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What's the fair family support?


Mark Wild
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been reading the majority of the posts and they all confirmed previous comments about how Thais see us foreigners,  no surprise here, for them all, we are just a walking ATM

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2 hours ago, dj230 said:

So you made her quit her job? Is she going to school?

 

I don't think people are being bitter, they're just being realistic. On one hand you're asking how to say no, on the other hand you're part of the issue as you're the one giving the "allowance" to her/her family, which is promoting this type of reaction. This opens a door to a whole world of problems in the future as the relationship is based off a monetary incentive. Things such as, can she leave if she wants to and will she leave if someone else can provide more. 

 

I have given support to my girlfriends, but never their families and it was always in order to provide my girlfriend with opportunity for better success in the future education/medical checkups/dental care/eye care, not an allowance that could be spent on anything. You also have to think about, what happens if you two separate, do you just have her quit school mid term as she won't be able to afford tuition or are you going to keep providing support for her to continue studies even though you're not together.

 

Funny enough, none of the stories I was told about needing money for health issues, business issues, needing loans must have been that serious because once I said no they were completely fine on their own. 

 

Just my thoughts / opinions when dealing with a relationship and how I manage my money. 

You are a very sensible and level headed person.  I think if others took your advise they would be much happier and settled here in Thailand....and have much healthier and happier relationships with their Thai partners. 

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2 hours ago, jak2002003 said:

You are a very sensible and level headed person.  I think if others took your advise they would be much happier and settled here in Thailand....and have much healthier and happier relationships with their Thai partners. 

I try to be, but it wasn't without a lot of trial and error. 

 

My only suggestion to the OP is to change if he wants to see change. He can choose how he'd like to go about this, however he can't expect to do the same as he is and expect a different result. 

 

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9 hours ago, Mark Wild said:

I am asking foreigners to see what they do in practice.

Well since you asked, a big fat zero. To wife or her parents.

 

 

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1 minute ago, Pravda said:

Well since you asked, a big fat zero. To wife or her parents.

 

 

Read again Pravda, un-self-censored this time

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8 hours ago, Mark Wild said:

She gets 20k. Sends 15k. Not enough. No more demands from them to me or even from her to me. She's just unhappy that whatever she gives is not enough.  I convince her that it's way more than enough. I started this thread to actually show her later a number of opinions that she's giving way more than people usually do. Well, ok, I wasn't sure that would be the case but now I know after I received a few answers between 5k to 10k. 

The family live in a more expensive area so 5 won't cut it where they live, certainly not with a 12 year old girl in the hourse. At the other end, 10,000 only if you are economically comfortable with it. Average 10,000 totally per month is good! (if they have no loans and including school & uniform etc, excluding christmas / new years gifts). As for your gf, she seems nice and is fighting a difficult battle with the family. She deserves appreciation for that and her honesty coming to you. After all, she's basically telling you that her parents are bad. Not easy for her. Would feel nice to help her to get more of the available money.

Need to clear current problems first of course but also good to think about the future and  give a heads up of what you and your gf together come up with (emphasis on gf up to you), for after covid and after the father has a job again, if it is temporary / could or will change in the future.

 

Your gf will find it very difficult to tell them that you will reduce money if the father doesn't try to get a job when times are better so let's not paint the devil on the wall here. It can wait. Your gf knows best, what does she think? You could sit in as moral support and to strengthen the message even if you don't join the discussion, what does your gf think? 

 

Good luck Mark

 

Edited by MikeyIdea
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5 hours ago, MikeyIdea said:

The family live in a more expensive area so 5 won't cut it where they live, certainly not with a 12 year old girl in the hourse. At the other end, 10,000 only if you are economically comfortable with it. Average 10,000 totally per month is good! (if they have no loans and including school & uniform etc, excluding christmas / new years gifts). As for your gf, she seems nice and is fighting a difficult battle with the family. She deserves appreciation for that and her honesty coming to you. After all, she's basically telling you that her parents are bad. Not easy for her. Would feel nice to help her to get more of the available money.

Need to clear current problems first of course but also good to think about the future and  give a heads up of what you and your gf together come up with (emphasis on gf up to you), for after covid and after the father has a job again, if it is temporary / could or will change in the future.

 

Your gf will find it very difficult to tell them that you will reduce money if the father doesn't try to get a job when times are better so let's not paint the devil on the wall here. It can wait. Your gf knows best, what does she think? You could sit in as moral support and to strengthen the message even if you don't join the discussion, what does your gf think? 

 

Good luck Mark

 

Thank you, appreciate your thoughts.

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they are not grateful for what you send them

they are clearly after all they can squeeze from you.

