Would YOU live with your parents-in-law?

[cnx37]

I have been in CNX for 12 years - been with my wife for 10 years. I am 66yo - we live in a condo in central CNX.

I have throat cancer - stage 4 - in remission - serious after-effects from radiotherapy - no more they can do.

We are moving up-country, building a "retirement home" & cohabitating with PIL. Of course, the wife (an only child) likes the idea. Me - seems OK - but I have zero experience in this area.

I doubt that I will see another 10 years. PIL seem to be a "nice" couple - hard workers - not bludgers - honest, sincere.

BIGGEST ISSUE!

Living in the same place as PIL. We can afford a separate pad - the house would be "big" - breathing space. Both my wife & I "like" the idea of communal living (academic for me)- note that there are no other brothers/sisters - 4 pax. PIL will be working all day. Wife will work p/t with parents. I will have my own space!

COMMENTS/EXPERIENCES?

[bristolgeoff]

it is a thai thing if you marry a foreigner and you buy a big house.it is better than they other house.so the parents move in simple

[neverdie]

OP,

Years ago I lived with my FIL. At the time we wer renovating our old house and had stripped the roof off and were attending to some repairs to my old shack..EVERYTIME I turned around something else needed to be done,so a planned few weeks turned I to a few months. It was okay. He's a great guy but can be a bit of a pain int the arse at times, he says the same thing about me.

Anyway, it didn't make much difference to me, as we both live on the same 50 Rai property with only a few fish lakes and fields in between, but sometimes living under the same roof as someone else can be a bit of an experience, even if you know them well.

If you are going to build near your inlaws, then you are going to get to know them a lot more anyway because your home will become an extension of there's, for so e people this could lead to problems. If you are the kind of guy to walk around in your jocks scratching ur a*se then I would not consider it as little things western people do can offend and visa versa. My FIL use to love getting up and cooking me breakfast in the morning, loudly banging and clashing pans, singing and then thumping on my door at 4.45am so I could enjoy a natter with him before he left for work. Anyway, it won't work for everyone, so be careful if you think there might be some issues.

I wish you all the best with your present health issues. I hope you keep that b*stard at bay for many years to come.

[beachproperty]

In general ...my response would be to say ...NO way...Too many Generals!

That being said ...You seem pretty mellow and easy to get along with (a kinda "go with the flow" sort). With the In Laws gone most of the day, and if the house is big enough for you to scoot away if you need privacy when their there....I would say...NO problem ....On the plus side your wife is going to be happy ...."Happy wife....Happy Life"......Also its the Thai way....families living together...

[krisb]

I would let them live in a seperate place/granny flat type setup.

Not in the same house...ever.

Note, we aren't all the same, and nor are our inlaws.

[AnotherOneAmerican]

Don't do it!

Thai village living is not for western people.

Forget privacy, you won't have any, they use the toilet with the door open, or come in to take a shower while you are having a dump.

Mom will likely be walking around topless after a few weeks (that's the way it is in Fang).

Your standards of hygiene and basic cleanliness will be affronted at every turn.

Finished your shower gel, no need to find a bin, nearest outside door or window is fine.

But if you do do it, be sure to post back after the event, so I can hear any new shockers you discover.

What KrisB says at the minimum.

Build two small houses well apart on a reasonable plot of land.

This gives you privacy, and them properties that can be used after you have gone.

[stoneyboy]

My biggest concern would be for the work load that will undoubtedly be put onto your wife,I can imagine you will see less of her as her instinct will be to take care of her ageing parents.

She will be cooking,cleaning and taking care of there daily needs,shopping,paying the bills running them around etc etc.

While having to also take care of yourself who has been in bad health,I have seen it first hand when I had a spell at the in laws,my then GF became like the house slave,needless to say we didn't hang around to long.

That's without worrying about the little things other posters have mentioned,peace and quiet can be hard to find around Thais,my previous in laws could never understand why I wanted to go sit in the bedroom alone just me the air con and tv.

