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Risque Jokes

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Jai dee, I would rather have a woman spew on my d1ck than <deleted> a melon. :o:D:D:D

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Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie’s lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes.

The Genie said, “Nope...Due to inflation, constant downswing, low wages in third world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...What’ll it be?”

Bill didn’t hesitate. He said, “I want to be remembered for bringing peace to the Middle East, instead of that other stuff with Monica, and Jennifer, and the rest of those women. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other.”

The Genie looked at the map of the Middle East and exclaimed, “Jeez, Fella! These people have been at war for thousands of years. I’m good, but not THAT good. I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish.”

Bill thought for a minute and said, “You know, people really don’t like my wife. Even though she got elected, they call her a carpetbagger. They think she’s mean, ugly, and pushes me around. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. That’s what I want.”

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, “Lemme see that map again.” :o

  • Author

Peeping!!!

Run your mouse over the people standing at the bus stop here

/Edit - sorry the link got censored... :o

The URL is h t t p://www.fun.from.h e l l.pl/2003-02-18/peeping.swf

Just remove the spaces in the red sections

Taoism: shit happens

Buddhism: if shit happens, it isn't really shit

Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah

Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserve it

Judaism: why does this shit always happen to us?

Atheism: I don't believe this shit

  • Author

Stuck in a relationship? Get out of it the FUN way!

I've been where you are. It may feel like YOU are trapped at the moment, but in reality, you are as free as a butterfly if you follow the Tourist Bob methodology. Think of this sort of as the Boy Scout Merit Badge program.

Try this:

"Honey Ko, you know I love you. We've been together two months now, and since you are just fourteen, that is a long time!

Now, I need our relationship to grow.

Please, will you...

1. Give me a blowjob (once completed...)

2. Please let me come on your face (once completed...)

3. Please let me <deleted> your tits (assuming she has some, if not, move to next badge)

4. Please let me <deleted> you up the @rse (once completed...)

5. Please bring a beautiful friend home by 8 pm tomorrow for a threesome (once completed...)

6. Please do my laundry while I am drilling you over the laundry tub and while your girlfriend is licking my behind.

If she hasn't left you by the time you get to #6, you have two choices:

A. Marry her

B. Send her to me

Either way, you should be out of your current, boring situation.

A public service provided by....

Bob

Taoism: shit happens

Buddhism: if shit happens, it isn't really shit

Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah

Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserve it

Judaism: why does this shit always happen to us?

Atheism: I don't believe this shit

• In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is>punishable by death. Like THAT makes sense.)

• In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. Do they look different reversed?)

• Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. A brick??)

• The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. Much worse than "going blind!")

• There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time

• Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

• Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

• In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. Ah! Justice!)

• Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England but only in tropical fish stores. But of course!)

• In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

• In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. ( I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

• In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

• Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

Link

Are you guys ready for some Fecal Japan Porn ?  :D

She even made it to Encyclopedia Dramatica and WikiPedia

her name is TubGirl

Link here: http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/index.php/Tubgirl

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tubgirl#Major_Shock_Sites

:D

Thats just <deleted> cking wrong. How and why do you find these sites? :o

You are a sicky puppy! :D

Are you guys ready for some Fecal Japan Porn ?  :D

She even made it to Encyclopedia Dramatica and WikiPedia

her name is TubGirl

Link here: http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/index.php/Tubgirl

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tubgirl#Major_Shock_Sites

:D

Yep...B-Fly the Perv finds the best sites, eh? :o

Thats just <deleted> cking wrong. How and why do you find these sites? :D

You are a sicky puppy! :D

  • Author

<snip>

Thats just &lt;deleted&gt; cking wrong. How and why do you find these sites? :D

You are a sicky puppy! :D

Some people just aren't normal like us Jockstar... :o

:D

Taoism: shit happens

Buddhism: if shit happens, it isn't really shit

Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah

Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserve it

Judaism: why does this shit always happen to us?

Atheism: I don't believe this shit

  • Author

Caption: Nothing good on TV again... :o

NothinggoodonTV.jpg

Taoism: shit happens

Buddhism: if shit happens, it isn't really shit

Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah

Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserve it

Judaism: why does this shit always happen to us?

Atheism: I don't believe this shit

  • Author

Maybe the worst note your mother could ever leave... :o

wits.jpg

Taoism: shit happens

Buddhism: if shit happens, it isn't really shit

Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah

Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserve it

Judaism: why does this shit always happen to us?

Atheism: I don't believe this shit

  • Author

Well it only takes a short while for someone to come up with a funny once a disaster occurs, this is a good one... :o

Taoism: shit happens

Buddhism: if shit happens, it isn't really shit

Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah

Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserve it

Judaism: why does this shit always happen to us?

Atheism: I don't believe this shit

Not really Risque but i liked it

So where do you stand morally?

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.

By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION

You are in New Orleans to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are photo journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST

Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.

You move closer.

Somehow the man looks familiar.

You suddenly realize who it is.

It's the President, George W.

Bush.

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

You have two options- you can save the life of the President,

or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo,

documenting the death of one of the world's most famous men.

THE QUESTION

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer.......

Would you select high contrast colour film,

or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

  • Author

A middle aged woman standing nud_e, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband. "I look horrible. I'm fat, my tits and my @rse are getting more saggy by the day, I find a new wrinkle every morning and I think I'll have to go up yet ANOTHER dress size."

Sitting down with her head in her hands she continues, "I just feel so old and ugly... can you please at least pay me one compliment?"

The husband replies....."Well if it's any consolation, your eyesight's &lt;deleted&gt; spot on!!"

:o

Taoism: shit happens

Buddhism: if shit happens, it isn't really shit

Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah

Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserve it

Judaism: why does this shit always happen to us?

