Genuine friendships in Thailand.

[ravip]

Am i the only one who has trouble making real friends out here or can anyone else relate? The answer is a definite NO.

Most of the time, unknowingly (maybe knowingly?) ones own-self might be the cause. As a teen or there about, people do make new friendships easier than when one is in an advanced age. IMHO, I think the following are important factors in a friendship, listed alphabetically.

• Compassion
• Equality
• Honesty
• Independence
• Trust

Then of-course, there can be different types of friendships

• acquaintance
• best friend
• close friend
• friend

First of all, how 'flexible' is one self, for example to trust someone, to start a friendship? Then, how about ones attitude? Do you feel you are superior to the other? During a course of conversation, are you prepared to accept a different view, maybe totally opposite to yours? Then, to build up a good friendship with a foreigner, one great barrier could be the language, but that will not always be a negative cause, but sometimes could be very helpful to build up the initial friendship.

IMHO, I think ones 'attitude' towards each other is a top priority. Showing superiority, throwing around money and 'showing off' will definitely attract the superficial friends and scroungers in abundance (and rightly so)!

Reading through a majority of posts here at TVF, I feel none is capable of building up a genuine friendship with anyone, local or foreign.

Sad... yes!

Edit

Most of the people I meet are either tourists or what most people would consider 'undesirables.'

Most of the other people might be classifying you the same.

Edited April 20, 2020 by ravip
Add

[Lacessit]

5 minutes ago, Matzzon said:

Only 50%???? You surely need to expand you cash stash.

Not necessary, my GF is quite happy with the ATM. I can spare you some intellect if you like.

[Skallywag]

2 hours ago, Liverpoolfan said:

The people I have met and who I thought were my friends turned out to be superficial and were just users.

Am i the only one who has trouble making real friends out here or can anyone else relate?

As someone else said, "true friends I can count on one hand" My long time friends are all back in the states, still email, speak with them, or facetime with them regularly. 

I have been fortunate living at a condo and meeting many people and conversing almost daily with a few of them.  None have asked for money or wanted me to pay for a meal. 

Being retired is likely part of the reason I have met more people here.  Most are also retired and owners of condos here where I live, so not on holiday and not just here for girls and bars.  All have interesting stories and viewpoints on many subjects, and being a good listener helps tremendously, as does not "judging" people for their opinions 

[WalkingOrders]

16 minutes ago, Matzzon said:

That explained a lot. I just guess you have to go out more. 

No. I don't. I'm not in need or looking. "Explained a lot"? What the <deleted> does that mean? Are you studying me? Explained alot about what? Where are you again?

 

This was just a friendly comment about myself with no ax to grind pal!

 

If yer looking to argue or insult go back to a politics page and I will be ready for you and the rest of the nutballs!

 

"Explained a lot" 

 

they just bounce around speading neg like a foul wind.

[19DL86]

That's a very good point LiverpoolFan and one which I and seemingly many others on here, have pondered over in these many years into the autumn of our lives, I d guess.

 

As said above, with good "friends" you need longevity, shared interested, history and also a quality that I can't determine here in a few words.  This comes with and from tests of time, events and emotions. "Grit"

 

Mostly here the fellow Farangs you meet its very one, or at best two dimensional.  Also as many members have said there are a lot of "damaged good" and guys with "baggage".  Too be perfectly honest I am not the same guy I was 13-14 years ago after living here permanently.  Thailand changes you. Some, like myself, in a bad way, you become harder, less trusting, maybe bitter and judgmental.  It's a self protection mechanism.

 

I have lived long term in several areas of Thailand, Pattaya/Jomtien. Cha Am/ Hua Hin and Udon Thani city.  Each of these places I met quite different Farangs, the better being in those time NOT in Pattaya and Jomtien.  In Udon in the whole the guys were very decent, respectful and accepting of Thais and their ways, just a lot less trouble too.

 

I m 60 years old and avoid most younger Farangs, especially British lads under 40-45.  The best company and closes acquaintances I have are fellas both in their late 70s an American and an Aussie.  Lovely fellas and in despite of some very sad and misfortunate turns in their lives, not one ounce of bitterness.

 

I worked in a great job paying fantastic money and this took me all over the world in the 1980s - early 2000s.  I was able to live a lot on my own, enjoying my own company whilst moving about in this work.  I visited Thailand as early as '89......but said many times to my mates "Oh I could never live there".  In 2006 that's what I done as what I wanted from life changed.

 

When you're young you need many friends, you thrive on it, also you're less picky, don't judge too harshly and take umbridge or offense.  Possibly as you re too much enjoying life having fun to give a shhhht about a set of politics, or morality.  We see friends and friendship very different then to how or what we require now in our late years. Ignorance might play a big part also when your 22 or so.

