My work situation...

I work in a field that takes me away from home.

My home situation...

We have two kids, one is nearly 3, one is 3 months.

The problems...

My inlaws live in my home, they have no other home, and my wife needs her mum to help with the kids. Fair enough.

My problem...

WHen I am home, I am living in a house that I paid for, yet I do not own. I am a visitor in my own <deleted> house. When I am away I call my wife and everytime my mother in law anser the phone. Doesn't sound like much much, but when I call my own home I want my wife to answer, I do not want to have to ask my mother in law if I can speak to my wife.

There are about 20 people registered on our tabian baan.

I sometimes want to call it quits, but I love my two kids too much. How can I put up with my in laws?

The other day, on Skype with webcam I was a bit p1ssed and decided to show my wife my manhood (as us blokes do on webcam, when we have not seen our wives for a while) When I hung it out she started laughing. Turns out the ######ing mother in law is sleeping in our bed and saw my pride and glory.

It is my <deleted> home, for my <deleted> family.

I am at a loss how to deal with this situation without divorce.

Suggestions?

Ooops !

Im sure you gave her a good laugh .

When im home in Thailand I have close to the same thing . There is always famly members staying over ( hers ) and the only place I have to go is the smallest bedroom . I call it MY office . That is where the computer is . But everytime I leave there is something new in there that is not mine , I didn't buy it and it usually has some kind of flowers on it . They do take over your house but I told her last time I wil change the lock on the bedroom door . Yeah , I was tough . We left and I locked the door , got a call a few days later . The large garbage can of rice was locked in my office and the family needed it or it would go to waste by the time we got back . Broke down the door and I had to pay for that too .

It looks like you will have to build them a house .

Well first, welcome back to Bedlam, tuky.

Jeff stole my advice . . . buy them their own house.

Not really the best advice since your mum-in-law still needs to help with the kids. If you want to know my honest opinion I think your attitude of "this is my house" is largely to blame. Let's face it, you're married to not only a Thai but to Thai culture, also. You have to fit in. You can lament all you want about the fact that you paid for the home but do not own it. You were aware of the terms of this arrangement before you married into it so you can't rightly complain about it now.

Perhaps you don't want the rest of the family living with you but as long as they are then simply make the best of it. That means dropping the expectation of privacy that your wife and yourself would otherwise enjoy if you were alone together. Your episode of 'hanging your pride and glory' out for your wife is just such an example of unreasonable expectation that you have total privacy. You don't. On the other hand, had I been in this situation I would have found it highly humourous and would have heartily laughed it off. Of course, that's the difference that attitude makes. It's a huge difference.

Seriously, if this situation is the only difficulty regarding your marriage it would be a shame to throw an otherwise good thing away simply because you can't find a solution to a 'minor' dilemma. My apologies for greatly down-sizing what is obviously a 'big' problem in your eyes. I'd recommend a jai yen yen attitude and drop any and all animosity towards the rest of your relatives. The animosity will not serve you well, regardless of how well justified it seems to you. If you lose respect for the other family members you'll be creating an uphill battle in trying to find amiable solutions to any of your specific problems, and that will also strain the relationship between your wife and yourself. Never go to war unless you're willing to incur personal damage. There are always peaceful solutions to any problem.

What I have found is that appreciation is the key to any relationship - be it wife/husband, business, or any other. You purposely look for and focus on aspects of people that are 'good,' meaning something about an individual which pleases you. Appreciation fosters respect. Between the two they will greatly help you deal with any situation. BTW, don't forget appreciation and respect for yourself. You never sacrafice that, either.

In case you doubt my advice I'll mention that I've been with my Thai wife going on 5 years and we've never had a single argument, fight or bad word between us. I'm not at all wanting to brag by bringing that up, and maybe I'm just fortunate enough to have learned what works in relationships and what doesn't, but I do apply my own advice to my life - it obviously works very well.

Choke dee mak mak, tuky.

I disagree with the above post.

