Should I Tell My Friend That His Girlfriend Is Trans?

[novacova]

On 11/8/2024 at 11:59 PM, JK-Trilly said:

Well, I went through with it. I sat down with John over coffee and told him directly what I thought. It wasn’t easy, and honestly, I could barely find the right words, but I knew I had to rip the bandage off at that point. 

 

John’s reaction was a mix of acceptance and devastation. He took in what I said about Lek potentially being trans, or as he put it, a “ladyboy,” and after a moment, he nodded. He said something like, “This is Thailand, right?” as if he’d half-expected something like this could be the case all along. But then the reality hit, and he just looked completely gutted. Knowing that having a family with Lek might now be off the table really shattered him, and that part was hard to watch. I could see he’s very much in love with her, so it’s complicated.

 

At one point late in the conversation, I told John that if he really had doubts, he could ask to see Lek’s Thai government ID card. The ID would still show Lek's real gender at birth, so that would confirm things for him. When I mentioned this, I could see it sink in for him that what I was saying wasn’t some mistake or misunderstanding on my end. I think that is when he really accepted that it was all very likely real—and that I hadn’t just misread the situation.

 

But here’s where things get even stranger. During our conversation, John started questioning if this means he’s been “gay” for being with Lek, which I think shows just how confused and shaken he is. He asked me outright if I thought it made him “less of a man” that he’d been in a relationship with someone who was born male. He kept saying things like, “Does this mean I’m into men now?” and even mentioned how it would be “humiliating” if anyone back in Australia found out.

 

And then things took an even weirder turn. Apparently, John and Lek sometimes have a third person join them—Lek’s close “girlfriend” from Bangkok. Now he’s wondering if he’s been having group sex with two men this whole time, which he admitted is making him feel sick just thinking about it. I don’t know what to tell him; I can barely wrap my head around the whole enchilada myself. It's such an unusual situation. 

 

On top of that, John admitted that he’s in the process of building a new house for them to stay together part of the time down in Lek’s hometown of Songkhla. Lek's mother will stay in the house too and help to look after it while they aren't there. He’s already put quite a bit of money into it, and now I suspect Lek is benefiting financially from the relationship in more ways than one. Part of me worries that this house investment could be a big mistake, knowing she’s not been fully honest with him and that financial gain might be a big part of her motivation.

 

And here’s where it gets really unpredictable. John wants to confront Lek directly and get the truth, but he’s already thinking of ways to “test” her before the conversation. He mentioned he might ask her about kids again to gauge her reaction, but to me, that just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen and avoids the point. He also hinted at some strange ideas he’s seen online for “proving” if someone is trans, which makes me worry he’s too emotional and losing focus on the real issues here. He just has to confront her now directly.

 

At this point, I’m really not sure where things will go. I want to support him, but I feel like he’s heading into dangerous territory in more ways than one. I wish I could help him get a grip on his own identity after all this, but to be honest, I’m starting to wonder if it’s best to step back from this friendship with John, as things may only get more chaotic from here.

 

13 hours ago, JK-Trilly said:

Got a bit of a shock today—I got a call, and the caller ID showed it was John. Naturally, I thought it was him, so I picked up, only to hear Lek’s voice on the other end. Turns out John had gone out for a run and left his phone behind, so Lek used his phone to reach me. Apparently, John confronted her after our talk, and it sounds like her cover is blown. John’s furious with her for hiding things about her past, and from what she told me, he’s talking about ending the relationship altogether. If that happens, I guess John would lose the money he already invested in building that house for them.

 

Surprisingly, Lek wasn’t angry at me for telling John the truth. Instead, she’s asking me to help her fix things with him. She’s clearly desperate to keep him, and now she wants me to convince him to give their relationship another shot. I told her I’d consider it, but to be honest, I don’t want to defend her after the way she deceived him.

 

Still, there’s a complication here. If I don’t step in, this situation might escalate. Lek now has my phone number from using John’s phone, and she knows where I live because she and John came by my place once before we went out for dinner. The last thing I want is her showing up unannounced, especially if my girlfriend’s around. That could make for a seriously awkward situation, and I’m not sure how far she’s willing to go to try to win him back.

