Have You Become A Recluse/hermit

[thaibeachlovers]

I'd have to say yes to your definition, especially since moving to the village.

I have nothing in common with the locals, and only stay here to be with my wife. I'm happy just to stay at home, do stuff there and go on the forums for some communication with English speaking people.

Back in the west, I too had a circle of friends, not many, but ones I thought I could trust. However, over the years away from "home" most have drifted away, and now there are only a handful that I visit when I go back on a visit.. Some that I knew for over 20 years even turned into back stabbing b'stards.

I did enjoy Pattaya, but not for friends, just having the ability to see English language tv and buy DVDs from Tukom, plus of course Walking St- just looking of course.

[kerryk]

Outside of an occasional lady boy I never cared much for men. Never got into the “mates” thing.

The only men I ever met were as a result of my friendships with women. My first girlfriend in Thailand owned a bar (brothel) on the corner of a Thai Army base (no Farang). I was going through my 40 baht to the dollar last of the good time Charlie's phase and was buying a lot of cheap whiskey for the Thai military.

I had a lot of whiskey driven friends and learned a lot about the pecking order in Thailand. It was a party every night and I saw Thailand through the windows or armored vehicles as we traveled about.

Never had any problems doing anything however crazy as the military does trump the cops most places here. After that frenzy of male bonding for a couple of years I changed GF's and the next one was quieter being burned out by the Bangkok Disco scene.

I never had many Farang friends here. I tired of watching the same mistakes being made over and over. I fixed a friend up with a date (incredibility dumb on my part). I checked up on another friends GF while he was offshore (incredibly dumb on my part). I got a friend a job (incredibly dumb on my part). I confided in a friend about my mia noi (incredibly dumb on my part).

Now during the daytime I am a silent person. At night when the Thai lady comes home from work I talk and socialize when she has an office function. The rest of the time I am a hermit.

[blunotes]

One of the shortest paths to true friendship is to seek to give it. Too often people seek to receive it.

Perhaps the question is not how many friends you would have, but to how many you are a friend.

That is so true. I want so badly to reply to this thread but it's very difficult. This says it all.

I was taught that if I put myself inside the other person that is looking at you, what do I see?

People are the same everywhere.

[thaibeachlovers]

One of the shortest paths to true friendship is to seek to give it. Too often people seek to receive it.

Perhaps the question is not how many friends you would have, but to how many you are a friend.

I disagree. All my life I have sought to make friends, I have given much of my time, money and skills to those that needed them, only to be rewarded with backstabbing and deceit.

I have come to the conclusion that friendship is more a matter of luck. There are probably many thousands of persons out there that would make excellent friends, but, like finding the perfect wife, you have both got to be in the same place at the same time, and have something happen to ignite the "spark".

Looking back, I always knew that the users were only after my "friendship" for what they could get ( it's the vibe ), but I was so desperate for friends at that time that I chose to ignore what my instincts told me.Now, many years later, I have only about 5 good friends left, and count myself lucky to have so many. Even of them, sometimes they do things that might make me reject them were they not friends for so long.

I think most of us genuinely NEED friends. Being friendless ( and a wife is not necessarily a friend ) makes one bitter and cynical. I have been lucky in my life, in that when I really needed one, I usually had at least one friend to associate with, even if later we drifted apart, or encountered some difficulty that caused us to to become un friends. ( I had one good friend for years that chose to reject me because I asked her to look after a sleeping bag for me! Still don't understand that one ).

Women friends are more problematic, as they often confuse a desire for friendship with a wish for sex. However, I still have a couple of very good platonic friendships with females.

I don't think one can "buy" genuine friendship at any price. I used to fix cars for work colleagues, and get angry when they ignored me thereafter, and in the end, I just didn't do anything for anyone, unless it was as a business deal, even for friends.