[cloudhopper]

Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do, and it looks to me like you will be able to do whatever it is you gotta do to make it work.

[robblok]

OP,

Years ago I lived with my FIL. At the time we wer renovating our old house and had stripped the roof off and were attending to some repairs to my old shack..EVERYTIME I turned around something else needed to be done,so a planned few weeks turned I to a few months. It was okay. He's a great guy but can be a bit of a pain int the arse at times, he says the same thing about me.

Anyway, it didn't make much difference to me, as we both live on the same 50 Rai property with only a few fish lakes and fields in between, but sometimes living under the same roof as someone else can be a bit of an experience, even if you know them well.

If you are going to build near your inlaws, then you are going to get to know them a lot more anyway because your home will become an extension of there's, for so e people this could lead to problems. If you are the kind of guy to walk around in your jocks scratching ur a*se then I would not consider it as little things western people do can offend and visa versa. My FIL use to love getting up and cooking me breakfast in the morning, loudly banging and clashing pans, singing and then thumping on my door at 4.45am so I could enjoy a natter with him before he left for work. Anyway, it won't work for everyone, so be careful if you think there might be some issues.

I wish you all the best with your present health issues. I hope you keep that b*stard at bay for many years to come.

I could never do such a thing as I love my privacy. Maybe if there is a extra room one can go back into.

Right now I got my own father living with me while he escapes my mom and renovates my bathroom. It is for a bit less as a month and I am sure I will miss my alone time.

I also lived with my parents for a while before moving to Thailand and I was happy I could retreat to my bedroom at times as sitting in the same living room with my own parents was nice but not something I would want to repeat each and every day.

I think we are all different, and these were my own parents and no language barrier ect.

[Hog Head]

Build a house you and the wife, and a big 4 car garage with a 1-2 br. suite over top - think carriage house

Separate living with privacy for you, but close for the wife

When you are gone, the carriage house becomes a revenue centre

[cnx37]

bristolgeoff, krisb, AnotheroneAmerican, stoneyboy, cloudhopper etc

Thanks a heap for your input!

I can stay in CNX - ladynight - every night!

The journey so far with Thai wife - >10 years - a record by far (& enjoyable)!

Making a stand ie not living with parents brings another set of problems. I have already put my foot in the water (can always take it out) - but still wet!

Thai families - natural! Whichever decision one makes, there is a set of problems to resolve - that is "living life on life's terms". Granny flat, 20-500km away, same house, big house v small house - whatever! "cloudhopper" explains it succinctly!

When I arrived in CNX, I lived in a guesthouse (B4k/mth) - the honeymoon period - excellent memories.

[cnx37]

AnotherOneAmerican et al

This is not over by a long shot! You may "suffer" this for years - decades.

Maybe I am a fool - maybe I am a genius.

Given my cancer "fun", life is not that exciting anyway. Having a larger house - no problem for me. Master bedroom upstairs; another bedroom - downstairs; lounge room; TV room - I can get "lost" easily. Construction - FIL & wife will take major responsibility - I have veto. During the day - no problem for another 10 years - family working.

Cleaning house - not my problem - sexist - "woman's work" - or outside paid worker.

Big $$$ - not really. CNX condo - about the same.

There is a grandmother (widow) - FIL's side. She insists on living in her own home. Her monthly pension - B800/mth? I enjoy buying her milk; upgraded her TV from a 14" B&W to a 29" (color)(a few years ago) - never met her!

[krisb]

Mate, do what your heart says, what you feel comfortable doing.

Best of luck.

[cnx37]

krisb

"Do what your heart says" - I agree - but my heart changes like the weather - BS!

My mind is made up but still appreciate any input - can always modify/adjust.

Condo (CNX) is on the market - very quiet - current political situation & not the silly season.

Footings have commenced - another plan is WIP - better now than later.

In fact, this "minor event" has given me a new lease on life - that is a +++!