 

What would you do if you were in my shoes? Should I get involved for the sake of keeping the peace, or is it better to stay out of it and deal with any fallout if it comes?

 

17 minutes ago, JK-Trilly said:

Got a call from John this morning. He knows that Lek reached out to me yesterday, and he just wanted to thank me for everything I’ve done to help him so far. But he also made it clear he thinks it’s best if I step back from the situation and let him handle things himself from here on out. He asked me not to speak to Lek anymore, and if she does contact me, he wants me to tell her that he doesn’t want me involved.

 

I asked him what he’s planning to do now, and he admitted he’s still undecided. He mentioned he’s considering going back to Australia for a bit to spend time with his siblings and clear his head. Apparently, he’s been smoking some weed to help him relax, which he says has helped, but he doesn’t want to get back into drinking.

 

He told me he struggled with alcohol for about five years before we met, then got himself sober, so he’s trying not to go down that road again. He also confided that this whole situation has been a hit to his confidence—not just in relationships but in his own instincts. After working so hard to stay sober and get back on track, he thought this relationship was a fresh start. Now, he feels like he’s back at square one, unsure of himself and his judgment.

 

I tried to encourage him and said it’s really not the end of the world. These things happen, and when they do, you just pick up the pieces, move on, and start over. I reminded him he’s still young at 44, and there’s still time for him to meet someone else, maybe even a nice girl here in Thailand if that’s what he wants.

 

At this point, I guess it’s out of my hands. Part of me feels relieved, but there’s also a lot of concern about how this will end up for him. For now, I’ll respect his wishes and stay out of it, but I’m hoping he finds some peace with whatever he decides.

Nice little story, practicing to write a novel are ya?

[Terrance8812]

 

Lol, all the folks here hating on the OP, convinced this story is just AI or a troll topic, are making me laugh. Sure, maybe it’s fiction, but who know or even cares, for that matter?

 

Anyone who’s spent enough time in Thailand knows you see some pretty wild sh*t go down here at times. Sometimes, truth really is stranger than fiction, especially in the hub of hubs.

 

And hey, if you think it’s nonsense, just scroll on by. No one’s forcing you to read it, and all the relentless moaning about it? Get over it, it’s not a big deal. Personally, I think this thread’s a lot more interesting than the usual Pub topics about personal frustrations, non-functioning appendages, or mundane decisions about everyday life in Thailand. If the OP’s story is true, then he’s having a Thai experience more out there than most of us. And if it’s fake, then so be it.

[RSD1]

3 hours ago, Terrance8812 said:

 

Lol, all the folks here hating on the OP, convinced this story is just AI or a troll topic, are making me laugh. Sure, maybe it’s fiction, but who know or even cares, for that matter?

 

Anyone who’s spent enough time in Thailand knows you see some pretty wild sh*t go down here at times. Sometimes, truth really is stranger than fiction, especially in the hub of hubs.

 

And hey, if you think it’s nonsense, just scroll on by. No one’s forcing you to read it, and all the relentless moaning about it? Get over it, it’s not a big deal. Personally, I think this thread’s a lot more interesting than the usual Pub topics about personal frustrations, non-functioning appendages, or mundane decisions about everyday life in Thailand. If the OP’s story is true, then he’s having a Thai experience more out there than most of us. And if it’s fake, then so be it.

I'll bet a lot of the old moaners here on AN have had their own "tranny surprise" experience here in Thailand at one time or another, maybe even more than once. That's why this whole topic bothers them all so much.

[Dan O]

On 11/7/2024 at 11:24 AM, JK-Trilly said:

Thanks for the feedback on my post. After considering everything, I’ve decided that I should tell John about Lek. I feel like real friends step up in challenging times, and I owe it to him as a friend to tell him what I know.

 

It hasn’t been an easy choice, but I believe he deserves to know before things get even deeper for him. Now that I’ve made the decision, I’m struggling with how to approach it. I’d appreciate any advice on the best way to go about this. Here are some approaches I’m considering:

 

Direct Approach: Sit down with him one-on-one and tell him directly what I suspect. I’d make it clear I’m only bringing this up because he’s talked about having children, which makes me think he’s unaware. It’s straightforward, but I worry it could come across as blunt or even feel like an ambush.