The situation that you are in, I would find intolerable. Yes, we live in Thailand, but we are Westerners and need some privacy. As far as I'm concerned, Thailand and being sensitive to Thai ways starts at the front gate.

Try and discuss this with your wife. Is there an alternative place that the in-laws can stay? How about hiring one member of the family, or, an outsider to be a maid and helper to your wife.

If the in-laws truly don't have any other place to stay, then the only thing is to build them a house. Upcountry would be best, where land prices and construction costs are lower. Let them know they can visit for limited periods.

I believe you work offshore, the same as I do and we deserve the time to kick-back and enjoy our home and our family after extended time away in not so comfortable surroundings. You are the bread-winner and thus have status. Time to start using it.

It is your house and I understand your need for privacy. When you are home you just have to be firm and lay down some ground rules concerning your privacy. When you are away however your wife is not going to employ any rules against her mother and father. They are still her parents, she will still listen to them and they will run amok inside the house. There is nothing you can do about that and shouldn't expect to be doing much about it either.

This is why when my wife and I talked about having a house in her hometown, I said we would need our own house and it would locked at all times if we were not there with me having the only key. Also no one gets to live with us. I simply wouldnt allow it.

Until you are in LOS 24/7 your wife needs help with the girls but why not suggest to your wife that when you are home, the in laws go to visit other family members for at least a couple of weeks, that way, they are still around to help tuky when you aren't but you have the privacy & alone time you need with the wife & kids.

Or else, build an extension, like a granny annex & tell the wife that they are to live there at times when you are around & are only allowed in the the main house for dinner times or if invited.?? I personaly like the holiday senario though, as it will be a nice break for them & give you the space you need.

A real talk with your wife though sounds like it is needed, as she obviously doesn't think of them as intruding & only she can tell them what boundaries there has to be when you are home.

Hi Tuky...

Sounds like a bit of a situation you have there. In order for you to have your space they are gonna need their space. This is why I like Boos suggestion of an extension or granny annexe to the house. Once this is done, express your wishes that the main house is your home and the annexe/extension is theirs, make sure it is known that this has been done with the sole reason of being able to get some privacy. Of course they are not banned from the main house, but rather when in the main house they are guests. The way I see it is that as this is their home so to speak, they treat it as their home.

Also, speak to your wife, tell her your concerns, she will have a lot of clout with the family... and probably be able to explain things to them.. I can't imagine she would let this continue if she knew how you feel and how much it bothers you.

Yes.. in Thailand family is very important, and thais quite often live together in one house... it's their way.. but saying that, in the village the older children in the family normally build their own place when married and have kids... it's the youngest that stays in the family house. So, if your wife is the youngest child there may be some kind of obligation.. just a thought...

I have no experience with the annexe/extension idea, but it's probably what I'd in similar circumstances.. talk it over with the missus..see what she says..

chok dee

totster

why does she need help with the kids?

I may sound a bit harsh, she isnt working and is not disabled so where is the need reith?

Tuky, please put your foot down man. Don't let it get further out of hand than it already has.

Good luck fella, you've got fookin loads of support on here fella, never be afraid to ask.

redrus

Tuky, I read your post just before I crashed last night, and was thinking about it all in bed.

Now I find my suggestions have been stolen

There's been some good advice written here, and most of us are thinking along the same lines.

What I was thinking last night is how hard it is to give good advice when we don't know all the circumstances at play - but we can only advise on the facts you have given us, and if we're a bit wide of the mark, then of course you will understand.

One thing, which I am sure you are aware of, is not only do Thais like to live together, they positively hate being alone. In my previous marriage (to a Thai) in England, my wife would always have a daughter sleep with her when I was away, and she could never stay anywhere alone. Her mother (who also lived in England) was worse. If she came to stay for a few days, she couldn't even sleep in a bedroom alone - she had to sleep on the floor next to our double bed! A lot of this is due to superstition (fear of ghosts) and is widespread amonst most Thais. So there was nothing unusual about your Ma in law sleeping with your wife.

