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Posted

A lighthearted parody and satirical tribute to the legend that is bob smith, where even a simple haircut turns into a tragicomic masterpiece.

 

Right, mates, now I’ve totally had it. I hadn't had my haircut since before I set off to Spain in September, so all I wanted was a little trim, just a bit of a clean up to the unruly looking sides, sort the top out a bit. Nothing fancy innit. Simple, right? In, out, looking sharp, back on the scene, ready to start netting all the ladies again. But no. Not in this town.

 

I stroll into this fancy-looking barber shop, looked brand new. Big mirrors, head shot photos of men with great looking haircuts plastered all over the walls, comfy leather chairs, free tea and coffee service, shoulder massage if you want it, the works. Surely I've come to the right place. 

 

Tell the guy, “Just a tidy-up, mate, nothing drastic, just a bit of a trim off the sides and top.” The lad nods, smiles, acts like he clearly understands. And then, before I know it, he’s hacking away like Edward Scissorhands, except he’s got a personal vendetta against my scalp. Massive clumps of hair are flying everywhere, hair that took 5 years to nicely grow out is suddenly gone in just seconds and the mirror starts reflecting something… alarming.

 

By the time he steps back, I look like I should be headlining an ‘80s synth-pop reunion tour. A full-blown plonker's mullet. Extra short on top, skin shining through, and extended party at the back, absolute train-wreck. I stare in horror. He just beams at me with a toothy smile, like he’s created a masterpiece. Not a hint of remorse. Not a flicker of “maybe I’ve ruined this bloke’s life for the next 5 years.” He's not owning up to any of it. 

 

Then, out of nowhere, he slaps something hot into my ears. I don’t even have time to protest before, RIP! Agony. White-hot, blinding pain. Apparently, I was getting my ear hair waxed. An extra free service. Without my consent. The sheer audacity of the little geezer!

 

Finally, I stand up, defeated. I pay the bloke the 850 baht he wanted, ready to flee in shame. And as I’m about to escape, the shop owner chases after me. “No 200 Baht tip, something wrong sir, you not happy Khun bob?"

 

No. Tip. TOSSER!

 

Lads, I’ve lost all confidence. I look like an unemployed drummer from 1987. My head is a joke, my ears are on fire, and I’ve just forked out generously for the tragic privilege.

 

Tell me, how hard is it to cut a handsome guy's hair properly? How? Has this same thing ever happened to you in the hub of hair salons? My life for the coming half decade was just destroyed in a Bangkok minute. 

 

Lost all my dignity,

bob.

  • Sad 1
  • Haha 2
Posted
1 hour ago, SoCal1990 said:

A lighthearted parody and satirical tribute to the legend that is bob smith, where even a simple haircut turns into a tragicomic masterpiece.

 

Right, mates, now I’ve totally had it. I hadn't had my haircut since before I set off to Spain in September, so all I wanted was a little trim, just a bit of a clean up to the unruly looking sides, sort the top out a bit. Nothing fancy innit. Simple, right? In, out, looking sharp, back on the scene, ready to start netting all the ladies again. But no. Not in this town.

 

I stroll into this fancy-looking barber shop, looked brand new. Big mirrors, head shot photos of men with great looking haircuts plastered all over the walls, comfy leather chairs, free tea and coffee service, shoulder massage if you want it, the works. Surely I've come to the right place. 

 

Tell the guy, “Just a tidy-up, mate, nothing drastic, just a bit of a trim off the sides and top.” The lad nods, smiles, acts like he clearly understands. And then, before I know it, he’s hacking away like Edward Scissorhands, except he’s got a personal vendetta against my scalp. Massive clumps of hair are flying everywhere, hair that took 5 years to nicely grow out is suddenly gone in just seconds and the mirror starts reflecting something… alarming.

 

By the time he steps back, I look like I should be headlining an ‘80s synth-pop reunion tour. A full-blown plonker's mullet. Extra short on top, skin shining through, and extended party at the back, absolute train-wreck. I stare in horror. He just beams at me with a toothy smile, like he’s created a masterpiece. Not a hint of remorse. Not a flicker of “maybe I’ve ruined this bloke’s life for the next 5 years.” He's not owning up to any of it. 

 

Then, out of nowhere, he slaps something hot into my ears. I don’t even have time to protest before, RIP! Agony. White-hot, blinding pain. Apparently, I was getting my ear hair waxed. An extra free service. Without my consent. The sheer audacity of the little geezer!

 

Finally, I stand up, defeated. I pay the bloke the 850 baht he wanted, ready to flee in shame. And as I’m about to escape, the shop owner chases after me. “No 200 Baht tip, something wrong sir, you not happy Khun bob?"

 

No. Tip. TOSSER!

 

Lads, I’ve lost all confidence. I look like an unemployed drummer from 1987. My head is a joke, my ears are on fire, and I’ve just forked out generously for the tragic privilege.

 

Tell me, how hard is it to cut a handsome guy's hair properly? How? Has this same thing ever happened to you in the hub of hair salons? My life for the coming half decade was just destroyed in a Bangkok minute. 

 

Lost all my dignity,

bob.

 

 

Bob you are going to the wrong place 

 

I have a cutie does my hair trims my moustache and gives me a massage for 200 LOL

 

Scary thing is she is on Soi 4 NANA

Posted

IMO the OP should retreat to a cave, far away from any suggestion of civilisation. Obviously, modern living is becoming far too stressful for him.

