Jealousy

[Nakrob]

I'm an infrequent poster but have previously posted on topics about getting my Thai gf (of 4 years) to Australia to live with me. She arrived over a month ago. (For context shes spent two months here before across a couple of years, we're not married yet). Things have been going well so far but one of our biggest problems reared its head again last night and I'm at a loss on how to cope with it. She, as most Thai girls are from my experiences, is extremely jealous. Any female acquaintance of mine raises her suspicions that I am "with someone else". A recently mis-addressed wedding invitation from a friends parents was addressed to us as "Mr and Mrs" which prompted her reaction that I was married to someone else that she didn't know, rather than recognising it as the mistake it was. Anyway, last night she was looking through some photos on my computer, some from years before we met, that are of myself and friends at the time, a lot of whom where girls. Of course this brought on accusations of me having slept with all of them before and still wanting to keep the memory of them with photos. For the record I had not slept with any of the girls in question nor had wanted to. I've tried to explain to her many times that I had a life before I met her that was different and that all the people I know and experiences I had make me what I am today. She can't seem to accept my life before her. The culmination of last night was tears and rage and here destroying some of my digital videos from before I met her. She was bordering on psychotic and I was scared for her and myself as I could not pacify her. I'm really scared that she will do something to hurt herself or attempt to destroy more of my possessions. I don't know what I can do here and am seeking any comments from people who may have also experienced the very ugly side of jealousy in a cross cultural relationship.

[ProfessorFart]

Its got nothing to do with culture here!! It'll only get worse! Send her packing!

[cdnvic]

It's not a cultural thing, she sounds like my Australian ex.

You ready to put up with this for life? You may be able to get her to stop bringing it up, but it will probably still be there below the surface.

cv

[chuchok]

A similar thing happened to a friend of mine.After 6 months of <deleted> over nothing, things came to a head one night. He waited until the next day when all the heat had gone out of the situation.He then told her the facts of life in no uncertain terms. He explained on how he would never fool around etc and that he loved her. He then proceded to tell her that if she ever behaved like that again, then he would help her pack her suitcase and would never see her again. He's not the type to mince words or give idle threats either.

Four years later, they are still togeather.

What i forgot to add, was that the jealousy was fueled by drinking. The lady in question simply stopped drinking and the problem was solved.

Edited January 15, 2005 by chuchok

[sua yai]

Photos are a touchy subject in any relationship, no matter how innocent they are.

My gf (after a row that was my fault) took every photo that had her image and stashed them away at her sister's.

I've spoken about this to her, but she maintains that any image of her is HER'S. I can't be bothered to argue

[sua yai]

Photos are a touchy subject in any relationship, no matter how innocent they are.

My gf (after a row that was my fault) took every photo that had her image and stashed them away at her sister's.

I've spoken about this to her, but she maintains that any image of her is HER'S. I can't be bothered to argue the toss. We're back together, I've got the negatives and I'm sure the photos will turn up in due course.

Don't let your missus into your computer!! That'll be the next thing to go.

[cdnvic]

Don't let your missus into your computer!! That'll be the next thing to go.

Two words:

File permissions.

cv

[cdnvic]

I also explained something else that I believe, that it is nearly always the jealous partner that goes astray in a releationship.

This I agree with, but I wonder if the need to even the score when they suspect they've been wronged. I've had those thoughts before but fortunately calmed down before acting on it.

cv

[cdnvic]

That is a very valid point too. And how many of the victims of jealousy go astray because they are accused so often, they figure they might just as well do it when the opportunity arrises. (or would that be just an excues?) 

Nope...you were right on that one too.

cv

[Ajarn]

A similar thing happened to a friend of mine.After 6 months of <deleted> over nothing, things came to a head one night. He waited until the next day when all the heat had gone out of the situation.He then told her the facts of life in no uncertain terms. He explained on how he would never fool around etc and that he loved her. He then proceded to tell her that if she ever behaved like that again, then he would help her pack her suitcase and would never see her again. He's not the type to mince words or give idle threats either.

Four years later, they are still togeather.

