15 year old son

[stevenl]

1 hour ago, KittenKong said:

Why not? Nothing else will work.

Of course other things will.

 

A kid needs to respect the rules and the parents. Unfortunately many confuse respect with fear.

[Surasak]

2 hours ago, phantomfiddler said:

The kid is a thief. Leave no money or valuables around the house.

 I understand your thinking phantomfiddler, but do not agree with it. The boy is still at an age where the right approach can make all the difference. Kids steal money from parents for all kinds of reasons, the reason needs to be found, and quick. At the same time, I agree with cracker1. Give the boy some chores to do and pay him a reasonable amount, which should be enough to cover his days expenses plus a little to do with as he please. 

[maprao]

Some may disagree with me, however here goes; Is he your step son ie your wife's son from a previous marriage or your son biologically?

I Think this requires 2 different approaches.  

Especially if it is the first one as this will have an effect on how he views you.

Before I get slated I have both with my Thai wife. They are grown up now. So been there done that one. Fairly successful ????????

[BritManToo]

5 hours ago, Paul Laycock1 said:

if he asked I would give him some money, he already has had 200 to top up his phone, 40 for a haircut .

I never gave them money, but paid them all to go to school.

Current rates are 30bht/day for my 7 year old, 100bht/day for my 20 year old daughter.

 

It seems to work, and they never want to miss school.

School holidays are a very sad time for them.

Edited January 25, 2019 by BritManToo

[Paul Laycock1]

He is my biological son born in the UK to my Thai wife.

[KittenKong]

1 hour ago, stevenl said:

Of course other things will.

Apparently not.

[sawadee1947]

Well, obviously your son wants to show you something (teach you a lesson). 

There might be some restrictions and frictions within your family. 

Too many unresonable rules?

He's feeling not beloved? 

With harder life for him as some TV members advice you would change it to become worse. 

A specialised psychotherapist might help because yourself can't find the proper solution. 

[sawadee1947]

2 hours ago, Mavideol said:

have to agree, mine started doing the same thing around 17, called the sheriff a couple times, it didn't got scared at all and kept doing it, started with small change and changed to bigger bills his mother had a tendency to leave the purse around until all cash disappeared.... a thief always a thief, lost contact when he went to jail but heard that he keeps going in and out of jail thus stealing more and more and he's or should be 28 now... sorry man but lost cases we are damned by the kids

 

Apparently you're not feeling guilty and respnsible for his Life? 

Seems as if you lived in medieval times. Very sad. 

[owl sees all]

1 hour ago, BritManToo said:

I never gave them money, but paid them all to go to school.

Current rates are 30bht/day for my 7 year old, 100bht/day for my 20 year old daughter.

2

Is it not possible that "paid them all to go to school" is in essence what is wrong with a great part of the world and Thailand in particular? It is a joy to learn. A joy to find out new things. A joy to understand things. The wonder of discovering.

 

Have to make a learning ethic a great thing to have IMO.

 

I wished someone had paid me to go to school; might have learnt sumthink.

Edited January 25, 2019 by owl sees all

[NoshowJones]

3 hours ago, KittenKong said:

Why not? Nothing else will work.

If my dad had laid a hand on me when I was a teenager, I would have knocked his head off.

[KittenKong]

2 hours ago, kenk24 said:

My favorite nephew, a really good kid went into total monster mode for a while... hormones, I guess... he actually became frightening... it is raging hormones and they passed... he became a great person again... 

I was an unpleasant teenager. Some might say that I have yet to grow out of it.

 

But I was never a thief.

[soalbundy]

3 hours ago, KittenKong said:

Why not? Nothing else will work.

humiliating him will only make things worse, a 15 year old male is psychologically all over the place and a beating will humiliate him and he will not only learn nothing but he will distance himself. It's difficult I know, it's all a matter of luck basically, one can give a guiding hand but it can get bitten, just hope that at 18 or 19 he will come out the other side OK.

[xtrnuno41]

Damn, its though and i guess more parents were or are dealing with that same problem.

You said you tried all mentioned.

Or all is related in puberty or ..... maybe wrong friends or just a girl and a wrong mind.

Many things possible, hard to find out.

You know now not to leave valuables anywhere. He even shows he is stealing.

 

Maybe a very harsh way of telling him, its not allowed to steal, by reporting him to the police !

Maybe you can talk, explain with the head of police, let him being arrested and let him experience ... jail time. You, chef and other police know, but he doesnt. Maybe that will shake him up? 

Maybe by paying the police to do so. It's crazy, but when you tried all ...what is left then?

Sit and wait till it passes or getting worse or let him experience jail time?