 

Indirect Approach: Instead of stating that I think Lek is trans, I could ask if he and Lek have discussed topics like family planning and her past. This could lead him to consider the possibility without me explicitly saying it. But this approach might end up being confusing or causing more misunderstanding.

 

Suggest He Talk to Lek: I could encourage John to have a deep, open conversation with Lek about their future, making sure he’s aware of everything important. This way, the truth would ideally come from her, which feels less invasive. However, it’s risky if he doesn’t pick up on the hint.

 

Casually Drop a Hint: Another approach would be to casually mention how common it is to meet trans women in Bangkok or talk about how accepting Thailand is of trans people. It might spark a conversation without me being too direct. But this could go sideways if he doesn’t connect the dots or if he feels I’m trying to plant ideas.

 

Point Out the Children Issue: I could bring up the idea of adoption or other options if he and Lek do want kids, mentioning that pregnancy might be a challenge. This might prompt him to reconsider Lek’s ability to conceive, but it feels a bit bold and could come off as too intrusive.

 

Any ideas on what approach might be best? Thanks again for the support—this is really weighing on me a lot, and I appreciate any useful feedback.

Unless you know 100% without any doubt its true its just a guess and none of your business to start with. How would you know this anyway, were you told directly.  If its true he probably already knows and again none of your business.  The whole story sounds made up and just a trolling post. 

[thaibeachlovers]

Only if you don't want to be his friend any more.

[patman30]

On 11/9/2024 at 1:08 AM, Alpha84 said:

 

You sound really frustrated. Making ignore lists of people who haven't even caused you any grief. Why even bother coming on the site then if you don't like the people or the content? Or is it just that there is nowhere else you can go to whinge about nonsense or let out your frustrations, so you come here? You are free to leave if you can't handle all the stress. You know that right?

 

They are fake engagement posts🤦‍♂️

[RSD1]

1 hour ago, patman30 said:

They are fake engagement posts🤦‍♂️

That means the admins are writing these posts. I highly doubt it. When they post something they always do so under their own admin accounts. The OP isn't an admin posting. 

[patman30]

56 minutes ago, RSD1 said:

That means the admins are writing these posts. I highly doubt it. When they post something they always do so under their own admin accounts. The OP isn't an admin posting. 

you clearly do not understand how websites work,
keep using your time to respond to imaginary fairy tales 

[RSD1]

15 minutes ago, patman30 said:

you clearly do not understand how websites work,
keep using your time to respond to imaginary fairy tales 

I clearly do. I've built dozens of them. The first one nearly 30 years ago. I've also moderated large forums like this one.
 

Back to the point though, the term that you used is very specific to refer to admin or site owners creating content to try and engage people. That's not what this is. The admin aren't creating this content. It's been created by an individual user it appears. Whether it's fiction or not who knows. So I don't know what you're referring to. This isn't an engagement post.

[Jenkins9039]

On 11/7/2024 at 8:57 AM, JK-Trilly said:

I’ve got a bit of a situation that I’m hoping to get some advice on, especially from others who’ve navigated life and friendships in Thailand.

 

About 8 months back, I met a fellow expat here in Bangkok—let’s call him “John.” We get on really well; he’s got a good sense of humor, we have a lot in common, and over time, we’ve become good friends. We started meeting up regularly for drinks, sometimes for a meal, sharing stories about our experiences in Thailand, and just talking about life in general.

 

After we’d known each other for a while, John opened up a bit about his personal life and mentioned that he’s in a serious relationship. He seemed really smitten with his girlfriend, saying he’s planning to marry her and even start a family someday. Naturally, he wanted me to meet her. I was looking forward to it, as he seemed genuinely happy, and it’s always nice to meet the people who mean the most to your friends.

 

So, we all met up for dinner. His girlfriend, whom I’ll call “Lek,” was charming, confident, and seemed like a genuinely lovely person. It was clear they were really into each other. But as the night went on, I started to realize that Lek might be a ladyboy. She had a couple of subtle mannerisms, and through our conversation, there were a few strong cues that raised my suspicions.

