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My marriage is kind of 'on the rocks', crumbling around me.


charliechoc
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1 minute ago, 2009 said:

Losing his composure and attacking her is not the trait of an alpha, actually.

 

Wife beaters are losers, not alphas.

 

Financial success an confidence are two major alpha traits and probably the top two things women are attracted to.

I agree and disagree at the same time. If they put hands on me, or go for a knife or some heavy object, then they will be put in their place.

 

But yeah, I don't condone slapping them around for having an attitude or whatever. She needs to keep her hands to herself though, or she will have a reminder that we are not "equal", before I dump her butt.

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15 minutes ago, Kwasaki said:

You clearly know nothing of Thailand and how to handle situations such as the OP's.

I have 7 children and 14 grandchild and 3 great grand children all doing very well thankyou. 👍

Your welcome.

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A post has been removed.

 

Please do not alter a post you quote. In the post I removed, it appears that the entirety of the quoted post was not written by the member that was quoted.

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3 hours ago, richard_smith237 said:

 

(you, or another poster mentioned your son is 6 years old) I’d suggest doing more with your Son... take him swimming, play football, hook up with other fathers and arrange some activities, camping, fishing, making things, just do silly stuff that engages him.

 

 

 

That's great advice.  There are things that only a father can add to a son's life and upbringing.  All the better if you find a couple of farang fathers (or even Thai fathers) with sons the same age to go do "boy things" with.  Does your son have friends in school and have you met their fathers?  Sports, outdoors, hobbies or interests that you can share with your son, all of those are gateways to happiness (for you both!) and bridges to make friends with similar interests.  On that note, have you learned to speak Thai?  That would also open doors and bridges, perhaps even with your wife.

 

Regarding the marriage, something clearly has to change, and the one thing you have control over is you. Isolating yourself in the guest house is not good.  In my own marriage (my wife is Filipina) we co-slept with both of our kids, and for a few years she was in another room with our daughter while I was in the main bedroom with our son.  Intimacy dropped off and it did cause some frustration and tension for some time, but we eventually came to an arrangement that was workable.  There is inevitably some adjustment that comes when kids arrive, but it sounds like your wife is not interested thus far in arriving at a middle ground that will work for you.  Getting your son into his own room (which you indicate is ready for him now) is the next step, as that will shake up the mix.  One method is to move him and your wife into that room, and then after he falls asleep she moves back so that he gets used to sleeping alone/waking up alone in that space.   Then after he's asleep you go visit her and stay there.  It'll be awkward at first, so don't push intimacy immediately, just get the two of you back into bed together each night and let it happen naturally.

 

Yes, getting closer to your son might give your wife a lever that she'll use against you if things go further south, but you really can't withhold that out of fear of what might happen.  There are many studies out there showing how a child benefits from having an active father.   Being a good father is a unique contribution to a child, and a special experience for you  - you get to share and re-live your own childhood, get out there with him for some all-new adventures that will be loads of fun for you both! 

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There is no magic solution. Whatever the OP does will result in him losing something. I would say though that giving "The Talk" is a waste of time. Return to Europe/stay with the wife and child/move out are the choices in front of him and all are plus/minus. It sounds though that for now it is a slow burner of indifference so can be waited out until the Covid situation gets better. She is neither playing up or throwing tantrums so at least that is a plus. However I would take the opportunity to do two things. The first would be to make sure personal finances are sorted and salted away for options. The second thing would be to buy some extra chocolates for the dog.

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3 hours ago, BritManToo said:

There's no reason not to bang her when the kid's asleep.

That's Thai culture, absolutely no clash.

 

I've been here nearly 12 years, longest I've gone without sex (with a woman in the room), maybe 4 days.

Letting a woman control your access to sex is just weak, and women despise weak men.

I think that is good advice too, and something to keep in the back of your mind (and implicitly in the back of hers too).  I recall the lyrics to one of Madonna's songs; "poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another."

 

Ultimately your wife doesn't have the right to deny you having your needs met, that is unless you voluntarily give her that right.

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1 hour ago, chickenslegs said:

There's never any shortage of "alpha males" on the internet. Is it the anonymity that attracts them?

Not many of them seem to be posting on this thread.