Now that I'm old, and don't see my friends back home much, when I'm there, I'll help them with a project or two, but for my own gratification, not as a bribe for friendship. I've always likes a project for the sense of satisfaction it gives me to see it completed, but I no longer expect any gratitude. One very old friend ( 30 years ) "allowed" me to dig a drainage system on his land, help him to build a woodshed and give him advice on a number of things, only to shout at me over some inconsequential thing I said to him, and made me buy my own dinner on the way home. Had we not been such old friends I think I'd have told him to stick his drain where the sun don't shine.

I don't really understand why some people are friends through thick and thin, while others are just users. I guess it's like looking at 2 very similar girls- one will have the "spark" that makes you want to know her, while the other is just "nowhere".

[F1fanatic]

Back in the UK I always considered myself a 'loner' as I enjoyed my own company and had no inclination to socialise with people I didn't REALLY like. Obviously I would be sociable at work, whilst turning down invitations to 'socialise' outside work with those I knew would never be a close friend.

However, I always had a 2-3 v good friends - we would do anything for each other.

Moving to Thailand, I expected to get to know a few local acquaintances and find a couple of friends. I haven't 'got to know' the locals other than smiling and a little conversation, but I have been lucky enough to find a couple of good friends amongst the expat community. As other posters have pointed out, most expats are worth avoiding for various reasons.

It suprised me though how much I missed (and still miss) my friends from the UK . Even though we email constantly, its not the same. Up until then I thought that enjoying my own company, I didn't need anyone else..... I was wrong.

But, I am definitely less sociable here, as there are less people worth getting to know and, I'm even less tolerant as I get older !

[StreetCowboy]

...

But, I am definitely less sociable here, as there are less people worth getting to know and, I'm even less tolerant as I get older !

A lot of people here get round that by getting younger.

There's not many places round the world you'll see as many grey-haired adolescents surviving off their pensions

SC

[kerryk]

...

But, I am definitely less sociable here, as there are less people worth getting to know and, I'm even less tolerant as I get older !

A lot of people here get round that by getting younger.

There's not many places round the world you'll see as many grey-haired adolescents surviving off their pensions

SC

Having lived in a retirement area in the West for a number of years I have been able to compare the two. There are similarities and differences and pluses and minuses. Hospitals are one area to compare the two. One can see a lot of lone old men in Western hospitals in the West this seldom happens in Thailand. In the hinterlands where I live old Farang are normally accompanied by 15 or 20 Thai people ranging in age from infants to ancients all giving advice and consolation and of course eating.

Old people tend to have a non productive hobby in the West like collecting shells on the beach. In Thailand collecting young woman seem to have replaced the seashells. This innocuous hobby may have something to do with adolescent behavior and I have noticed in my dotage I have developed a fondness for loud disco music and hip hop dancing.

This leads to a solitary existence with family and old friends from the old country. If my ex wives had only a vague idea of my normal day they would pool their money to hire a hit man, my children would disown me and my friends would think I had gone legally insane or become a compulsive liar so I keep my activities to myself. My face book has lots of fishing stories on it and photos of temples and Thai street food.

[StreetCowboy]

...

But, I am definitely less sociable here, as there are less people worth getting to know and, I'm even less tolerant as I get older !

A lot of people here get round that by getting younger.

There's not many places round the world you'll see as many grey-haired adolescents surviving off their pensions

SC

Having lived in a retirement area in the West for a number of years I have been able to compare the two. There are similarities and differences and pluses and minuses. Hospitals are one area to compare the two. One can see a lot of lone old men in Western hospitals in the West this seldom happens in Thailand. In the hinterlands where I live old Farang are normally accompanied by 15 or 20 Thai people ranging in age from infants to ancients all giving advice and consolation and of course eating.

Old people tend to have a non productive hobby in the West like collecting shells on the beach. In Thailand collecting young woman seem to have replaced the seashells. This innocuous hobby may have something to do with adolescent behavior and I have noticed in my dotage I have developed a fondness for loud disco music and hip hop dancing.

This leads to a solitary existence with family and old friends from the old country. If my ex wives had only a vague idea of my normal day they would pool their money to hire a hit man, my children would disown me and my friends would think I had gone legally insane or become a compulsive liar so I keep my activities to myself. My face book has lots of fishing stories on it and photos of temples and Thai street food.

