A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

 

The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag.

 

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, of about 12 inches height, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.

 

“Where on earth did you get that ???” asked the surprised bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: “Here. Rub it.”

 

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. “I will grant you one wish – just one.”

 

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, “I want a million bucks !”

 

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

 

The bartender turns to the man and says, “You know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.”

 

The man replies, “Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”

 

Mouse goes into music shop to buy a mouse organ.

"Funny, you're the second mouse I've had in today."

"Ah yes. That'll be our Monica."

25 minutes ago, WorriedNoodle said:

They must be bloody British! Else she'd be eating a cookie... or keks, if Swedish.

The little girl's mother was entertaining her next-door neighbour when her little daughter walked in.

"Hello, Mrs Crabbit, are you a gardening expert?" she asked.

"No, I'm not, why do you ask?" said the puzzled neighbour.

 

"Mum says if there's any muck about you'll dig it up and spread it around."
 

How can you stop a rooster from crowing on Monday morning?

Eat him for lunch on Sunday.
 

Overheard at a fancy dress party:

"I'm a turkey," said the girl. "What are you?"

"Sage and onion," he replied.

 

“And I think it’s time I stuffed you”

Driving home from the pub one night a couple were stopped for speeding.

"You were doing 40mph in a 30mph zone," said the officer.

"Oh, no, you're wrong," said the driver.

"I assure you, sir, that my instruments are very accurate and that you were driving much too fast."

At that point his wife leant across and said to the officer.

 

"It's no good arguing with him now, not when he's had a few drinks inside him."
 

An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks. "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"

"I'm Italian and I am a golfer." Says the old guy. "And that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well."

"Well." Says the doctor. "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?"

"Who said my Father's dead?"

The doctor is even more amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive! How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old." Says the old Italian golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too."

"Well." The doctor says. "That's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my Nono's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks. "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

“He's 118 years old." Says the old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

6 hours ago, roo860 said:

Why would a Scouser need one given the local weather?

PS;  Where is the beer holder?

A Scouser is in a bar....

And a prostitute walks up and asks if he would like a blow-job, the Scouser immediately head butts the woman in the face, then walks away to the bar.

The barman says “why did you do that?, what did she say?!”

The Scouser replies “oh, somethin about a job”

A Scouser walked into the local job centre to pick up his dole cheque
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know; I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll drive his 2016 Mercedes-Benz CL and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also as part of your job description have to satisfy her sexual urges. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy in wide-eyed amazement said, "You're b*llshi*ting' me!"

The social worker said: "Yeah, well . You started it".

What do you call a Scouser in a suit?

The accused.