Going out with affluent Thai family, being the eldest… who pays?

[henrik2000]

Hello,

 

soon i will meet a potential flirt from a dating app. After we quite hit it off on Skype (super-decently always, tremendous fun nonetheless), we agreed to spend a few days on-off together explicitely "as friends" without specific expectations in Bkk. I will take a hotel room in her area. Twosomes in a closed room will not happen, according to her – fine for me.

 

She is very keen to introduce me to some of her family and friends. She had little exposure to foreigners (she was honestly surprised i don't like durian…). She and her family are managers, architects, historians, writers, the works. I think no-one has less than 100k Baht/mo, some certainly much more. She is quite self-confident, but also traditional. Not at all pompous, rather underplaying her status. By all accounts and more, the family seems totally decent and conservative/liberal to various degrees. No freeloaders. I've seen many photos. So far she seemed also totally reliable, say in Skype appointments and promises to provide certain info etc.

 

Now i wonder about our outings. If with the lady alone, i certainly will pay our bills (my income in the West is just *a bit* higher than hers in TH). There will be at least one dinner with about 6 family members and me. It will not be fine dining, but decent casual on the riverside or so. I know they all like seafood. Who will pay that? I can afford to pay, if that's what should happen. Except for the grandfather generation, i just might be the oldest around the table (a lil older than my date and her siblings and their partners, i guess).

 

There will be another casual riverside dinner with another Thai-western couple who might be a tad older than date+me. What would the etiquette say about paying here?

 

Any other things i should take into account? I may enter her space if other family members are around. I speak basic Thai and and generally know how to behave Thai-friendly, i believe. My date speaks great English (including some whopping irony) and i guess her siblings are not very different.

 

Thanks for all thoughts!

[swissie]

You can pay them now or later.

Once the "affluent Thai-Family" realises that your income is only "slightly higher" than hers, the bride and the "family" may lose interest in you quickly.

 

Disclose your financial limitations to the bride and the family and see what happens.

[Puchaiyank]

Your experience may be different...they may insist on picking up the tab...or grow very silent and quite busy when the entire tab is presented to you to pay.

 

Either way...be a good sport...not a cheap Charlie.

[baansgr]

If you were Thai, the bin would be shared...fair same policy applies you being a Foreigner...pay you and your dates way, let the others pay theirs...nowt wrong with that

[stubuzz]

Many Thia's leave before the bill arrives.

[kingofthemountain]

Traditionaly it's the person who invites you who pays for the dinner

so who has decided to do the dinner?

 

If nobody has decided alone, and it was a mutual decision

the tradition is the one who is the most comfortable financially who pays

it's for him\her an occasion to earn some ''face'' and show to the others how 

comfortable he\she is.

 

For the youngers generations, it's common to share the bill if evryone is on the

same level of finances, or if the bill is huge and everybody know it should be a

problem for someone to handlle it alone.

 

Being a farang and all the others are Thais, the deal can be a little bit different

and it could happens everybody is waiting the foreigner pay the bill, never a good sign

for the future as you are considered as someone we can take advantage of.

 

I recommand you to politely introduce this subject with your ''fiancee'' just before

the dinner, ask to her innocently if you need to take enough money to pay for her and 

you or if you need to take more to pay for all the bill.

 

If she is a good one, you will have to pay only for you and her.

If she considers you already as a future ATM, you probably end to pay the entire bill.

Use it as a test for the future. every experience is good here, even the costly ones

 

If someone in the group is very comfortable financialy and he takes the bill by himself

or the waiter give the bill to him, don't propose or insist to share, it's a ''saving face'' thing and you could embarrass him (And all the others) with your request to share letting think that you are not sure he is not healthy enough to pay.

 

Good luck and enjoy

Edited January 11, 2020 by kingofthemountain

[DaRoadrunner]

58 minutes ago, swissie said:

You can pay them now or later.

Once the "affluent Thai-Family" realises that your income is only "slightly higher" than hers, the bride and the "family" may lose interest in you quickly.

 

Disclose your financial limitations to the bride and the family and see what happens.

I would wait till you have her hooked before you drop the above on her.

[swissie]

1 hour ago, baansgr said:

If you were Thai, the bin would be shared...fair same policy applies you being a Foreigner...pay you and your dates way, let the others pay theirs...nowt wrong with that

Oouups! Must oppose! The one that wants to gain most "face" will pick up the tab within "family/place of work/friends". (Regardless if he can afford it or not). Has been like this for the last 200 years.