In my previous marriage, we had a 4 bedroom house in Bang Saen. The wife wanted her Dad and step mum to come and live there, but she was the one to suggest a granny annex. The garden wasn't huge, but was big enough to contain the annex, and we built a beautiful one, comprising, lounge, bedroom and bathroom for a few hundred K. It worked exactly how one of the posters said -when we were there, they stayed in their annex, when we were away, they had the run of the house, but still slept in the annex. Even to this day, when I vsit them, they sleep in the annex, even though the rest of the house is empty 99 % of the time.

You are obviously earning good money, and you could certainly afford to build an annex or indeed a separate house, either near your wife or up country in the home village. It's a bit of an outlay, but might solve the problem and make everyone happy. I built a large 4 bed, 2 storey house up country for my current in laws for just over a million baht and I reckon it was excellent value.

I also have a very large - 6 bedroom- 'estate' in pattaya, but my wife knows the rules - no long term family residents. Sometimes I feel a bit mean by insisting on this rule, as there are so many empty rooms, but as one of the posters said, I am a westerner, and I'm not prepared to compromise my privacy completely. As it is, there is invariable at least one visitor in the house, sometimes a house full (up to 40 on a couple of occasions), and right now we have older sister and her baby there. But my wife knows that in a couple of weeks she has to go. Ironically, as I get older, I feel more disposed to having family around me, and maybe one day I will welcome some of them as permanent gusests - but that's another story.

No one has touched on your statement that "sometimes I want to call it quits" I wonder if I am reading too much into this? Surely you wouldn't say this if there wasn't other issues at play in your mind - not just the in -laws? If it has become a loveless marriage (on either or both sides), then obviously this is a massive problem and you have to think very hard indeed. The kids make the situation even more difficult. I can only recount my own experience. I was in a loveless, very unhappy relationship for 26 years. I stuck it out because of my two daughters - worked myself to the bone, and drank heavily to forget about my unhappiness. When it all finally got too much and I decided to leave, my youngest daughter (who was in therapy) told me that she used to lie in bed for years, hoping and praying that I would leave her mother and take her with me. My eldest daughter (who was then married) told me I should have left her years ago. If only I had know how they felt. Your situation is not mine, but the point I am making is that if the relationship is truly lovelesss and unhappy, then somehow you should bite the bullet and do something. Maybe you can come to a good arrangement with you wife for access, joint custody, etc. It would depend on what kind of person she is. Anyway, I'm sorry if I am way off mark, and none of this is relevant - just ignore my comments (which I'm sure you will ).

Two final things.

A nannny or nurse maid will cost 4 - 5k month plus food a room and board. Much better than in - laws, from the point of view of privacy.

I am feeling better about my drinking now than I have done in years, and that's all

down to my new family situation - not perfect, but a million times better than the old one.

Something to think about anyway.

Good luck mate.

Or else, build an extension, like a granny annex & tell the wife that they are to live there at times when you are around & are only allowed in the the main house for dinner times or if invited

This sounds like the best idea to me.

They give a little. You give a lot (of money to build the annex), but everybody should end up happy.

I think I would ask if anyone else was looking before I revealed my willie to the wife via the internet....this is only hypothetical since I've never had the urge to do this nor have I ever been asked to do this...I think it might be a type of perversion but I'm no expert on perversions so maybe some of the real perverts here in bedlam could advise us better as to its perversity quotient.

Go ahead and build the annex......in Burma

I think I would ask if anyone else was looking before I revealed my willie to the wife via the internet....this is only hypothetical since I've never had the urge to do this nor have I ever been asked to do this...I think it might be a type of perversion but I'm no expert on perversions so maybe some of the real perverts here in bedlam could advise us better as to its perversity quotient.

