Thai Son won't let Mom hug him after 5 years not seeing her. Is this normal for a Thai adult?

[steve654]

Something has been bothering me for a couple of  years now.  5 years ago when we visited Thailand, my Thai wife's son who lives in Bangkok would not allow her to hug him, not even once.  It was so humiliating for her and I was fuming.  She tried several times throughout the 2 weeks we were there and he would run away like a coward and never let her touch him.   She really missed him and I felt really sad and upset about the whole thing.

 

Her Son told me that when a Thai man gets married, he cannot allow his mother to hug him, even if they have not seen each other for years.  He wouldn't even allow a soft, how are you hug, nothing at all.  Is he bs'ing me big time?  I'm really interested to hear from anyone who has experience with this as I was going to help him out in buying a house, but I am really reluctant because of the way he treated his mother.

Edited March 5, 2020 by steve654

[Curt1591]

Although neither are really into hugging, my brother-in-law, married, will hug his mom. I have witnessed this when one will partake of foreign travel.

A question might be, how well did he accept his mother marrying a foreigner?

[ivor bigun]

Our son hugs his mum and me when he leaves after staying the weekend with us so does his girlfriend ,and my wives sisters always give me a hug when they see me,all the family are like that ,very loving . seems very strange .

[Airalee]

It depends on the person.  I knew a woman who was too shy to hug her dad even though they had a good relationship.

[Farangwithaplan]

12 minutes ago, steve654 said:

he would run away like a coward and never let her touch him. 

Sounds based on the short post's contents like the immature reaction of someone with unresolved issues either in sexuality or with their parent or as already mentioned with his mother's choice of life partner.

 

Must be difficult for you and your wife to deal with. Most Thai men I know hold their mother in very high regard.

 

 

 

[PatOngo]

If you ever crack the code of what goes on in a Thai mind, we'd all be interested to know!

[4MyEgo]

Sounds like he has some underlying issues towards his mum.

 

Thais traditionally don't hug each other, they wai, however it depends on the relationship with the parents, an example would be that my wife hugs her dad and mum when she wants to every now and again, her sisters though, don't, I suppose it all depends on how you grow your children.

 

My wifes sons hug her everyday, she was absent from them for 9 years with me back in my homeland, albeit it she would come here to see them once, twice a year, this is how they grew, she left for overseas when they were 2, so they got used to it being the way it was, grandpa, grandma and the auties would raise them, albeit it not to our liking, but when you don't have choices you deal it the way you can.

 

We now live here and they have been with us for 4 years, turning 16 soon, been back to my homeland last year to see what it is all about, e.g. why mum gave up so much for 9 years to gain so much now and for their futures, opportunity knocks for some, they also have the option of becoming citizens as mum is one, and they want to move there, steady on....... studies first, English improves and we will see.

 

So as I said, it all depends on the relationship and how they feel, my wife is a hugging type of gal and she has taught the boys to also hug me if they feel like it, because they once asked why doesn't papa hug us and only hug the girls, and she told them that in his family of all boys they weren't taught to hug, true story, they hug me before school as the girls do and I go all shy and hug them back, but I love it when my wife hugs me every morning when she wakes up, me her at night when I'm "feeling a little frisky" ????

 

Can she asked him why he doesn't allow her to hug him, and tell him why it is so important for her, as openness is the best policy I do believe, albeit it is not a Thai thing I know.

 

Edited March 5, 2020 by 4MyEgo

[nikmar]

Ive never heard that about being married so cannot hug his Mum. My Brother in Law (married) hugs his mum like he is a baby boy on occassion. Even gets tearful. 

 

 

 

 

[scorecard]

16 minutes ago, Curt1591 said:

Although neither are really into hugging, my brother-in-law, married, will hug his mom. I have witnessed this when one will partake of foreign travel.

A question might be, how well did he accept his mother marrying a foreigner?

And I wonder why the OP labelled the son as a 'coward'.

[scorecard]

4 minutes ago, nikmar said:

Ive never heard that about being married so cannot hug his Mum. My Brother in Law (married) hugs his mum like he is a baby boy on occassion. Even gets tearful. 

 

 

 

 

Confirmed.

[orchis]

his choice.

[steve654]

1 minute ago, scorecard said:

And I wonder why the OP labelled the son as a 'coward'.

because I couldn't comprehend a grown man acting in such a cowardly fashion.  My wife is very loving and a very good mother always supporting her children unconditionally.

[steve654]

1 minute ago, orchis said:

his choice.

