The police car indicated for the motorist to pull up.

"Did you realise, sir, you were doing 55mph in a 30mph area?" he said, pulling out his notebook. "May I have your name please?"

The quick thinking English motorist answered "Vladimrish Malenovichsebenatrokia  Salkonovichiski."

"OK, well, just don't do it again," replied the officer, closing his book and walking away.
 

12 minutes ago, fangless said:

The police car indicated for the motorist to pull up.

"Did you realise, sir, you were doing 55mph in a 30mph area?" he said, pulling out his notebook. "May I have your name please?"

The quick thinking English motorist answered "Vladimrish Malenovichsebenatrokia  Salkonovichiski."

"OK, well, just don't do it again," replied the officer, closing his book and walking away.

 

Truth can be stranger than fiction ????

 

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/northern_ireland/7899171.stm

3 minutes ago, Crossy said:

Truth can be stranger than fiction ????

Never let the truth spoil a good joke, but thanks for the link.  I had read it before but until you posted I had forgotten the connection!

Anyone know who won the Transgender boat race coxless pairs?

The Nepalese government are planning to charge people up to £10,000 to scale Everest
I think it's a bit steep.

Gymnasium in ancient Greek means "naked exercise"
Try telling that to the receptionist at Fitness First

Life really is like a box of chocolates.

It doesn't last long if you're fat.

On 4/8/2021 at 2:50 PM, ballpoint said:

Anyone know who won the Transgender boat race coxless pairs?

Was it a <deleted> or just a pair of t&ts?

But then maybe nobody had the balls to take part!

3 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

The Nepalese government are planning to charge people up to £10,000 to scale Everest
I think it's a bit steep.

I was thinking it was all a bit pointless but then I have a very steep learning curve if I am to get the top!

Will they have a summit to discuss the new scales?

Three prisoners are being transported to the prison where they will spend the rest of their lives. On the way there they have a chat about the things they're taking with them.

The first prisoner says:

I've got a drawing kit. When I'm behind bars, I want to spend the rest of my life making art.

 

The second says:

I've got cards. Now I can play stuff like poker, blackjack or bridge.

 

The third one says:

And I've got a box of tampons.

 

The other two ask him:

Why tampons?

 

He replies:

Why wouldn't I? The box says that I can ride a bike, jog, ski, skate on ice...

Should've been more specific

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really <deleted>.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

 

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

 

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

 

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Does anybody know where I can buy a longer dipstick for my car, as the current one no longer reaches the oil?

A young man got his first ever job working on a Lighthouse far out at sea.

Reporting for duty on the first day after a very rough crossing and boarding the Lighthouse he was greeted by the Lighthouse Master.
"What is the drill on the Lighthouse he enquired?" "Oh "says the Master, "its easy, Monday we sweep the floors and the stairs, wash the walls, fill the lamps and polish the lenses, then we retire to the lounge area."
"What happens after that" he enquired. "Oh" says the Master "we play Crib and Dominoes until bedtime as we don’t have any TV reception."
"That is a shame" the young man said," I am not into Pub Games." "Well", said the Master "you can read a book from our Library"

Monday comes and Monday goes, and the young man asked, "What happens on Tuesday? "
"Well", said the master "we sweep the floors and the stairs, wash the walls, fill the lamps, and polish the lenses, then we retire to the lounge area, and we play Pool, and Billiards."
"That is a shame" said the young man, "its pub games again".
"The Library it is for you" the Master said.

Tuesday comes and goes and the same question, "What happens on Wednesday."
Same answer, "We sweep the floors and the stairs, wash the walls, fill the lamps, and polish the lenses, then we retire to the lounge area, and because Wednesday is special Trinity House send out a supply ship with lots of booze and they send two young ladies for our enjoyment for the evening."
Now the young man is getting rather agitated and the Master asks what is wrong.
The young man said that he had just broken up with his fiancée and he did not think that that type of behaviour would be right
The Master was now at his wits end and asked the young man,. “You are not Gay, are you?”
“Certainly not” exclaimed the young man fervently.

Well, said the Master “ You are not going to like Thursday either”.

wHRRR