I am looking forward to -

a) hosing the garden

riding a bicycle

c) learning to ride a m/c

d) integrating with the local community (farang & Thai)

e) better climate, less pollution

f) nahm tahoo - haven't had any for at least 7 years.

Surprisingly, there has not been much input from the Fang farang community - where are you?

[neverdie]

OP,

Years ago I lived with my FIL. At the time we wer renovating our old house and had stripped the roof off and were attending to some repairs to my old shack..EVERYTIME I turned around something else needed to be done,so a planned few weeks turned I to a few months. It was okay. He's a great guy but can be a bit of a pain int the arse at times, he says the same thing about me.

Anyway, it didn't make much difference to me, as we both live on the same 50 Rai property with only a few fish lakes and fields in between, but sometimes living under the same roof as someone else can be a bit of an experience, even if you know them well.

If you are going to build near your inlaws, then you are going to get to know them a lot more anyway because your home will become an extension of there's, for so e people this could lead to problems. If you are the kind of guy to walk around in your jocks scratching ur a*se then I would not consider it as little things western people do can offend and visa versa. My FIL use to love getting up and cooking me breakfast in the morning, loudly banging and clashing pans, singing and then thumping on my door at 4.45am so I could enjoy a natter with him before he left for work. Anyway, it won't work for everyone, so be careful if you think there might be some issues.

I wish you all the best with your present health issues. I hope you keep that b*stard at bay for many years to come.

I could never do such a thing as I love my privacy. Maybe if there is a extra room one can go back into.

Right now I got my own father living with me while he escapes my mom and renovates my bathroom. It is for a bit less as a month and I am sure I will miss my alone time.

I also lived with my parents for a while before moving to Thailand and I was happy I could retreat to my bedroom at times as sitting in the same living room with my own parents was nice but not something I would want to repeat each and every day.

I think we are all different, and these were my own parents and no language barrier ect.

Yeah I understand what you are saying. At the time we were renovating and it was just easy to be a few hundred yards from the house, meant I could head over there and 'supervise' the goings on with certain stuff.

I had my own room at the FIL's and he and I go a lot of places together anyway as we share a lot of similar interests. My wife reakons she felt like the third wheel......I told her to stop talking and get back in the kitchen . My FIL finds me amusing, the wife less so

[Chiengmaijoe]

I come from a large family so having people around is normal for me, but I do also value a bit of privacy occasionally. I built a house here and designed it specifically for my parents in law to stay with us, and that seemed natural to me. My wife's sister and two young boys also moved in. I was only early thirties but the parents were late sixties or so. I don't why, but it was generally accepted that I was the head of the house although I did try to let Pa have enough say to make him feel important. I had no problems whatsoever and wouldn't have changed a thing. The parents have both passed away, as did the sister so now it is me and the missus, plus my two boys and their wives and a grandson, what could be better?

Although we live right in town we are on a small soi that is quite closely knit, with mostly better off people that, on the whole, are very pleasant but still pretty much keep themselves to themselves, other than at funerals and hous-warnings etc. it is a perfect set up in my eyes but of course everyone is different.

Since you have some health issues then I would have thought that the more people around you the better. Also, should your health decline then you and your wife will have both moral and physical support. Maybe that is why your wife wants to be near her family at this time.

Despite the negativity that is often put across on this forum I can assure you that plenty of foreigners here are happily living with their Thai family . It seems natural to me to live as part of a big family, and of course it is normal for Thais to live with their parents but whether it suits you depends on how open-minded, tolerant and positive you are. Good luck.

[northernjohn]

For myself I would have a hard time with it. Unless of course it was because I needed the medical attention around the clock.

I have a wife and she spends a great deal of time with her mother and family leaving me a lot of my own time which I like. Her family only lives half a kilometer away. I personally see no problem with it if you get along well with them and are not a very private person such as am.

[krisb]

krisb

"Do what your heart says" - I agree - but my heart changes like the weather - BS!

My mind is made up but still appreciate any input - can always modify/adjust.

