You Know You're In The Wrong Restaurant When ...

[Jingthing]

A funny item in the Washington Post. Readers are talking about hints they are in a bad restaurant.

Most of those are more US specific.

How do you know you are in a bad restaurant in Thailand (funny ones)?

some to start:

The cockroach crawling across your table is a relative of the meat in the main course.

You ask for ten items and they say no have every time, so finally you just order fried rice. Have.

They brag that all the food is sourced at Friendship Market! (Pattaya)

They bring ketchup for the pizza.

Washington Post, Sietsema's Table

You Know You're in the Wrong Restaurant When...

.... the reviews on the wall are from the last century

or

.... the menu is available in five languages

or

... everyone around you is wearing a convention badge

or

... White Zinfandel is listed on the wine card

. . . The waitress responds to a question about the three soups offered with "Red; Green; and Clear - the flavors change, but the colors, they stay the same".

. . . a new sushi restaurant has a sign that says "Chinese food available too!".

. . . the bread is already buttered for you" (true story)

My husband likes it!

When the waitstaff touches the customers. (See, a Thai one already!)

...you can't find a wine you want to order for less than $60.00

...the preium beers don't include a single beer from Belgium

Italian restaurant in Long Island with notice:

Al dente, 50 cents extra

[hanno]

The menu comes complete with pictures of each dish.

The menu is laminated.

The bread sticks in the (expensive) Italian restaurant that appear on your table make their way onto the bill.

The waiter is squeezing his zits whilst taking the order.

[thithi]

The waiters/waitresses are not happy taking orders.

The food are slowly cooked.

There are 4 different channels on TVs at the time.

[Jingthing]

You ask for the food extra spicy, in Thai, three times, three different ways in Thai and one or two in English for good measure. The food comes out totally bland. (True story many times!)

[Jingthing]

When there are seven different dishes featuring CRAP.

[Tywais]

You see the cook coming out of the bathroom smelling his hands.

[Texpat]

You're hungry again by the time the check arrives.

The bugs on the table are intentional.

The waitress takes your bottle of Sing and ice bucket hostage across the room and is oblivious to your profound thirst.

Your salad has more goopy white sauce on it than a Japanese fetish film.

You ask for a doggy bag and the enterprising waitress throws in yesterday's old rice and some chicken bones -- no extra charge.

[Jingthing]

You see the cook coming out of the bathroom smelling his hands.

That, and ...

You see the cook coming out of the bathroom licking his hands.

The spaghetti bolognese is Mama noodles topped with a sauce of super sugary raw pork blood

[Kan Win]

Then the 'Menu' arrives:-

same place with an up-graded 'Menu'

Yours truly,

Kan Win

[Jingthing]

Menus look fine to me, except I really do prefer Argentine leaver.

[Birdman]

When the one and same menu shows first Farang prices in English and later Thai prices written in Thai for exactly the same.

[Deke]

When the waitress sets your beer glass on a table across the room while she goes to fetch another bottle.

[mahtin]

When your beer is served as bottle in squishy condom.

[PoorSucker]

When you go to the toilet and they have potatoes soaking next to the toilet seat.

[Jingthing]

When your beer is served as bottle in squishy condom.

But that's qual-i-tee!

[njpski]

Liked the second menu

Friend minced - how did they know that was the way he walked?

Shrimp wrapped - well, he does wear a condom!

[hanno]

When you go to the toilet and they have potatoes soaking next to the toilet seat

There used to be restaurants here in Vietnam where the toilet drain exited straight to the pig pen. Put me off pork for a while

[PhilHarries]

When you go to the toilet and they have potatoes soaking next to the toilet seat

There used to be restaurants here in Vietnam where the toilet drain exited straight to the pig pen. Put me off pork for a while

So that's why they put ice cubes in the urinals, the pigs obviously like their drinks cold.

Half limes in the urinals (always suspicious whether that is before or after squeezing the juice out for the nam sodas).

The cockroaches eat next door.

The dogs turn their noses up at the scraps thrown to them.

You get to your food before the flies.

There's a Thai hygene certificate halfway up the grease stained wall.

The chef has a sneezing fit just before your food is delivered.

[PEP]

When visiting theToilet at a restuarant, observe the following:-

• If the Footprints on the Seat face the Door this is normal practice. Continue on.
  

• If the Footprints face away from the Door, check the Floor surface where you are standing. If all clear, continue on.
  

• If the Footprints are on the Toilet Tank or any of the Wall surfaces, Check the cubicle for signs of Feathers, Bones, Blood or other Chicken parts. Suggest you exit without delay and seek a more reputable Venue.
  

• If in any of the situations above, you recognise the Footprints as your own you should immediately leave. Suggest that you contact the nearest Travel Agency. You have been in Thailand too long!