Love doesn’t have to hurt

[webfact]

 

We all have our own definition of love. For some, love means caring, kindness, trust, honesty, respect and commitment. For others, it’s about being the best of friends. To many, love is about being patient, communicating and, yes, arguing too. But there is one thing, according to an expert, that certainly doesn’t belong to love and relationships and that’s abuse, whether physical, emotional or sexual.

 

“Love is not abuse. It shouldn’t hurt. No one has the right to abuse you. And you shouldn’t tolerate any form of abuse even though you are told by the abuser that he or she is doing that because they love you,” said Dr Apichat Jariyavilas, a psychiatrist and a spokesperson for the Department of Mental Health, Ministry of Public Health.

 

Domestic abuse is often disguised as or confused with love, he noted.

 

“Abuse is abuse. It doesn’t involve love. And it’s not part of a healthy relationship. A lot of couples in the world have a healthy relationship without abuse and violence,” he said, explaining that victims of abuse choose to stay in an unhealthy or abusive relationship. Fear tends to be one of the biggest factors.

 

Full story: https://www.thaipbsworld.com/love-doesnt-have-to-hurt/

 

-- © Copyright Thai PBS 2023-02-25

 

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[Hummin]

The question is, why so many men and women accept abuse? They just can not manage to get out of it, before it is to late? 

 

I cant twist my head around it, but It is for some easier to stay in an abusive relationship than leaving.

 

I know a few elderly men, stuck in their house, abused daily by their wifes, and those men have nothing else, and can not leave, and the same goes for many women, often more women than men.

 

Men building in their wife name, make her take mortgage on the land and house, and he controls everything while she know she can not leave him, because of the dept. Many ways to control people and economic is a great tool for it.

[Shop mak]

Domestic abuse continue because Bib seldom do anything. Witnessed myself many times, Bib arrive, husband wife or common wife (live-in), and they're told to calm down, and that's it.

 

Hummin post above was spot on.

 

Many women on dating sites write "no violence accepted", shows how common this problem is. Until authorities and law makers change the laws, and Bib act stricter, nothing will change.

[BananaStrong]

emotion abuse.   psychological abuse, if that's different, not sure.   maybe.

passive aggressive abuse.    whatever abuse....

 

bottom line.  NOBODY owns you.  If you are not happy, leave.   Your gut will say if you are not happy because you are not eating a good steak or you are not happy because your life is an absolute disaster.  I can't tell you which unhappy you are.    any abuse, leave immediately.  if you are not strong enough, then go to the police.  if afraid, go to friends and family.  if none, then get off this website and seek help to get stronger.   

 

I love my cat.  nobody gets hurt.   lol

 

bottom line:    moral of the story:    the lesson here:    go to PATTAYA!!!!!!!

[jvs]

I can agree with most that is set above,violence in any form is not part

of love but unfortunately often part of a relation ship.

My first marriage ended in disaster,mostly for me.

I learned and now have been very happy for many years already.

You need to set rules for both parties from the get go but a lot of young

people still are learning the hard way.

In the west there seems to be a definite shift in the type of abuse and

in who is doing the abuse.

There is a reason why a lot of Western men do not bother with a relationship anymore.

Here we are talking about Thailand of course and a lot of people here accept (physical)abuse as part of a relationship.

I really needs to end because there are too many extremes and so called

honor killings(loss of face).

In the west there is immediate help for abused women,here they are on

their own and where can they go with no job and no money?

The school system world wide should teach children about what is a healthy relationship and how to achieve that.

Start with tackle bullying in the classroom!

[ikke1959]

Love must be learned.... and be honest, I see a lot of people who don't know what love is in Thailand...It is normal to have a mia noi or so, normal to cheat, normal for kids to be brought up with grandparents or other families, so they will never experience the love of a parent..and parents will never know how to love a kid,  Divorces and split up are normal.. as nobody is putting energy in the relation.... sex, money and freedom are the drivers .. It is shown by the top to lowest ranks in this society... Education is needed, but who can educate this as teachers do the same, parents don't know and society is accepting the way it is now....a very long way to go in Thailand  

[NextG]

Abusers are everywhere. It’s not about just men or just Thailand. People seek to gain advantage in one way or another. By hook or by crook…

Some men may use violence against duplicitous and passive aggressive behaviour as they simply do not know how else to respond. 
If you watch old movies, giving a woman a slap ‘to bring her to her senses’ was not uncommon. 

No doubt some sections of society still adhere to those principles. Man as the head of the household/captain of the ship; that sort of thing. 
I dare say that many who visited Thailand did so not only for the availability of short time friends, but the old fashioned gender roles. 
The woman took care of him and the children and he took care of everything else. If that was how they were brought up, how else would they be expected to behave?

I’m not referring to violence, but gender roles. 
I’ve grown up seeing both sides and understanding their grievances. 
A problem is that certain characters will take advantage of certain situations given the chance. 
Some men might use violence to control women and some women might use duplicity to control men. Both abusive. 
Not making any particular point other than I am not so quick to judge. 
Personally, I stayed in abusive relationships because the abuser tried to convince me that I was the bad one. 
If another woman looked at me, it was somehow my fault. 
It might sound ridiculous to put up with that kind of thing, but you do…. in order to demonstrate commitment etc Some people just use that and give nothing of themselves. Rather they live off abusing people’s kindness. 
Abuse comes in many differing forms. 
 