 

From everything I observed, it seemed likely that Lek has had gender-affirming surgery and presents now fully as a woman. But I’m quite sure that John doesn’t realize this. He talked about having children with her and seemed so confident about their plans for a family, which makes me certain he has no idea.

 

So here’s the dilemma. I’m torn—do I say something, or do I keep quiet?

 

On the one hand, it feels like it’s none of my business. Their relationship is their own, and everyone deserves the chance to handle these things in their own way. Maybe Lek plans to tell him when she’s ready. Outing someone is a serious breach of trust, and it could end our friendship if he feels like I’m meddling in his personal life. Plus, there’s always the chance I could be wrong, and I’d hate to create an issue where there isn’t one. But I'm 99% sure she was a he. 

 

On the other hand, I worry about the future he’s envisioning. John’s thinking about marriage, and he’s openly planning for kids, which makes me think he’s not aware of her situation. If that’s the case, then isn’t it better for him to know sooner rather than later? If he finds out much later on, after he’s committed to her for life, it might be a much bigger blow. He may end up resenting Lek or feeling blindsided, which could lead to a messy and painful breakup down the line.

 

But again, maybe it’s up to Lek to disclose that information, and I’d be crossing a line by interfering. I wouldn’t want to ruin what seems to be a good thing for him right now, especially if they’re genuinely happy together.

 

So, expat friends, what would you do in my position? Do you think I should tell John what I know, or should I stay out of it? I’d love to hear from anyone who has been through something similar, or just anyone who has an outside perspective.

 

Thanks in advance for any advice or insight. It’s a tough one, and I’m really struggling with deciding what’s the right thing to do.

Have your partner drop it in as a line that she was always curious of post trans ladyboys and having met his future wife.... innocent but direct.

 

You stay the <deleted> out of it.

[RJRS1301]

On 11/7/2024 at 12:57 PM, JK-Trilly said:

I’ve got a bit of a situation that I’m hoping to get some advice on, especially from others who’ve navigated life and friendships in Thailand.

 

About 8 months back, I met a fellow expat here in Bangkok—let’s call him “John.” We get on really well; he’s got a good sense of humor, we have a lot in common, and over time, we’ve become good friends. We started meeting up regularly for drinks, sometimes for a meal, sharing stories about our experiences in Thailand, and just talking about life in general.

 

After we’d known each other for a while, John opened up a bit about his personal life and mentioned that he’s in a serious relationship. He seemed really smitten with his girlfriend, saying he’s planning to marry her and even start a family someday. Naturally, he wanted me to meet her. I was looking forward to it, as he seemed genuinely happy, and it’s always nice to meet the people who mean the most to your friends.

 

So, we all met up for dinner. His girlfriend, whom I’ll call “Lek,” was charming, confident, and seemed like a genuinely lovely person. It was clear they were really into each other. But as the night went on, I started to realize that Lek might be a ladyboy. She had a couple of subtle mannerisms, and through our conversation, there were a few strong cues that raised my suspicions.

 

From everything I observed, it seemed likely that Lek has had gender-affirming surgery and presents now fully as a woman. But I’m quite sure that John doesn’t realize this. He talked about having children with her and seemed so confident about their plans for a family, which makes me certain he has no idea.

 

So here’s the dilemma. I’m torn—do I say something, or do I keep quiet?

 

On the one hand, it feels like it’s none of my business. Their relationship is their own, and everyone deserves the chance to handle these things in their own way. Maybe Lek plans to tell him when she’s ready. Outing someone is a serious breach of trust, and it could end our friendship if he feels like I’m meddling in his personal life. Plus, there’s always the chance I could be wrong, and I’d hate to create an issue where there isn’t one. But I'm 99% sure she was a he. 

 

On the other hand, I worry about the future he’s envisioning. John’s thinking about marriage, and he’s openly planning for kids, which makes me think he’s not aware of her situation. If that’s the case, then isn’t it better for him to know sooner rather than later? If he finds out much later on, after he’s committed to her for life, it might be a much bigger blow. He may end up resenting Lek or feeling blindsided, which could lead to a messy and painful breakup down the line.

