Worst Joke Ever

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[kevjohn]

A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ‘I like your sense of humour!’

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This cracks me up.

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dam_n!

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Like a pro!

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I never could figure this sentiment out.

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[RedNIvar]

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.

HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE

WHAT'S UP.

THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK.

BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN,

GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND

HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE".

BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MUMMY... I JUST HAVEN'T DONE IT YET. "

MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES.

BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

BILLY SAYS: "IT WORKS ON THE TOMATO SAUCE BOTTLE!"

[RedNIvar]

A father put his three years old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: 'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.'

The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy; it just seemed like the thing to do.'

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma..'

The next day the grandmother died. 'Holy mackerel!' thought the father. This kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later, when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say: 'God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.'

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night, and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured that, if he could get by until midnight, he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home, his sleeping wife awoke and said, 'I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?'

He said 'I don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the worst day of my life.'

She said, 'You think you had a bad day. You'll never believe what happened to me. This morning, my golf instructor dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!'

[RedNIvar]

A man suffered a serious heart attack and consequently had a quadruple

heart bypass surgery. He woke up to find that he was in the care of nuns

at a Catholic Hospital. When he had recovered sufficiently a nun began to

ask him questions as to how he was going to pay for all the treatment he

has had.

The nun asked, "Do you have health insurance?"

The patient replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

Then the nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

The patient replied, "No money in the bank."

Somewhat impatient the then nun asked, "Do you have a relative who be willing to

help you settle the account for your treatment?"

The patient said, "I only have a spinster sister who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!

Nuns are married to God."

The patient retorted, "Then send the bill to my brother in law."

[RedNIvar]

Our housekeeper has asked for a pay increase.

My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a Pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.'

The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'

Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Senora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

[RedNIvar]

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy

Marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems

By taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the

Beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side

Underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a

Spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he

Wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's

Insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man

Opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested

Inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to

Accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolworths store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the

Murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie

Had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the

Hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard,

Who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested

Before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie

Revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial

Arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ..

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WOOLWORTHS!'

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It's true!

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Yeah...I was thinking of going Moroccan tonight.

[Ron19]

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a pushcart vendor yelling, "Hot dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please!" says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.

Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs..'

The mother superior is first to open hers.

She begins to blush, and then after staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and in a soft brogue whispers, "What part did you get?"

[kevjohn]

Misled, don't believe it

He tried me on the sofa,

He tried me on the chair,

He tried me on the window sill

But couldn't get it there.

He tried me lying on the couch,

I stood against the wall,

I even sat upon the floor,

It wouldn't work at all.

He tried it this way and that way,

Oh, how I did laugh

To see how many ways he tried

To take my photograph.

[kevjohn]

Q. What's the difference between a large pepperoni pizza and an aspiring photographer?

A. A large pepperoni pizza can feed a family of four.

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[kevjohn]

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.

He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No sh#t?'

Edited October 18, 2012 by kevjohn