What's the fair family support?

[Mark Wild]

Hey Guys,

 

I have lived with my girlfriend for over six months now. Her family is small for Thai standards and consist of 3 people - her parents and a 12-year-old sister. They live in their own small house in Ratchaburi province close to Damnoen Saduak. Her father used to work as a Japanese-speaking van driver. He has been unemployed for a while due to C-19. Her mother doesn't work. 

Naturally we support them every month, however, no matter what we do it never seems to be enough. Luckily my girlfriend sees that and is probably even more unhappy about this than I am. We would like to get your opinion on what would be a fair monthly support amount  in this situation to provide them with a decent Thai lifestyle. 

We need some information for my girlfriend to have some "negotiation power". What she wants to do is to declare that she will be sending XX amount every month and that's it. "Don't ask more. You will not get more and so on". For now we have a situation in which no matter how much she sends they will always ask for more. "Oh, I have to open a new bank account and need to deposit 2000 there". "Oh, I need to pay annual insurance." "Remember about the New Year... Remember about the Chinese New Year". With this speed soon they will discover their Indian roots and ask for the money for Diwali as well! ;-).

I'd love to hear from as many of you as possible. 

Cheers,
Marc

[MikeyIdea]

I supported a family of 4 (parents and grand parents) living in a farmers village with 4,000 to 4,500 baht per month and they were grateful for it (they had some rice land). The grand parents are dead now so I support 2 with 3,500 baht per month plus hospital / medicine. They are still grateful. My daughters mother live there too now and I support her with an additional 6,000 baht per month only for her and that's never enough... I ignore her requests for more. I separate it into 2 transfers. Totally up to how people are. 

 

I'd say 6,000 to 7,000 baht if they live in that area and don't have loans.

 

Extra for hospital, school fees and school uniform are fair, everything else not. Most Thai's don't have insurance, stop until you get a job again. 

 

Normal child support when I was interpretor in Juvenile court last around 10 years ago was 3,000 baht per month (100 baht per day). This comes as a shock for many Thai's but fact is that even courts expect little allowance. I was in court once when the mother asked for 30,000 per month and the judge laughed and loosely translated said 3,000 is more like it. 

 

6,000 is ok but a bit tough for them, 7,000 plus extra for hospital, school fees and school uniform ad they should be grateful.

[patman30]

food and shelter is all that is needed.

[mtls2005]

46 minutes ago, Mark Wild said:

Naturally we support them every month

Not sure how "natural" this is?

 

How much do you (both/"we") currently pay in total? How much do you contribute? How much does your GF contribute?

 

How much can you afford?

 

49 minutes ago, Mark Wild said:

We need some information for my girlfriend to have some "negotiation power". What she wants to do is to declare that she will be sending XX amount every month and that's it. "Don't ask more. You will not get more and so on".

Asking foreigners for "information" for your thai GF in dealing with her thai family seems, well weird.

 

 

 

 

 

[steven100]

5000 baht / month seems appropriate ... imo

[konaboy]

Don't Thai teachers earn about  20,000 B a month?

Just an indicator.

[Nino3]

34 minutes ago, mtls2005 said:

Not sure how "natural" this is?

 

How much do you (both/"we") currently pay in total? How much do you contribute? How much does your GF contribute?

 

How much can you afford?

 

Asking foreigners for "information" for your thai GF in dealing with her thai family seems, well weird.

 

 

 

 

 

If I were a betting man then I would bet "we" is actually he and there is no how much do you provide and how much does she provide in the equation.

 

Surely she has many friends she could be inquiring with in regards to monthly maintenance for mom, dad and sister. 

 

Personally, per the GF, I don't provide a maintenance salary for her mom and dad. Apparently I'm stingy. I give her 6,000 baht per month for them but she hands it over to them. In her mind, this means she is footing the bill. I find it fascinating how their minds work.

 

If I want to be the provider then I have to hand the money directly to them. I don't dare as I would then be giving the GF 6,000 more so she could take care of them. 