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2 hours ago, 2009 said:

Obviously, I thought the context was clear.

 

Or did I miss the part where she was trying to stab him, lol?

No, lol... just saying that I <deleted> hate people who say "YoU sHoUlD NeVeR HiT A WoMaN", yet advocate not only for their equality, but often even for their supremacy (and too stupid to understand, that this is what they're doing).

 

EDIT: Don't confuse me with Mr. "I didn't read the whole thing, and talk about 6 year olds being babies, and pretend that other people in the thread are advocating for domestic violence and spousal rape", please 😉

Edited by FarangULong
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1 hour ago, jak2002003 said:

Funny how these 'alpha males' seem to end up with a trail of failed marriages, live with women who don't love them and who are out to rip them off at the slightest sign of their man's weakness, have their women regularly attack them  yielding knives, and leave behind several of their own estranged children together with a large portion of their assets.   They all also seem rather bitter against women in general.  

 

I suspect most men would not really want a life like that...but maybe they are not 'alpha' enough?

 

Let's listen to these alpha strong men' people for success right? 

Can you please give us the relevant statistical data for this claim of yours?

 

I never married in the first place. I'm the guy that women cheat with, some of them even deceive themselves (or they know, and try to deceive me) and claim that "well I don#t want to cheat, let me break up with him first", while already having kissed, spent time alone with me in private, etc. SO basically it's not cheating for them, until you've actually put it in.

 

Or others just don't care at all.

 

This, along a host of other things, is the main reason why I probably won't ever marry either, unless it's some very conservatively raised virgin young woman, from places like Anatolia, or tiny village (does't have to be Muslim either) somewhere conservative...

 

Just earlier today I checked my facebook for the first time since 2016.... I had a whole bunch of friend requests from women, who would regularly hit me up when they were single again or when they were in the process of "monkey branching" away (well not really applicable, since I don't make them my gf, but it's like they can't be alone and need penis...) from their current boyfriend, fiancee whatever...

 

I messaged a few of them, and already got a couple dates lined up for this week. Some are still in a relationship, but "he's so bad, he doesn't do x, y and z for me, bla bla bla" or single...

I don't care, it's low effort for me, they know that they shouldn't expect anything from me, other than company and some "plumbing work".

 

I used to feel bad for the guys they were with, but honestly... if you don't check your women, and are oblivious to their very nature, then why should I go without, just so you don't feel hurt about it?!

 

It's your own fault, for putting them on pedestals, and acting like a weak, female dog towards them. The better you treat a woman and the less effort they have to put in (ie telling them all the time how beautiful they are, and how you don't mind if they don't do themselves up for you, etc..), the less they will respect you.

 

They only pay lip service to the whole "where are all the good men", yet they will almost always choose the opposite of nice guys.

 

Again, some of you dorks seem to confuse being "alpha" with treating them like <deleted>. You don't have to.. but you have to set boundaries, you have to demand a certain standard be maintained, you have to draw the line, and you HAVE TO follow through and make sure there are consequences, if she messes up, pushes the boundaries, etc.

 

Not even necessarily breaking up with them, unless it's cheating, but if they disrespect you, tell them "we don't do that ish here". Don't fawn over them, but don't chip away at their ego either. Find a healthy middle ground. And make sure it's a two way street...

 

Do nice things for her even. But don't make it so she feels like it's not only not a big deal, but your duty to constantly pay for the best dinners, buy her gifts, etc.

 

Or she won't appreciate it anymore, and definitely won't appreciate you anymore either, but only see you as a means to get things, and occasionaly to throw you a bone.

 

It's not that difficult. You people are overthinking everything, and instead of focusing on what his wife is doing, it's all like "well what did YOU DO to not make her sleep with you" etc. And find a million and one excuses like depression etc.

 

I'm somewhat depressed, but that doesn't diminish my sex drive. If anything with stuff like post natal depression, that might make a woman feel undesirable, she WOULD seek validation even more. What better validation than your husband still wanting to eff the ish out of her?

 

It's the same mentality people have with cheating... if a guy does it, he's "such a pig", if she does it it's "well what DID HE DO to 'make her' cheat?!"...

 

Grow a spine.

