Is it OK for gay parents to prefer their kids grow up to be gay?

[Jingthing]

I have to admit I never thought about this before.

I have always assumed that almost all straight parents want their kids to turn out straight whether they admit it or not and gay parents certainly wouldn't openly say they prefer their kids to turn out gay even if they did.

But this article suggests that might be worth rethinking.

If it's wrong for gay parents to want their kids to turn out gay, then is it also wrong for straight parents to want their kids to turn out straight? If that's true, then face it, almost all straight parents are wrong ... and that doesn't exactly make sense, does it?

I’m gay. And I want my kid to be gay, too.

Many of my straight friends, even the most liberal, see this logic as warped. It’s one thing for them to admit that they would prefer their kids to be straight, something they’ll only begrudgingly confess. But wanting my daughter to be a lesbian? I might as well say I want her to grow up to be lactose intolerant.

...
The problem is not the idea that homosexuality could be a choice but the idea that heterosexuality should be compulsory.
...

[redandyellow]

As a labeled heterosexual ( labels are for jam jars?), a carpenter and a special needs teacher albeit with no children, I have learned to live and let live, but I would have to have a gay child to actually know if I could walk the talk. I think I could, in terms of having no expectation that the child be straight or gay..

Remember, a lot of us were brainwashed growing up. I was labelled gay a few times in my youth, I did not like it..perhaps gayness is like everything else, like ADHD, a continuum.

If so, few could claim with full veracity to be 100% gay or straight, especially having spent enough time in LOS, with some of the kathoeys walking around out there..

I realize that's not your thing JT..

Signed,

98% straight?

[meatboy]

let them decide for themselves.

[robertthebruce]

Whatever happens as long as they are Healthy and Happy that's the main thing for me...

[Scott]

I have children so I think I can give a little bit of insight into this. We tend to see ourselves through the eyes of our children and as such, we gain a sort of validity from them. As a gay person, it would have been nice to have a loving and caring adult to guide us through some of the very troubling times that most gay youth experience. I don't think I ever wished that my children were gay -- but then I don't think most parents think of their children in any way as sexual beings -- but if one of them was, I would have suffered no anxiety about it.

One of my sons at one point did think he was gay (an early teen sexual play with a neighbor boy), but he wasn't.

[Jingthing]

Interesting.

I don't have kids and don't want any ... but my impression is that straight parents very often presume future sexual roles for their children. Like if they have a handsome boy, they'll say you're gonna break so many hearts some day and they don't mean male hearts, do they?

I still think most straight parents are very clear they want straight kids and there is no taboo to stop them.

I still think most gay parents prefer straight kids due the "harder life" argument ... and also they were mostly raised by straight people, so social conditioning.

I also think gay people don't really hold it against straight parents for wanting straight kids as long as they are tolerant if that doesn't happen.

So why would it be shocking for gay people to want gay kids, which as the OP writer points out, it is?

If I try to imagine myself as a parent (not an easy thing to do) well, I wouldn't be so happy if my kid grew up to be a right wing republican either!

Of course statistically speaking, the vast majority of children of gays are going to turn out straight regardless of wishes ... there is no evidence that having gay parents has an impact on that either way.

Edited February 21, 2015 by Jingthing

[Swiss1960]

Strange question coming from you, JT... or from any other gay or lesbian person that is...

Is it not the LGBT community that cries out "FOUL" every time they hear about parents trying to "enforce" the heterosexual lifestyle to their children and try to "wipe out" any non-heterosexual thoughts?

I personally accept the lifestyle of my children and I would personally cry "foul" too, if I hear from lesbian or gay parents telling me that THEY perfer a certain sexuality for their children... because it is exactly what they (specially in their own lifes) condemn and despise from the "other side"...

[manarak]

Most people I know just strive for normalcy and want their children to be "normal" and be singled out for anything that others might perceive as a negative trait.

I'm not sure gay parents' wish to be normal is as strong as straight parents' wish due to a probable history of being singled out themselves and subsequent strong will.

* in the above, "normal" does does carry any other meaning than the mathematical meaning related to bell curve statistics.

