What is Love or is it the Money

[Skiskunk]

Iv been visiting Thailand and getting to know my Thai girlfriend once every year for over 10 years.

Each time is equivalent to a month. After adding up the weeks (minus covid and lack of funds) its about 9 months.

On the 5th year after I came home from visiting Thailand I caught her with video evidence she went behind my back with another guy.
After ignoring her a month I final gave in and gave her a second chance. After covid on my first year back we agreed to marry to satisfy her mother before she leaves this world, (yes i know what's the point of the dowry) Since then things seem different.

My point is that the wedding we had was not official meaning we had a speaker but no monks present it was like a small village family wedding, no papers to sign and when asking her to change name she refused to as she says to much work. Secondly I wanted to tell our Thai friends but she told me not to.
After all the wedding photo where put on to USB sticks and copies handed out I said we can put our framed photos up on her wall next to all her other family portraits.
Over a year has passed and still there is no sign of them up on the wall and she still makes excuses.

The next visit I intend to have it out explain what I expected of our marriage and how I think it was mistake or how can we work to make it better if she is willing to try.

Question is: I'm I right in saying that no divorce procedure would be needed if no documents or registration was ever done. Just a straight forward prove that you love me or I just walk away is needed.

[KannikaP]

I stopped reading after the first sentence.

[Cameroni]

13 minutes ago, Skiskunk said:

Iv been visiting Thailand and getting to know my Thai girlfriend once every year for over 10 years.

Each time is equivalent to a month. After adding up the weeks (minus covid and lack of funds) its about 9 months.

On the 5th year after I came home from visiting Thailand I caught her with video evidence she went behind my back with another guy.
After ignoring her a month I final gave in and gave her a second chance. After covid on my first year back we agreed to marry to satisfy her mother before she leaves this world, (yes i know what's the point of the dowry) Since then things seem different.

My point is that the wedding we had was not official meaning we had a speaker but no monks present it was like a small village family wedding, no papers to sign and when asking her to change name she refused to as she says to much work. Secondly I wanted to tell our Thai friends but she told me not to.
After all the wedding photo where put on to USB sticks and copies handed out I said we can put our framed photos up on her wall next to all her other family portraits.
Over a year has passed and still there is no sign of them up on the wall and she still makes excuses.

The next visit I intend to have it out explain what I expected of our marriage and how I think it was mistake or how can we work to make it better if she is willing to try.

Question is: I'm I right in saying that no divorce procedure would be needed if no documents or registration was ever done. Just a straight forward prove that you love me or I just walk away is needed.

 

Why did you just "visit" for 10 years, why did you not live together? And how long were these visits?

 

How do things seem different now?

 

Refusing to change the name, to tell friends she is married and to hang up the photo are not good signs. How would she "prove" she loves you though?

[BangkokHank]

I think you already have all the proof that you need - that she DOESN'T love you. Without even knowing you, I think you can do better for yourself. Heck, even being alone would be better.

[Moonlover]

29 minutes ago, KannikaP said:

I stopped reading after the first sentence.

You shouldn't have done. You'd have had a really good laugh!

[Skiskunk]

On 8/9/2024 at 9:10 AM, Cameroni said:

 

Why did you just "visit" for 10 years, why did you not live together? And how long were these visits?

 

How do things seem different now?

 

Refusing to change the name, to tell friends she is married and to hang up the photo are not good signs. How would she "prove" she loves you though?

Thank you... i first went to visit Thailand as an adventure didn't expect to meet lady who became friends with. i couldn't live in Thailand as i have a daughter back home who i love and raise and look after on my own.

the plan was to be successful in my t shirt printing business then move to Thailand once my daughter gains independence. But business not making enough money so know im thinking maybe i need to face reality and make a new start or turning point.

[Skiskunk]

On 8/9/2024 at 9:03 AM, KannikaP said:

I stopped reading after the first sentence.

i understand thank you

[Skiskunk]

23 hours ago, BangkokHank said:

I think you already have all the proof that you need - that she DOESN'T love you. Without even knowing you, I think you can do better for yourself. Heck, even being alone would be better.

yes i was thinking that... maybe my resources are better used else where. thank you

[Hummin]

New member First post makes a poll

[KannikaP]

14 minutes ago, Skiskunk said:

yes i was thinking that... maybe my resources are better used else where. thank you

Yes, Hans Christian Anderson wrote fairy tales too.

What a start to your AN career. I'd stay away if I were you.

[oxo1947]

So I joined yesterday----and I have this woeful tale to tell....................so I thought I would not only do a post---but as first time why not run a poll.   It does leave me wondering what I will do to get answers to my 2nd fantasy Post---next week.

 

 

 

 

 

[Lacessit]

It's the money.

