Ex wife's attitude towards her kids

[Kevin1908]

I know the old joke about the place of a farang husband in a Thai wife's life 1st father, 2nd mother, 3rd brother, 4th sister, 5th dog then 6th husband but where do her own kids come?

I split from my ex 7 years ago and the kids lived with me. She visited the kids spasmodically when she lived 40 miles away then rarely when she moved to the north of England. 18 months ago she moved to Thailand to "run a business" with new partner.

Nine months ago when I holidayed in Thailand the kids spent 4 or 5 days with their mum.

I have just come back from 2 weeks in Thailand and originally the ex wanted to see the kids for a few days. I got fed up with her not contacting me or the kids to make arrangements so I made my own plans ignoring her. Never the less she met the kids on the evening we arrived and she took them out for a meal.

My kids were expecting to see her at the end of the holiday for a couple of days in Bangkok to go shoping.

A week into the holiday I ask the kids if they have heard from their mum and they announced that her mum had died and they saw the funeral on Facebook.

That was quick from a week earlier to seeing her kids to mum dieing and having the funeral but these things happen.

So we get near the end of the holiday and I ask if they are seeing their mum. No because her dad is ill now and she is looking after him. The father has always had a minor wife and he has 2 married sons. Can't any of those look after him for a couple of days so she can spend some time with her kids, assuming of course she wants to spend time with them?

Who knows when the next opportunity will arise for her to see them but at least I know where her priorities lie even if her kids don't. Am I being unfair on her?

[Beetlejuice]

According to you your ex-wife appears to be a deadbeat mum, although of course I have no idea what are the actual circumstances that led up to all this and so I am not going to assume anything.

If this is a situation where your children`s mother has little bonding with them and has priorities in her life above her children, then I would say seeing the children is her problem and you are within your rights not to put yourself out and make allowances of convenience for her.

On the other-hand, if there is more to this, perhaps you were a bad husband and things did not work out, your ex-wife has physical or mental health problems, is of little wealth or you have created a difficult situation for her or maybe the children themselves have grown apart from her or been influenced by yourself or your family that their mother is not a good person. If so than morally denying the mother quality time with her children is wrong and later on your children could turn against you once they become old enough to understand.

As for giving any other advice, only you know the actual situation and so it has to be your judgement of what you consider is right or wrong and how your ex-wife should be involved in the lives of her children.

Edited January 5, 2015 by Beetlejuice

[Lucifer]

Why O' why, would you want such a nasty woman to be a part of your children's life?

[benalibina]

Why O' why, would you want such a nasty woman to be a part of your children's life?

Because she is and will always be their mother, maybe ?

[Beetlejuice]

Why O' why, would you want such a nasty woman to be a part of your children's life?

How do you know the said mother is a nasty woman? There is always 2 sides to a story.

[sdanielmcev]

On a side note, "visited the kids spasmodically" is hilarious. My gf's kids are first. Always.

[NeverSure]

What I don't understand is that all communication with the mother is through the kids. The kids inform the OP what is happening with the mother.

This is not good for the kids. It's way too much responsibility in far too of an emotional area for kids to shoulder. It could permanently damage them. Read about co-dependency in adults.

If it was me I would leave the kids out of the thinking and planning because that's an adult issue and is too much for kids.

If there's no communication between the OP and the mother after the OP attempts it, I wouldn't mention the mother again unless she comes around to the OP, or contacts the children herself.

Take the adult sized load off those kids.

[Kf6vci]

This is sad. But I've come across such a mother before. She had dumped a young teenage girl with relatives and wouldn't even visit the kid or let it come to grandma's house during holidays.

• money wasn't an issue - grandma owned a large apartment building!
• the mother had a job as well. So they couldn't find a few hundred Baht to have her girl come and visit for at least a few days / the Summer holidays?!?

I would speak with the children about this. And call their mother, demanding that she free herself a few days and come to see her own kids!

[WhamBam]

I have to agree with the idea that you should not be letting the children be the ones to communicate with both parents to arrange and worry about things. That is the parents job.

Contact her. Make some arrangements ( let the kids hear you doing this so they know you are making an effort on their behalf ). If she fails to meet the children, be a good parent and try to make it up to them in some way, even if it is only emotionally. Then they will understand you care.