 

I saw documentary movies of USA kids out of line, spending some time direct in contact with the real prisoners, as murderers, thiefs, and so on, heavy (not in weight) prisoners (they are in a program for warning out of line kids). Also telling them what they would/could do if they came in their prison, what to expect. Also guards were in that program and treated them AS prisoners.

Well that made quite an impact on them as it certainly wasnt soft handling. Many of them will think twice after this confrontation, but ok you have diehards and at one time they will have the warnend for experiences.

 

[KittenKong]

7 minutes ago, soalbundy said:

humiliating him will only make things worse, a 15 year old male is psychologically all over the place and a beating will humiliate him and he will not only learn nothing but he will distance himself. It's difficult I know, it's all a matter of luck basically, one can give a guiding hand but it can get bitten, just hope that at 18 or 19 he will come out the other side OK.

To me that just indicates that 15 is much too late to start teaching them how to behave, and to start punishing them if they wont learn. When one sees how badly behaved nearly all children are across the planet these days, one can easily understand what the root of the problem is.

[soalbundy]

Just now, KittenKong said:

To me that just indicates that 15 is much too late to start teaching them how to behave, and to start punishing them if they wont learn. When one sees how badly behaved nearly all children are across the planet these days, one can easily understand what the root of the problem is.

Hormones.

[KittenKong]

1 minute ago, soalbundy said:

Hormones.

And children didnt have hormones 50 years ago? I think they did. Yet they were much better behaved.

 

The only difference today is total lack of parental discipline. And just look at the result.

[soalbundy]

Just now, KittenKong said:

And children didnt have hormones 50 years ago? I think they did. Yet they were much better behaved.

 

The only difference today is total lack of parental discipline. And just look at the result.

There is something in that but kids today are more independent, 50 years ago they also had their problems.

[ToddinChonburi]

Amazing as parents we have no clue how much power we have over kids. Riding a motorbike like an idiot ? That's really hard to do it you take the wheels off it. Yes that's something to do for start. Have the police come over and make him think you are going to file charges for stealing. Have the cop in on it and take him in. Maybe the little shit needs some tough love instead of a pushover for a dad. I really hate to tell you but kids really need boundaries and they need to be enforced. Who washes this pukes clothes for him. How does he eat. I see the military in this kids future.

[sawadeeken]

4 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

You should try to find out what the stolen money is being used for. Probably just petrol, cigarettes, and bike supplies, but there could be an underlying problem (drugs, bullying, extortion).

 

 

Definitely............ at his age his peers are probably racing their motor bikes and spending their afternoons/evenings at a computer shop 'playing games' (SO VERY COMMON NOWDAYS), not to mention that this same group get addicted to drugs during this time........ He stays with grandma next door (who probably  sleeps at 8 PM every night) and has no clue that he comes in at 3-4 AM -- 'Stoned'...... By the age 19 he will be off to Pattaya, on the streets all night and living off of a Bar Girl (as her Mang Daa - a term for Thai boy 'leaches' living off Thai girls selling their body)(actually a Mang Daa is the giant cockroach seen around the toilets)....

You are 'dis-abled' and dependant on the boy's mother who is working to make a living for the two of you (in Bangkok)....

It doesn't sound that you have much capability to 'take charge' of the situation......

But the fact remains......... That boy needs a 'collar' put on him and somebody needs to know what he is doing every minute..... Knowing about a problem is necessary to 'control the problem'..... In your case you may have limited options....

As I see it Grandma will be no help....... Talking to the boy and setting 'ground rules' and discussing stealing with him would be a start (in a civil manor)....... Speaking (get someone to translate if necessary) with the Headman of your village could be very helpful (depending on the Headman's 'Helpfulness) and very possibly a chat with the local POLICE to observe him (Good luck with the Police unless the Headman has a friend in the police)..... But do something to learn more about the kid's routine habits..... Maybe you or Headman or Police could find a way to 'impound' his motorbike...... DO MORE THAN just talk about it on ThaiVisa....... Really do something.....

One other thing........ Kids like him are the 'fathers' of the babies so many Thai girls end up having to sell their bodies for to support 'HIS' kids..... (who are left in the care of Moms and Grandmas) and become 'carbon-copies' of him......

[sawadeeken]

1 hour ago, KittenKong said:

And children didnt have hormones 50 years ago? I think they did. Yet they were much better behaved.

 

The only difference today is total lack of parental discipline. And just look at the result.

The story will differ from different countries..... BUT.... 50 years ago my parents could live decently on the earnin gs of one working and the other staying home to raise the children....

Today in Thailand.... SO OFTEN..... The mom works and the dad sleeps all day and drinks all night (off her earnings) and no body raises the kids.... They grow up alone, a potential disaster in the making.....

[RJRS1301]

5 hours ago, Paul Laycock1 said:

I live alone, his mother works and lives in Bangkok. She is aware of the problem but says what do you want me to do about it.

