Calories Burned While Having Sex.

[Tywais]

Over Coming The First Move

According to psychologists, the anxiety produced by the prospect of making the first move, for either sex, is directly proportional to one's fear of asking a delicatessen waiter for a clean glass.

If you are shy................15 calories

If you have a morbid fear of success.......22 calories

If you are an anxious person with a large inferiority complex.......45 calories

If you sell cars.................2 calories

If you beg....................25 calories

Overcoming Resistance

Passive.......................................1 1/2 calories

Passive resistance indicated if partner, while trembling, utters "don't" in a low, meek voice.

"Please don’t stop" indicates extremely passive resistance.

Active............................................62 calories

Seducing partner (only applies to venal partners)

If you are rich.............................................5 calories

If you are poor...........................................164 calories

Body Contact and Initial Touching

Fumbling......................................4 calories

Casually rummaging around.............7 calories

Gentle rubbing............................10 calories

Serious Fondling..........................14 calories

Involved massaging......................17 calories

Caressing....................................19 calories

Petting

Above the waist under loose-fitting garment such as sweater......21 calories

Below the waist under tight ski pants............46 calories

(stop if the waistband cuts off your circulation)

Squeezing (any part of body except entire head)............15 calories

Kissing

Gentle........................................................10 calories

Heavy........................................................17 calories

Passionate.................................................26 calories

Actually sucking blood..................…...........41 calories

Recovering shape of nose.............…...........11 calories

French Kissing

With mouth open...................................18 calories

With mouth closed................................239 calories

Tongue strain........................................65 calories

Removing Clothes

With partner's consent........................12 calories

Without partner's consent..................187 calories

In Winter (Calories count is for removal of typical winter clothes).........25 calories

In summer...........................................3 calories

Removing socks by violently shaking feet.....418 calories

(Very impractical and seldom works, but for those interested in high weight loss, it’s essential)

Unhooking bra

Using two calm hands.............................7 calories

Using one trembling hand..............,........96 calories

(The record here for incompetence is two and half hours and a badly mutilated index finger)

Any attempt to remove pantyhose without first removing slacks..........375 calories

(Add another 100 calories if you are actually successful)

Arousal and Stimulation (advance)

Blowing in partner's ear

Using mouth.........................................9 calories

Using bellows.....................................14 calories

Using blow dryer (low settings)...............2 calories

Nibbling on partner's earlobe.................8 calories

Lust..........................................................15 calories

Talking dirty............................................8 calories

Weight Loss Bonus

Striptease..................................................55 calories

Belly dancing............................................100 calories

Actually dancing with partner's belly.......165 calories

If you are even marginally graceful, stripping to music presents an excellent opportunity to lose weight while arousing your appreciative and leering partner. You must be careful, however, not to ruin the erotic mood by attempting something unsuitable and that might cause you to look foolish. Overweight people would do well to avoid body movements that require excessive swinging and swaying, or leaping.

Embarrassment

Holes in underwear

If you’re rich..................................................2 calories

If you’re poor.................................................20 calories

Excessive hair in unusual places

Pubic hair extends longer than average.......25 calories

Hair around nipple

For man....................................................1/2 calorie

For woman...............................................88 calories

Cellulite........................................................12 calories

Disappointment

Partner Looked better with clothes on..................10 calories

Partner looks better with your glasses off...............10 calories

Partner's body resembles a tubercular chicken.........12 calories

Partner wears corrective underwear......................15 calories

Partner's sweater turns out to be hair on his/her chest..........20 calories

Partner turns out to be of the wrong sex.............100 calories

You don't mind..............................................1/4 calorie

Inventing complicated but believable excuse for leaving...5 calories

Teasing

Licking partner all over

but being careful to avoid all sexually sensitive areas...........20 calories

Constantly resisting frustrated partner

who is desperately trying to push your head toward sexually sensitive areas.....35 calories

NOTE: Overdoing this procedure will cause your partner to become peevish and attempt to direct your tongue to sensitive areas by grasping and pulling on it, not caring whether your head goes along.