By doing this, I have gained so much "face" over the years among Thai's, that they insist that I haven't aged 1 day over the last 235 years.

If OP wants to gain "face" short-term, he will pick up the tab. Taking his limited financial means into account, he will lose a lot of "face" longer term. With predictable results.

[swissie]

51 minutes ago, DaRoadrunner said:

I would wait till you have her hooked before you drop the above on her.

Nothing indicates (so far) that OP comes from Nigeria.

[Opl]

So you will just meet a potential flirt and she already has plans to introduce you to some friends and relatives, but do you know her enough already, and are you interested in meeting all these persons at this stage?

I'd say, if you are a foreigner visiting Thailand, if they invite you, the bill is not for you.

 

[daveAustin]

If professional Thais, the 'boss' of the group will pay and all will know who he is. In that scenario, you would not be expected to pay, and as king of mountain says, don't try to split it. On the other hand, if they've gone all western and start divvying up, put in. Regards the farang-Thai couple, split that.

[uhuh]

Why was she in a dating app looking for a foreigner? 

[HuskerDo]

"She had little exposure to foreigners".... how can you possibly know? Because she TOLD you?

 

"She and her family are managers, architects, historians, writers, the works. I think no-one has less than 100k Baht/mo, some certainly much more."..... how can you possibly know for sure? Because she TOLD you?

 

"By all accounts and more, the family seems totally decent and conservative/liberal to various degrees. No freeloaders. I've seen many photos.".... you can tell all this about the family without meeting them and just looking at a few photos provided by a woman you've never met face to face?

 

"So far she seemed also totally reliable, say in Skype appointments and promises to provide certain info etc."..... She SEEMS reliable? Is she or isn't she? You've never even seen her in person.

 

There are SO MANY things wrong with this whole situation. Good luck but don't expect it to turn out well. 

 

[Don Mega]

This has gotta be a wind up.

[Curt1591]

It would be very surprising if you were allowed to pay for anything.

 

[PatOngo]

WOW! lucky you! Sounds like you're on a winner here. You must pay by all means, it will give you face with the family. You should also take gifts for all concerned to give them face as well, borrow if you have to, don't let this one slip away! In the Thai tradition, you don't need to be rich, you should just APPEAR to be rich!

[ezzra]

Here's a quick heads up when it comes to associating with thai people in in particular the 'family, no matter who's the host or who has more money, all eyes will be turned to you, as this is your time to 'shine' and earn respect by galanty and nonchalant like pulling out this wade of cash or the credit card and pay for everything and everyone, the last thing would be to be perceived as Kiniau and a thightass, this is the tests in which Thai people judging non Thai and suiters to theirs daughters...

[BritManToo]

11 hours ago, henrik2000 said:

There will be another casual riverside dinner with another Thai-western couple who might be a tad older than date+me. What would the etiquette say about paying here?

I always avoided eating out with their family or friends.

I do take MiL out to KFC once a year, that can cost as much as 500bht for the five of us.

 

Wherever I've lived in the world, I've always followed the rule .........

If I'm not looking to bang 'em, I'm not paying to feed 'em.

(immediate family excluded of course)

Edited January 12, 2020 by BritManToo

[villagefarang]

So what did your potential flirt say when you asked her these questions?  If you haven't asked her, why not?

[mstevens]

Not the answer to your question I know, but I would have thought it best to wait a bit before meeting her family members. Meeting family of a Thai lady you’re dating usually is an indicator the relationship is getting serious. Kinda surprised she wants you to meet her family so soon. 

Edited January 12, 2020 by mstevens

[petermik]

18 hours ago, Puchaiyank said:

Your experience may be different...they may insist on picking up the tab...or grow very silent and quite busy when the entire tab is presented to you to pay.

 

Either way...be a good sport...not a cheap Charlie.

"mug" is the word you should have used 

[Gecko123]

Who else besides you is going to pick up the bill? The parents? Her siblings? The siblings spouses? They're all there for a free meal and to check you out. Why would they pay? For the privilege of meeting a farang oldster? The girlfriend's certainly not going to pick up the tab. Total humiliation in front of the family. It's on you buddy. If they're so eager to meet you and they're so affluent, why not entertain you at home? I would definitely bring up the question of who's going to pay before sitting down to din-din. You should be asking yourself whether you would be picking up the tab for 6 people plus yourself on a first date back home. There isn't some mystery etiquette in play here.