[MikeyIdea]

6 minutes ago, steven100 said:

5000 baht / month seems appropriate ... imo

I'd agree if the family didn't have a 12-year-old sister. With a 12 year old, not enough

[MikeyIdea]

26 minutes ago, Nino3 said:

Personally, per the GF, I don't provide a maintenance salary for her mom and dad. Apparently I'm stingy. I give her 6,000 baht per month for them but she hands it over to them. In her mind, this means she is footing the bill. I find it fascinating how their minds work.

It's a good solution Nino. It's nice of you to help your girlfriend to feel she is helping her parents, it really matters to her. As for the "apparently I'm stingy comment", don't think that you understand Thai's or your girlfriend until you, when seeing it from their perspective, comfortably can remove the word apparantly. Not badly meant, maybe you already can.

[Mark Wild]

3 hours ago, MikeyIdea said:

I supported a family of 4 (parents and grand parents) living in a farmers village with 4,000 to 4,500 baht per month and they were grateful for it (they had some rice land). The grand parents are dead now so I support 2 with 3,500 baht per month plus hospital / medicine. They are still grateful. My daughters mother live there too now and I support her with an additional 6,000 baht per month only for her and that's never enough... I ignore her requests for more. I separate it into 2 transfers. Totally up to how people are. 

 

I'd say 6,000 to 7,000 baht if they live in that area and don't have loans.

 

Extra for hospital, school fees and school uniform are fair, everything else not. Most Thai's don't have insurance, stop until you get a job again. 

 

Normal child support when I was interpretor in Juvenile court last around 10 years ago was 3,000 baht per month (100 baht per day). This comes as a shock for many Thai's but fact is that even courts expect little allowance. I was in court once when the mother asked for 30,000 per month and the judge laughed and loosely translated said 3,000 is more like it. 

 

6,000 is ok but a bit tough for them, 7,000 plus extra for hospital, school fees and school uniform ad they should be grateful.

Thank you for this. Very useful. She has been already sending more than that but as you mentioned it's up to the people. And in this case it's never enough so your numbers are very useful for further discussions. 

[Mark Wild]

3 hours ago, mtls2005 said:

Not sure how "natural" this is?

 

How much do you (both/"we") currently pay in total? How much do you contribute? How much does your GF contribute?

 

How much can you afford?

 

Asking foreigners for "information" for your thai GF in dealing with her thai family seems, well weird.

 

 

 

 

 

I'm an old fashioned dude. Men work. Women take care of men and the house so for me it's pretty natural and the way I like it. 

How much I can afford is a tough question here. I am actually giving my gf her monthly allowance and she decides how much of it she wants to give to her family. I could probably do whatever my gf wants or they want but that's precisely why I am asking here. I want to find a right balance. Do what's reasonable instead of making anyone feel that they are entitled to a percentage of whatever I have or could afford. 

I am asking foreigners to see what they do in practice. My gf asked me for help to deal with this "never enough" situation as she feels the greed coming at her from all directions and is not very comfortable with that either. Yeah, it's rare, I know :-). 

[soi3eddie]

4 hours ago, Mark Wild said:

it never seems to be enough

In my experience here, all the time "support" is forthcoming it is never enough. There is always another problem that needs money. It's a tough situation for you and your GF. The father needs to be encouraged back to work and the mother could quite easily sell noodles or something - I know a girl with young kids that does that quite successfully. IMO it's like food banks; if food is given away free then why not claim it? Certainly beats working and saves money for other things.

 

[dj230]

Supporting your gfs family on a regular basis? Sounds a bit ridiculous if you ask me, albiet I’ve read all about the Thai gf scams

 

I’ve made it very clear to any girl I’ve met who brought this up that I’m not giving any money her family, I’ve been told tons of stories from health issues to business problems to needing to borrow money

 

I’ve boughten gifts for girlfriends family members but it was on my own accord and never when I was asked to do it. 
 

