All Part Of The Fun Of Being English

[anon21]

Britspeak for Tourists:

NBR:

No Beers Required. Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub. The opposite of a 10-Pinter.

BOBFOC:

Body Off Baywatch; Face Off Crimewatch.

Mystery Bus:

It arrives whilst you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the ugly people. The pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in. You can't believe your luck.

The 10-Pinter:

Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints of beer.

Beer Compass:

The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too sozzled to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.

Sperm Wail:

The high point of male pleasure.

Mystery Taxi:

It turns up in the early hours of the morning whilst you're still asleep to pick up the stunner that you've brought home from the pub, and to drop off the 10-pinter that you wake up with instead ... so that's why you can't remember her name. :roll:

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[anon21]

The English in Love

I can still enjoy sex at 75. I live at 76, so it's no distance.

Bob Monkhouse

Now that I'm 78, I do tantric sex because its very slow. My favourite position is called the plumber. You stay in all day, but nobody comes.

John Mortimer

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[anon21]

Did You Know?

When escalators were first installed on the London Underground, a onelegged man called ‘Bumper’ Harris was employed to ride up and down the new contraptions all day to prove their safety. Unfortunately, some people associated these escalators with the reason that he had lost his leg — so he retired to Gloucester to make cider and violins.

According to ‘research’ by Tesco Supermarket, men in the UK select melons that are the same size as the breasts of the women in their life.

An Englishman may shoot a Welshman provided he does it with a longbow, in the grounds of Hereford Cathedral, on a Sunday — at a range of 12 yards. It is also legal to shoot a Scot in York, but only if you see him within the city walls after dark.

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[David006]

keep 'em coming mate...very funny..thx

[overherebc]

Re the Beer Compass, once heard it referred to as The Bacchus Scooter

[anon21]

keep 'em coming mate...very funny..thx

I shall try, but making no promises though.

Re the Beer Compass, once heard it referred to as The Bacchus Scooter

Well so long as it got you home safely overherebc that's the main thing.

Anyway you may enjoy this article I found. Explains a lot about the British way of thinking

No Wonder Britannia Ruled the Waves

"I name this ship ..."

Research, even into the most mundane subject, can sometimes bring unexpected rewards. Recently, for reasons too dull to explain, I was attempting to discover the names of battleships which served with the Royal Navy during the Second World War. The reference librarian hopefully provided me with a huge volume which listed the names of every British warship ever built, and as I leafed through the index, I was impressed by the quality of the names that the British have given their warships.

HMS Relentless, HMS Repulse, HMS Resolution; fine names, names to gladden the heart of every true Brit and dismay any foreigners with a grasp of English. Names redolent of courage and firm-jawed determination - HMS Sceptre, HMS Scimitar, HMS Seadog, HMS Spanker -

HMS Spanker? It had to be a misprint, but when I looked at the relative page there it was, HMS Spanker, minesweeper. I turned back to the index and soon discovered that HMS Spanker was not the only warship to bear a silly name. A quick check unearthed the destroyers HMS Fairy and HMS Frolic, the light cruiser, HMS Sappho and the corvette, HMS Pansy.

My first assumption was that these names had been chosen by some fresh faced innocent unaware of their connotations, but a careful reading of the index suggested that the choice of such names was deliberate and malicious. I have no proof for my theory, but I strongly suspect that they were the creations of an embittered clerk.

He was a minor bureaucrat who had once dreamed of becoming a naval hero, a second Nelson or Benbow, but had been turned down for active service on the grounds of flat feet and myopia. The Sea Lords, kindly and foolishly, gave him an office job in the Admiralty. There, as he brooded upon the shattering of his ambitions, his envy of the jolly Jack Tars serving in His Majesty's ships turned to hatred and then into a desire to humiliate those who lived a life on the ocean wave. His big break came when he got a job in the Ship's Names Department and he set to work with a will.

