Expat Marriage Problems

[appleman]

I have a question about Expat couples who come to Thailand together. I was at a gathering yesterday where a number of Expat women were talking about how their marriages had disintegrated once they came to Thailand. The two most common reasons given were that their husbands had left them for a younger Thai woman and the other reason was that the man just wasn't comfortable living here, sometimes without full employment while the wife had a job, and he just took off for home leaving the Expat wife here.

Has anyone out there experienced this phenomenon? And if so, do you think this is a widespread problem here that people, especially married Expat couples, should know about?

[nidge]

I came to Thailand with a farang wife and my marriage disintegrated but not for the reasons you mentioned. My ex became paranoid and assumed i was sleeping with every single Thai girl that smiled at me, (where i lived in the UK the chances of a girl smiling at a guy is very rare). The fact that she was much older than me did not help because many Thais thought she was my mother! Instead of accepting that a girls smile does not necessarily mean anything she turned to vodka. After a couple of years of drunk paranoia i decided enough was enough. Now she is back in the UK and seems to hate everything Thai as if Thailand was the problem and not her.

[retiredusn]

Been living here for 5 going on 6 years with my little farang wife and have had no problems, she loves it and do I.

[BigSnake]

a common problem, seen it many many time during my 15 years tenture in LOS

[billd766]

I suspect that I almost qualify under the first reason though my marriage wasn't the strongest in the world anyway. My company sent me to a lot of countries on expat work including Thailand but my wife only came on holidays to a couple of places.

The fact that it broke up was in no way her fault and if I was honest it would have broken up anyway so the fact that I was in Thailand was co-incidental.

Having said that I did marry my Thai girlfriend and we now have a 3 1/2 year old son. The marriage broke up in 1997, the divorce was finalised in 1999 and I remarried in 2000.

In my company there was around 30% marriage failures and at least 2 guys I know died while expats or not long after returning to the UK out of some 40 guys starting expat work in 1991 to 2000.

[notmyrealname]

I guess I'm still new since we've only been in Thailand since Nov 2006 but our relationship does not seem affected as the boyfriend is not interested in Thai girls and I'm not the jealous type anyway. In fact we are now expecting our first child and are very excited! We both have things (work) to keep us occupied as well so neither of us is just sitting around bored - I think that helps.

[jdinasia]

Check in with expat websites all over and you will find that couples have similar stories to tell. Living far from home and support systems in a country with a different language is stressful to relationships. It isn't just a Thailand thing.

[Thai at Heart]

I have a question about Expat couples who come to Thailand together. I was at a gathering yesterday where a number of Expat women were talking about how their marriages had disintegrated once they came to Thailand. The two most common reasons given were that their husbands had left them for a younger Thai woman and the other reason was that the man just wasn't comfortable living here, sometimes without full employment while the wife had a job, and he just took off for home leaving the Expat wife here.

Has anyone out there experienced this phenomenon? And if so, do you think this is a widespread problem here that people, especially married Expat couples, should know about?

Statistics I have heard from a knowledgeable source are quite frightening actually. Not a great place to come in terms of encouraging a long term marriage.

[torrenova]

If you look at the fact that most Thai / Western relationships have a difference in the age of the woman and the age of the man you may see why I don't think many same age relationships can work here if there is already something wrong. Not many guys choose the old model if there is one just as good with less miles on the clock.

[lioness]

torrenova

And probably ladies wouldn't choose the old model either. Trade in the balding head the flabby chest, the beer gut and inflated ego and get yourself a sleeker version also with less miles on the clock.

[PattayaParent]

I wish I could get my wife to go out to work while I sat around unemployed.

[RAZZELL]

torrenova

And probably ladies wouldn't choose the old model either. Trade in the balding head the flabby chest, the beer gut and inflated ego and get yourself a sleeker version also with less miles on the clock.

That ain't gonna happen unless you win the lottery

RAZZ

[torrenova]

torrenova

And probably ladies wouldn't choose the old model either. Trade in the balding head the flabby chest, the beer gut and inflated ego and get yourself a sleeker version also with less miles on the clock.

Agreed in principle but are the economics there ? Most likely not. A young woman will take on a less than perfect older man as he represents a better prospect than a Thai man her own age. He doesn't even have to be wealthy. Her perceived role is as a mother to her children and she will have already seen far too many instances of the Thai guys just disappearing or not having any money or taking girlfriends etc. and the propensity that an elder western man will be anywhere near as bad is far less.

Reverse the argument that an older western woman hooks up with a Thai guy and if fishing in the same pond as the above example, the guy is looking for a meal ticket that will allow him the freedom to not work and screw around as he sees fit. Statistically, women are not in that financial position too often. Also statistically, men do not usually want an older woman.

[lioness]

torrenove says statistically men do not usually want an older woman. This is Farang thinking. Thais have no problem with this.

If a relationship is based on age then it is a sad world indeed. not all Thai men are looking for a meal ticket and not all Thai girls are either.

[samran]

I wish I could get my wife to go out to work while I sat around unemployed.

I'm with you there brother.

I think it helps that i met my wife here. Two expats in a pod. What also helps is that my wife has her own life here. She's a qualified teacher, which I think helps. She can easily pick up a couple of days a month work at your Harrows, NISTS's of the world, so she's got her own life.

The biggest problem I've seen is that the relationships here tend to become very lopsided. For the main breadwinner, life doesn't change very much. You get up, go to work, come home. For the other half - life has turned upside down.

[torrenova]

torrenove says statistically men do not usually want an older woman. This is Farang thinking. Thais have no problem with this.

If a relationship is based on age then it is a sad world indeed. not all Thai men are looking for a meal ticket and not all Thai girls are either.

It is nothing to do with "farang thinking", it is biological. Man the hunter wanted a woman who would be the best bet for reproduction. That woman would be younger than him. Pure and simple, nothing remotely modern about it. Go look me up some statistics on Thai relationships which show me that there are more Thai men with older partners than with tyounger ones. Let me save you the time, those statistics don't exist.

Relationships are not based on age but they are based on atttraction, dependency and need amongst other things. A 16 year old girl can fulfill the role of a wife and mother but a 16 year old boy will rarely be able to fulfill the role of husband and provider.

I agree that not all Thais are on the look out for a meal ticket just as I was not when I married my ex wife (she was 5 years older than me) but a young guy with an older Mrs Robinson type figure will often involve her providing more resources. I think this is exacerbated the greater the difference in age and if a decade or so then it is likely to be more pronounced. It works the other way around more typically and is far more "normal".

Another benefit of being older than your partner is that you have a reasonably long period of time with them before nature takes its course and they get old. If you are in your 40's then hooking up with someone else in their 40's means that you run the risk of not finding them attractive much more quickly than if they are say, 10+ years younger than you. Harsh reality yes, but true.

[torrenova]

The biggest problem I've seen is that the relationships here tend to become very lopsided. For the main breadwinner, life doesn't change very much. You get up, go to work, come home. For the other half - life has turned upside down.

A very big issue and if you look at the expat boards you'll see hundreds of posts, largely from women, complaining about this very fact.

As I contemplate doing some business in Singapore over an extended period of time which will require me to virtually live there, I have to think about the effect not only on me but on my family. She does not want to live in Singapore but I would need her to come down with the baby for a couple of weeks a month or I would not be able to see them. Working out a balance is what we are trying to do before I go.