 

/endrant

Edited by FarangULong
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56 minutes ago, ChrisP24 said:

 

That's great advice.  There are things that only a father can add to a son's life and upbringing.  All the better if you find a couple of farang fathers (or even Thai fathers) with sons the same age to go do "boy things" with.  Does your son have friends in school and have you met their fathers?  Sports, outdoors, hobbies or interests that you can share with your son, all of those are gateways to happiness (for you both!) and bridges to make friends with similar interests.  On that note, have you learned to speak Thai?  That would also open doors and bridges, perhaps even with your wife.

Yeah, this also.

 

I really resented my father, for not having done much with me as a kid.

 

I'm over it now, but it wasn't easy forgiving him. He was there but he wasn't, and that sounds a bit like how it is with the OP. He could also teach the kid English (which will be good for career choices later), and have the kid teach him Thai in return.

 

A good way to learn languages is by reading kid's books. Ie when I was learning French as an adult already, most of it was through immersion, but I also bought a copy of le petite prince, since kid's books have easier vocabulary etc. but it still helps a lot.

And it also give him and the kid something to talk about, on top of having activities together.

 

I still say though, that unless she starts doing her wife duties, he should put a stop to it. And if she cheated, then he should put a stop to it, no matter what... and def. have the kid DNA tested (even if he looks Eurasian, there are other Farangs about... maybe that's why they want nothing to do with him, because it would be a bit awkard to be friends with someone whose wife you are banging..). I suppose he can still try to be around the kid, or maybe even get custody somehow (I am totally ignorant on Thai family law, but he could always try to take a family vacation to his home country, and maybe have a better chance fighting her in court for the kid there).

 

But women often use the kid as a weapon, once they split, and brainwash them into hating the father. I don't know her, I don't know him, so who knows whether she would or wouldn't. No point staying together if it doesn't work either, that'll just lead to mental health strains (that will eventually manifest physically), probably lots of fights in front of the kid, which in turn might mess the kid up, etc...

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7 hours ago, Kwasaki said:

You clearly know nothing of Thailand and how to handle situations such as the OP's.

I have 7 children and 14 grandchild and 3 great grand children all doing very well thankyou. 👍

I thought you were going thru a divorce

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All this advice,the OP would have surely topped himself by now. 

 

 The marriage is over ,kaput,no need to rekindle something that is not there and never will be,    Plan B  get that kid of yours a UK passport,starve the wife of money,get going,rent elsewhere,if you think she is banging someone else..she is

 

Back to bonnie Scotland

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9 hours ago, charliechoc said:

I think my personality doesnt fit into Thailand to be honest.

If you already know that about yourself and your situation isn't great, then you already know the answer. Seeking advice on the forum is a good move; hopefully it will galvanize you. Follow the truth, it might hurt for a while, but your life will be better for it...............

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You're still with her because you need her and she needs you.  You built a dream 6 years ago and are clinging to it.   Just let it go and move on.  Your dream died years ago and now you have wasted years to look back on.  Reality bites but the future can be better.  Everyday you spend in this relationship is a reflection of your weakness which you will see someday is not justified.   Be a man and let her find her way without you.  She has a home which is probably much more than she dreamed before meeting you.

 

Pack your bags and tell her you are moving on.  Don't tell her where and let her know you will be sending funds (amount up to you) for the kid to her bank each month.    all considering,  the kid is almost assuredly not going to benefit from your presence.  She will have to get a job or not.  Up to her. 

 

Be careful with the details.  I went through ending a 20 year marriage here and pulled it off reasonably well.  Gave her everything in Thailand and kept my investments outside of Thailand.  The most important detail is the clean break so you can start to rebuild.  Don't convince yourself that it is OK to stay in your dream home while you workout the separation details. Do it through email or Line.  Setup times to meet at city offices to register divorce and try your best to not try to fix anything in the relationship.  It is OVER!

 

Good luck and in your current you need a lot of it.

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13 hours ago, it is what it is said:

 sad that you dont feel love from your child, you dont say how old the child is? many couples stay together for the sake of the child - with varying results. if the child only has a few more years of education then it may be worth trying to make it work - after all you and your wife are the adults. if not, and you dont have love from your wife or child it may be time to move on.

he's 6

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