4k maximum is what i would give to people with bad attitude such as this.

and if they are not grateful, i would stop altogether

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1 hour ago, Mark Wild said:

Now the door is broken and it will cost 10,000 to fix it.

I just replaced a door in my house ........... 620bht inc delivery from Home Pro.

I cut the hinges in myself, took an hour to hang it.

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I presume your girlfriend works. Then I'd give them 4000b for expenses and 500b for school. 4500.

 

Give it to your gf and tell her the money is a monthly gift as long as you can afford to do so. You might even not give anything in third month and cut the pay for a month in the beginning so they will not take it for granted.

 

Just a new gf get over it.

 

Better to find a gf that can support her own problems.

 

 

I give next to nothing to my in-laws. They both work. I told them if they retire I'll give them 5k pm. They own land in issarn, house in Pathum Thani but live in BKK.

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Good post Mark. Not everybody on TV are mean bastards not caring about the future who don't think rationally.

 

2 hours ago, Mark Wild said:

Basically she sent 15,000 as a standard to the family in the beginning of the month

They obviolsly can't handle money. Why not do what I had to do with my daughters mother, split whatever money is decided up in 3 transfers.

 

2 hours ago, Mark Wild said:

Two days ago they asked for another 2,000 to open a new bank account because the old one is no good (WHAAAAT?).

....................

Now the door is broken and it will cost 10,000 to fix it. In other words buffalo is sick and it looks like a door

 I've heard this style many times over the 30 and a bit years I have been here. It's disrespect, dishonesty, and deserves to be treated that way. It's much also for the disrespectful though. Have they borrowed money? Some even charge "hundred for 10 per day" (for smaller amounts) so interest can be incredibly high. It sounds quite possible. I'd seriously ask the gf about that. Just a note: It's easy to explode when shocked and scream at the wrong person 🙂

 

2 hours ago, Mark Wild said:

And they probably will never be ok with that especially if one day we buy one for ourselves. 

Never underestimate the power of the family in Thailand. You can put a house in a half childs name (except in Hua Hin and a few more places).

 

2 hours ago, Mark Wild said:

And they probably will never be ok with that especially if one day we buy one for ourselves. 

Depends on how you put your foot down now. That's the solution to all of this

 

Good luck

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23 hours ago, mtls2005 said:

Asking foreigners for "information" for your thai GF in dealing with her thai family seems, well weird.

YUPPP! Fully agree. You should know better than anyone here who and what you are dealing with. 

 

After spoon feeding them what incentive will they have to get back on their own two legs. For me, "her father is a van driver" says it all. These guys were made from the same mold. Ruthless and crappy drivers. 

 

To address your question, I would pay the landlord directly for the rent. No cash in hand ever. I learned that lesson with my ex-wife while we were getting divorced.

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thank goodness my wifes family are nowhere near poor ,but all have busineses or very good jobs , i have never given anything ,but when my wife was in property she used to give me some.

oh one lie there,her younger brother was always on the scrounge ,but not just from me ,but all the family .

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17 minutes ago, ivor bigun said:

thank goodness my wifes family are nowhere near poor ,but all have busineses or very good jobs , i have never given anything ,but when my wife was in property she used to give me some.

oh one lie there,her younger brother was always on the scrounge ,but not just from me ,but all the family .

 

Yours is different and so is mine.

 

 

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3 hours ago, Mark Wild said:

 

The conclusion for me is that I'll keep giving her what I committed last July as long as the relationship works. What she does with it is her choice. I won't give more and if that's not good enough - here is the door. If there is any funny business (like a second "boyfriend) on the side to get more money - here is the door. Love is great and all but my life would be equally good without her. Just different. 

Thank you again for all your contributions. I am checking out for now.

 

 

You are being far too generous..half of the above would be enough..but it`s too late to change that now and stick to your guns it`s either your way or the highway...plenty of ladies here to enjoy life with without the drama of her family.

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18 hours ago, Lacessit said:

I consider I get very good value in return, so I don't care.

Had a couple of relationships in Australia where I wasn't the ATM, I was the whole bank.

been there done that.......  555

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I give the wife 30,000 baht a month. She pays all the bills (mortgage, water, electric, gas, parents funeral plans, car loan and theoretically shopping bill). I do not give her parents (both now close to 80) any regular support, but they have their 700 baht a month pension, live rent free and all utilities paid for. I occasionally pay a larger bill (usually ploughing or harvesting the rice). Both wife's parents still do a little bit of food production (grow vegetables, fruit, catch fish). They use a little bit of the food we buy.

 Some other family members (and the wife) did have debt problems which have also been expensive.......

I just pay daughter's school fees, petrol and pay for some shopping. Not a lot left after all that!

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