What do you get when you cross:- A duck with a firework?

A firequacker. 
 

Chat-up Line:-  • I know milk is good for your body, but, baby, how much have you been drinking? 
 

17 minutes ago, fangless said:

Chat-up Line:-  • I know milk is good for your body, but, baby, how much have you been drinking? 
 

pix... need pix - otherwise this joke is severely lacting substance

There are only two industries that call their customers “users" and both offer the first fix for free because that causes addiction.

22 hours ago, ballpoint said:

In a similar vein, I heard this tale once about Stevie Wonder being interviewed on t.v. ( television, not Thai Visa,,)

Interviewer :- "Stevie, have you ever found that being blind was a handicap that affected your music writing?"

Stevie's reply :- "No, not really, I mean I could have been born black"

If anyone wants to sponsor me,
I'm doing a 0.0000005K run to raise awareness for laziness.

Roman numerals?
Not on my watch.

If you're the sort who would take part in a march for a good cause,

then you're not the kind of person we want in the apathy association.

Why do travel agents never ask you if you've got any nice haircuts planned?

51 minutes ago, tifino said:

pix... need pix - otherwise this joke is severely lacting substance

I have creamed as much as i dare as I don't want to be seen to be milking these jokes too much, they might get a bit sour!

The man who invented the word search has died his funeral is...
T T I S P V G K M P
H J G U O N Q U X
N M O N D A Y S Z
B A T K T E N O P G

2 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

If anyone wants to sponsor me,
I'm doing a 0.0000005K run to raise awareness for laziness.

Put me down for it sometime next year if you can be bothered and get round to it but of course I don't expect you to go the extra mile on my behalf!

Mary had just got married, and being a traditional Irish girl she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.
Her mother reassured her; 'Don't worry, Mary, Micks a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making dinner.'
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Mick took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Mary ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mummy, Mummy, Micks got a big hairy chest.'
'Don't worry, Mary,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests.. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'
So, up she went again.. When she got up in the bedroom, Mick took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Mary ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mummy, mummy, Mick took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'
'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Micks a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you..'
So, up she went again. When she got there, Mick took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes.
When Mary saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mummy, mummy, Micks got a foot and a half!'
Mummy said, 'You stay here and stir the gravy, and I'll go up!'

5 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

If you're the sort who would take part in a march for a good cause,

then you're not the kind of person we want in the apathy association.

Sorry.  I was going to click the like button but I just couldn't be bothered.

A pikey girl tells her mum she's pregnant.
"Congratulations" says her mum "Do you know who the father is?".
"Mum....if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"

The solicitor told me that my uncle died and left me a nice antique watch in his will.
I really hope its not a wind up.

7 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

The man who invented the word search has died his funeral is...
T T I S P V G K M P
H J G U O N Q U X
N M O N D A Y S Z
B A T K T E N O P G

AWHATF
TIMEAND
PLACEFF

12 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

Roman numerals?
Not on my watch.

Must just face it yet another dated but timely joke!

????

 

 

 

Edited September 22, 20214 yr by fangless