Condo (CNX) is on the market - very quiet - current political situation & not the silly season.

Footings have commenced - another plan is WIP - better now than later.

In fact, this "minor event" has given me a new lease on life - that is a +++!

I am looking forward to -

a) hosing the garden

riding a bicycle

c) learning to ride a m/c

d) integrating with the local community (farang & Thai)

e) better climate, less pollution

f) nahm tahoo - haven't had any for at least 7 years.

Surprisingly, there has not been much input from the Fang farang community - where are you?

I'm in Australia mate.

Your condo is in Chiang Mai is it?

[cnx37]

northernjohn

Privacy? That is something which I will not know until I have experienced it. I can always "escape" as required. FIL & MIL work all day.

I get along with FIL & MIL - but no day-in-day-out experience. My Thai is so-so - their English - worse. my wife - bilingual & interpreter. Re FIL/MIL, there is not a lot to talk about? In fact, absolutely nothing comes to mind re FIL/MIL chit-chat. Sabai dee mai? Dee.

I do not lose sleep over it - my wife is ecstatic (a +++ for me?)

If the "s..t" hits the fan, I can always bunk in with you! Thanks mate.

[cnx37]

Krisb

"Come on Aussie, come on!"

Condo is in CNX - for sale - not for rent (B6+m)- 164sqm - 14th floor - Huay Kaew Rd.

I am ex BNE & ex GC.

LOS is HOME!

[naboo]

Don't do it!

Thai village living is not for western people.

Forget privacy, you won't have any, they use the toilet with the door open, or come in to take a shower while you are having a dump.

Mom will likely be walking around topless after a few weeks (that's the way it is in Fang).

Your standards of hygiene and basic cleanliness will be affronted at every turn.

Finished your shower gel, no need to find a bin, nearest outside door or window is fine.

But if you do do it, be sure to post back after the event, so I can hear any new shockers you discover.

What KrisB says at the minimum.

Build two small houses well apart on a reasonable plot of land.

This gives you privacy, and them properties that can be used after you have gone.

Which village did you go to? Doesn't sound like any village I've seen. Odd post.

Privacy is an issue, OP needs to find a corner and claim it, stick a lock on it and make sure everyone knows its his. Unless he's not concerned by privacy.

[theDukes]

I'm not even going to read what all the other posters have written mainly because I saw one poster saying don't do it. I will give you my honest educated opinion.

As the husband of an only child or a husband of the youngest female in a family in Thailand it was your traditional duty to live with the parents of you wife and support them into their old age. It traditionally was her job to take care of them. Upon their passing all of their assets would go to you and your wife.

Build the house. They will take care of you and you will take care of them. If you must make your own room or have your own tv and computer. Sure you will have to pay the expenses of the household and if you can not then that is another problem. Sounds like you can.

Enjoy yourself and enjoy the village/simple life. Nothing wrong with that.

Dave

[northernjohn]

northernjohn

Privacy? That is something which I will not know until I have experienced it. I can always "escape" as required. FIL & MIL work all day.

I get along with FIL & MIL - but no day-in-day-out experience. My Thai is so-so - their English - worse. my wife - bilingual & interpreter. Re FIL/MIL, there is not a lot to talk about? In fact, absolutely nothing comes to mind re FIL/MIL chit-chat. Sabai dee mai? Dee.

I do not lose sleep over it - my wife is ecstatic (a +++ for me?)

If the "s..t" hits the fan, I can always bunk in with you! Thanks mate.

Well you can drop in for a visit but the nights we always share.

[mesquite]

The farangs I have known who moved to small towns have slowly, but surely, gone insane.

IMHO farang brains are not wired to deal with the daily issues that come up in the *real* Thai culture. We try to make sense of it all and we eventually short circuit.

Your wife's relatives and their friends will realize their sweet dreams of sitting on the floor, jabbering on endlessly in the local language, eating local food, and drinking whiskey (all at your expense). It will be your nightmare, the first of many. The total lack of farang contact will seal your fate.