Curious, is your girlfriends family directly asking you (messaging) for money? Or is it your girlfriend telling you they’re asking for money? 

[Lacessit]

I give my GF 8000 baht/month, what she does with it is her business. I'd assume some goes to her family. I also pay utilities, internet, electricity and cooking gas. Her house only, I only give the family small cash gifts at Christmas.

The average wage in her village is 2000-3000 baht/month.

Until I came on this thread, I did not realize how generous I am.

[mtls2005]

1 hour ago, Mark Wild said:

I am actually giving my gf her monthly allowance and she decides how much of it she wants to give to her family.

How much are you paying your GF? How much does she give to her family?

 

I assume that if you are asking others to share their payroll, you'll share yours?

 

Are the GF's family demands for more money made directly to you, or relayed through the GF?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[jak2002003]

Why do you guys give money to your girlfriends....like you are paying them a wage to live with you?  

 

Are they disabled or so uneducated that they can not work or make money for themselves?  

 

Or, would they leave you if you did not treat them like a child and give them their pocket money?

 

What self worth can they get from sponging off you?  And what self worth do you get if you feel the only way she will stay with you is it you pay her to?

 

Perhaps it would be better to pay for them to get a good education and find good work......

 

 

 

 

 

 

[RafPinto]

Tell your GF that she must inform her family that she has no more farang BF.

Suddenly,  the expectations drop dramatically.

[EVENKEEL]

You help out with what you can do comfortably. I don't necessarily give money to family members to be helpful, I'm paying to keep them away from me.

[CharlieH]

This is my opinion.

 

Why are you making a rod for your own back.

You start paying in the manner you propose and it will NEVER stop and there is no incentive whatsoever to go back to  work or help themselves. Why should they, your giving it free !

 

 

Helping is one thing, thats making sure they have food and a roof over their head.Any medical issues, ok, fair enough. (Bare in mind they get 30bt scheme),

 

Help on occasional basis with school costs, ok.OCCASIONALLY. 

Its nit yr job to provide a pension for them. DONT START.

 

You have to be firm and stand your ground.

Help is one thing, being taken advantage of entirely different.

 

 

[spidermike007]

When we were together about two to three years, I was helping my wife's family a bit. Finally, I explained the importance of being able to say NO, to my woman, to say to mom and dad. It is a strange concept here, as the kids are taught a form of extreme obedience, bordering on servitude, sometimes. Especially, the gals. So, we set a limit. And she honored that. 

 

It is a healthy thing sometimes to establish boundaries. Some Thai families have a confused notion about support and think we all have seemingly unlimited funds. 

 

10,000 a month seems generous. And tell them that is it. No games, no talk about being cheap. Just accept it with gratitude. Or, don't accept it at all. Up to you. 

[Mark Wild]

1 hour ago, dj230 said:

Supporting your gfs family on a regular basis? Sounds a bit ridiculous if you ask me, albiet I’ve read all about the Thai gf scams

 

I’ve made it very clear to any girl I’ve met who brought this up that I’m not giving any money her family, I’ve been told tons of stories from health issues to business problems to needing to borrow money

 

I’ve boughten gifts for girlfriends family members but it was on my own accord and never when I was asked to do it. 
 

Curious, is your girlfriends family directly asking you (messaging) for money? Or is it your girlfriend telling you they’re asking for money? 

My gf has her monthly allowance for me as she quit her job to take care of me and the house. She is sending a part of it to her family and now is concerned that whatever she sends is not enough and they always want more, more and more. No one is asking me for anything more. She can be sending whatever she wants from her money. I just appreciate the fact that she shares these concerns with me instead of "buffalo sick" stories. She's young, inexperienced. I'm trying not to be bitter like many here. ????

[Mark Wild]

49 minutes ago, jak2002003 said:

Why do you guys give money to your girlfriends....like you are paying them a wage to live with you?  

 

Are they disabled or so uneducated that they can not work or make money for themselves?  