Seems the urge is more common than we realised Chownah. Was sitting in an Internet cafe the other evening and looked up for a minute, only to see something rather gross on the screen in the next row in front. A web-cam picture in one corner revealed a self-applied hand shandy well underway, while the other window in the opposite corner was a hand rubbing a pair of not v. well developed tits through a shirt. My revulsion was complete when I realised that the tit rubber was the person in front of me who turned out to be a katoey, with the occasional "whayyyyy" thown in for good measure.

Put me right off my emailing it did, and I quickly paid up and left, for fear of what image would pop up on the screen in front next. Noticed the shop owner walk past and register what the katoey was up to and do nothing but yim. Probably quite a normal/regular occurence I wouldn't be surprised.

But then that was in a public place, unlike poor old Tuky who wanted a private virtual experience with the Missus and not Mae Yai. Serves him right though for thinking privacy can be obtained in Thailand, espcially when the in-laws move in!

Sir Burr's disagreement with my advice makes me think that perhaps I wasn't too clear. So I'll paraphrase.

You stated, tuky, that your inlaws have no other home and also that your wife's mum helps with the kids, which you admittedly agree is fair enough. Given that is your current situation - your wife's immediate family cohabiting with you - then it must have been a situation that was agreed upon by all at some prior point. Whether you did so relucantly or not I can't say, but the fact logically appears that you did agree.

You further state that when you are home you live in a house paid for by you yet feel that you are merely a visitor. Also, you state that it is your home for your family.

The above shows an obvious contradiction in your feelings which needs to be sorted out. If you had agreed to the current arrangement of the extended family living with you and your wife then, no, for all practical purposes, and in reasonableness and fairness, it is not just your home. The others were invited and by that invitation it is their home as well. Granted they did not pay for it and have no rightful ownership, but that doesn't change the fact that by invitation they were offered to come stay - not as guests but to dwell their equally as if it were their home, also. Yet now there seems to be resentment towards the inlaws due to your lack of privacy - which must have been a foregone conclusion when the arrangement was initally agreed upon.

That is why I mentioned that your attitude of "this is my house" is largely to blame since it is not solely your house at the moment. Yes, you own it and ultimately it is your house, but not as long as others were invited to share the home equally as their own. If you want to now change the arrangement, which you obviously do, then fine. There are quite a few different avenues you can take, as profusely suggested by so many other posters. Shouldn't be much of a problem to make a change, would you agree?

Continuing with my earlier advice, until you implement another arrangement then make the best of the situation. What else can you do???? An expectation that you and your wife can share a house with others and still maintain complete? privacy would be utterly unreasonable. In the meanwhile, you can discuss with your wife and the family your desire to have more privacy under the circumstances and figure out ways to achieve that reasonably.

Keep in mind, though, the differences in the concept of privacy which can be expected between two cultures - Thai and western. Thais are used to cohabiting whereas westerners are not. Neither is right nor wrong so respect should be bestowed to those with differing ideas of what is tolerable, especially considering that you are in Thailand. I pick up a hint of an attitude among some westerners that they feel that Thais are expected to automatically understand western concepts and bend themselves to accommodate rather than the reverse. That is not fitting in with Thai culture but rather an attitude of expecting your hosts to fit in with yours. Nothing wrong with finding some common ground, and it can be found, but woe to those who feel they must will their preferences unto others - and again, especially as the outsider. In the latter case do expect confrontation, resistance, animosity, and a host of other unpleasing and avoidable scenarios to be encountered.

At any rate, I would not recommend adopting a blameful attitude towards the rest of the family for a situation that was agreed upon by you and now found to be not to your liking. Simply change it - there's no need for feelings of hostility nor resentment. Jai yen yen. In time you'll find an amiable solution for all so there's no need to fret. Lead this situation with grace, honour, respect, humour, appreciativeness, consideration, kindness, enthusiasm, and love. Don't whinge about it.

One final comment, as Mobi D'Ark pointed out your statement that "sometimes I want to call it quits" we can easily assume that there is more that is troubling you in your relationship than just the living arrangement and the lack of privacy. Hopefully you are not alluding to anything else. In which case I believe your privacy problem can be remedied without too much grief.