Yes it is his choice.  My choice at the moment is to not help him with his house as to me he showed huge disrespect to his mother.  Otherwise he's a nice guy, but the way he acted is hard to swallow.

[scorecard]

5 minutes ago, steve654 said:

because I couldn't comprehend a grown man acting in such a cowardly fashion.  My wife is very loving and a very good mother always supporting her children unconditionally.

Sorry I don't see why that means you should label the son as a 'coward'.

 

Only you and your wife and son know the full details, and that your business of course.

 

However IMHO many readers might well think that the boy felt abandoned and forgotten, not wanted, not loved for many years and therefore the reaction of not wanting to hug his mother. 

 

Perhaps it's time for your wife to slowly reach out and show him some unconditional love, supported by you.

Edited March 5, 2020 by scorecard

[steve654]

1 minute ago, scorecard said:

Sorry I don't see why that means you should label the son as a 'coward'.

 

Only you and your wife and son know the full details, and that your business of course.

 

However IMHO many readers might well think that the boy felt abandoned and forgotten, not wanted, not loved for many years and therefore the reaction of not wanting to hug his mother. 

If you were there and saw the visuals, it was very distasteful, there is just no other way to put it.  Even his wife was disgusted but said nothing except showing mass disapproval with her body language. 

[bkk6060]

Probably get some flack for this, but what kind of a mother is she?

How often has she seen him over the years?

Has it been another 5 years?  That is what it sounds like.

 

I know a few guys who have married Thai girls and taken them back to the states.

One has 4 kids.  So, she goes months on end without seeing her kids.

Then when they come back here, they may show up to her home town for a week, then come back together to Pattaya.  One reason is, he does not trust her to stay there thinking she will have sex with Thai man.

 

I think is is fairly common for those marrying Thais and taking them back to their countries.

Just my opinion, these are terrible mothers not taking care of their kids.  Their kids barely know them as they grow up.

The money and support you ask?  Well, figure out a way.

Many Thai families figure out a way w/o basically abandoning their children..

[Damrongsak]

It happens.  My Thai wife of 40+ years <deleted> off our son due to various reasons.  He says she is dead to him.  I fly around a candle like a moth waiting to get burned.  Caught in the middle ...  I see both sides.

[JingerBen]

35 minutes ago, Curt1591 said:

Although neither are really into hugging, my brother-in-law, married, will hug his mom. I have witnessed this when one will partake of foreign travel.

A question might be, how well did he accept his mother marrying a foreigner?

That's been my experience exactly with my wife's extended Thai family.

There is no lack of affection among them, they just don't express it the way we do.

Hugs and kisses are for departures and arrivals, weddings and funerals.

Your last question may have hit the proverbial nail on the head.

[GarryP]

When I visited my father in the UK four years ago, I hugged him before returning to Thailand. It was a bit awkward for both of us and it was my sister who pushed us into it. That was the first time I remember hugging him. I was 53 and he was 84. 

 

I think it boils down to the background of the people involved.

 

I should add that when I left home at 19, we shook hands and the times we have met since then, up to 4 years ago, we just shook hands.   

Edited March 5, 2020 by GarryP

[Berkshire]

55 minutes ago, steve654 said:

Something has been bothering me for a couple of  years now.  5 years ago when we visited Thailand, my Thai wife's son who lives in Bangkok would not allow her to hug him, not even once.  It was so humiliating for her and I was fuming.  She tried several times throughout the 2 weeks we were there and he would run away like a coward and never let her touch him.   She really missed him and I felt really sad and upset about the whole thing.

 

Her Son told me that when a Thai man gets married, he cannot allow his mother to hug him, even if they have not seen each other for years.  He wouldn't even allow a soft, how are you hug, nothing at all.  Is he bs'ing me big time?  I'm really interested to hear from anyone who has experience with this as I was going to help him out in buying a house, but I am really reluctant because of the way he treated his mother.

You're talking about one isolated case here....not sure why you would ask if this is "normal for a Thai adult."  So your Thai wife and her son have personal issues, that's between the two of them.  Thai men and boys hug their mothers all the time, that's normal.  What a ridiculous question. 

Edited March 5, 2020 by Berkshire

[ChipButty]

We have lots of Thai friends and family and quiet often some of them come down to Phuket we can accommodate them what I like about them all young and old they never come empty handed they always bring me something kanom or chocolate infact today one has just posted down to us 2kg of fruit off their farm I have also had bottles of red wine.