Stroking

With

Feather..................................4 calories

Hand.....................................6 calories

Tips of fingers......................7 calories

Frankfurter............................15 calories

Suede cat-o'-nine-tails..........22 calories

Oral Sex

Cunnilingus..............................15 calories

Nosebleed................................5 calories

(can be caused by over-excited partner)

Fellatio....................................30 calories

(Requires almost twice the effort of cunnilingus since it uses more muscles, especially those of the neck, hands and eyes)

Attempting to Breathe..............14 calories

(through a severely stuffed nose)

Toe sucking..............................12 calories

Removing Hair

From tongue.....................3 calories

(A relatively simple operation involving thumb and index finger. Try to be discreet)

From roof of mouth..........8 calories

(Slightly more complicated. Finger and tip of tongue may be necessary)

From soft palate...............14 calories

(Very complicated, especially if it is sticking)

From Uvula......................20 calories

(If hair is wrapped around uvula, it is easily extractable with pliers or a vacuum cleaner. Partner may notice)

From throat.......................23 calories

(Unless there's a small mop handy, you're better off just swallowing the hair. Only 2 calories per strand, no matter what the colour.)

Disposing of Hair

Surreptitiously wiping it on sheet................1 calorie

Wiping it on partner.....................................3 calories

(A good idea, but the hair may come back to haunt you)

Putting it back where it came from...............28 calories

Note: We suggest hiding it underneath your arm until later

Erection

Achieving Erection

For a normal healthy man...............2 1/4 calories

For a normal healthy woman..........549 calories

Sustaining Erection

For a man.......................................4 calories

For a woman..................................163 calories

Putting on Condom

With erection................1 1/4 calories

Without erection...........300 calories

Inserting Diaphragm

If woman who does it is

Experienced..............................................6 calories

Inexperienced...........................................73 calories

If a man does it regardless of experience.....680 calories

Male Fantasies

Sex slave to five insomniac starlets...................18 calories

Sex with a Quaker named Melissa.....................14 calories

Casual intercourse with a warm bugle...............9 calories

Foreplay with a model.......................................15 calories

"Love wrestling" with any woman.....................22 calories

Making love with his female boss......................30 calories

Female Fantasies

Wild intercourse with a jolly butcher.................20 calories

Foreplay with a hallucinating accountant............17 calories

Doing it in downtown Sheboygan.......................40 calories

Getting ravished by a senator.............................9 calories

Sex with a Latin dance instructor.......................23 calories

Sex with a virile renegade.................................25 calories

Bondage

Binding partner with rope (the following knots are favorites)

Sheepshank...............................................7 calories

Slipknot....................................................8 calories

Half hitch..................................................9 calories

Figure eight...............................................11 calories

Square Knot..............................................12 calories

Binding partner with necktie

Windsor Knot...........................................9 calories

Half windsor............................................4 1/2 calories

For the awkward, I suggest

Handcuffs.................................................3 calories

Shackles...................................................6 calories

Leg irons..................................................5 calories

Whipping

Using high quality whip (per stroke)............3 calories

Using cat-o'-nine-tails..............................27 calories

Thrashing partner with

Shoelace..................................................2 calories

Popsicle stick..........................................2 calories

Feather....................................................15 calories

Spanking (per spank)......................................5 calories

Bizarre Sex Practices

Having partner jump on your face......................70 calories

Foreplay while scuba diving.............................100 calories

Sex on a vibrating bed.....................................46 calories

(Vibrating beds are usually found in motels frequented by people with back trouble. *smile* )

Additional Erotic Experiences

Watch partner shave

Face, legs or underarms................................4 calories

Private areas..............................................32 calories

Roll around nude in a bakery window.................72 calories

Lick a Porsche all over....................................100 calories

Have sex on vinyl sheets..................................18 calories

Record your love cries and play them at your next Tupperware party........82 calories

Guilt

From

Masturbation..............................................10 calories

Liking sex...................................................7 calories

Loving sex..................................................20 calories

Never wanting to stop................................30 calories

Sex on your lunch hour...............................3 calories

And you put it on your expense report........20 calories

Aggravation

Partner insists on cuddling dog during foreplay......14 calories

Partner just visited bathroom for seventh time.....10 calories

Partner is taking phone calls................................7 calories

Partner is making phone calls.............................40 calories

Interruptions and Distractions

Somebody going Peek-A-Boo.................15 calories

Noisy neighbours....................................7 calories

Excessive moonlight...............................1/4 calorie

Telephone..............................................4 calories

War.......................................................70 calories

Bed catches fire....................................15 calories

Knock on door......................................10 calories

(Jehovah's Witness selling "The Watchtower")

Resuming where you left off...............30 calories

Fighting off Pets

Tiny nervous dogs weighing less than 8 ounces....3 calories

Playful Saint Bernard........................................20 calories

Jealous Doberman...........................................92 calories

Any enraged Mongrel.......................................50 calories

Cat................................................................6 calories

Resentful Parakeet.....................................2 1/2 calories

[pipo1000]

I miss in the Subject Oral sex the category that adds calories instead of losing them.