You need to let him know, that theft is no way acceptable.

Maybe his mother needs to speak with him as well as you

Does he get an allowance?

If so do some budgeting with him and that should include all his consumables, and also the allowance should be tied to some responsibilities.

Corporal punishment is not acceptable

Please allow him to retain his dignity.

Perhaps restricting his use of his loved motorcycle as a form of punishment 

 

[1FinickyOne]

1 hour ago, KittenKong said:

I was an unpleasant teenager. Some might say that I have yet to grow out of it.

 

But I was never a thief.

I don't know of my nephew ever stealing anything... but I do remember him banging frantically on our door at midnight asking for 3000 baht to buy a watch... it was actually scary... he did grow out of it. Thankfully. Hs a family of his own now and always a pleasant smile. 

[samsensam]

 

sure, teenagers can be challenging. i know i was, but i also knew the difference between right and wrong and i would never have stolen from my parents/family.

 

some basic principles about life need to be learnt; the difference between right and wrong, taking responsibility for your actions and that actions have consequences.

 

how you teach these lessons is dependant on the context, environment and personality involved. you need to be firm, clear, consistent, fair, proportional, and never make a threat you are not prepared to go through with.

 

failure to ensure these lessons are learnt will only store up trouble for the future.

[sawadeeken]

As with 'chickens'.... Clippin the wings is a 'necessity....... If the wings not clipped then the chicken is all over the neighborhood disturbing the neighbors and once in a while... Run over by a car and killed.........

Somebody needs to clip his wings, If not to respect the neighbors (and keep the neighbor daughtes from having unwanted babies), Then to keep him from getting ran over by a car (or similar).......

[RJRS1301]

1 minute ago, samsensam said:

 

sure, teenagers can be challenging. i know i was, but i also knew the difference between right and wrong and i would never have stolen from my parents/family.

 

some basic principles about life need to be learnt; the difference between right and wrong, taking responsibility for your actions and that actions have consequences.

 

how you teach these lessons is dependant on the context, environment and personality involved. you need to be firm, clear, consistent, fair, proportional, and never make a threat you are not prepared to go through with.

 

failure to ensure these lessons are learnt will only store up trouble for the future.

Sensible reply, the teaching needs to be from day one really, and consistently applied as you said.

[Suradit69]

8 hours ago, soalbundy said:

Don't try to be a friend, he will have them already, he wants an adult who he respects and who shows him limits,

That was the best advice I ever received, almost verbatim, nearly 50 years ago.

 

i imagine he already knows taking things without permission is wrong.  He's looking for a reaction from those who ought to be the authority figures in his life. Initiating petty punishments at this point in his life ... assuming this has never been something he's experienced before .. is hardly the way to establish what has apparently been missing in your relationship. He's got problems that he needs help with and he's looking for someone to help him resolve whatever is causing him stress, no matter how trivial it might seem to an adult. Taking his phone away or making him do chores at this point will simply confirm to him that you can't be bothered.

 

Yes  he may very well outgrow his teenage problems, but wouldn't it be nice if you helped him learn coping mechanisms before he has to face adult problems.

[shy coconut]

10 hours ago, KittenKong said:

I see. That may explain why there are so many young thieves and losers here.

You may be successful business wise and comfortably retired, but you don't sound 

particularly happy. 

[KittenKong]

5 hours ago, shy coconut said:

You may be successful business wise and comfortably retired, but you don't sound 

particularly happy. 

Well, if your definition of sounding happy involves going around in a cloud of sweetness and light, and generally seeing the world through rose-coloured glasses, then I may not be. Personally my definition is very different. I laugh a lot and sleep like a baby, and I certainly never need to worry about money, but I also see the world for what it is and the people in it for what they are, warts and all. And there are lots of warts on view here, even if they do plaster entirely fake smiles over them.

[sanemax]

If hes acting like that at 15 , you havent taught him right from wrong and its too late to teach him that now

[KittenKong]

10 hours ago, sawadeeken said:

The story will differ from different countries..... BUT.... 50 years ago my parents could live decently on the earnin gs of one working and the other staying home to raise the children....

Today in Thailand.... SO OFTEN..... The mom works and the dad sleeps all day and drinks all night (off her earnings) and no body raises the kids.... They grow up alone, a potential disaster in the making.....

But doesnt that just reflect on the appalling parenting of that dad's parents? If they had done their job properly he would be out working instead of being home drunk. Which is entirely my point.

 

The boy in question here is going exactly the same way as the dad you describe and it's up to his parents to stop him by any means available, including a big stick if that's what it takes. The only real problem is that they should have got the stick out 10 years ago.

Edited January 26, 2019 by KittenKong