An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra
'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?
'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist'
But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.'
I’m 96' said the old man.
'I don't want an erection,
I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't dribble on my slippers!!' 
 

My boyfriend was dying.

I was by his bedside when he said in a weak voice, “There’s something I must confess.”
“Shhh” I said,

“There’s nothing to confess. Everything is alright.”
“No I must die in peace” he said,

“I had sex with your sister, your best friend, and a co-worker.”
“I know” I whispered,

“That’s why I poisoned you... now close your eyes and ****  off.” 
 

Today my daughter who has caught the PC bug called me 
'BirthPerson.'
So I replied, 
'Yes Financial Drain.' 
 

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face, my breast are sagging! What in God’s name is wrong with me, Doctor!?” 
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says:

 

“Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....” 
 

 A man trained in origami for eight years and opened a shop in London. But the business folded.
 

What do you get when you cross:- A hedgehog and a snake?

Two yards of mobile barbed wire. 
 

Chat-up Line:-  • Are you from Tennessee, because you’re the only ten I see around here? 
 

1 hour ago, fangless said:

So, when you said you were going to get some ducks, it wasn't eating them that you had in mind?

35 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

Damn, I just got Rick Rolled!!!