[cnx37]

theDukes - you have a quality reputation in CNX. Unfortunately, I cannot enjoy your menu (throat cancer) - cannot swallow - 5 years now.

"honest educated opinion" - welcomed!

I am 66yo - PIL/MIL - 60. I may well pre-decease them!

Succession planning - all in order.

Build the house - decided - YES! There have been minor matters - resolved.

I take care of them & reciprocal - already in place. In the past, I have given them a "helping hand" - no coercion. FIL plans to work until he is 70 - take care of me!

TV & computer - there will be a few TVs - maybe 2 computers.

Expenses - no problem. Our monthly condo charge is >B4000 - it will be zero. That is just a start.

Quality of life/other intangibles - all good - Rose-colored glasses (I do not think so).

Enjoy myself - very much - riding a bicycle, hosing the garden, learning to ride a m/c + ? - all good!

Village/simple life - a huge desire!

[CWMcMurray]

It's better if they live with you than if you live with them...

If they come to live in your house, of course they will be more willing to change a bit to accept your household norms

Of course if you go live in their home, then you will need to adjust to their norms

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[cnx37]

northernjohn, mesquite & CWMcMurray

NJ - thanks for the offer! Do I need to make a reservation or just try "pot luck"?

mesquite - I appreciate your frank comments - response provided - not a debate.

CWM - a late entry! Agree! I am paying - wife's house (of course). I will need to "stand firm" or suffer the consequences - our norms (it just depends).

My wife & I did not meet in Pattaya last month. We have known each other for about 10 years.

a)farangs moving to a small town - I am already insane.

b)wife's relatives & friends - never met the friends. Family - we take it in turns at a restaurant (I do not eat much). Yes, years ago, I provided financial support - no coercion - very much appreciated. FIL - now 60 - intends to work until he is 70 - to support me.

c) sitting on the floor - OK by me - up to them. With a previous g/f, I used to join in - not now.

d) jabbering on endlessly in local language - yes, a problem. My Thai is limited. My wife is bilingual. FIL/MIL - Thai only - except happpppy bird-daaaaaaay. Really, my problem to solve. I have no need to be a participant in all activities.

e) eating local food - no problem in the past - enjoyed - including insects, grasshoppers. Now, I have throat cancer - no solids!

f) drinking local whiskey - no problem. FIL - low consumer. MIL - non-drinker. Relatives - no idea. PIL pretty well keep to themselves except grandma (age 84) - any interest? - she is a widow - own home - many termites.

g)total lack of farang contact - now fairly limited - cancer. Most communication is by telephone & internet. From what I hear, there are about 20 farangs living in the town. One, two or three will be ample.

h) all at my expense - there will be a house-warming - I am told maybe 200 guests. Estimated budget is B40-50k - we have agreed - 50/50. This is a once-off! Other - I am confident that all will be worked out.

i) my wife is a home-lover. Partying - immediate family only - lunch, dinner occasionally. With acquaintances, "dutch" - 50/50 - B200-300 per person - no "free lunches". In the past, I have been the "silly ol fool" - my farang family - touched me up big time. My wife advised against it. FOOL, FOOL, FOOL - ME!

[AnotherOneAmerican]

How is the internet in the area you plan to live?

I can't tell you, none of my lot had it.

Too newfangled for them.

One of the first considerations I had for buying a house, no internet no sale.

I have fibre optic 3bb available, if I ever felt the need.

[cnx37]

AOA

Currently, I use TOT in CNX - OK. Recently, changed to wi-fi - similar to land-line.

I have been advised by a Fang resident to utilize 3BBB - local knowledge - he changed from TOT.

[jaideeguy]

No Way Jose!! I won't even live in the same province as them and I made it clear in the beginning that was the way it would be and at first, the wife pouted, but now she is glad it's that way. We just have totally different lifestyles and so many problem$ will arise, especially since you are the falang paying the bills.