Having started with HMS Pansy, HMS Fairy and HMS Spanker, he moved into sexually suggestive names - HMS Teaser, HMS Tickler, HMS Torrid, HMS Thruster and HMS Thrasher. Not content with the damage to morale that these names must have caused to morale that these names must have caused he followed up with HMS Inconstant, HMS Insolent, HMS Truant, HMS Dwarf and HMS Doris.

The man must have been twisted, but he was no mean amateur psychologist. Would an hard pressed admiral be cheered by the news that HMS Doris and HMS Dwarf (a cruiser and gunboat combination that sounds like an avant-garde cabaret act) were steaming to his aid ? Could he be certain that HMS Truant would turn up? That HMS Inconstant wouldn't change sides, or that HMS Insolent wouldn't reply to his signals with a stream of abuse?

This evil minded functionary worked hard to destroy fighting spirit, carefully calculating the result of call a ship HMS Hazard. The cry, "Hazard to port !" must have disrupted countless naval exercises and I strongly suspect that he tried to name a destroyer HMS Mutiny, thinking of the chaos that would result from the signal "Mutiny in Portsmouth". Someone spotted this and changed his proposed name from the English Mutiny to the French Mutin蛯i], hoping that the ship would stir up trouble on courtesy visits to French ports.

If my theory is correct, that someone was Clerk No.2 he worked in the same office as Clerk No.1, but his history and beliefs were very different. He had been invalided out of the Navy after a distinguished career and was a ferocious xenophobe who believed that the British had the right to intimidate and bully anyone who stood in their way. his existence is demonstrated by further study of the list of names.

Most people would consider names like HMS Conqueror, HMS Terror and HMS Vengeance adequate for the purpose of frightening Britain's enemies. Not Clerk No.2 he though them namby-pamby and decided to rectify the situation. He wasn't as prolific as Clerk No.1, but he did his best christening such vessels as HMS Arrogant, HMS Imperialist, HMS Savage, HMS Spiteful, HMS Surly and HMS Tyrant. His finest hour came when he got the job of thinking up names beginning with V, he came up with HMS Vandal, HMS Venomous, HMS Vindictive and HMS Violent. He was a good psychologist too - nobody who had dared to challenge Britain could fail to be moved by the news that HMS Spiteful, HMS Violent and HMS Vindictive were turning up to sort them out.

In later years, as he sat writing letters to the Eastbourne Gazette demanding the introduction of public flogging for litter louts, he must have regretted not calling a ship HMS Vicious. However, he probably consoled himself with the thought that Clerk No.1 didn't get much of a look in on the Vs. He would have christened the ships Vacuous, Vile, Verminous and Venereal. As it was, he only managed HMS Vanity, which was presumably a sister ship of HMS Narcissus. Though Clerk No.2 no doubt deplored the behaviour of his colleague, he, too, allowed the problems of day-to-day existence to intrude into his work, though only after rows with his wife, hence HMS Termagant, HMS Virago and HMS Tirade.

I don't know for how many years they worked in the same office, but it must have been a fraught relationship. Each probably spent most of his time trying to trump the names of the other. Clerk No.1 christened HMS Pansy, No.2 responded with HMS Manly. No.1 - HMS Fairy, No.2 - HMS Virile. And so it went on until they retired and the ships they had named were either sunk or scrapped.

Now our ships have boringly correct names, which is a pity, for names could make a difference. A truly chauvinistic government would do well to study the names dreamed up by Clerk No.2. If we can no longer terrify opponents with the size of our navy, we could try to frighten them with aggressive nomenclature. A good start would be to retrieve the name HMS Violent and call sister ships HMS Psychopathic, HMS Blood Crazed and HMS Criminally Insane. The Vandal class could include HMS Ram Raider, HMS Headcase and HMS Terminator.

Of course, a more progressive government might go for names which reflected the concerns of the Left - HMS Black Sections, HMS Stop Clause 28, HMS Unilateralist and HMS Binding Decision of the Party Conference. Perhaps not, the Daily Mail would have a field day if HMS Unilateralist was ever sunk.

