A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "###### off, you won't bring it back."

A woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust bigger. He said 'try rubbing toilet paper between your tits, it's worked for your arse'.

What do you call an anorexic woman with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese.

Once upon a time there was a young Prince who never got married.

And he lived happily ever after.

Sex and violence:

"Eat shit and die mutherfkr!", she said.

Yes? No?

A man wins $10 million in the lottery and tells his wife to hurry and pack a suitcase. "For winter or summer?" the wife asked excitedly. "Anything you like", replied the husband, "###### Off!"

Harry I hope the Chinese appreciate your mind.

Mna walks into a bar... "ouch that <deleted> hurt" he said

Two newly weds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite,

the receptionist asks 'do you have reservations?'

The bride answers 'Yes, I won't take it up the arse'!

Good one!

A submediant chord walks into a bar.

The bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve minors."

Sex and violence:

"Eat shit and die mutherfkr!", she said.

Yes? No?

No.

A man rang up a telecom company and said "I want to report a nuisance caller", the operator said "Not you again".

totster

a guy calls his boss and said "i cant come to work today,i'm sick"

"how sick are you?"

"i'm only after sleeping with my sister"

What do you get when you cross a donkey and peanut butter?

A piece of a$$ that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

An Englishman, an Australian and an American walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Is this some kind of a joke"

What do you get when you cross an Australian with a gorilla?

A stupid gorilla.

What do you call an Australian with an IQ of 180?

A village.

What do you call an Aussie with 2 brain cells

gifted

Little girl gets lost and is found wandering around manchester city centre , policeman comes up to her and asks her 'what's your mum like?'

Little girl replies 'Big cocks and vodka'.

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says, " I just had a silent fart... what do you think I should do?"

He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says, " I just had a silent fart... what do you think I should do?"

He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

A lady went into a butcher shop complaining about some hot dogs she had just bought. "The middle is meat," she exclaimed, "but the ends are sawdust!"

"Well," said the butcher. "These days it's hard to make ends meat."

Ok i'll get me coat.

Little Johnny is watching TV and mum gets out of the shower in a hurry and dropps her towel.

To her mortification she is having her period.

Little johnny points at her and asks "Whats that mun"

Mum is so embarrased and very angry so she puts him in his place and says "Oh thats where your dad hit me with the Axe"

Little Johnny repies "Oh Good shot mum - right in the <deleted>"

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"

when I was in china recently I purchaced a book called How to Woo thinking I could brush up on my seduction techniques ..... only when I got home I discovered I had volume 2 of the phone book...

Two nuns in a bath.

First nun: Where's the soap?

Second nun: Yes it does.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Is that your face?

or did your neck throw up!!!

Is that your face or is your neck blowing bubbles?

Woke up this morning, had a shit, best part of me gone so i went back to bed

how do you know E.T was an aussie

he looked like one