My apologies for the lengthy dissertation but it's all in an effort to help.

Sir Burr's disagreement with my advice makes me think that perhaps I wasn't too clear. So I'll paraphrase.

Oh yes , thats much more clear

Tipp , How many keyboards do you go through a month ?

Sir Burr's disagreement with my advice makes me think that perhaps I wasn't too clear. So I'll paraphrase.

Oh yes , thats much more clear

Tipp , How many keyboards do you go through a month ?

Glad to see you get my points, Jeff.

The characters are all worn away but I know their position by heart.

Sir Burr's disagreement with my advice makes me think that perhaps I wasn't too clear. So I'll paraphrase.

Oh yes , thats much more clear

Tipp , How many keyboards do you go through a month ?

Glad to see you get my points, Jeff.

The characters are all worn away but I know their position by heart.

Well , I got the first few points but then everything went all blurry

The characters are all worn away but I know their position by heart.

Sounds like a well used porno video

My work situation...

I work in a field that takes me away from home.

My home situation...

We have two kids, one is nearly 3, one is 3 months.

The problems...

My inlaws live in my home, they have no other home, and my wife needs her mum to help with the kids. Fair enough.

Do any of them work or are you providing for all?

My problem...

WHen I am home, I am living in a house that I paid for, yet I do not own. I am a visitor in my own <deleted> house. When I am away I call my wife and everytime my mother in law anser the phone. Doesn't sound like much much, but when I call my own home I want my wife to answer, I do not want to have to ask my mother in law if I can speak to my wife.

There are about 20 people registered on our tabian baan.

Do you know all of them? I'd personally wouldn't agree with this at all and there would only be 4 names on it. If one is involved in, let's say, criminal activities, what happens AT and TO your house if something goes down with the law?

I sometimes want to call it quits, but I love my two kids too much. How can I put up with my in laws?

The other day, on Skype with webcam I was a bit p1ssed and decided to show my wife my manhood (as us blokes do on webcam, when we have not seen our wives for a while) When I hung it out she started laughing. Turns out the ######ing mother in law is sleeping in our bed and saw my pride and glory.

It is my <deleted> home, for my <deleted> family.

I am at a loss how to deal with this situation without divorce.

Suggestions?

I remember you saying that your belongings were missing all the time as well when you're back.

I'd have a serious talk with my wife. How can she let anyone wear your shoes and clothes, DVD collections disappearing and more... The whole family seems to have had a drastic change of lifestyle since your arrival and have maybe already forgotten where they came from...

Maybe propose selling the house and living in a small condo and see what kind of reaction you get.

An extension to the house would be wasted time and money... Buying a house across the street may also be a waste of money as the same thing would happen once you're away.

I love my in-laws dearly but could never live with them all under the same roof, I wasn't raised like that and could not ever adapt to it. Sure is a crappy situation you're in mate...

If you are on the way out of this relationship Tuky .... Build yourself a house nearby instead! be close to the kids ... .

My work situation...

I work in a field that takes me away from home.

My home situation...

We have two kids, one is nearly 3, one is 3 months.

The problems...

My inlaws live in my home, they have no other home, and my wife needs her mum to help with the kids. Fair enough.

Do any of them work or are you providing for all?

My problem...

WHen I am home, I am living in a house that I paid for, yet I do not own. I am a visitor in my own <deleted> house. When I am away I call my wife and everytime my mother in law anser the phone. Doesn't sound like much much, but when I call my own home I want my wife to answer, I do not want to have to ask my mother in law if I can speak to my wife.

There are about 20 people registered on our tabian baan.

Do you know all of them? I'd personally wouldn't agree with this at all and there would only be 4 names on it. If one is involved in, let's say, criminal activities, what happens AT and TO your house if something goes down with the law?

I sometimes want to call it quits, but I love my two kids too much. How can I put up with my in laws?