 

No Thai woman committed to you would behave this way.

 

No documentation, she has no legal rights to any of your assets before or after the "marriage".

 

Do you have a will in which she is a beneficiary?

 

Are you worth more to her dead than alive?

 

Consider your options carefully.

[ChrisP24]

I didn't vote because your question is about your GF specifically.

 

So, you visit for a month each year.  You enjoy that, she enjoys that too, or at least tolerates it for whatever benefit she derives from it.  You didn't say what that benefit is for her, would it be correct to assume that it's financial support whether you are there or not?   In any event, clearly one month per year is enough for her, and the "marriage" was an unofficial local ceremony to placate an older relative, with the added benefit of keeping you hooked. 

 

This sounds a bit like a timeshare situation - - you only get to stay and enjoy the facilities during your brief alotted time, but in between you still have to pay ever-increasing monthly maintenance fees and occasional special assessments.  And when you annualize it you discover that the accommodation is rather expensive for what you get, all for the illusion of ownership.  And your unit most certainly does not sit around empty waiting for your next alloted time slot to come around.

 

On the other hand, if you haven't been sending financial support, then maybe it's not a bad arrangement - - you both have someone you know and like with whom to spend a month together each year.  And you each have the other 11 months to do whatever you want enjoying your separate lives.  That is not necessarily a bad arrangement as long as both people see it that way.  Maybe you can strike a fair balance by coming around to her way of thinking, and check to make sure that your financial resources are allocated accordingly.

 

But if you want more than that, then it looks like that will have to come from another partner.  And it's going to be very hard to find a partner who views the relationship as full-time and/or exclusive when you can only visit one month per year.  So your current situation might be the best you can expect unless you find a local lady (local for you) or move.  

 

 

[Upnotover]

On 8/9/2024 at 2:54 PM, Skiskunk said:

when asking her to change name she refused to as she says to much work

Fake OP and story but that's funny anyway.  They change their names as easily as their underwear.

[Cameroni]

20 hours ago, Skiskunk said:

Thank you... i first went to visit Thailand as an adventure didn't expect to meet lady who became friends with. i couldn't live in Thailand as i have a daughter back home who i love and raise and look after on my own.

the plan was to be successful in my t shirt printing business then move to Thailand once my daughter gains independence. But business not making enough money so know im thinking maybe i need to face reality and make a new start or turning point.

 

Thank you for explaining. As you know generally a girl wants to get married and have children, and ensure she and her are taken care of. When she was with you initially that iswhat she was hoping for most likely. Since you have shown that you will not provide that for her, but staying for a short period and staying in your home country for 10 years her thinking now is most likely "He provides money, I will keep him, it is only a short period each year, and I need the money".

 

However, since she can not count on you to make a full commitment to her, ie come and stay with her full time in her country, she is most likely also looking at other sources of providers and if she finds a good one she will choose him. If you want her you will have to move to Thailand or bring her to your country. But starting anew is most likely a better option.

 

How old are you both and how much were you sending her every month?

[Skiskunk]

On 8/10/2024 at 3:50 PM, ChrisP24 said:

I didn't vote because your question is about your GF specifically.

 

So, you visit for a month each year.  You enjoy that, she enjoys that too, or at least tolerates it for whatever benefit she derives from it.  You didn't say what that benefit is for her, would it be correct to assume that it's financial support whether you are there or not?   In any event, clearly one month per year is enough for her, and the "marriage" was an unofficial local ceremony to placate an older relative, with the added benefit of keeping you hooked. 

 

This sounds a bit like a timeshare situation - - you only get to stay and enjoy the facilities during your brief alotted time, but in between you still have to pay ever-increasing monthly maintenance fees and occasional special assessments.  And when you annualize it you discover that the accommodation is rather expensive for what you get, all for the illusion of ownership.  And your unit most certainly does not sit around empty waiting for your next alloted time slot to come around.

 

On the other hand, if you haven't been sending financial support, then maybe it's not a bad arrangement - - you both have someone you know and like with whom to spend a month together each year.  And you each have the other 11 months to do whatever you want enjoying your separate lives.  That is not necessarily a bad arrangement as long as both people see it that way.  Maybe you can strike a fair balance by coming around to her way of thinking, and check to make sure that your financial resources are allocated accordingly.

 

But if you want more than that, then it looks like that will have to come from another partner.  And it's going to be very hard to find a partner who views the relationship as full-time and/or exclusive when you can only visit one month per year.  So your current situation might be the best you can expect unless you find a local lady (local for you) or move.  

 

 

Thank you... its more like your second quote “On the other hand, if you haven't been sending financial support, then maybe it's not a bad arrangement”

everything you said in the paragraph is more or less true. She knows Im not a typical rich Farang man and the plan was to see if could afford more visits each year eventually I would set up my t shirt business at her house and provide for us both. But since covid things have got worse.

