The Lizard

[alvino]

I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was

"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in

his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick" he told me, " I'm serious Dad,

can you help?

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him

into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying in his

back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey" I called, "come look at the lizard"

"Oh my gosh", my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having

babies"

"What???" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie,

Mom!!!!!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey how can that be? I thought we said we

didn't want them to reproduce " I accused my wife.

"Well what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she

inquired. ( I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

" No, but! you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her ,

(in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth

together)

"Yeah , Bert & Ernie!" my son agreed

"Well it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know" she

informed me. ( again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.

I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going

to be a wondrous experience", I announced. " We're about to

witness the miracle of birth"

"Oh , gross!!!!" they shrieked.

"Well isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a liter

of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

( I really do think she was snotty here, too don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a

tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress" I noted.

"It's breech" my wife whispered, horrified.

" Do something, Dad!!!" my son urged.....

" Okay, okay" Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when

it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug..... It disappeared..

I tried this several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they

could talk us through the trauma."

( You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet " I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breath, Ernie, breath, he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze" his mother noted to him. ( Women

can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is

one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room & peered at the

little animal through a magnifying glass....

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh , very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. & Mrs. Cameron, may I

speak to you in private for a moment?" ...... I gulped, nodding

for my son to step out side.

"Is Ernie going to be ok ?" my wife asked

"Oh ,perfectly", the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor.

In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen..... Ernie is a boy. You

see Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into

maturity, like most male species, they um..... um.......

masturbate. Just the way he did , lying on his back". He blushed,

glancing at my wife.

"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron"

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just..... just...... excited" my wife offered

"Exactly" the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence......... Then...... MY viscous, cruel wife stared to

giggle..... and giggle....... Then even laugh loudly.......

"What's so funny? " I demanded, knowing, but not wanting to

believe that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront

to my.........flawless manliness..........

Tears were now running down her face.... " It's just.........

that........ I'm picturing you pulling on it's...... teeny little...."

she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter one more.

"That's enough" I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled

the lizards and our son into the car....... He was glad everything

was going to be ok. ..... " I know Ernie's really thankful for what

you've done Dad," He told me.

"OHHHH you have NO idea" my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter........

2- lizards = $140........

1- cage = $50......

Trip to the Vet = $30.........

Memory of your husband pulling on lizard's wacker.......

PRICELESS......

[TopChinese]

[cowboygwe]

you said it!!

[cuddleypete]

good one