Maybe I should put fishing stories on my facebook page as well; I could copy them from Ian's page.

SC

[OlafStapleton]

This leads to a solitary existence with family and old friends from the old country. If my ex wives had only a vague idea of my normal day they would pool their money to hire a hit man, my children would disown me and my friends would think I had gone legally insane or become a compulsive liar so I keep my activities to myself. My face book has lots of fishing stories on it and photos of temples and Thai street food.

Same same as everyone else here then!

Someone say "revenge is a life well lived"

I say "revenge is a much younger and prettier wife"

Edited July 29, 2011 by OlafStapleton

[David006]

maybe not really topical ......

...it may be just me but it seems that many expats of all nationalities seem to think that I am someone to pour their hearts out to..yes I mostly listen politely to their wingeing and readers digest life stories with the odd non committal comment... even if they are obviously worse for wear..

... it would seem they don't have any friends.. ...of course that may be that very character trait that makes people keep their distance?

Me..well I am like many ex rat-racers...still getting to like my own company most.. and of course the love of my life ( I am actually referring to my wife ...not a boat..lol)

...have noticed I am beginning to have some very stimulating philosophical discussions with myself nowadays though...dementia or contentment..who cares...

[leo12345]

I feel that due to our infamous reputation we put up a shield as to who we accept as a friend.

However the things i like to do and the people that share my interests are scarce.

If it wasn't for my wife and kids i would have been gone

[richard_smith237]

I find that there are good friends around when I need one, I always like to think I am a good friend when needed....

It's easier to trust someone with £100 than it is 10p... the 10p has less importance..

And friendship can be quite similar... IF something big happens there are always good friends around. However, its the everyday stuff that often defines a friendship.

I get a little irritated when friends don't keep their word over something minor - i.e. meet for dinner, then cancel over something minor (no one to feed the dogs etc)...

I have learnt that most excuses are an attempt at politely saying... "I can't be bothered" or "its not important enough to me"- this happens in the UK due to cost of transport, it happens in Bangkok due to the amount of time traveling around at certain times of the day may take.

Most commonly differences occur as people apply differing levels of importance to certain activities... People change, some become incredibly lazy, for some work commitments change.

As people get older they become more selfish - They have given up trying to be the one who makes the effort... making anything work takes a little effort.

[StreetCowboy]

Same as twenty years ago - most of my friends are through work.

Unlike twenty years ago, they don't all live in Warrington.

I just spent an evening with a friend from HK whom I last saw in Australia, gossiping about old times in Taiwan, friends in the Middle East, and the next job wherever that might be.

My two closest friends form infant school are married to a Russian and a French, and have passed through Poland, Cambodia, South Africa... you'd be struggling to maintain a sensible relationship when your friends and family are so far away, without the wonders of modern communication. People talk about the 'global village' but really, it s a global city - a world full of strangers, whereas our grandparents lived in a world full of neighbours. My dear old grandmother knew my father's grandmother from school, and he's a johnny foreigner (my father; his grandmother was as ladylike as the next girl)

SC

[OlafStapleton]

Thai lady wife does like to remove a man from his friends and lock him home alone.

Thinks

Cross out Thai!

[KED]

First, many thanks for everyone's comments. No one has been critical or snarky - which is rare on this platform.

I have been living in Thailand for 5 years now and one of the biggest surprises about unrealized expectation is the few thai and even farang friends I have here.

The lack of Thai friends is definitely my poor Thai and their poor English along with a big disparity in income.

I'm not sure why I haven't struck up more farang friendships. There are so many common experiences about living in a foreign land. Maybe it is just easier to keep my old friends via the internet. I do attend some of the FCCT (foreign correspondents' club of Thailand) meetings here in Bangkok because they are informative, and I have met some interesting people..but more acquaintances than friends.

I always imagined that with unlimited free time that I would do more volunteer work, but I have found it difficult to find many opportunities to offer my time.

Edited July 30, 2011 by KED

[somtampet]

Been here nearly 8 years and have many many friends including uk friends who come regularly to see me.I am in Pattaya though not Bangkok

[bkkjames]

You have a hobby OP? They say like minded people think alike.