 

As we get older we get wiser, or we should hope to, so we seem to be in a constant state of flux with those around us and the World in general.

 

Now I only need friend to help me and give me something that I can't myself or those few family members who are around me.  Friendships are forged in desperate times or times of need.  Thankfully I ve put all those behind me, never been married until here so no divorces. Dine my jail time when I was young and foolish.  Always had money. So far no bad health and never had any really big emotional concerns.  So I m doing fine and keeping lucky.

 

But it's very very fair to say that you might not find the pedigree or caliber out here unless you are very fortunate.  Or easily pleased.  But that can be said about the women too right?  As for Thai friends, male or female, oh that's a very contentious issue, one best left alone.  Possibly better avoided too.

 

Just be happy with what you have where you are, try find a little something to be grateful of.  If you can't, then you won't find it anywhere but within.

[Lacessit]

5 minutes ago, Skallywag said:

As someone else said, "true friends I can count on one hand" My long time friends are all back in the states, still email, speak with them, or facetime with them regularly. 

I have been fortunate living at a condo and meeting many people and conversing almost daily with a few of them.  None have asked for money or wanted me to pay for a meal. 

Being retired is likely part of the reason I have met more people here.  Most are also retired and owners of condos here where I live, so not on holiday and not just here for girls and bars.  All have interesting stories and viewpoints on many subjects, and being a good listener helps tremendously, as does not "judging" people for their opinions 

These people are acquaintances, not friends. I consider true friends to be the people who help you in a crisis, and I help them in return. People who you can confide in without it coming back to bite you.

[WalkingOrders]

54 minutes ago, rumak said:

I demand 100 percent sincerity and integrity..... and an IQ  over 75.

 

 all three in one person hard to find .   usually takes me about half hour to see which

traits are missing

 

more seriously:   casual friendships with some thais,  and some farangs, I have.

There is a reason that even thai people do not want to get "too friendly" with

neighbors, etc.    Maybe the same reason that farangs have with other farangs.

The initial friendliness somehow changes as we get to know each other better.

"familiarity breeds contempt"   .    BTW:  this saying originated in the 1300's !!

 

Isn't that saying usually used when applied to Superior Subordinate relationships like Officer and His men? Or in other authoritarian relationships like the corporate ladder?

 

"Familiarity breeds contempt"

 

Not something I ever hear applied to friendships.

[WalkingOrders]

9 minutes ago, 19DL86 said:

That's a very good point LiverpoolFan and one which I and seemingly many others on here, have pondered over in these many years into the autumn of our lives, I d guess.

 

As said above, with good "friends" you need longevity, shared interested, history and also a quality that I can't determine here in a few words.  This comes with and from tests of time, events and emotions. "Grit"

 

Mostly here the fellow Farangs you meet its very one, or at best two dimensional.  Also as many members have said there are a lot of "damaged good" and guys with "baggage".  Too be perfectly honest I am not the same guy I was 13-14 years ago after living here permanently.  Thailand changes you. Some, like myself, in a bad way, you become harder, less trusting, maybe bitter and judgmental.  It's a self protection mechanism.

 

I have lived long term in several areas of Thailand, Pattaya/Jomtien. Cha Am/ Hua Hin and Udon Thani city.  Each of these places I met quite different Farangs, the better being in those time NOT in Pattaya and Jomtien.  In Udon in the whole the guys were very decent, respectful and accepting of Thais and their ways, just a lot less trouble too.

 

I m 60 years old and avoid most younger Farangs, especially British lads under 40-45.  The best company and closes acquaintances I have are fellas both in their late 70s an American and an Aussie.  Lovely fellas and in despite of some very sad and misfortunate turns in their lives, not one ounce of bitterness.

 

I worked in a great job paying fantastic money and this took me all over the world in the 1980s - early 2000s.  I was able to live a lot on my own, enjoying my own company whilst moving about in this work.  I visited Thailand as early as '89......but said many times to my mates "Oh I could never live there".  In 2006 that's what I done as what I wanted from life changed.

 

When you're young you need many friends, you thrive on it, also you're less picky, don't judge too harshly and take umbridge or offense.  Possibly as you re too much enjoying life having fun to give a shhhht about a set of politics, or morality.  We see friends and friendship very different then to how or what we require now in our late years. Ignorance might play a big part also when your 22 or so.

 

As we get older we get wiser, or we should hope to, so we seem to be in a constant state of flux with those around us and the World in general.

 

Now I only need friend to help me and give me something that I can't myself or those few family members who are around me.  Friendships are forged in desperate times or times of need.  Thankfully I ve put all those behind me, never been married until here so no divorces. Dine my jail time when I was young and foolish.  Always had money. So far no bad health and never had any really big emotional concerns.  So I m doing fine and keeping lucky.

