Tommy Cooper Jokes

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Tommy Cooper jokes

Old classics.

It helps to imagine Tommy Cooper speaking these:

1 . Two blondes walk into a building ... you'd think at least one of them

would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '... If you want to buy marijuana,

press the hash key ...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.

The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find

any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he

couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too

high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,

'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you

can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week ... and pulled a muscle ...

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft,

it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat

it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with

hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc

says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' 'That sounds

like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there

anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at

him.' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his

teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy.'

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my

backside.''How's that?' 'Don't you start.'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff ... boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me

a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people

in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad, or my

older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I

think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other

one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and

the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They

left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was

nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several

places.' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore.'

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small

two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue

workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as

digging continues into the night

[Neeranam]

[Chris Lawrence]

[Boater]

All time classics

[Chaimai]

Excellent

My contribution (sorry for any duplication):-

> I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.

> She said "Tenpin?"

> I said, "No, it's permanent."

> -------------------

>

> I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"

> The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"

> I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

> -------------------

>

> I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby.

> They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

> -------------------

>

> I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on

it.

> I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

> ------------------

>

> Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went

> T'PAU!

> I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?"

> He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

> ------------------

>

> I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.

> 'Best Before End'

> ------------------

>

> I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue?"

> I said "No, just a watch."

> ------------------

>

> I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle?"

> The bloke said "Kenwood." I said, "Where is he, then?"

> ------------------

>

> My mate is in love with two schoolbags.

> He's bisatchel.

> ------------------

>

> I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."

> He said, "You've got cholera."

> ------------------

>

> I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his

name,

> It's P something T something R.

> ------------------

>

> I was reading this book today, 'The History Of Glue'.

> I couldn't put it down.

> -----------------

>

> I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just

> went on, and on, and on...

> -----------------

>

> The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary

work?"

> I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

> ----------------

>

> I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.

> I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."

> He said, "I know, this is for the custard."

> ----------------

>

> This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a long, thin piece of

paper.

> He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

> ----------------

>

> I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.

> She said, "Are you having me on?"

> I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I can't promise anything."

> ----------------

>

> I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip

> outside my house?"

> He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

> ----------------

>

> This cowboy walks into a German car showroom and says "Audi!"

> -----------------

>

> I fancied a game of darts with my mate.

> He said, "Nearest the bull goes first."

> He went "Baah" and I went "Moo."

> He said "You're closest."

> ----------------

>

> I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd

been

> promoted.

> I was so shocked I swerved the car.

> He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved

> again.

> He then made me managing director and I went right off the road and into

a

> tree.

> The police came and asked me what had happened.

> I said "I careered off the road."

> ----------------

>

> I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.

> It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

> -----------------

>

> I was stealing things in the supermarket the other day, while balanced on

> the shoulders of a couple of vampires.

> I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

> -----------------

>

> I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar."

> I said "Well, I've been on telly, but I'm no Dean Martin."

> -----------------

>

> I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the

> splits.

> He said, "How flexible are you?"

> I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

> ------------------

>

> I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The elephant

> Man?"

> He said, "He's not your type."

> I said "Well, can I borrow Batman Forever?"

> He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow."

[CelticBhoy]

Here's my favourite 'Tommy Cooper' one. My grampa loved it . . . . . . .

I was walking down the street the other day and I spotted this bloke standing on the corner.

He was standing still, but the back of his anorak was jumping up and down and people were throwing money into his cup.

I stopped and asked him if everything was okay.

He said, "Yes, I'm fine."

I said, "Why are so many people throwing you money?"

He said, "It's my liveliehood."