If she really does care for and miss her children she will make an effort. If you are the stumbling block and care for your children, you will also make an effort to stay in the background.

You cannot force her to see the children if she does not have that maternal instinct or she has some valid fears regarding the whole situation.

Live your life whilst you are here and enjoy your time with the children and I'd not be waiting around on the off chance she will/might turn up.

No, I do not think you are being unfair from what is said in the OP.

[recycler]

Anybody here with a jolly great ex-wife?

[A1Str8]

I have never heard that joke before but that's a dumb and false one.

[berg1666]

Pretty much the same in a lot of Asia my friend. Once the parents separate, the parent who does not have custody typically has nothing at all to do with the children. When I lived in Japan it was the norm for there to be no contact between non-custodial parent and children, it being deemed "too disruptive" to the children. In fact it actually has a lot more to do with emotional immaturity and jealousy. There is no such thing as "joint custody" in Japan either, there can only be one sole custody parent legally.

Same here in Thailand. My wife cannot believe that my (Kiwi) parents, divorced some 25 years, still work together, have family functions together etc. and bring along their current spouses. Just not the done thing here.

Edited January 7, 2015 by berg1666

[smotherb]

Anybody here with a jolly great ex-wife?

Yes, I have two ex-wives and went through amicable divorces with each. We still get along well; it has been a while since I saw either one, but I still get Christmas and Birthday greetings. I am constantly amazed at the hatred and contempt of current- or ex-spouses I see almost everywhere. It does not seem to compute to do a complete 180 in a relationship--to vehemently hate someone you once tenderly loved--but it apparently happens.

[BigC]

I know the old joke about the place of a farang husband in a Thai wife's life 1st father, 2nd mother, 3rd brother, 4th sister, 5th dog then 6th husband but where do her own kids come?

I split from my ex 7 years ago and the kids lived with me. She visited the kids spasmodically when she lived 40 miles away then rarely when she moved to the north of England. 18 months ago she moved to Thailand to "run a business" with new partner.

Nine months ago when I holidayed in Thailand the kids spent 4 or 5 days with their mum.

I have just come back from 2 weeks in Thailand and originally the ex wanted to see the kids for a few days. I got fed up with her not contacting me or the kids to make arrangements so I made my own plans ignoring her. Never the less she met the kids on the evening we arrived and she took them out for a meal.

My kids were expecting to see her at the end of the holiday for a couple of days in Bangkok to go shoping.

A week into the holiday I ask the kids if they have heard from their mum and they announced that her mum had died and they saw the funeral on Facebook.

That was quick from a week earlier to seeing her kids to mum dieing and having the funeral but these things happen.

So we get near the end of the holiday and I ask if they are seeing their mum. No because her dad is ill now and she is looking after him. The father has always had a minor wife and he has 2 married sons. Can't any of those look after him for a couple of days so she can spend some time with her kids, assuming of course she wants to spend time with them?

Who knows when the next opportunity will arise for her to see them but at least I know where her priorities lie even if her kids don't. Am I being unfair on her?

Personally looks like the kids are better off without her

Not all Thai women are bad just take your time and let her get on with her life

It's her lose she had Her chance

[smotherb]

On a side note, "visited the kids spasmodically" is hilarious. My gf's kids are first. Always.

yeah, me too, I was just trying to imagine the Joe Cocker-like moves she must have made when visiting.

[laislica]

Anybody here with a jolly great ex-wife?

Yes, my ex is English.

We were married for 25 years and had two children, the youngest was 19 when I left.

We have always been cordial with each other.

We have met a few times over the 18 years that we have been divorced, at weddings and funerals - no problem, even when I was with an English gf at those venues.

Not every breakup has to be nasty!

It takes two!

I guess that the relationship for the OP was strained for a very long time and maybe nastiness crept in.

If it did, too bad.

However, now that they are (I assume), divorced, perhaps it's time to have a talk and start a new chapter and forgive what has passed for the sake of the children.

Whilst it seems that the ex is a bad person, not knowing the whole story leaves me unable to make any informed comment - I can only speculate.

However, the OP must Man up to his responsibilities of care for the children and put away the anger and hurt and start to take care!