 

But it's very very fair to say that you might not find the pedigree or caliber out here unless you are very fortunate.  Or easily pleased.  But that can be said about the women too right?  As for Thai friends, male or female, oh that's a very contentious issue, one best left alone.  Possibly better avoided too.

 

Just be happy with what you have where you are, try find a little something to be grateful of.  If you can't, then you won't find it anywhere but within.

What a thoughtful post. Thanks.

[WalkingOrders]

2 hours ago, Ventenio said:

First, ask yourself, "why are these guys going to Thailand?"

 

1.  women

2.  escape

3.  forget

4.  money problems

5.  start over

6.  not think

7.  die

 

if you want a true friend, you should have the same passions.  Well, that's usually 10000000x easier between the ages of 0-30.  Then people get married, kids, and less passions.  So you can join clubs and all that...might help.  

 

the problem is...if he does have the same passion as you, he might still have a bigger problem on the list (see above).  then that creates worse drama than being alone.

 

when in rome......yea, find a girl, 2, 3, try to relax.....if this isn't your thing, think about another country.  

 

 

I got about 5 of those. I notice finding new men to hang out with isn't on the list.

[Salerno]

Based on the US but would be surprised if it wasn't similar worldwide (or at least westernised countries, some cultures with more emphasise on tribalism than individualism could possibly have fairly different results).

 

Edited April 20, 2020 by Salerno

[Relocated]

The way OP describes for making friends, he should go Harvard or Stanford to see whether he can find one. 

What's got to do with expat or no expat for friendship.

Selective friendship is not genuine friendship also.  

[Skallywag]

11 minutes ago, Lacessit said:

These people are acquaintances, not friends. I consider true friends to be the people who help you in a crisis, and I help them in return. People who you can confide in without it coming back to bite you.

I consider true friends same, and no, do not have any here.  Am I lucky that I have an adult son here and some of his family here that would likely "help in a crisis"   

Am not sure what crisis could occur?  Being put in jail maybe?  Getting an ambulance to a hospital? 

[Zikomat]

 

1 hour ago, Liverpoolfan said:

I would argue that merely giving things away to strangers is not a nice gesture, more a fool hardy endeavor that labels you an easy target.

The more you give to Thais for free - the less respect you get from them eventually. And yes, my personal experience with the Thai people is limited by the Pattaya girls and their Isaan relatives. Some of us, foreigners in this country, have an illusion that we can get a good attitude of the locals by showing them our compassion and generosity. Big mistake. 

 

Edited April 20, 2020 by Zikomat

[Skallywag]

9 minutes ago, Salerno said:

 

Have had more than 5 "intimate bonds" . They mostly tend to go back home and forget me until I contact them on Line again - hahaha

Edited April 20, 2020 by Skallywag

[Saltire]

OP you come up with some interesting topics thanks.

 

Being the only farang in the village it is fair to say I have no foreign friends where I live, and due to my basic Thai skills, am very unlikely to change that anytime soon. I do have one American living in another part of Thailand who I have no problem calling a true friend, as we met a long time ago (in Wuhan of all places) in a past life. If another farang came to live here, not sure how i'd feel to be honest. Sometimes at Songkran a local girl will bring a farang home to meet her family, but so far they never stay long ????.  

 

The village we live in is 70% migrant workers and pretty much the majority of the other 30% Thai are related in some way to my wife, but I think she would agree even she has no one here she can call real friends. She recently joined FB and now has about 70 'friends', mostly from her times working away from home in other cities. She only really has one friend you could call a best friend.

 

On the other hand I think this is a very Thai problem, as in my 5 years volunteering in Cambodia prior to coming here, I can honestly say I still have at least 10 Cambodian friends (and a handful of genuine expats) who are real friends. I was fortunate to be working with so many wonderful people, both Khmer and foreigners. My circumstance here are very different and don't lend themselves to making friends.

 

Having no real friends here though is easy to deal with as the wife and I get on very well. We used to book a trip every month to a beach resort or somewhere, mainly to get out of the village, eat, drink, shop etc and of course socialise. China virus has now put paid to that. 

 

  

[WineOh]

18 minutes ago, Zikomat said:

 

The more you give to Thais for free - the less respect you get from them eventually. And yes, my personal experience with the Thai people is limited by the Pattaya girls and their Isaan relatives. Some of us, foreigners in this country, have an illusion that we can get a good attitude of the locals by showing them our compassion and generosity. Big mistake. 

 

everything you said there is bang on mate!

thanks.

[Vigilante]

Most ppl 'die' when they start a family.

Usually they never come back (from the dead)

My biggest chagrin is that most farangs, and I mean the young-ish ones (below 50) ,never seem to have any cool side-projects other than a dreary 'jaaaaabbb'

I actually never met a farang that did have some project going on. (travelling doesn't count)

 

As for thais...fuggetaboutit.