What i forgot to add, was that the jealousy was fueled by drinking. The lady in question simply stopped drinking and the problem was solved.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I agree with Chuck's friend. If you are not a playboy, get to the bottom line quickly. If she continues, she'll be sent packing. My wife, before we married, pulled some of this shit- I told here she had no reason for that crap, and she had 30 days to get over it, or we were finished. And I'm also someone who never makes idle threats.

I'm also a trustworthy husband

At the end of the time limit, we got married. Happy for seven years, too.

For those other guys who've complained here recently about the same thing, but the wife has reason because they've caught their hubby in the cookie jar before, I can only say, som naam naa. Like the sig says....

Tham Dee, Dai Dee....Do Good, Get Good

Tham Chua, Dai Chua....Do Bad, Get Bad

That's life!

Edited January 15, 2005 by Ajarn

[cdnvic]

Sounds like a man of 'experience' 

There once was a girl who made Pandora look like an Olson twin...... and for some bizarre reason I fell for it...her..

Thankfully, while hiding from her in another country, I met my wife

cv

[Simbo]

I'm an infrequent poster but have previously posted on topics about getting my Thai gf (of 4 years) to Australia to live with me. She arrived over a month ago. (For context shes spent two months here before across a couple of years, we're not married yet). Things have been going well so far but one of our biggest problems reared its head again last night and I'm at a loss on how to cope with it. She, as most Thai girls are from my experiences, is extremely jealous. Any female acquaintance of mine raises her suspicions that I am "with someone else". A recently mis-addressed wedding invitation from a friends parents was addressed to us as "Mr and Mrs" which prompted her reaction that I was married to someone else that she didn't know, rather than recognising it as the mistake it was. Anyway, last night she was looking through some photos on my computer, some from years before we met, that are of myself and friends at the time, a lot of whom where girls. Of course this brought on accusations of me having slept with all of them before and still wanting to keep the memory of them with photos. For the record I had not slept with any of the girls in question nor had wanted to. I've tried to explain to her many times that I had a life before I met her that was different and that all the people I know and experiences I had make me what I am today. She can't seem to accept my life before her. The culmination of last night was tears and rage and here destroying some of my digital videos from before I met her. She was bordering on psychotic and I was scared for her and myself as I could not pacify her. I'm really scared that she will do something to hurt herself or attempt to destroy more of my possessions. I don't know what I can do here and am seeking any comments from people who may have also experienced the very ugly side of jealousy in a cross cultural relationship.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I could have written the exact same letter about a previous Thai girfriend. They are all the same. Stems from a basic insecurity.

[snoophound]

My girls thai and we live in sydney

she is the same,not the the extent of pics but she definitely doesnt trust me,out on my own,if she cant get me on my mob she gets really angry.

I we at a party or the pub and look too long at a girl or smile and talk to them she starts looking black.

Basicly its all down to insecurity,me hansum man and many girls look at me.

lets face it their experience in thailand is not good....thai guys follow their dicks around big time,most of them wld ###### anything anytime.

As far the drivel my girl watches on thai videos of tv back home,well most of it is full on adultery.

She says she is just scared of losing me and cant help it.

I'm an infrequent poster but have previously posted on topics about getting my Thai gf (of 4 years) to Australia to live with me. She arrived over a month ago. (For context shes spent two months here before across a couple of years, we're not married yet). Things have been going well so far but one of our biggest problems reared its head again last night and I'm at a loss on how to cope with it. She, as most Thai girls are from my experiences, is extremely jealous. Any female acquaintance of mine raises her suspicions that I am "with someone else". A recently mis-addressed wedding invitation from a friends parents was addressed to us as "Mr and Mrs" which prompted her reaction that I was married to someone else that she didn't know, rather than recognising it as the mistake it was. Anyway, last night she was looking through some photos on my computer, some from years before we met, that are of myself and friends at the time, a lot of whom where girls. Of course this brought on accusations of me having slept with all of them before and still wanting to keep the memory of them with photos. For the record I had not slept with any of the girls in question nor had wanted to. I've tried to explain to her many times that I had a life before I met her that was different and that all the people I know and experiences I had make me what I am today. She can't seem to accept my life before her. The culmination of last night was tears and rage and here destroying some of my digital videos from before I met her. She was bordering on psychotic and I was scared for her and myself as I could not pacify her. I'm really scared that she will do something to hurt herself or attempt to destroy more of my possessions. I don't know what I can do here and am seeking any comments from people who may have also experienced the very ugly side of jealousy in a cross cultural relationship.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

[cdnvic]

  I could have written the exact same letter about a previous Thai girfriend. They are all the same. Stems from a basic insecurity.