Enough of the philosophy and back the hermit the frog.

I don't hang out much anymore cause my son is priorty, and the fact that he shows much more upside than most people I have met here.

Quiting drinking has also helped me to steer clear of the, as basil would say, rif_fraff. You know the type, when you've had a few seem perfectly normal but when you had a few more - you want to punch.

Just kidding, I am sure you are all lovely folk. Lol

[rubin]

Like one well-known man said: "May God defend me from my friends as I can defend myself from my enemies'' Probably it's not that bad at all the OP does not make lots of friends. BTW, what about drinking pals? Are they considered as ''friends'' in the true meaning of this word?

[peppersasen]

I always imagined that with unlimited free time that I would do more volunteer work, but I have found it difficult to find many opportunities to offer my time.

What kind of volunteer work would you be doing?

[DEVATSAR]

Only trust example

I have three "true friends" two bitches and one dog

Quick story....... Puts this into real persecutive......

You are walking with your wife and dog, you get to your car and open up the boot/trunk. You pick up your wife and place her in the boot, yOu then pick up your dog and put him/her into the boot of the car you then lock the boot......... you come back 8 hours later, you open the boot, I know who's gonna kiss first !!!.........

IT AIN'T GONNA THE WIFE LOL

Just a thought

Paul

[stiggy]

Personally I feel that as I get older, I have less tolerance for people who insist on forcing opinion and/or life story on me when you have just met them.

Friends move on or die and I guess that once large circle starts to shrink.

[zzaa09]

In some circles, misanthropy can be a plus in one's character.

Nothing special about our life form.

Relationships should be kept to a minimum. Less complications.

Edited August 28, 2011 by zzaa09

[MrHammer]

In order to have good friends in Thailand, it's critical to stay away from tourist and monger hotspots unless you want to develop and instinctual scowl and dislike of human beings.

On the other hand, associate with like minded, content (if not happy) people of (somewhat) balanced temper and you will find life much more interesting and many more friends. School, university, clubs, etc. There are plenty if you look. Just stay away from Kao San and Nana, they will make you hate everything and yourself

[frankylove]

good topic a few of my friends say they have found it hard..

for me it started slow i came here the day after my birthday on a 1 way ticket just for a adventure start was slow but i made friends not like best friends but people to hang out with.. but now a year later ive got loads of mates mostly thai guys but also lots of farang.. i noticed that trying to learn thai helped alot so was interested in meeting friends to practice with.. i think its more of a get up and go thing like dont be shy to leave the house.. skateboarding helps its a great way to meet people as you all share the same interests and football is another.. might be a age thing though i think if you were old then yes will be harder as most people have settled down with GF'S etc.. another great way to meet people is hang around the university's i wasnt a student but went on my own to look before you know it i was joining in on badminton and ping pong matches made loads of friends... started going back all the time soon met some really nice people.. just make sure you get the phone numbers and can hang out again..

try meeting people other places then the pub otherwise the only thing you will do with these mates is go out drinking.. but its nice to have some mates you can do other things with like sports or traveling around.. i think being single makes it easier as well as your on your own when with a partner you will spend all the time with them and not have any new chances of making new friends??

[GarryP]

Over the nearly 30 years I have been here, most friends ended up going back home or became unhinged. Between full time work and family, I haven't had much time for friends anyway. One poster mentioned that if the wife didn't click with a prospoctive friend or friend's wife then it was a no-go situation. However, I have not had this problem, my wife's friends are her friends and the few I have are mine.

It could be lonely when I retire though.

[Murgatroyd]

Interesting thread...

I've been here nearly four years now, when I moved over here it was to get married and enjoy being a husband and father again, nothing has changes there. I don't monger, and have never been unfaithful to my wife, but I do enjoy going out for a social drink from time to time, (Whilst I usually keep a few beers in the fridge at home, I seldom drink one alone at home from one week to the next).