 

[hotchilli]

5 hours ago, webfact said:

Domestic abuse is often disguised as or confused with love, he noted.

Or abuse which is ignored by authorities and institutions that dish it out,instead of preventing it.

[Freddy42OZ]

5 hours ago, BananaStrong said:

moral of the story:    the lesson here:    go to PATTAYA!!!!!!!

This is where the problems usually begin for most of the sad old men who come to Thailand looking for sex.

The moral of the story should be stay away from Pattaya!

[liddelljohn]

Conventional Christian values on Love are not the only way ,, having  more than one partner can be as loving  and successful,, abuse is  caused by individuals and also society imposing  arbitary control on  an intelligent ape which is what humans are .

[spidermike007]

I think one tends to accept abuse directly in proportion to how low your self-esteem is. And the more you accept bring in a toxic relationship, the greater your self loathing becomes. I have seen it so many times, with friends and family.

 

If you have enough self-esteem and enough self love you simply don't tolerate it, you simply walk, you move on, you try to improve things if they can be improved, and if not you just simply move on and you find somebody who's worthy of your life, and your devotion.

 

In my opinion, it is really that simple. 

Edited February 25, 2023 by spidermike007

[Jerno]

19 hours ago, Shop mak said:

Domestic abuse continue because Bib seldom do anything. Witnessed myself many times, Bib arrive, husband wife or common wife (live-in), and they're told to calm down, and that's it.

 

Hummin post above was spot on.

 

Many women on dating sites write "no violence accepted", shows how common this problem is. Until authorities and law makers change the laws, and Bib act stricter, nothing will change.

Yes, Bib are so well trained and knowledgeable about domestic violence and how to properly deal with it when called.  Bib very competent, yes indeed. In a patriarchal archaic Society and police not going to take womens side on such things. 

[thaibeachlovers]

20 hours ago, Hummin said:

I cant twist my head around it, but It is for some easier to stay in an abusive relationship than leaving.

I can only speak for myself, but I invested too much in the relationship to walk away till it got to the point i had no option but to do so.

Also, it was my last chance to live in LOS till I died. I lost both the relationship and the chance to live in LOS when I got divorced, to my eternal regret.

[zzaa09]

47 minutes ago, spidermike007 said:

I think one tends to accept abuse directly in proportion to how low your self-esteem is. And the more you accept bring in a toxic relationship, the greater your self loathing becomes. I have seen it so many times, with friends and family.

 

If you have enough self-esteem and enough self love you simply don't tolerate it, you simply walk, you move on, you try to improve things if they can be improved, and if not you just simply move on and you find somebody who's worthy of your life, and your devotion.

 

In my opinion, it is really that simple. 

Well said, Mike.....

I might add that it's quite imperative for the individual to know what they're jumping into - know and understand one's partner before becoming attached. Be responsible.

Edited February 25, 2023 by zzaa09

[thaibeachlovers]

19 hours ago, Shop mak said:

Domestic abuse continue because Bib seldom do anything. Witnessed myself many times, Bib arrive, husband wife or common wife (live-in), and they're told to calm down, and that's it.

 

Hummin post above was spot on.

 

Many women on dating sites write "no violence accepted", shows how common this problem is. Until authorities and law makers change the laws, and Bib act stricter, nothing will change.

IMO wrong. Domestic abuse will continue as long as women are willing to live with bad men. Men don't generally change, and the signs will be there at the beginning.

Some women, IMO, are so desperate to get married that they will marry anyone that asks no matter how bad he is, then they complain when he behaves in the way he always did.

My ex married a bad man that she knew was bad. When I asked her why she married him if she knew he was a violent drunkard, she replied that "she thought she could change him"! She didn't leave him till after he traumatised the two children that they had together.

 

BTW, cops are not social workers.

[jacko45k]

14 hours ago, Freddy42OZ said:

This is where the problems usually begin for most of the sad old men who come to Thailand looking for sex.

The moral of the story should be stay away from Pattaya!

I didn't think the topic was even about relationships that only last a few hours and involve payment!

[Seeall]

22 hours ago, jvs said:

I can agree with most that is set above,violence in any form is not part

of love but unfortunately often part of a relation ship.

My first marriage ended in disaster,mostly for me.

I learned and now have been very happy for many years already.

You need to set rules for both parties from the get go but a lot of young

people still are learning the hard way.

In the west there seems to be a definite shift in the type of abuse and

in who is doing the abuse.

There is a reason why a lot of Western men do not bother with a relationship anymore.

Here we are talking about Thailand of course and a lot of people here accept (physical)abuse as part of a relationship.

I really needs to end because there are too many extremes and so called

honor killings(loss of face).

In the west there is immediate help for abused women,here they are on

their own and where can they go with no job and no money?