You been meeting the wrong ones. Maybe I just got real lucky. (Of course I did)

Look at how men treat women here..... what would you be like in their place?

I'd have a crapload of ducks and a sharpening stone.

cv

[tutsiwarrior]

all SE asian women are extremely jealous...if you are involved with one it comes with the territory.

Just like death and taxes get used to it. It has something to do with losing face...if the GF suspected that you may be fooling around she would be in a compromising position. Just get rid of the fotos and everything will be all right.

A girlfriend in Jakarta once saw me get into the back seat of a taxi with my secretary (who was young and pretty) and came storming out of the building to demand that I sit shotgun. I complied but I thought it amusing at the time. Deadly serious for her. I learned my lesson then...don't ever give them a chance to suspect.

[Flummoxed]

I once had a TGF in Hong Kong. Sometimes my Mother would call on my cellphone. Naturally, I would often tell my Mother that I loved her at the end of the conversation. You can imagine this girls reaction! Even when my Mother was on the phone, my TGF would be jealous and suspicious, just because I was talking to a female.

That relationship didn't last, thankfully I came to my senses... crazy bitch she was. I sometimes think about her and feel sad for her. She was a terrible alchoholic and completely self destructive. I tried but I couldn't help her... really I tried.

[tutsiwarrior]

Flummoxed...I hear you mate....

[Ajarn]

No need to be kissing your wife's ass on this one, unless you're okay with being in that role...

My issue was that I'm not taking ANY shit for something I'm not guilty of. I don't allow anytone to treat me like that- especially someone I'm living with. Why would you? Nor should she be your doormat, either.

My message is clear "Get over it or keep it to yourself!". It worked for me

[Pablo H]

No need to be kissing your wife's ass on this one, unless you're okay with being in that role... 

My issue was that I'm not taking ANY shit for something I'm not guilty of. I don't allow anytone to treat me like that- especially someone I'm living with. Why would you? Nor should she be your doormat, either. 

My message is clear "Get over it or keep it to yourself!". It worked for me 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Thats the way to do it. Put your foot down, if she is crazy, kick her out, no one needs the hassle.

[Darknight]

My wife completely trust me and i trust her , i never have seen one jealous streak in her yet.

So i guess they are not "ALL" the same..

And yes she's thai.

[sbk]

Well, in some respects, yes many Thai women do have reason to feel jealous, many thai men do have multiple wives, girlfriends etc. And the soap operas seem to be mainly about infidelity, men with many mia nois etc. This breeds insecurity.

That said, my husband comes from family of men who don't cheat (his dad, his uncles, his cousins--all on his dad's side of the family) and none of these women show ragingly insane jealousy. In fact, even on his mother's side of the family (which is filled with adulterers frankly), the women do not display this behavior even though they have the perfect right to. The community I live in is quite small and I would have heard of this kind of behavior from local women by now. In fact, after 16 years here, I have never seen it. I suspect any woman who behaves this way is behaving in a completely irrational manner and will only cause trouble for you in the future. Removing your photos is capitulating which she will perceive as not only a victory but weakness on your part. If you do this, it will only be the start of many more capitulations on your part. You need to set some basic rules as the other guys have pointed out. If she doesn't change then you need to find someone a little more secure in themselves because she will make your life a living he!!.

[penzman]

Confuse her totally by flirting with men.

[Wanderer]

Confuse her totally by flirting with men.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

i wouldn't do that ! few years ago I was working in the middle east, my wife (gf at the time) called me on my moblile but for some reason the network directed my no. incorrectly and an arab or indian guy who answered it. She called back straight away, which i answered and i said i sitting in my hotel room alone (which i was) so i had some explaining to do,as she was convinced i had someone in the room. Anyway if she is wreaking your head after a couple of years, as many members have advised, tell her to smell the roses and offer to pay for her to get her head checked out while explaining you weren't a virgin when you met her

[ThaiPauly]

Its not just Thai, my ex English wife used to loose her rag if I was watching Kylie Minougue on MTV, even her daughter could not understand her jealousy.