We live at the far end of a gated village in a small town about three quarters of an hours travelling time from Bangkok. I know one other English chap in the village, but he's always working and has little time to socialise. I must admit that I do get very bored sometimes. I tend to find an excuse to go into Bangkok every two or three weeks to have a drink and meet other English speaking people. I have a few casual friends whom I bump into from time to time in one bar or another, and I enjoy meeting new people even if most of them turn out to be holidaymakers or otherwise passing through. I also have a number of friends who live in and around Pattaya, but I don't get down there very often as I find it very expensive.

I've made a number of good friends on the internet, some connected with hobbies, and some of my old friends from the UK with whom I keep in touch with via facebook.

I'm a member of a gaming group based in Bangkok and have made several good friends there.

One of the problems with popping into Bangkok for a drink or two is one that other ex-pats must have come across before... I love my wife very much, and as I've said would never be unfaithful to her. However she knows full well that there are thousands of other Thai women, both bar girls or just lonely women who would like to meet a farang either for commercial reasons or to form a supportive relationship with. Now I'm no oil painting, nor am I rich by the standards of most people from back home. However this doesn't deter local ladies looking for what might reasonably be termed a commercial relationship, be it a single encounter or a longer scene. The knowledge that even as a fat, spavined old git I am considered fair game by so many of the locals worries my wife, and makes her rather insecure. She's had some health problems this year culminating in a mastectomy and worries that I might go astray. I try and convince her that this isn't going to happen, but it doesn't really seem to help.

I've tried staying home and not going out, but I go stir crazy after the third week or so. When I lived in London I had loads of mates, and a good social life, and enjoyed going out most weekends, and popping down the local pub a couple of times each week. I've always lived in a town or city and am used to an urban lifestyle. Again, I've tried to explain this to my wife but she feels slighted because she thinks our home life isn't enough for me. We have a child, (or at least, my wife has a daughter by a previous relationship whom I love to bits and regard as my daughter) and the child is very clingy... which means that I can't invite my wife to come out with me for an evening without our daughter coming along.

I wonder if other ex pats have come across this situation before? I fully understand the way that a Thai woman might fear that her man might be tempted away by another eagerly available woman, and to be honest, beyond reassuring my wife that I love her and won't cheat I'm at something of a loss as to how to deal with the situation.

I'm normally a very sociable sort of person, and I do find the village very isolating and I really don't want to become a hermit.

Edited August 29, 2011 by Murgatroyd

[Tokay]

I just play with myself.

On a serious note, I have a few good friends here but I too tire of putting in the effort to meet new people, only to have them leave shortly after. The handful of people I've surrounded myself with her are good enough for me. No complaints.

[Ulysses G.]

Interesting thread...

I've been here nearly four years now, when I moved over here it was to get married and enjoy being a husband and father again, nothing has changes there. I don't monger, and have never been unfaithful to my wife

Heavens to Murgatroyd! How can you resist?

[zzaa09]

In order to have good friends in Thailand, it's critical to stay away from tourist and monger hotspots unless you want to develop and instinctual scowl and dislike of human beings.

...one could add the proverbial Farang resident ghettos and like circles to this short list.

[andrewbkk]

When I lived in London I had loads of mates, and a good social life, and enjoyed going out most weekends, and popping down the local pub a couple of times each week. I've always lived in a town or city and am used to an urban lifestyle. Again, I've tried to explain this to my wife but she feels slighted because she thinks our home life isn't enough for me. We have a child, (or at least, my wife has a daughter by a previous relationship whom I love to bits and regard as my daughter) and the child is very clingy... which means that I can't invite my wife to come out with me for an evening without our daughter coming along.

I wonder if other ex pats have come across this situation before? I fully understand the way that a Thai woman might fear that her man might be tempted away by another eagerly available woman, and to be honest, beyond reassuring my wife that I love her and won't cheat I'm at something of a loss as to how to deal with the situation.

I'm normally a very sociable sort of person, and I do find the village very isolating and I really don't want to become a hermit.

If you have the chance to go back to London, go back.

Things will get worse before they get better, but the real truth is that they will never get better.

You are already on the downward spiral.