In any event, the name of the ship doesn't appear to have affected its ability to fight, HMS Truant sank the Karlsruhe, HMS Wallflower and HMS Inconstant accounted for several U-boats and I've no doubt that other ships with ridiculous names had excellent war records.

But it is hard not to imagine the crew of HMS Narcissus leaning over the side to admire their reflections in the water, or the crew of HMS Spanker being accosted by leather-clad masochists in dockside bars.

The crews of such ships must have been relieved when security considerations temporarily ended the practice of having the ship's name emblazoned on the cap-band. Even so, the change didn't come quickly enough for the unfortunate University Naval Reserve Unit which, when the orders for mobilisation came, was sent en masse to join a battleship. As they walked up the gangway the regulars on deck burst into hysterical laughter. The full name of the unit was the Cambridge University Naval Training Squadron, which was, of course indicated by the initials on their caps ...

Then again, it might be apocryphal.

Taken from a magazine article by James Richards

[anon21]

From the Churchdown (in Gloucestershire) Parish Magazine:

''Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church, labelled "For The Sick", is for monetary donations only."

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[anon21]

How would would Nelson have fared under modern Health and Safety regulations?

Well close your eyes. "... And let us, cyphers to this great accompt, on your imaginary forces work ..."

You are now standing on the deck of Nelson's Flagship. It was once called HMS Victory, but it is now known as HMS Win-Win Situation

Rear Admiral Nelson is nervously pacing up and down. Alongside him is his faithful friend, Captain Hardy.

Order the signal, Hardy.

Aye, aye, sir.

Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the Signals Officer. What's the meaning of this?

Sorry, sir?

England expects every person to do her/his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What poppycock is this?

Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an Equal Opportunities employer now. In fact, we had the Devil's own job getting "England" past the censors, lest it be considered racist.

Gadzooks, Hardy. Where's my pipe and tobacco?

Sorry, sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.

In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.

Sorry, sir, the rum ration's been abolished. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking.

Good heavens, Hardy. Well, let's get on with it. Full speed ahead.

Ehm, I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit on this stretch of water.

Dammit, man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. England's in mortal danger. If we don't do something now our wives and daughters back home will be smelling of garlic by Christmas. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please.

That won't be possible, sir.

What's that?

Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they say that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding has been erected.

Then get me the Ship's Carpenter without delay, Hardy.

He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral.

Wheelchair access? I've never heard such balderdash.

Health and Safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.

Differently abled? Dammit, man. I've only got one arm and one eye. I didn't get to the rank of Admiral by playing the Disability Card.

But you did, sir, you did. The Royal Navy's not been meeting the government's five year targets in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.

Well, give me a full sail. The salt spray beckons.

Er, sorry, sir, but Health and Safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt either. Haven't you seen those posters all over the ship?

Ship ahoy! Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.

Ehm! ... the men are a bit worried about shooting anyone, sir.

This is mutiny, Hardy.

It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a team of lawyers on board from the Paris and Madrid branches of Sue, Grabbit and Run. They're watching everyone like hawks.

Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?

Actually, sir, we won't be.

We won't?

No, sir. The French and Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.

God's Blood, man! But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the Devil.

I wouldn't let the ship's Diversity Co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary.

Zounds! But you must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of our King.

Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put your life jacket on. Rules is rules.

Infamy! Infamy! They've all got it in for me! Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash? Ah! Those were the days. When men were men ... and the ship's cat looked very nervous.

As I've said already, sir, rum's off, and there's a ban on corporal punishment.

What about sodomy?

I believe it's to be encouraged sir.

In that case, kiss me Hardy!

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[anon21]

A GUIDE TO SAFE FAX IN THE UK

Q Do I have to be married to have safe fax?

A Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete every day.

Q My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were twenty-one. How old do you think someone should be before they have fax?

A Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedures.

Q If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?

A Certainly not, as far as I can see.

Q There is a place at a hotel nearby where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?

A Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a 'professional' when their need to fax becomes too great.

Q Should you always use a cover when you fax?

A Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should be used to ensure safe fax.

Q What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure and I fax prematurely?

A Don't panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start again. Most people won't mind if you try again.

Q I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?

A Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each one, you won't have to worry that you have faxed the wrong person.

NOTE: If you feel that you have had unsafe fax, you should immediately contact a qualified fax therapist.

[tombkk]

A GUIDE TO SAFE FAX IN THE UK

{snip}

In the same gist as the word "fax" is meant here, I was told this true story by a South American diplomat who had just arrived in Thailand. At the time, many small offices (and this included this embassy) had had combined phone/fax machines. When it rang, the operator or secretary would pick it up, the caller would say "fax fax", and the operator/secretary would hit the green button to initiate the fax receipt.

It was lunch break and the diplomat was alone in the office when the phone/fax rang. He heard "fax fax" with a Thai accent (which sounded like the f-word) and he said "f... you too!" and hung up!

By the time he told me this, he had understood his mistake and we had a good laugh.

[anon21]

A GUIDE TO SAFE FAX IN THE UK

{snip}

In the same gist as the word "fax" is meant here, I was told this true story by a South American diplomat who had just arrived in Thailand. At the time, many small offices (and this included this embassy) had had combined phone/fax machines. When it rang, the operator or secretary would pick it up, the caller would say "fax fax", and the operator/secretary would hit the green button to initiate the fax receipt.

It was lunch break and the diplomat was alone in the office when the phone/fax rang. He heard "fax fax" with a Thai accent (which sounded like the f-word) and he said "f... you too!" and hung up!

By the time he told me this, he had understood his mistake and we had a good laugh.

Ha ha. Thanks for that story, tombkk. made me laugh

Asian Bird Flu Crisis

"People in Britain should not panic, everything is in hand". That was the message from the government, reacting to concerns about Bird Flu.

"Although Bird Flu can be deadly" commented a government spokesman, "it is nowhere near as deadly as Bloke Flu".

It is a well known fact that men in this country have had to put up with Bloke Flu for generations. Symptoms have generally included an inability to get out of bed or off the sofa, and a need to have their Playstation controller handed to them with a cup of tea and a Pot Noodle.

The far less serious Bird Flu has been known to almost kill women, leaving them just capable of doing the washing, ironing, cleaning and searching for their boyfriends' mobile phones.

Nevertheless, many men are still highly concerned. "Big Dave" from Romford, Essex, is one of a host of men terrified at the prospect of Bird Flu reaching Britain.

"If me bird ain't able to get to Thresher's to pick up me cider, I don't know what I'll do".

Mad Gazz and his mates from South London also expressed concern.

"If our birds get confined to bed, we're doomed, we need their money to go down the pub. If they can't work, we might have to!!"

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[anon21]

Why the British like to go to Austria, but the locals aren't amused. Apologies to the ladies as the 'F' word appears a lot.

Click HERE

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[anon21]

A woman is worried about her darling husband. He has been working late each night and comes home stressed. This has had an effect on the more intimate side of their marriage. Being a bloke and of course English he can't talk about these things.

One afternoon she decides to get some professional advice, so she goes into a Chemist's and asks the pharmacist about Viagra.

"Does it really work?" she asks.

"Yes, it does," responds the pharmacist. "I've tried it myself."

"Can you get it over-the-counter?"

He blushes: "Well, if I take two, I can."

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[anon21]

Etiquette for chaps - if you are thinking of visiting the UK then here are a few tips

Handshaking is never wrong. It should be firm, but brief, and offered without delay.

However, squeezing or putting your left hand on top is just creepy.

Any complex "ghetto style" manoeuvre is to be avoided ... even if you're black ... and especially if he's black and you're not.

You've been through a lot together, turning around that two-goal deficit, and really gelling as a team etc, but it's still not acceptable "to let it all hang out" gunslinger style in the changing room afterwards.

