipped out of her dress. That was all she was wearing! I tell you, it didn't take me much longer to get out of my clothes. But as soon as I jumped into the bed, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door."

 

The blonde says, 'Oh, my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight. He's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'

 

I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but I figured that he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me..."

 

The bartender says, "Well, I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point."

 

"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open, and he yells, 'Who you been sleeping with now, witch?'

 

The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now come to bed and calm down.'

Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?'

 

I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.'

 

But by now the blonde is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a long time. I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"

 

The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have <deleted> me off for sure."

 

"No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold this glass."

 

The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset."

 

"No, that wasn't what really <deleted> me off."

 

The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally <deleted> you off?"

 

"Well, I was hanging there and I turned around and looked down, and I was only about 6 inches off the ground!"

 

Just pondering...

Where do people in Hell tell other people to go?

The poor man was in great difficulties. His business was failing and it looked as if he was facing bankruptcy. As a last resort he popped into the local church and, kneeling down, he prayed fervently.

"Oh, God, please don't let this happen to me, please let me win the lottery."

But on Saturday night, he had no luck.

The following week, the situation got worse. The man lost his house and all his possessions, so again he went into church and prayed desperately, "Oh please, I beg you, please let me win the lottery."

But on Saturday, he had no luck. On the following Monday, his wife and children left him and he was now completely on his own. He ran into church, got down on his knees and pleaded, "Oh God, all has gone, I have nothing left. Have pity on me, I beg you. Why won't you help me win the lottery?"

At that moment, there was a tremendous thunderclap, a bright flashing light and God boomed out,

 

"Help me out on this one, Amos; buy a bleeding ticket!"

A man rushed into a newspaper office saying, "I hope I'm not too late to put an announcement in the paper“ my wife has just given birth to a baby girl after ten years of trying."

"Of course, sir," replied the clerk. "How many insertions?"

"Oh, I can't remember

 

 

“ bloody hundreds I would think!"
 

Bob and Sheila had a small flat in the city and decided the only way they could have a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' was to send 10-year-old Johnnie out on the balcony and ask him to report on the neighbourhood activities. It was sure to distract him for an hour. The boy began his commentary as the parents got down to business.

"An ambulance has just stopped at old Mrs Jenkin's place, Mr Wales is walking his dog, Matt and Jenny are on their bikes and the Davidsons are having sex."

Mum and Dad sat up in bed astonished.

"What do you mean?" spluttered Dad. "How do you know?"

"Their Billy is standing out on the balcony with binoculars too," replied the son.
 

A woman went to the doctor's complaining that her sex life was very unsatisfactory.

"My old man says I'm frigid," she explained.

"Don't upset yourself," replied the doctor kindly. "I think I have the answer. Just take one of these pills an hour before lovemaking and you'll appreciate the difference."

So the woman took the pill and her whole body became electric. She couldn't wait for her husband to get home. Unfortunately, he went straight to the pub after work and the magic moment passed. When she went back to the doctor's, she explained the dreadful disappointment she'd felt and how the lack of fulfilment had made her ill.

"Mmm," mused the doctor, "it's a shame there wasn't another man to take his place."

"Another man!" she cried.

 

"I don't need pills for other men!"
 

Two ladies talking in the launderette.

"Has your husband been circumcised?" said one.

"No," replied the other.

 

"He's always been a complete d*ck."
 

Two women talking:

"How do you keep your youth?" said the first.

 

"I lock him in the cupboard," replied the second.
 

Three generals out on manoeuvres were boasting about which of their regiments showed the greatest courage.

"Now, look here," said General Smythe.

"Watch this. Hey you, Private, jump across that ravine."

"Yes, sir," came the reply, and the private attempted to jump over the ravine, but missed and plunged to his death.

"There," said the general smugly. "That's what I call courage."

"No, no, my dear man. Watch this," said the second general and he called to one

of his men.

"Bates, take this message to HQ “ and go via the minefield."

So Bates set off, but unluckily for him, just as he was halfway across, he stood on a mine and was blown to pieces.

"Now that's what I call courage," said the second General.

"Wait, wait," protested the third general. "Just listen to this."

"Corporal Jones," he shouted. "Take that raft and make your way to the other side of that croc infested river," he said, pointing to a fast-flowing river that was only 200 yards from a steep waterfall.

"Oh, <deleted> off, General," came the reply. "You must be joking, you've been at the whisky again."

"Now, gentlemen," said the third general, smiling at his two colleagues.

"That's got to take the greatest courage of all."

*
 

Covid had broken out for a third time and yet another curfew had been enforced from 10pm in Bangkok. Two of the BIB’s finest set out to patrol  SO1 9 and were walking down either side of the street. Suddenly a shot rang out and the first of Thailand’s finest ran over to find his partner holding out his smoking gun and a man lying dead at his feet.

"Why did you shoot him?" he asked. "There's still 20 minutes before curfew."

"Maybe," replied his partner,

 

"but I know where this man lives and he would never have got home in time in that drunken state."
 

A vain man who only he could think that he had a body to die for gave his new date a photograph of himself, posing full frontal, in the nude.

"Now what are we going to do with that?" he smirked.

"Mmm," she replied.

 

"I think I'll need to get it enlarged."
 

A man was going away on business for a month. Highly suspicious that his wife would get up to no good while he was gone, he hired a private investigator to follow her wherever she went. On his return, the PI confronted him with his wife's infidelity. All the evidence was on video. The man was shown film of his wife at glamorous parties, dancing the night away at exclusive nightclubs, intimate dinners with one of his work colleagues, overnight stays at luxury hotels...

"Well," gasped the man, "I can hardly believe it."

"Is it because she's involved with one of your colleagues?" asked the PI.

 

 

"No, no," replied the man. "I just didn't believe my wife could be that much fun."
 

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Now I’ve got 5G, I can’t wait to get my new smart phone !