She went with another man just before covid I have video proof. My business is not doing very well.

Just yesterday I had a discussion with her on skype and she now told me because she is over 50 years and she dry downstairs even-though I said we should what to do to make more fun for us both she now shock her head and said no sex. I said ok so what about me. She then held her hand up and jolted them up and down stating she would give me relief.

I also told her I dont see me being able to set up my business in Thailand is there any way we can combine our money together as she has many lands and wants to start hotel. She replied not possible to much money. So ther I am even more in a dilemma. p.s. She has already been married and divorced with 2 children from previous Thailand man.

[Skiskunk]

On 8/10/2024 at 4:00 PM, Upnotover said:

Fake OP and story but that's funny anyway.  They change their names as easily as their underwear.

what do you mean OP. and yes i know they change as they think previous name bad luck. p.s. not fake true

[Skiskunk]

On 8/10/2024 at 10:19 AM, Lacessit said:

It's the money.

 

No Thai woman committed to you would behave this way.

 

No documentation, she has no legal rights to any of your assets before or after the "marriage".

 

Do you have a will in which she is a beneficiary?

 

Are you worth more to her dead than alive?

 

Consider your options carefully.

thank you... no will or documents signed. the marriage was her second and it was quick and cheap no monks no register only local village speaker.

[Skiskunk]

On 8/11/2024 at 5:49 AM, Cameroni said:

 

Thank you for explaining. As you know generally a girl wants to get married and have children, and ensure she and her are taken care of. When she was with you initially that iswhat she was hoping for most likely. Since you have shown that you will not provide that for her, but staying for a short period and staying in your home country for 10 years her thinking now is most likely "He provides money, I will keep him, it is only a short period each year, and I need the money".

 

However, since she can not count on you to make a full commitment to her, ie come and stay with her full time in her country, she is most likely also looking at other sources of providers and if she finds a good one she will choose him. If you want her you will have to move to Thailand or bring her to your country. But starting anew is most likely a better option.

 

How old are you both and how much were you sending her every month?

She has already been married to thia man and has 2 children who have grown up. Our marriage was second done in vilage with local speaker. She wasnt wanting anymore children just someone to live with her and provide. I have explained Im not a typical rich Farang man and the plan was to see if could afford more visits each year eventually I would set up my t shirt business at her house and provide for us both. But since covid things have got worse. She cheated on me and my business went down. We are in our 50s and im now now in more thought from our skype discussion yesterday.

she now told me because she is over 50 years and she dry downstairs even-though I said we should what to do to make more fun for us both she now shock her head and said no sex. I said ok so what about me. She then held her hand up and jolted them up and down stating she would give me relief.

I also told her I dont see me being able to set up my business in Thailand is there any way we can combine our money together as she has many lands and wants to start hotel. She replied not possible to much money.

[Cameroni]

1 minute ago, Skiskunk said:

She has already been married to thia man and has 2 children who have grown up. Our marriage was second done in vilage with local speaker. She wasnt wanting anymore children just someone to live with her and provide. I have explained Im not a typical rich Farang man and the plan was to see if could afford more visits each year eventually I would set up my t shirt business at her house and provide for us both. But since covid things have got worse. She cheated on me and my business went down. We are in our 50s and im now now in more thought from our skype discussion yesterday.

she now told me because she is over 50 years and she dry downstairs even-though I said we should what to do to make more fun for us both she now shock her head and said no sex. I said ok so what about me. She then held her hand up and jolted them up and down stating she would give me relief.

I also told her I dont see me being able to set up my business in Thailand is there any way we can combine our money together as she has many lands and wants to start hotel. She replied not possible to much money.

Okay, I understand now. Her giving you the "no more sex" talk, you had to make clear that is completely unacceptable to you. But in any event her refusal to combine resources shows she is not in it in any meaninful way. 

 

The good news, since you're merely in your 50s, you can have your choice of attractive younger women. I don't think going for a Thai 50 year old is your best option anyway. Maybe it is better to focus on your income side first though. Best of luck.

[Lacessit]

9 minutes ago, Skiskunk said:

thank you... no will or documents signed. the marriage was her second and it was quick and cheap no monks no register only local village speaker.

I suggest you walk. Your wife has never heard of KY?

 

There are thousands of good women in Thailand who don't care how old or ugly one is, as long as the person is a good provider, and not abusive.

 

It's transactional, love comes later in many cases. You take care of me, I'll take care of you.

 

It takes time to sort the wheat from the chaff. There are also thousands of women who regard farangs as walking ATM's, to be raided as often as possible.