The school system world wide should teach children about what is a healthy relationship and how to achieve that.

Start with tackle bullying in the classroom!

and in the west the hourdes of self entitled cows running around blaming men for their lives and just oput to steal more and justify it...

[Hummin]

3 hours ago, thaibeachlovers said:

I can only speak for myself, but I invested too much in the relationship to walk away till it got to the point i had no option but to do so.

Also, it was my last chance to live in LOS till I died. I lost both the relationship and the chance to live in LOS when I got divorced, to my eternal regret.

I just got to know one now in my neighborhood who have been emotionally kicked around in a long distance relationship, where she have got his emotions based on her difficult past, and he feel to much empathy with her, and accept her unpredictable behaviour. She have done the standard warm treatment, cold treatment, silenced treatment, and all over again and again, as well left him for a longer period during covid. Now he finely moved here, and in few months spent all his money on her land, and believe now he is here in person, everything will be okay. I guess this is typical road to disaster, and seen many examples of this during my time in Thailand. 

 

I also suspect many just cant leave out of same reasons you describe, but what is worst? Live in a toxic relationship or be able to get a new start? 

 

No matter man or woman, there is no excuse for abusive behaviour, and I do not believe bad behavior just comes out of the blue without any signs. If you are a good man, then you should have zero tolerance no matter how much empathy you have for that person. 

Edited February 26, 2023 by Hummin

[NextG]

4 hours ago, thaibeachlovers said:

IMO wrong. Domestic abuse will continue as long as women are willing to live with bad men. Men don't generally change, and the signs will be there at the beginning.

Some women, IMO, are so desperate to get married that they will marry anyone that asks no matter how bad he is, then they complain when he behaves in the way he always did.

My ex married a bad man that she knew was bad. When I asked her why she married him if she knew he was a violent drunkard, she replied that "she thought she could change him"! She didn't leave him till after he traumatised the two children that they had together.

 

BTW, cops are not social workers.

You seem to believe that domestic abuse is only perpetrated by men. 
Men just don’t cry out loud. 

[Hummin]

1 minute ago, NextG said:

You seem to believe that domestic abuse is only perpetrated by men. 
Men just don’t cry out loud. 

Yes they do, often, especially after they realize they have been deleted over with open eyes

[Hummin]

Just now, Hummin said:

Yes they do, often, especially after they realize they have been deleted over with open eyes

And then start hate every woman, and claims renting is the best thing to do, and never risk to be hurt again. 

[NextG]

Just now, Hummin said:

Yes they do, often, especially after they realize they have been deleted over with open eyes

I meant that you don’t often, if at all, see men trying to make capital out of ‘domestic abuse’. 

[Hummin]

3 minutes ago, NextG said:

I meant that you don’t often, if at all, see men trying to make capital out of ‘domestic abuse’. 

Men are mostly to proud to do so. What kind of woman, want to listening to someone who lost to another woman? Woman do to get empathy, and strenghten the new potential mans ego, of feeling better than the last one she had, and do not feel so threatening by his ghost knowing she do not like him anymore. Women often get triggered by men had earlier beautiful women and so on

[BritScot]

So many tough experts on here from dating sites to psychology experts. It is easy to slip into an abusive relationship even for Alpha males: responsibilities, the thought of failure add a little bit of disbelief. For me it was the army and going away prolonged putting up with the abuse but coming out of the army and no longer having the getaway marriage did not last long then.

[metisdead]

An uncouth troll post has been removed.

[Tropposurfer]

Yep you are right Dr. love has nothing to do with abuse. Sadly a large proportion of the entire world has a decidedly distorted inner experience of and translation of what love is.

If I had an extra dollar for every person who has sat in my consulting rooms over the years of my practicing and told me about how their parents hit (beat) them, terrorised them and controlled them with fear and shame, and then 'mind-<deleted>' them by telling them it was because they loved them I'd be a heck of a lot richer than I am.

[zzaa09]

1 hour ago, Tropposurfer said:

Yep you are right Dr. love has nothing to do with abuse. Sadly a large proportion of the entire world has a decidedly distorted inner experience of and translation of what love is.

If I had an extra dollar for every person who has sat in my consulting rooms over the years of my practicing and told me about how their parents hit (beat) them, terrorised them and controlled them with fear and shame, and then 'mind-<deleted>' them by telling them it was because they loved them I'd be a heck of a lot richer than I am.

The entire world.

Really?

[still kicking]

On 2/25/2023 at 4:31 PM, Freddy42OZ said:

This is where the problems usually begin for most of the sad old men who come to Thailand looking for sex.

The moral of the story should be stay away from Pattaya!

Nonsense I been to Pattaya 17 times never had sex and never went to a bar 

[Mac Mickmanus]

4 minutes ago, still kicking said:

Nonsense I been to Pattaya 17 times never had sex and never went to a bar 

Beers from 7/11's and street girls ?

[still kicking]

3 minutes ago, Mac Mickmanus said:

Beers from 7/11's and street girls ?

No, I just buy a carton and drink at home, and I visit Pattaya because I have friends there.