Worst Joke Ever

[warfie]

A friend of mine just started his own business.

He is making landmines that look like prayer mats.

The business is doing exceedingly well.

He says Prophets are going through the roof.

[phosphorescent]

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

The woman rolled her eyes and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant! He shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!"

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

[Robby nz]

A Rabi once told me:

"We keep the piece"

[warfie]

Did you hear about the Rabbi who had a wallet made from the foreskins?

when he rubbed it, it turned into a briefcase....

[Robby nz]

Ah foreskins.

They do have their drawbacks dont they?

[bkkjames]

Did you hear the one about the newlyweds that didn't know the difference between vaseline and caulking?

All their windows fell out.

and a for a joke of poor poor taste...

Did you hear the one about the boy who didn't know the difference between incense and incest?

He burnt his little sister.

Two guys were sitting having a beer and one goes to the other..

"I think I have dislexia, last week at the travel agent I wanted to say 'Can I have two tickets to Pittsburgh' and it came out 'Can I have two tickets to Titsburgh'.

The other guy replies, I know what you mean. The other day I was having breakfast with my wife and wanted to say 'Honey, please pass me the cereal' and it came out 'YOU RUINED MY LIFE YOU F'ING BIATCH!'.

[warfie]

Is it possible to have the topic title changed to "Groanarama"?

[krading]

"How much for the condoms?"

"$3.50 plus tax"

"Forget the tacks, I'll glue them on"

[mca]

2 cannibals are eating a clown and one says to the other " Does this taste funny to you? "

[mca]

A bloke takes his Saint Bernard to the vet with a mild ear infection.

" Well let's pick him up and have a good look " says the vet.

After about 5 minutes he tells the man " I'm afraid I'm going to have to put your dog down "

" Why? " sobs the man " He's only got an ear infection "

" No " replies the vet " He's getting heavy "

A man goes to see a psychiatrist.

" What seems to be the problem? " asks the quack

" Well, " says the man " I've developed a fetish for groping homosexual midgets "

" I see, " replies the psychiatrist " So you're feeling a little queer? "

[canine79]

The President of the USA, George Bush, and his Vice President, Dick Cheney, are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in, sees them and asks the barman, "Isn't that the President and the Vice President sitting over there?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honour! What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning World War Three."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Arabs and one blonde with big breasts."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big breasts? Why would you kill a blonde with big breasts?"

Bush turns to Cheney and says, "See, I told you no one would care about 140 million Arabs".

Edited November 28, 2012 by Scott
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[ozsamurai]

In 1957, several cities were vying to host the 1964 Winter Olympics. Candidates had been eliminated to the point where the only two left were Singapore and Nevers, France.

The French venue had an obvious advantage for the games, but the Singaporeans were eager to host the games in their country, so they developed a snow-making machine.

Because of technical glitches, the machine produced snow only part of the time. The rest of the time it produced steam, and you can't ski on steam. So they made a last-ditch effort to perfect the machine, knowing that the deadline for a decision from the committee was nigh.

To bring moral support and entertainment to the workers, they brought in Elvis Presley, who mounted the stage and said,

"Well, today's the day your machine must produce snow. If it belches out steam, the games will go to France. So this is it. It's snow, or Nevers."

I thank you....

[overherebc]

A bloke takes his Saint Bernard to the vet with a mild ear infection.

" Well let's pick him up and have a good look " says the vet.

After about 5 minutes he tells the man " I'm afraid I'm going to have to put your dog down "

" Why? " sobs the man " He's only got an ear infection "

" No " replies the vet " He's getting heavy "

A man goes to see a psychiatrist.

" What seems to be the problem? " asks the quack

" Well, " says the man " I've developed a fetish for groping homosexual midgets "

" I see, " replies the psychiatrist " So you're feeling a little queer? "

Lady takes her dog to the vet coz it's ears are blocked with wax and hair.

Vet says , before I can treat it you need to clean it's ears with hair removing cream.

She goes to the chemist to buy it and the young salesman says, if you use that under your arms don't use deodorant for a week.

Not for under my arms she says,

Ok if you use it on your legs don't wear tights for a week.

For goodness sake she says , it's for my shnauzer,

Ok he says, don't ride your bike for a week.