 

 

 

 

[retarius]

OP....a stupid fool. You were here 9 months, she was here 10 years. WTF do you thing she would do, if you could think. 

[1FinickyOne]

On 8/9/2024 at 2:54 PM, Skiskunk said:

once every year for over 10 years.

Each time is equivalent to a month.

so, 11 months a year you are not with her? That is not much of a commitment. Is there a reason that she might not want to find someone else? 

 

And you want her to put up your picture? You are lucky she remembers your name.

[Skiskunk]

11 hours ago, retarius said:

OP....a stupid fool. You were here 9 months, she was here 10 years. WTF do you thing she would do, if you could think. 

think you guys haven't read it properly and also not in my shoes to experience. We skype nearly every day so contact is always ther she understands my commitment to my daughter who I have been bringing up during my 11 months at home.

[Skiskunk]

11 hours ago, retarius said:

OP....a stupid fool. You were here 9 months, she was here 10 years. WTF do you thing she would do, if you could think. 

think you guys haven't read it properly and also not in my shoes to experience. We skype nearly every day so contact is always ther she understands my commitment to my daughter who I have been bringing up during my 11 months at home.

11 hours ago, 1FinickyOne said:

so, 11 months a year you are not with her? That is not much of a commitment. Is there a reason that she might not want to find someone else? 

 

And you want her to put up your picture? You are lucky she remembers your name.

think you guys haven't read it properly and also not in my shoes to experience. We skype nearly every day so contact is always ther she understands my commitment to my daughter who I have been bringing up during my 11 months at home.

[Skiskunk]

11 hours ago, Lacessit said:

I suggest you walk. Your wife has never heard of KY?

 

There are thousands of good women in Thailand who don't care how old or ugly one is, as long as the person is a good provider, and not abusive.

 

It's transactional, love comes later in many cases. You take care of me, I'll take care of you.

 

It takes time to sort the wheat from the chaff. There are also thousands of women who regard farangs as walking ATM's, to be raided as often as possible.

 

 

 

 

think you guys haven't read it properly and also not in my shoes to experience. We skype nearly every day so contact is always ther she understands my commitment to my daughter who I have been bringing up during my 11 months at home.

And yes we bought KY she didnt want to do it at the time of purchase.

[Skiskunk]

14 hours ago, Cameroni said:

Okay, I understand now. Her giving you the "no more sex" talk, you had to make clear that is completely unacceptable to you. But in any event her refusal to combine resources shows she is not in it in any meaninful way. 

 

The good news, since you're merely in your 50s, you can have your choice of attractive younger women. I don't think going for a Thai 50 year old is your best option anyway. Maybe it is better to focus on your income side first though. Best of luck.

thank you kindly

 

[gargamon]

Bob, (or either gg, or ...), Is that you?

[SAFETY FIRST]

Oh goodie, another Dear Abby coloum to read. 

 

Looking for relationship advice on a forum full of grumpy old men is comical. 

 

[thesetat2013]

15 hours ago, Skiskunk said:

Thank you... its more like your second quote “On the other hand, if you haven't been sending financial support, then maybe it's not a bad arrangement”

everything you said in the paragraph is more or less true. She knows Im not a typical rich Farang man and the plan was to see if could afford more visits each year eventually I would set up my t shirt business at her house and provide for us both. But since covid things have got worse.

She went with another man just before covid I have video proof. My business is not doing very well.

Just yesterday I had a discussion with her on skype and she now told me because she is over 50 years and she dry downstairs even-though I said we should what to do to make more fun for us both she now shock her head and said no sex. I said ok so what about me. She then held her hand up and jolted them up and down stating she would give me relief.

I also told her I dont see me being able to set up my business in Thailand is there any way we can combine our money together as she has many lands and wants to start hotel. She replied not possible to much money. So ther I am even more in a dilemma. p.s. She has already been married and divorced with 2 children from previous Thailand man.

She wasn't so dry to prevent her from being with another man sexually.

Your Thai marriage means nothing without going to the Tambon and registering it. Since you are only there one month a year perhaps it is time to take another adventure and find a good woman to return home with. This one did not want friends to know about wedding and does not want to change name to show anyone either that you had the ceremony. That is a pretty good sign she is using you for money and has no plan to be there as a real wife. Whereas, you can find your happiness cheaper with someone who still gets wet over you for the month you play in Thailand yearly. You may find even better than this 50 year old woman. 

My guess is she has a Thai man that she does not want you to know about as the reason for not telling her friends about your ceremony. Otherwise, she would have invited everyone in the area and everyone she knows to the wedding to show you off and to collect the money each person leaves at those. 

Sounds like you got the raw end of the deal here. Be careful she has not got access to any of your accounts. It will surely bite you in the ar-se later. Good luck