 

I've never been on a first date with my date's family tagging along for the ride. To me it sounds like you might be being used as a meal ticket for an all-expenses paid night out. Could be something she does regularly, lots of first dates with family in tow. Never goes any further than a first date. BTW, even in a mid-range restaurant, were everybody to go crazy and over-order food and drinks like there's no tomorrow, you could be talking 10K plus.

 

Wish you the best, but I once went on a date with a girl I met in a shopping mall here. I ended up compensating her and her chaperone friend for the time she took off for work. They also asked me to pay for gas. I ended up paying to fill up the bone dry gas tank even though we probably didn't drive more than 60 km. When we stopped to pick up snacks for our trip to a waterfall, they filled up the entire boot of the car with junk food which they mostly kept after the date was over, and went hog wild over-ordering food which they also took home in doggy bags. I'm just saying that as short-sighted and nickel-and-dime as it might sound, there are people out there who might look at duping unsuspecting dates into footing the bill for their food and entertainment expenses as a quite lucrative and worthwhile extra-curricular activity. Proceed with caution.

 

Edited January 12, 2020 by Gecko123

[Laza 45]

Offer to pay.. from experience they will probably offer  to share  at least.. may even have organised to pay in advance of your offer..  think of the face & merit you gain!  ????

[steven100]

usually when the bill comes all the Thai's will start talking to each other .... 

so it'll be you paying ...  that's how it happens.

 

 

 

Edited January 12, 2020 by steven100

[Opl]

4 hours ago, ezzra said:

Here's a quick heads up when it comes to associating with thai people in in particular the 'family, no matter who's the host or who has more money, all eyes will be turned to you, as this is your time to 'shine' and earn respect by galanty and nonchalant like pulling out this wade of cash or the credit card and pay for everything and everyone, the last thing would be to be perceived as Kiniau and a thightass, this is the tests in which Thai people judging non Thai and suiters to theirs daughters...

It's a sort of "guess who's coming to dinner" blind date with a potential flirt, he's not yet about to ask her, it does'nt have to turn out to an all inclusive buffet at his expenses to impress family and friends. 

[BestB]

Ok, I be the one. So you learned all the information from picking her up on dating site and through Skype ?

 

here is some wake up call information for you

 

1. rich Thai girls do not go on dating sites to meet foreigners 

2. rich Thai girls not only in no hurry to introduce foreigner from internet to their family but are also forbidden to do so

 

so to make it easier for you, you would be picking up the entire tab and rest assured they will not be eating or drinking small to save you any bucks or contribute to a massive bill to come .

 

enjoy your upcoming dinner 

[ChipButty]

If you go to a Farang restaurant I guarantee they will order the most expensive stakes on the menu then when you get the bin well thats another story.

[Don Mega]

4 minutes ago, ChipButty said:

If you go to a Farang restaurant I guarantee they will order the most expensive stakes on the menu then when you get the bin well thats another story.

 

And if dont cough up the dough they will drive those stakes through his heart !!

[samsensam]

10 minutes ago, BestB said:

Ok, I be the one. So you learned all the information from picking her up on dating site and through Skype ?

 

here is some wake up call information for you

 

1. rich Thai girls do not go on dating sites to meet foreigners 

2. rich Thai girls not only in no hurry to introduce foreigner from internet to their family but are also forbidden to do so

 

so to make it easier for you, you would be picking up the entire tab and rest assured they will not be eating or drinking small to save you any bucks or contribute to a massive bill to come .

 

enjoy your upcoming dinner 

 

i agree, depending on your definition of 'rich', i have dated many thai/chinese girls through dating sites/tinder. these girls were certainly well off in a middle class way; lawyers, doctors, own business owners, etc. car/cars owner, property owners, etc. dating them is more like dating girls back home, which i like, no expectations/demands for money, no need to be with me for my money. they can speak english. very civilised.

 

definitely no family involvement until we had got to know each other really well, and often no mention of meeting family at all. when i did meet family it was always made very clear how the meal/occasion would pan out, because my gf ensured i understood, so i just went along was relaxed and able to be, and enjoy, myself.

[marqus12]

One of the scams on dating sites is..."feed me and my friends".