 

I have known several people like him, they are what is termed accident-prone. The simplest function can turn to complete catastrophe.

 

It's like people who manage to slash their wrists while shelling hard-boiled eggs, break a tooth on a sponge cake, or step into a puddle, only to discover it conceals an uncovered manhole.

 

There is no help for them, they are cursed by some uncaring god. All we can offer is our sympathy, while wondering how nature made them so gormless.

Posted

A pale imitation of the original master (my favorite Bob period was when his posts were all in rap prose).

Posted
1 hour ago, SoCal1990 said:

A lighthearted parody and satirical tribute to the legend that is bob smith, where even a simple haircut turns into a tragicomic masterpiece.

 

Right, mates, now I’ve totally had it. I hadn't had my haircut since before I set off to Spain in September, so all I wanted was a little trim, just a bit of a clean up to the unruly looking sides, sort the top out a bit. Nothing fancy innit. Simple, right? In, out, looking sharp, back on the scene, ready to start netting all the ladies again. But no. Not in this town.

 

I stroll into this fancy-looking barber shop, looked brand new. Big mirrors, head shot photos of men with great looking haircuts plastered all over the walls, comfy leather chairs, free tea and coffee service, shoulder massage if you want it, the works. Surely I've come to the right place. 

 

Tell the guy, “Just a tidy-up, mate, nothing drastic, just a bit of a trim off the sides and top.” The lad nods, smiles, acts like he clearly understands. And then, before I know it, he’s hacking away like Edward Scissorhands, except he’s got a personal vendetta against my scalp. Massive clumps of hair are flying everywhere, hair that took 5 years to nicely grow out is suddenly gone in just seconds and the mirror starts reflecting something… alarming.

 

By the time he steps back, I look like I should be headlining an ‘80s synth-pop reunion tour. A full-blown plonker's mullet. Extra short on top, skin shining through, and extended party at the back, absolute train-wreck. I stare in horror. He just beams at me with a toothy smile, like he’s created a masterpiece. Not a hint of remorse. Not a flicker of “maybe I’ve ruined this bloke’s life for the next 5 years.” He's not owning up to any of it. 

 

Then, out of nowhere, he slaps something hot into my ears. I don’t even have time to protest before, RIP! Agony. White-hot, blinding pain. Apparently, I was getting my ear hair waxed. An extra free service. Without my consent. The sheer audacity of the little geezer!

 

Finally, I stand up, defeated. I pay the bloke the 850 baht he wanted, ready to flee in shame. And as I’m about to escape, the shop owner chases after me. “No 200 Baht tip, something wrong sir, you not happy Khun bob?"

 

No. Tip. TOSSER!

 

Lads, I’ve lost all confidence. I look like an unemployed drummer from 1987. My head is a joke, my ears are on fire, and I’ve just forked out generously for the tragic privilege.

 

Tell me, how hard is it to cut a handsome guy's hair properly? How? Has this same thing ever happened to you in the hub of hair salons? My life for the coming half decade was just destroyed in a Bangkok minute. 

 

Lost all my dignity,

bob.

He must have seen you in your ultra expensive gym suit and your fake rolex and given you a haircut to match the life you lead. Excellent outcome I think. And look you've now had another experience to post on-line how tragic your life is.

Posted
2 hours ago, Lacessit said:

IMO the OP should retreat to a cave, far away from any suggestion of civilisation. Obviously, modern living is becoming far too stressful for him.

 

I have known several people like him, they are what is termed accident-prone. The simplest function can turn to complete catastrophe.

 

It's like people who manage to slash their wrists while shelling hard-boiled eggs, break a tooth on a sponge cake, or step into a puddle, only to discover it conceals an uncovered manhole.

 

There is no help for them, they are cursed by some uncaring god. All we can offer is our sympathy, while wondering how nature made them so gormless.

Egg shells slash wrists? Stop making stuff up.

Posted

This thread is nothing without photos!! :whistling:

 

  • Haha 1

"I don't want to know why you can't. I want to know how you can!"

Posted

In Thailand, I always ask for a #4 cut all over.  #4 is about 1cm long, neat all round.

 

However..... I forgot that in Myanmar, they work on the imperial measurement system, you know - inches, yards, furlongs, ounces and so on.

 

Fact - only 3 countries still use the imperial measurement system: USA, Myanmar and - for some reason - Liberia in west Africa.

 

So a few weeks ago, I stride into a barber shop in Mandalay, bade the young chap a cheery 'Mingalaba' and said in English "Haircut? Number 4 yes?".

 

"Yes hokay, number 4" he replies, and prepares his tools.

 

I sit in the chair, he gets out his electric clippers and cuts a wide stripe off my already-thin hair, leaving perhaps 1mm of hair stubble, similar to a monk!!  Of course, there was no point in stopping him now, because my 3cm wide strip of no hair would look rather silly, (like the kid above in Crossy's post)!

 

So I ended up running from the barber shop to my hotel, scared that the 'monk' police might conscript me into the local temple...

 

I then remembered from yonks ago while living in Myanmar that a #4 cut in the country is much, much shorter than a #4 haircut in Thailand.

 

Bloody imperial measurements!!

  • Haha 1
Posted

The same thing happened to me in Jomtien. The woman barber started cutting away without even asking me how I wanted it cut. It ended up being not quite a mullet, more a kind of flat top, the shortest haircut I've had in years. To be honest, I liked it though. And it only cost 200 baht.

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