 

But again, maybe it’s up to Lek to disclose that information, and I’d be crossing a line by interfering. I wouldn’t want to ruin what seems to be a good thing for him right now, especially if they’re genuinely happy together.  or should I stay out of it? I’d love to hear from anyone who has been through something similar, or just anyone who has an outside perspective.

 

Thanks in advance for any advice or insight. It’s a tough one, and I’m really struggling with deciding what’s the right thing to do.

No dilemma

Stay in your own lane

It is NOT your role to "out" anyone, under any circumstances, let alone  based on your gut feeling on "mannerisms"

 

So, expat friends, what would you do in my position? Do you think I should tell John what I know,:

YOU know NOTHING, you have suspicions about a person , nothing more

It is not your relationship to interfere in     BACK OFF

 

 

[BarraMarra]

lol your taking this Hook line and Sinker now Johns having a few spliffs to ease his pain what next ? Hey John has just been on the blower to me. Great news Lek's History he has met a charming new lady never worked the bars and has even asked me to meet her parents in her Village.

[wwest5829]

I learned a lesson in 7th grade. Oh, a far less serious repeating of something someone had said concerning my girlfriend at the time. Ended the relationship and since then, I do not offer my assistance in carrying information to others where it might very well bite me in the butt!

[0ffshore360]

Tell the girlfriend to tell the friend if convinced it is a trans.

Beware the handbag and stiletto  if correct !

[In Full Agreement]

40 minutes ago, 0ffshore360 said:

Tell the girlfriend to tell the friend if convinced it is a trans.

 

In my humble opinion calling a trans person an it   is indicative  of a poorly educated moron.       Didn't your Mama teach you any manners at all? 

[Dan O]

On 11/8/2024 at 11:59 PM, JK-Trilly said:

Well, I went through with it. I sat down with John over coffee and told him directly what I thought. It wasn’t easy, and honestly, I could barely find the right words, but I knew I had to rip the bandage off at that point. 

 

John’s reaction was a mix of acceptance and devastation. He took in what I said about Lek potentially being trans, or as he put it, a “ladyboy,” and after a moment, he nodded. He said something like, “This is Thailand, right?” as if he’d half-expected something like this could be the case all along. But then the reality hit, and he just looked completely gutted. Knowing that having a family with Lek might now be off the table really shattered him, and that part was hard to watch. I could see he’s very much in love with her, so it’s complicated.

 

At one point late in the conversation, I told John that if he really had doubts, he could ask to see Lek’s Thai government ID card. The ID would still show Lek's real gender at birth, so that would confirm things for him. When I mentioned this, I could see it sink in for him that what I was saying wasn’t some mistake or misunderstanding on my end. I think that is when he really accepted that it was all very likely real—and that I hadn’t just misread the situation.

 

But here’s where things get even stranger. During our conversation, John started questioning if this means he’s been “gay” for being with Lek, which I think shows just how confused and shaken he is. He asked me outright if I thought it made him “less of a man” that he’d been in a relationship with someone who was born male. He kept saying things like, “Does this mean I’m into men now?” and even mentioned how it would be “humiliating” if anyone back in Australia found out.

 

And then things took an even weirder turn. Apparently, John and Lek sometimes have a third person join them—Lek’s close “girlfriend” from Bangkok. Now he’s wondering if he’s been having group sex with two men this whole time, which he admitted is making him feel sick just thinking about it. I don’t know what to tell him; I can barely wrap my head around the whole enchilada myself. It's such an unusual situation. 

 

On top of that, John admitted that he’s in the process of building a new house for them to stay together part of the time down in Lek’s hometown of Songkhla. Lek's mother will stay in the house too and help to look after it while they aren't there. He’s already put quite a bit of money into it, and now I suspect Lek is benefiting financially from the relationship in more ways than one. Part of me worries that this house investment could be a big mistake, knowing she’s not been fully honest with him and that financial gain might be a big part of her motivation.

 

And here’s where it gets really unpredictable. John wants to confront Lek directly and get the truth, but he’s already thinking of ways to “test” her before the conversation. He mentioned he might ask her about kids again to gauge her reaction, but to me, that just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen and avoids the point. He also hinted at some strange ideas he’s seen online for “proving” if someone is trans, which makes me worry he’s too emotional and losing focus on the real issues here. He just has to confront her now directly.