The only ppl that tried to 'befriend' me, turned out to be gay

The only ppl I tried to befriend gave me the cold shoulder or were dead inside anyway.

 

The World is populated by boring/stupid f..ks I say.

 

[villagefarang]

There are so many variables to consider when talking about friendships in Thailand.  Age, where you come from, location, relationship status, work status, time in country, language proficiency, financial status, interests, personality, looks and various other things which tend to change over time.

 

It makes a difference if you moved around a lot or grew up in one place with childhood friends you are still in contact with.  My Thailand adventure started in my early 20s and I will be 66 in a couple months.  Things have change over the years and relationships have come and gone.  This is not a good place if you need consistency and don't do well with change.

 

I have come to terms with this being a very transient place where other foreigners come and go.  To that end my Thai friendships have tended to last longer.  Finding friendship here is not the same for everyone and we are all responsible for the choices we make.

 

Personally I have never understood the whole idea of leaning on friends.  I want to show support and share good times with my friends and I would never want to be a burden to them by asking for anything. 

[Lacessit]

24 minutes ago, Salerno said:

Based on the US but would be surprised if it wasn't similar worldwide (or at least westernised countries, some cultures with more emphasise on tribalism than individualism could possibly have fairly different results).

 

I guess if that study was conducted in Thailand, the results would be skewed. Thais are the most sociable people on the planet, among themselves. My GF has so many friends I have no idea how she keeps track of them all.

As something of an introvert and loner, it's ironic I should be in their midst, and be comfortable with it.

[WineOh]

1 minute ago, Vigilante said:

The only ppl that tried to 'befriend' me, turned out to be gay

same here!!

Had one guy always sniffing around me, inviting to hang out with him and his other farang buddies.

Took me years to figure out that the only reason he was the one thai guy hanging out with 30/40 other english dudes was because he wanted to increase his chances of getting laid ????

 

Always an ulterior motive i find when trying to mix with locals, never genuine friendship. 

[BritManToo]

Just now, Lacessit said:

My GF has so many friends I have no idea how she keeps track of them all.

Unless they're related to her by blood, she won't really care about them.

Thais only really care for relatives, but they have many superficial relationships with people they borrow/lend money from/to.

[19DL86]

35 minutes ago, WalkingOrders said:

What a thoughtful post. Thanks.

Thanks fella, but I thank OP for such a simple but evocative and thought provoking post.  It's all part of the "Meaning of Life".
 

[Lacessit]

2 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

Unless they're related to her by blood, she won't really care about them.

Thais only really care for relatives, but they have many superficial relationships with people they borrow/lend money from/to.

She does have a very large family tree. I've taught her to neither a borrower nor a lender be. Give if you like, but don't give me that borrow BS.

We've toured around Thailand a lot, and it's incredible how we will be in any town or city, and there will be someone there she knows by blood or by Facebook.

[villagefarang]

1 minute ago, Lacessit said:

8 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

Unless they're related to her by blood, she won't really care about them.

Thais only really care for relatives, but they have many superficial relationships with people they borrow/lend money from/to.

She does have a very large family tree. I've taught her to neither a borrower nor a lender be. Give if you like, but don't give me that borrow BS.

We've toured around Thailand a lot, and it's incredible how we will be in any town or city, and there will be someone there she knows by blood or by Facebook.

My wife puts up with family but her true friends are not to be found within the confines of family.

[Enzian]

1 hour ago, Lacessit said:

Women are attracted to power, intellect, physical good looks, and money. Score 50%.

Well at least I have three out of four. You can guess.

[VocalNeal]

Is it me or do most of the respondents here list what they expect from friendship without listing what they will do for friendship? 

 

Maybe speeds volumes?

[Neeranam]

Gotta find people with similar interests. Join a sports club -golf and tennis for me, but have met more Thai friends.

Find others with similar experiences -  for me AA has given my hundreds of friends I could trust with my life, Thai and foreign. 

Also, met a few lifelong friends at work.

[Neeranam]

 

21 minutes ago, villagefarang said:

I would never want to be a burden to them by asking for anything. 

I find true friends can ask for anything and not feel like a burden. 

A problem shared is a problem halved.

[Vigilante]

2 hours ago, FritsSikkink said:

"Friendship with Thais I would say is impossible. "

I am not surprised you think that. You are always posting bad things about Thais, so can't blame them for not being interested.

Yeah...they all read his posts here ????????

[villagefarang]

1 minute ago, Neeranam said:

23 minutes ago, villagefarang said:

I would never want to be a burden to them by asking for anything. 

I find true friends can ask for anything and not feel like a burden. 

A problem shared is a problem halved.

I understand many people look at it that way but I don't.????