The other day, on Skype with webcam I was a bit p1ssed and decided to show my wife my manhood (as us blokes do on webcam, when we have not seen our wives for a while) When I hung it out she started laughing. Turns out the ######ing mother in law is sleeping in our bed and saw my pride and glory.

It is my <deleted> home, for my <deleted> family.

I am at a loss how to deal with this situation without divorce.

Suggestions?

I remember you saying that your belongings were missing all the time as well when you're back.

I'd have a serious talk with my wife. How can she let anyone wear your shoes and clothes, DVD collections disappearing and more... The whole family seems to have had a drastic change of lifestyle since your arrival and have maybe already forgotten where they came from...

Maybe propose selling the house and living in a small condo and see what kind of reaction you get.

An extension to the house would be wasted time and money... Buying a house across the street may also be a waste of money as the same thing would happen once you're away.

I love my in-laws dearly but could never live with them all under the same roof, I wasn't raised like that and could not ever adapt to it. Sure is a crappy situation you're in mate...

Best answers by far for a difficult scenario.

Building and/or buying more would only aggrevate the problem... and there is certainly no reason to have 20 people to be listed on the tabien baan. As a crucial document, that may have many repercussions that you may not even be aware of. Also, definitely no reason to support ALL of them and to remove any responsibility from their care-free life.

The changes in attitude and personality described remind me of my own ex, who similarly came from nothing yet was happy and who later on was never satisfied with everything.

Difficult as it may be for you to face... your wife is the critical link in all of this and it will be up to her to act as go-between to resolve the calamity in your very unhappy situation. She is the one who is in charge when you're gone and it will be to her to ensure that things remain as you want them in your absence. Unfortunately as she was the one who allowed things to deteriorate in the first place, is she up to the challenge?

Best of luck to you in whatever you decide. You're a good man who doesn't deserve all these headaches.

I have the feeling that deep down you know the solution Reith.

good luck

You sound as though you're at the end of your tether, Tuky, and I, for one, don't blame you... everyone needs space and privacy, especially at home. Personally I couldn't have any of my wife's family living in the house and she knows this. I enjoy my privacy too much and won't put up with it no matter what Thai culture dictates.

The way I see it is, you are number 2 and her family is number 1. She will perhaps always listen to them first and if you put your foot down - ie, telling her you want the family out - you may offend the wife and possibly alienate yourself.

Hiring a maid seems the solution to help out with the kids but that still leaves the problem of getting them out. If you build an annex or buy another place they'll still infiltrate, although would you be happy just for them to not be sleeping there or has it got to the stage that you just don't want them around? I like the idea of getting a condo as penzman suggested, but not great for the kids.

My solution was to move us to the other end of the country and my wife goes back home with our son when she wants for a few weeks at a time negating any need for them to visit us... not that they'd ever find the place.

Best of luck anyway... I feel for you, man.

Bit of a dumb question Tuky, but don't think it's come up yet - have you actually spoke to your missus about any of this? What's her take?

Regardless, you've already got me planning for this possible situation in the future....

Tuky;

I think we should have a conversation about this when you get back.

However, I would suggest that you start talking about selling the house and buying a 3 bedroom Condo with a water view. There are some nice ones around.

One room for you and the wife, and one for each of the kids.

Also I would suggest that it is not possible to her mother as a helper as there will always be the heirarchy, and mum can tell her to do anything.

Therefore Sack the Family of freeloaders and hire a full time maid - it will save you millions in the end

Why not just do without a nanny.

Two kids should be easy enough for a mother to take care of.

The other thing about getting a condo is that you could actually own it.

chaps, it is common for women the world over to get help with the kids from their mother. Lay off the comments about taking care of the kids herself, I imagine she does but likes having her mum around to take the load off sometimes. A toddler & a new baby are ###### hard work.

I am not saying that this gives the inlaws any rights over the house or to take over but without a husband at home every night, I'd imagine she likes the company & security of having family close.