Atheism: I don't believe this shit

  • Author

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with an even greater effort he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in Heaven, for here, spread out on waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite scones.

Was it Heaven?

Or was it one final act of devoted love from his beloved wife of sixty years, making sure he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one final effort he threw himself towards the table. Landing on his knees in a crumpled posture, his parched lips parted, he could almost taste the scones before they were in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

His aged and withered hand reached it's way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table........when.

Whack...a spatula hit him on the back of his hand.

'&lt;deleted&gt; off!'...shouted his wife.

'They're for the funeral.'

Taoism: shit happens

Buddhism: if shit happens, it isn't really shit

Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah

Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserve it

Judaism: why does this shit always happen to us?

Atheism: I don't believe this shit

Not a joke but apparently true chants that have been sung at recent football matches.

Apparently this was the chant to Lord of the Dance tune, at Man United the other day:

"Park, Park, Where ever you may be

You eat dogs in your home country

But it could be worse

You could be a scouse

Eating rats in your council house"

Or to the tune of the Addams Family if you were a Leeds fan down at Norwich:

"Your sister is your mother

Your uncle is your brother

You all f--- one another

The Norwich family

der der der der clap clap etc"

Celtic fans to Andy Goram after it was revealed that the chubby keeper had been diagnosed with schizophrenia:

"Two Andy Gorams, there's only two Andy Gorams"

Toon fans to Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink. He even laughed

"Fat Eddie Murphy, you're just a fat Eddie Murphy"

  • Author
  "Your sister is your mother

  Your uncle is your brother

  You all f--- one another

  The <Tassie> or <Kiwi> family

  der der der der clap clap etc"

:D

This is the version I have heard before... :o

Taoism: shit happens

Buddhism: if shit happens, it isn't really shit

Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah

Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserve it

Judaism: why does this shit always happen to us?

Atheism: I don't believe this shit

Jesse Jackson, while visiting a primary school class, found himself in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word “tragedy.”

So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a “tragedy.” One little boy stood up and offered: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.”

“No,” says the Great Jesse Jackson, “that would be an accident.”

A little girl raised her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not,” explains the exalted spiritual leader. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.

Rev. Jackson searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: “If a plane carrying the Rev. Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.”

“Fantastic!” exclaims Jackson, “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”

“Well,” says the boy, “because it sure as he11 wouldn’t be a great loss, and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either."

  • Author
gay.jpg

Taoism: shit happens

Buddhism: if shit happens, it isn't really shit

Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah

Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserve it

Judaism: why does this shit always happen to us?

Atheism: I don't believe this shit

  • Author

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.

"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.

"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.

"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blowjob."

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

Taoism: shit happens

Buddhism: if shit happens, it isn't really shit

Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah

Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserve it

Judaism: why does this shit always happen to us?

Atheism: I don't believe this shit

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play

together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a

bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for

the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he

searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had

gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length

of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse,

and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship

between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best

Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,

began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse

thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing

and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good

grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (Yep, there's a moral!)

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up

Chicks!" :o

  • Author

A man is walking along a beach, when he walks past a young woman lying on a blanket, crying. The girl's face and figure are quite attractive, but she has no arms or legs. The man walks over and asks, "Excuse me, miss, why are you crying? Can I help you with something?"

The girl looks up at him and says, "I'm twenty-five years old, and I've never been kissed! Would you please kiss me, like a man kisses a woman?"

The man leans over her, and they kiss for several minutes, which she seems to appreciate. She thanks him, and he gets up and starts walking away. But then he hears her behind him, crying even louder than before. Being a nice guy, he goes back and asks, "What's wrong now? You've been kissed. Aren't you happy?"

"Yes, I'm happy that you kissed me," she says, "but I'm twenty-five years old, and no one's ever played with my breasts or my pussy."

So, once again, he obliges, and helps her out of her bathing suit, and lies down beside her. He plays with her for a while, which both of them enjoy. Then he helps her back into her bathing suit, and heads off again. Only to be brought back by her sobs, which are now louder than ever.

"What now?" he asks. "I've kissed you, I've played with you, I've told you how beautiful you are. Aren't you happy?"

"Yes," she says, "I'm happy for all that, but I'm twenty-five years old, and I've never been fcuked."

So he leans over, lifts her in his arms, walks down to the water's edge, throws her out as far as he can into the waves, and yells "YOU'RE FCUKED NOW!!!"

Taoism: shit happens

Buddhism: if shit happens, it isn't really shit

Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah

Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserve it

Judaism: why does this shit always happen to us?

Atheism: I don't believe this shit

Birthday Present

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.

After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's

been trained to give blowjobs!"

"Blowjobs!" the woman exclaimed.

"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's

true...no more blowjobs for her!

She bought the frog. When she explained the frog's ability to her

husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off.

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this

less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and

pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.

She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the

frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're gone." :o

Bronze Rat

A tourist walked into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking he decided he must have it. He took it to the counter. "How much for the bronze rat?"

"Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the story," the owner said.

The tourist gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat. You can keep the story."

As he walked down the street carrying the rat, he soon noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him. This was disconcerting, so he began walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing. He began to trot toward the Bay, but looking back he saw that the rats now numbered in the millions, were squealing ever louder, and coming toward him faster and faster. Now scared, he broke into a run, then a full Olympic sprint to the edge of the Bay where he threw the bronze rat as far out as he could muster.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat, and they all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop.

"Aha!" said the owner. "You have come back for the story."

"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat. :o

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!

But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.

With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his

head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then brsts into a whoop of joy.

The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"!

The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out! The bar goes wild. The father, crying and

wailing, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant "Take another drink"!

The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands

up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says...

"He should have quit while he was a head!" :o:D:D

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