 

Or, would they leave you if you did not treat them like a child and give them their pocket money?

 

What self worth can they get from sponging off you?  And what self worth do you get if you feel the only way she will stay with you is it you pay her to?

 

Perhaps it would be better to pay for them to get a good education and find good work......

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don't know about the others but I am happy with my gf not working for 6 days/week, 10h+ days for a slave wage. She's studying, she could get better jobs over time but what for? I'd rather have a good girlfriend/wife and a possible mother of my children. A woman should have only one boss. ????

[Mark Wild]

19 minutes ago, spidermike007 said:

When we were together about two to three years, I was helping my wife's family a bit. Finally, I explained the importance of being able to say NO, to my woman, to say to mom and dad. It is a strange concept here, as the kids are taught a form of extreme obedience, bordering on servitude, sometimes. Especially, the gals. So, we set a limit. And she honored that. 

 

It is a healthy thing sometimes to establish boundaries. Some Thai families have a confused notion about support and think we all have seemingly unlimited funds. 

 

10,000 a month seems generous. And tell them that is it. No games, no talk about being cheap. Just accept it with gratitude. Or, don't accept it at all. Up to you. 

Very useful, thank you!

[473geo]

I know of two couples who are working in Bangkok, each grandma is looking after 2 kids and receiving 6k baht a month 

Needless to say it is 'never enough' and additional (school fees) expenses get passed back. 

Personally I think grandma is getting a little short changed, luckily both have other family members to support close by.

 

 

 

[Mark Wild]

1 hour ago, mtls2005 said:

How much are you paying your GF? How much does she give to her family?

 

I assume that if you are asking others to share their payroll, you'll share yours?

 

Are the GF's family demands for more money made directly to you, or relayed through the GF?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She gets 20k. Sends 15k. Not enough. No more demands from them to me or even from her to me. She's just unhappy that whatever she gives is not enough.  I convince her that it's way more than enough. I started this thread to actually show her later a number of opinions that she's giving way more than people usually do. Well, ok, I wasn't sure that would be the case but now I know after I received a few answers between 5k to 10k. 

[1FinickyOne]

1 hour ago, jak2002003 said:

Why do you guys give money to your girlfriends.

simple, to help them along to have a better way of life. 

 

it's called sharing. 

[1FinickyOne]

14 minutes ago, Mark Wild said:

She's just unhappy that whatever she gives is not enough. 

What to give can depend on the lifestyle... how they used to live before covid can be a consideration and if there are increased expenses for schooling the 12 year old..

 

However, the fact that your GF considers them greedy pretty much says it all. She knows their lifestyle and expenses. Unfortunately for your GF, it is her responsibility to face the greedy behaviour and deal with it. This is not easy. 

[1FinickyOne]

1 hour ago, Lacessit said:

I did not realize how generous I am.

I wouldn't get too carried away... 

[Farmerslife]

What are their outgoings?

Do they own the "small house" or are they paying rent?

You mention insurance. Is that medical insurance? If so, does it include both parents and the 12 year old.

What are her schooling costs?

Utility bills?

Does the father still have the van? Is he making repayments on it?  Insurance, repairs?

 

Whilst many people are forced toget by on 300 baht a day or less, it leaves nothing spare for most of the items above. 

 

What can you afford? How much responsibility do you want to shoulder?

You want to be supportive of your girlfriend so it's a difficult choice but limits do need to be set and adhered to unless a genuine crisis arises.

 

 

[BritManToo]

3 hours ago, Mark Wild said:

How much I can afford is a tough question here. I am actually giving my gf her monthly allowance and she decides how much of it she wants to give to her family. I could probably do whatever my gf wants or they want but that's precisely why I am asking here. I want to find a right balance. Do what's reasonable instead of making anyone feel that they are entitled to a percentage of whatever I have or could afford. 

Give them 4,000bht/month AFTER they sign their house and land over to your gf.

(with the agreement they can live the rest of their lives in your gfs house)