I used to get the feeling Thai's dont Hug but now I always get a big hug of all of them they know it's Farang style and a big wai from the kids

[steve654]

18 minutes ago, Berkshire said:

You're talking about one isolated case here....not sure why you would ask if this is "normal for a Thai adult."  So your Thai wife and her son have personal issues, that's between the two of them.  Thai men and boys hug their mothers all the time, that's normal.  What a ridiculous question. 

The only ridiculous thing is your comment.  Her son made it sound like fact that sons never hug their moms in Thailand after they marry and I wasn't buying it, that's why I started this thread.

Edited March 5, 2020 by steve654

[OneMoreFarang]

Is this normal?

A long time ago I participated in psychological group therapy - which was very interesting.

In that group the question "is this normal" came up all the time. And every time the psychologist said something like: "it's normal for you".

I think that is a very good statement.

It does not matter if from 100 people 99 people do A. That is no reason that the 1 person also has to do A like everybody else. If he wants to do B that's up to him.

Obviously it might be interesting to find out why he reacts in the way he does. But I think don't try to convince him that what he does is not normal and he should change his behavior.

[Berkshire]

Just now, steve654 said:

19 minutes ago, Berkshire said:

You're talking about one isolated case here....not sure why you would ask if this is "normal for a Thai adult."  So your Thai wife and her son have personal issues, that's between the two of them.  Thai men and boys hug their mothers all the time, that's normal.  What a ridiculous question. 

The only ridiculous thing is your comment.  Her son made it sound like fact that sons never hug their moms in Thailand after they marry and I wasn't buying it, that's why I started this thread.

Fair enough.  Then it's a really ridiculous comment the son made.  I would challenge him and tell him that he's outright lying.

[steve654]

1 minute ago, OneMoreFarang said:

Is this normal?

A long time ago I participated in psychological group therapy - which was very interesting.

In that group the question "is this normal" came up all the time. And every time the psychologist said something like: "it's normal for you".

I think that is a very good statement.

It does not matter if from 100 people 99 people do A. That is no reason that the 1 person also has to do A like everybody else. If he wants to do B that's up to him.

Obviously it might be interesting to find out why he reacts in the way he does. But I think don't try to convince him that what he does is not normal and he should change his behavior.

Good point really thanks! 

[steve654]

1 minute ago, Berkshire said:

Fair enough.  Then it's a really ridiculous comment the son made.  I would challenge him and tell him that he's outright lying.

I didn't really challenge him, but I did say that he was hurting his mom a lot by acting that way.  The more I think of it, I may just have to let it be.  My wife was obviously very hurt over all of this, but she still loves him no matter what and maybe that's the answer. 

[Berkshire]

5 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

Is this normal?

A long time ago I participated in psychological group therapy - which was very interesting.

In that group the question "is this normal" came up all the time. And every time the psychologist said something like: "it's normal for you".

I think that is a very good statement.

It does not matter if from 100 people 99 people do A. That is no reason that the 1 person also has to do A like everybody else. If he wants to do B that's up to him.

Obviously it might be interesting to find out why he reacts in the way he does. But I think don't try to convince him that what he does is not normal and he should change his behavior.

While I understand your point completely, I would also add that this is basically psychobabble. 

 

For example, I would suggest that it's normal for people to love their parents.  Is it true 100% of the time?  Of course not.  I have an American friend who absolutely hates his father.  But it's not wrong to say that it's unusual and perhaps "not normal" to hate your parents. 

[Berkshire]

3 minutes ago, steve654 said:

I didn't really challenge him, but I did say that he was hurting his mom a lot by acting that way.  The more I think of it, I may just have to let it be.  My wife was obviously very hurt over all of this, but she still loves him no matter what and maybe that's the answer. 

Perhaps over time, once you gain his trust and he gains yours, he may open up about why he behaves as he does.  The sad thing is that we tend to hurt people that loves us the most only because we can.  Her son should realize that the only reason she's hurt is because she cares for him. 

[justin case]

maybe she was a a.... to him all his childhood

[steven100]

You are correct in your thinking that the son just made the story up ....

or if he didn't make it up then where did he hear or who told him this ?  he won't say because he's lying ?

I'm wondering if he is resenting the fact that his mum has been gone for such a long time and inside he feels she should not have left him, that's why he won't hug her ... maybe he's holding a grudge inside about this.

I wouldn't let it get to me, as time might heal and who knows, one day he might come around and hug his mum. As for helping him out with the house, if he's a good kid and works hard and is not a no good lay about, then I would help him out ... don't think the not hugging is a deal breaker.  just imo