[warfie]

^^ groan factor #9

[rijb]

A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost

the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and

the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get

to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab

waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He

promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his

credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address,

all to no avail.

The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the

hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-

hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to

regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time

he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to

the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of

cabs but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when

he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment

about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity,

and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much

for a ride to the airport," he asked?

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me oral sex on the way?"

"What? Get the hell out of my cab!"

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line

and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he

got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and

asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"

The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."

The businessman said "OK," and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the

businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

[Wallaby]

I'm sure this will get me banned......

Concentration camp and the commandant has all the prisoners lined up.

Commandant: JEWS, I order you all to go tik tok like a clock.

All the prisoners start going tik tok tik tok tik tok........except one who is just going tik tik tik tik

Commandant: GUARDS, BRING THAT PRISONER TO ME.

Prisoner dragged in front of the commandant still going tik tik tik tik.

Commandant says: You know we have ways of making you tok.

Ok, I'm off now.

[warfie]

Oh dear...

ozsamurai, you have definitely got some strong competition from Wallaby...

[Antathome]

Three men walked into a bar - you think one of them would have seen it - Groan

[johnnyj]

was driving down the road the other day,

saw a Magic tractor, it turned into a field...

[johnnyj]

I gotted mugged the other day, by a guy carrying a lot of milk and cheese.

as the prat ran off with my wallet, I thought "How dairy!!"

what did the elephant say to the naked man? Thats cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?

Edited October 10, 2011 by johnnyj

[overherebc]

^^ groan factor #9

Every day Grandad takes his grand daughter to school and brings her home n the evening. One day, not feeling so good so asks Grandma to take her.

That evening he asks his grand daughter ,How was the journet today ?

Very much quieter than usual she says, we didn't see one single, dick without indicators, or a <deleted> idiot who can't drive or a blind b--tard, no brainless dip-sh--s,or anyone who got their licence from a cornflakes packet.

[callao]

what did the doe say when she came out of the woods?

I'll never do that for 2 bucks again

[overherebc]

The President of the USA, George Bush, and his Vice President, Dick Cheney, are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in, sees them and asks the barman, "Isn't that the President and the Vice President sitting over there?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honour! What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning World War Three."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Arabs and one blonde with big breasts."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big breasts? Why would you kill a blonde with big breasts?"

Bush turns to Cheney and says, "See, I told you no one would care about 140 million Arabs".

Gordon Brown goes to the Railway Museum.

On the way around he asks the guide if it's possible to name one of the Locos after him. Sorry the guide says, they've all been named. Brown keeps insisting until the guide gives in and agrees.

Fine says Brown which one ?

Easy says the guide "The Flying Scotsman"

Well thanks says Brown, can you do it now ? Yep says the guide, we'll just paint out the "F"

[warfie]

Great stuff!

I hate you all... keep 'em coming!

[overherebc]

Great stuff!

I hate you all... keep 'em coming!

# old guys talking.

First one 88 years says 88 is really bad, I can't p-ss properly, go to the can nothing happens come back sit down, need to go again 5 minutes later, really annoying

Second one says , no way 90 is worse, can't sh-t, try all day every 15 minutes and only happens once a week.

Third old guy says 92 is worse 6am i pee like a horse. 6.45 I sh-t like a loose camel.

First two say that sound great.

Third one says, not if you don't wake up till 7am it aint

[BigJohnnyBKK]

A man goes to the psychiatrist and says

"Doc, I don't know whether I'm a wigwam or a teepee".

The doctor answers

"Just relax,

You're two tents. . ."

[warfie]

ouch!

[mca]

A horse walks into a pub and the landlord says " Why the long face?"

A bloke goes to see the doctor and says "I think my hearts having a little flutter"

" Why do you think that?" asks the doctor.

" Because he's started reading The Racing Post " replies the bloke.

2 cannibals are eating a clown and one says to the other " Does this taste funny to you?"

[rijb]

Subject: Safety Notice

Please, take care of yourself out on the roads this holiday season.

A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by <deleted> who drink bottled water, Starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks, and shit like that.

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.

This message is sent to you by someone who worries about your safety.

Edited January 3, 2012 by rijb

[TomTao]

Q. Where do you find a dog with no leg?

A. Where ever you left it.

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