She also destroyed all my photos of women I had either been married or engaged to, asking me why I wanted to keep them?

I could not really answer that question I don't know why, maybee its a sentimental thing and one day when I am old and maybee alone I may want to reflect on my life. Is this right or wrong, but its pretty irrelevant know as no longer have them.

What do you other guys think about this? Do you keep pictures of ex's?

My Thai wife is not outwardly jealous, and does not mind me LOOKING at other women, but she is always asking if we will be together forever to which I reply "Of Course" but who knows? I really do hope we stay together but we all know that love can come and go, and if in my case it goes then so does my house

[bodypaul]

I'm an infrequent poster but have previously posted on topics about getting my Thai gf (of 4 years) to Australia to live with me. She arrived over a month ago. (For context shes spent two months here before across a couple of years, we're not married yet). Things have been going well so far but one of our biggest problems reared its head again last night and I'm at a loss on how to cope with it. She, as most Thai girls are from my experiences, is extremely jealous. Any female acquaintance of mine raises her suspicions that I am "with someone else". A recently mis-addressed wedding invitation from a friends parents was addressed to us as "Mr and Mrs" which prompted her reaction that I was married to someone else that she didn't know, rather than recognising it as the mistake it was. Anyway, last night she was looking through some photos on my computer, some from years before we met, that are of myself and friends at the time, a lot of whom where girls. Of course this brought on accusations of me having slept with all of them before and still wanting to keep the memory of them with photos. For the record I had not slept with any of the girls in question nor had wanted to. I've tried to explain to her many times that I had a life before I met her that was different and that all the people I know and experiences I had make me what I am today. She can't seem to accept my life before her. The culmination of last night was tears and rage and here destroying some of my digital videos from before I met her. She was bordering on psychotic and I was scared for her and myself as I could not pacify her. I'm really scared that she will do something to hurt herself or attempt to destroy more of my possessions. I don't know what I can do here and am seeking any comments from people who may have also experienced the very ugly side of jealousy in a cross cultural relationship.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Ditch the bitch is the only answer

[Ajarn]

Its not just Thai, my ex English wife used to loose her rag if I was watching Kylie Minougue on MTV, even her daughter could not understand her jealousy.

She also destroyed all my photos of women I had either been married or engaged to, asking me why I wanted to keep them?

I could not really answer that question I don't know why, maybee its a sentimental thing and one day when I am old and maybee alone I may want to reflect on my life. Is this right or wrong, but its pretty irrelevant know as  no longer have them.

What do you other guys think about this? Do you keep pictures of ex's?

My Thai wife is not outwardly jealous, and does not mind me LOOKING at other women, but she is always asking if we will be together forever to which I reply "Of Course" but who knows? I really do hope we stay together but we all know that love can come and go, and if in my case it goes then so does my house

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

TP, a few observations...

First, take whatever I say with a grain of salt, of course. I don't know any of the true dynamics in your marriage(s) or famly. I'm only responding from a gut instinct to the small pieces of info you present here.

Whatever happens, she seems to be in a clear win-win situation, while you seem to be in a position of Maybe win(but at what what personal cost to you?) or lose BIG (your money, home, etc.)

It also seems that she doesn't really trust or believe you, while you've bet the farm (literally) on her continuing to stay with you.

I certainly wouldn't feel stable...

The stuff like destroying your property is clearly wrong, and you know that from the feelings you expressed. Why you couldn't say that to her is a question you might want to think about...

People are attracted to each other for many reasons. I don't think any of those reason could be bad if you are both happy with the situation. It could only be classified as 'bad' if there is a conflict or one or both parties don't feel sabai-sabai.

It seems you wife has questions, and your answers have not satisfied her yet... If it was me, I would have a serious sit-down and discuss whatever issues need to be discussed. She may even be inwardly praying that you'll better address her questions to you.. A more appropriate handling by you of her concerns could go miles to strengthening your marriage in a myriad of ways...

I'd say, put on a cup and go for it. Everything to gain here, TP.

Best to both of you

[meemiathai]

I used to disapprove of how jealous my wife was for me just keeping photos of me and my exGFs until I started imagining how I would feel if it was the other way round.