Whilst we English are fast catching up with authentic Finnish practices, discarding your towel and birching total strangers in the sauna is likely to raise eyebrows in even the most broadminded leisure centre.

When on public transport, you should only sit next to a stranger on a double seat when all unoccupied seats have been taken.

Animals on public transport expect to be kicked.

Frottage: it's not just for the ladies. If it happens 3 times it is No Coincidence and you are free to defend yourself as you see fit.

Arrive early at a friend's gig, play, experimental dance workshop. He will then know that you've made the effort to drag yourself away from the telly.

Afterwards, never tell the truth even if specifically requested. Don't worry, he will be high on adrenalin and will believe anything you say.

Don't praise others in the cast/group even if your friend was only Third Spear Carrier/the bassist.

Funny dancing isn't funny.

Always stick to music from your era.

Assuming the classic three/four berth set-up: first man to enter the urinal should take the one furtherest from the door; second man in takes the one nearest to the door; third man in should use a cubicle.

Only approach the inner urinal(s) when all cubicles are full.

Whilst at the urinal, keep your eyes up at all times. This does not apply when your neighbour is a celebrity. On such occasions a surrepticious glance is fine.

If the lift stops don't be lulled into a false sense of intimacy. Lifts can now be repaired in minutes; regret can last a lifetime.

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[anon21]

Etiquette for chapesses - if you are thinking of bringing the missus over too

Don't attempt to clap in time to the music and do not make whooping noises no matter how good a time you are having.

Never dance alone or with another woman to a slow song; if nobody asked you to dance then make a dignified exit.

If a man wants to dance idiotically in front of you, let him. Hell be happy and youll look all the more graceful by contrast.

If you think its time to get sexy to a Tom Jones number, sit down and drink a nice cold glass of water.

Be sure to tell a close friend that she has lost weight and looks younger than ever.You will be lying and she knows this, but will say the same back to you.

If you are not close friends then offer your cheek and let her kiss you. Do not waste your lipstick kissing women.

If greeting a neighbour with whom you have rivalry, give her three kisses (right, left, right).This shows that you have travelled recently in Continental Europe.

Handshakes are only for men or for the kind of women who might as well be.

When in the sauna or steam room, keep your knees together, your feet on the ground, your eyes on the floor and your hands clasped in your lap at all times.

When you are changing in a gym, always use your locker door as a changing screen to hide behind.

Never parade. If you have a fantastic body, other women will resent you for showing them up. If you are flabby, they will resent you for reminding them of what they have become.

Any conversation while naked must be restricted to beauty products and the facilities at the gym. Dont get personal.

Only bold Continental women take their knickers off for a massage. Spare a thought for the masseuse and keep them on.

When out shopping with a friend and she picks out a canary yellow dress because it's so this season, tell her she looks fabulous in it. There is absolutely no point in telling her the truth.

If the child's parents have boring hippy rules about junk food and sugar, dont give the kid a bar of chocolate unless youre absolutely certain nobody can see you.

If a friend's child has any questions about the birds and the bees while you're in sole charge, pretend to be busy.

You should never try and be cool in front of children by talking about Eminem or playing Xbox with them. They will just think you are weird.

When you want everybody to hear your rendition of American Pie, its time to go home.

When his mother's not looking, flirt with the father. It's a fail-safe.

The only physical affection you may show your partner in front of his parents is a bit of handholding. Any more than that and you'll be dismissed as a shameless hussy.

When it comes to his upbringing, they didn't put a foot wrong.

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[anon21]

If only the gentle thread of English humour ran through all our tax inspectors:

Funny Money

Chris Addison

Saturday September 27, 2003

[letter to The Guardian]

There follows the text of a letter which I received last Wednesday, second post:

Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more-than-prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.

I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland Revenue, have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer, I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and puissant gas-mongers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised.

In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lack wit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores", whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system".

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money. Please forward it by Friday.

Yours sincerely,

H J Lee

Customer Relations.

Greetings from over the Silver Sea