Scientific Love

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand how to deal with women. Now, behavioural scientists have come up with an infallible merit/demerit system to help men manage. Remember, in the world of romance one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes and you get points.

Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here's a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed [+1]

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows [0]

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets [-1]

You replace the toilet paper roll when it runs out [0]

When the toilet paper has run out, you resort to Kleenex [-1]

When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom [-2]

You go out to buy her tampons [+5]

in the snow [+8]

but return with beer [-5]

and no tampons [-25]

You check out a suspicious noise at night [0]

it turns out to be nothing [0]

it turns out to be something [+5]

you pummel it with a six iron [+10]

it's her cat [-40]

AT THE PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party [0]

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old university drinking mate [-2]

Named Tiffany [-4]

Who is a dancer [-10]

With breast implants [-18]

HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday [0]

You buy a card and flowers [0]

you take her out to dinner [0]

you take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar [+1]

Okay, it is a sports bar [-2]

and it's all-you-can-eat night [-3]

it's a sports bar all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team [-10]

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go out with a pal [0]

The pal is happily married [+1]

The pal is single [-7]

He drives a Ferrari [-10]

With a personalised number plate (GR8NBED)[-15]

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

You take her to a movie [+2]

You take her to a movie she likes [+4]

You take her to a movie you hate [+6]

You take her to a movie you like [-2]

It's called Death Cop III [-3]

Which features cyborgs that eat humans [-9]

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans [-15]

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable beer gut [-15]

You develop a noticeable beer gut & exercise to get rid of it [+10]

You develop a noticeable beer gut and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts [-30]

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." [-800]

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

You hesitate in responding [-10]

You reply, "Where?" [-35]

You reply, "No, I think it's your bum"[-100]

Any other response [-20]

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem:

You listen, displaying a concerned expression [0]

You listen, for more than 30 minutes [+5]

You relate to her problem and share a similar experience [+50]

Your mind wanders to last weekend's game and you suddenly hear her saying,

"well, what do you think I should do ??" [-100]

You have fallen asleep [-200]

IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH

You talk [-100]

You don't talk [-150]

You spend time with her [-200]

You don't spend time with her [-500]

You are seen to be enjoying yourself [GAME OVER - YOU LOSE!!!]