 

At this point, I’m really not sure where things will go. I want to support him, but I feel like he’s heading into dangerous territory in more ways than one. I wish I could help him get a grip on his own identity after all this, but to be honest, I’m starting to wonder if it’s best to step back from this friendship with John, as things may only get more chaotic from here.

I call bs on this whole story. All this bs over a claim on a  hunch that you have no way of knowing and just trying to write something relevant to fit in. pathetic on your part. 

[Dan O]

On 11/10/2024 at 3:40 AM, JK-Trilly said:

Got a bit of a shock today—I got a call, and the caller ID showed it was John. Naturally, I thought it was him, so I picked up, only to hear Lek’s voice on the other end. Turns out John had gone out for a run and left his phone behind, so Lek used his phone to reach me. Apparently, John confronted her after our talk, and it sounds like her cover is blown. John’s furious with her for hiding things about her past, and from what she told me, he’s talking about ending the relationship altogether. If that happens, I guess John would lose the money he already invested in building that house for them.

 

Surprisingly, Lek wasn’t angry at me for telling John the truth. Instead, she’s asking me to help her fix things with him. She’s clearly desperate to keep him, and now she wants me to convince him to give their relationship another shot. I told her I’d consider it, but to be honest, I don’t want to defend her after the way she deceived him.

 

Still, there’s a complication here. If I don’t step in, this situation might escalate. Lek now has my phone number from using John’s phone, and she knows where I live because she and John came by my place once before we went out for dinner. The last thing I want is her showing up unannounced, especially if my girlfriend’s around. That could make for a seriously awkward situation, and I’m not sure how far she’s willing to go to try to win him back.

 

What would you do if you were in my shoes? Should I get involved for the sake of keeping the peace, or is it better to stay out of it and deal with any fallout if it comes?

I would stop making up bull$hit stories that continue to expand with a new twist each posting and look for real friends and stay of social media forums

[RSD1]

1 minute ago, Dan O said:

I would stop making up bull$hit stories that continue to expand with a new twist each posting and look for real friends and stay of social media forums

Lol, is that it? Cmon, I know you can rant some more. Don't stop now! 

[Dan O]

2 minutes ago, RSD1 said:

Lol, is that it? Cmon, I know you can rant some more. Don't stop now! 

nope no rant just my opinion on a bs story 

[RSD1]

10 minutes ago, Dan O said:

nope no rant just my opinion on a bs story 

No, that was a rant, complete with advice about what the guy posting it should do with his life. 

[Dan O]

9 minutes ago, RSD1 said:

No, that was a rant, complete with advice about what the guy posting it should do with his life. 

nice try but nope, maybe you should read up on what a rant is first, you obviously dont know . you can always scroll past if it hits to close to your home and lifestyle and causes you to be irritable. I'll put a word into your mommie so she can get you that participation award though 😁

[RSD1]

10 minutes ago, Dan O said:

nice try but nope, maybe you should read up on what a rant is first, you obviously dont know . you can always scroll past if it hits to close to your home and lifestyle and causes you to be irritable. I'll put a word into your mommie so she can get you that participation award though 😁

Are you drunk? I couldn't even really understand what you're trying to say. Maybe you should have a lie down for a while and then you'll feel better afterwards. 
 

Also, you can rant at me if that makes you feel better. I don't take any of this stuff personally. I truly don't give AF. So let it rip if that's cathartic for you.

[0ffshore360]

10 hours ago, In Full Agreement said:

 

In my humble opinion calling a trans person an it   is indicative  of a poorly educated moron.       Didn't your Mama teach you any manners at all? 

meow.

 

[MeHere]

On 11/9/2024 at 4:23 PM, Harsh Jones said:

How many of them did you get pregnant ?

 

NONE!

I got a vasectomy decades ago, thank God! 🤣

[MeHere]

On 11/7/2024 at 4:03 PM, barmatt said:

You must have been as horny as hell

Yeah! Those were the days!

[Chris Daley]

Standing next to him at the urinal wasn't a give away?

[BTB1977]

Just refer to him as he and him. Or it. Your friend will catch on.