Worst Joke Ever

[ozsamurai]

[laislica]

A Woman decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.

For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field.

Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her first ice fishing trip.

She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion.

Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.

When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool and carefully laid out her tools.

Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, “There are no fish under the ice!!”

Startled, the woman grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole.

Again the voice from above bellowed, “There are no fish under the ice!!”

Amazed, the woman was not quite sure what to do as this certainly was not covered in any of her books.

She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm.

Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly–tools in the right place, chair positioned just so.

Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again.

“There are no fish under the ice!!”

Petrified, the woman looked skyward and asked, “Is that You, Lord?”

The voice boomed back, “NO THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!”

[chiang mai]

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

Yesterday, I had a problem so I called Georgie, the 11 year old next door, whose

bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Georgie clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong?

He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’

I didn’t want to appear too stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An, ID ten T

error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’

Georgie grinned.. ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?’

‘No,’ I replied.

‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’

So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Georgie, the little turd.

If you’re not a Senior yet, then send this to someone who is.

[chiang mai]

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, "Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."

[laislica]

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing...they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

So his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out.

Once again, the boy calls home.

'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.

'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.
So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk to him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I've got some grim news.

Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal.

Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your dad still bonking that little redheaded barmaid at the pub?''

His father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a very successful lawyer.

[laislica]

Only one thing beats "The Sleep of the Just".
The sleep of the just after!
Boom Boom

[laislica]

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone got extremely drunk, and the bride's and groom's families get in a huge fight and begin wrecking the reception room,

and generally kicking the living daylights out of each other. The Police get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court.

The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in Court!"

The court room goes silent and Paddy, the Best Man, stands up and says, "Judge, I was the Best Man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, "Okay."

"Well," said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs."

Shocked, the Judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!"

"Hurt?!" Paddy replies. "He broke three of my <deleted> fingers!"

[Ace of Pop]

Antique Irish Jigsaw for Sale.Both pieces in perfect condition.

[vogie]

Why have elephants got Big Ears? Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.

[AhFarangJa]

[laislica]

Day before yesterday I slipped on some margarine whilst baking you a cake and hurt my knee. Today, I can't believe it's not better.

[laislica]

A Dad with his little girl in the garden.

Girl asks "is that a mummy-longlegs underneath that daddy-longlegs?

Dad says "no sweetie there are no mummy-longlegs, only daddy-longlegs"

Dad felt very proud of her inquisitive mind until she stamps on both of them saying..

"we'll have none of that gay shit in our kin garden!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edited November 26, 2015 by laislica

[AhFarangJa]

[laislica]

[loong]

[laislica]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[laislica]

[WaiLai]

A doctor meets a patient who declares that he gay. The doctor says"good for you, so what's bothering you?"

The patient complains of several days of stomach cramps and the doctor after conducting the interview says"We'll have to do an internal, so put on the gown and get up on the table on hands and knees"

The doctor slips on his gloves and proceeds to do a rectal examination.

A minute later he pulls his hand out holding a bouquet of flowers and exclaims "where the heck did these come from?"

The patient calmly looks over his shoulder and says" I don't know! Read the card!"

[riceyummm]

Celebrities with and without makeup.

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[WitawatWatawit]

A doctor meets a patient who declares that he gay. The doctor says"good for you, so what's bothering you?"

The patient complains of several days of stomach cramps and the doctor after conducting the interview says"We'll have to do an internal, so put on the gown and get up on the table on hands and knees"

The doctor slips on his gloves and proceeds to do a rectal examination.

A minute later he pulls his hand out holding a bouquet of flowers and exclaims "where the heck did these come from?"

The patient calmly looks over his shoulder and says" I don't know! Read the card!"

This is seriously funny and should not have been posted on this thread.

Thank you.

Were the flowers venus flytraps, by any chance?

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[AhFarangJa]

I have to say that this morning when I got in my car I did not notice the silver one parked next to me

[laislica]

Dad couldn't get a taxi last night from the bar.

So he walked into the Chinese,

ordered the food to be delivered to his house and got a lift with the delivery driver!!

Delivery only cost him £1 ha ha
What a lad