As other posters have said, it is an adult burden that should not be left to the children.

In answer to the OP's question; Yes, you are being unreasonable.

[1FinickyOne]

"I know the old joke about the place of a farang husband in a Thai wife's life 1st father, 2nd mother, 3rd brother, 4th sister, 5th dog then 6th husband but where do her own kids come?"

​Nobody told me that was a joke!! Actually, I am happiest when left alone and nobody bothers with me too much…

As to mothers/fathers/parents/family - you hear abt some pretty strange things in every culture. Are you being unfair to her? How? It sounds like she is pretty much calling the shots… Not nice, but kids adjust. Glad they have one parent who cares - that is one more than many other kids.

[Gillyflower]

I think it depends on the age of the children as to whether they do the arranging or not.

Berg......

Your story about your parents is surely exceptional. I'm glad for you and them. I don't think that all divorces are cat and dog stories, but one doesn't hear too many like yours.

[SOTIRIOS]

...in 12 years....I have done my all for my daughters....including raising them for 5 days a week...for over 5 years....solo....

..in the 13th year.....due to a financial crisis.....she is forced to 'dish out'.....

...this has prompted all hell to break loose....for the littlest of things like dish soap, laundry detergent, toilet paper, food.....

...as far as the wife and her cronies are concerned....the 12 previous years never happened...

...close to 5 million baht in revenue...

..all the while...stashing her funds for herself.....with everything being in her name to begin with....

..now my daughters are her 'lap dogs'........do as they are told or they are threatened with 'no food'......or.....'walking to school'....

...but when in public.....'Oh my daughters, my daughters'.....

...nothing to gain....no interest.....except to save face.....

...that is my experience....

[John1thru10]

If you're so lonely that the only people you can talk about your relationship with your wife with, are on TVF, it's time to give the members a chance to say it was another coverup.

[ggt]

Tough lesson for the kids...life does not always play out the way we expect it to...roll with the flow...move on...try not to dwell on the negative for the kids sake...

[davidmann]

iv seen a thai mum try to sell her daughter ,price of a iPhone ,shocked i was ,welcome to asia Mr

[Lucifer]

Why O' why, would you want such a nasty woman to be a part of your children's life?

Because she is and will always be their mother, maybe ?

If I was a woman and had children, you'd have to prise them out of my cold, dead hands, before I'd let someone take them off me.

Anything else, is unforgivable.

[Lucifer]

iv seen a thai mum try to sell her daughter ,price of a iPhone ,shocked i was ,welcome to asia Mr

What phone do you use now?

[HooHaa]

Anybody here with a jolly great ex-wife?

yes, my ex is fine, great even there are hiccups, but we have managed well apart for 8 years. for the sake of the kid.

the fact the she married a very good man helps.

[Nemesis7]

Give more time to the kids if you can

[how241]

Why O' why, would you want such a nasty woman to be a part of your children's life?

How do you know the said mother is a nasty woman? There is always 2 sides to a story.

+1...Good + bad everywhere and always 2 very different sides to most stories. Good Luck.

[wolfmanjack]

No you are not being unreasonable.

My wife only lives 18 kms away and in the last 6 months she has picked up my son on his bday to take him shopping and picked up my daughter 3 days after her bday to take her shopping.

Then has the nerve to tell the family that i am stopping her from seeing the kids even though I have never said such a thing. Actually her sister and her sisters kids meet us for buffet dinners about once a month but my wife is always too busy to show up. At least that is her excuse.

Just because a woman gives birth does not make her a mother in any way except biologically.

[Briggsy]

Maybe just seeing them now and again makes her feel sad and she can't face it.

Throughout Asia, when couples with children split, the parent that doesn't have custody often has little to do with the kids. It is thought to be unsettling for the children to be bounced between homes or parents every week or fortnight. In the West, the reverse is thought to be true and parents who don't contact their children are judged as bad.

[AnotherOneAmerican]

When they don't live with you, you get to not care much about them.

When my former wife took my children, I made the effort for 6 months, was always knocked back and given a hard time, and in the end just gave up on them.

It's just the way it is.

Normally it's the guy that gives up, in your case it's mom.