[StefanBBK]

We all want many thinks to happen but don't have the choice. Some want their kids to be this or that. As parents we can influence certain things, promote talents, guide etc..

I don't think any parent can influence their child's sexual orientation.

Other than that, I think it is OK for gay parents to want their kids to be gay. Again, I don't think there is any way for gay parents to make their kids gay.

[draftvader]

A parent should only want 2 things for their children. To be healthy and happy.

My little girl is very obviously (even at 3) straight. She gets ridiculously silly in front of good looking, tall, Asian men (her favourite target is actually gay but that's for her to work out). Nonetheless I wouldn't care a damn. If she chooses to be a lesbian dustman but is happy and healthy then I have succeeded. It is her life, not mine.

[draftvader]

I have children so I think I can give a little bit of insight into this. We tend to see ourselves through the eyes of our children and as such, we gain a sort of validity from them. As a gay person, it would have been nice to have a loving and caring adult to guide us through some of the very troubling times that most gay youth experience. I don't think I ever wished that my children were gay -- but then I don't think most parents think of their children in any way as sexual beings -- but if one of them was, I would have suffered no anxiety about it.

One of my sons at one point did think he was gay (an early teen sexual play with a neighbor boy), but he wasn't.

You obviously gave the lad the space to find out. That was the right thing to do. Sure, not a great heterosexual but a great Dad

We have a lovely married lesbian couple as friends. They are looking at having children. The plans is to use the more dominant partner's brother's sperm (near perfect plan) to artificially (I did playfully ask if it wasn't just cheaper to sleep with him....I do love winding her up....as much as she enjoys the banter with me) inseminate. I have talked at length about this subject with them and I know that the child will have 2 great mothers. I know many children grow up with just 1 parent for a wide variety of reasons. There is no perfect parenting formula. The best we can do is support our children so they know they can come to us with anything at all. This includes a sexuality of their own choice.

[Scott]

JT: I have one who I am pretty sure is a Republican, but fortunately he usually keeps that side of himself in the closet! And he better, after all there is that little problem of who I leave what to! His brother elected to be Canadian and fortunately they don't really have Republicans up there!

[Jingthing]

A parent should only want 2 things for their children. To be healthy and happy.

My little girl is very obviously (even at 3) straight. She gets ridiculously silly in front of good looking, tall, Asian men (her favourite target is actually gay but that's for her to work out). Nonetheless I wouldn't care a damn. If she chooses to be a lesbian dustman but is happy and healthy then I have succeeded. It is her life, not mine.

What people "should" feel and what they ACTUALLY feel are quite commonly not the same thing.

All I'm saying is that if the world accepts that straight people usually prefer their kids grow up to be straight, and they clearly do so if you don't accept that we have nothing to discuss, the article in the OP raises an interesting question. Why is something common and generally accepted as "normal" from straights not acceptable for gay parents?

(It may also be true that male homosexuality is often a bigger taboo than female homosexuality, which is actually a popular heterosexual male fantasy topic.)

Well I think there is more to this question than is immediately obvious.

Gay people being parents continues to be controversial in most countries.

If gay people did have a higher percentage of gay kids than expected statistically, that would be used by enemies of gay civil rights as an argument why gay people shouldn't be allowed kids.

(Even more so, if two gay male parents raise a son and he turns out gay ... face it, much of society would look on in disapproval and even suspect molestation. )

Consider what that implies.

It implies that people who raise gay kids did something wrong, weren't the best of parents, didn't get the most "desirable" results with their kids.

Although I've never considered this before and it isn't an issue for me personally and never will be, I think this is worth looking at.

I do see the other side of it. Two wrongs don't make a right. Ideally of course no parents would feel any preference in this regard. But that's not real world.

What percentage of gay adults today can honestly say they felt their parents did not wish them to grow up straight?

Edited February 22, 2015 by Jingthing

[draftvader]

A parent should only want 2 things for their children. To be healthy and happy.

My little girl is very obviously (even at 3) straight. She gets ridiculously silly in front of good looking, tall, Asian men (her favourite target is actually gay but that's for her to work out). Nonetheless I wouldn't care a damn. If she chooses to be a lesbian dustman but is happy and healthy then I have succeeded. It is her life, not mine.

What people "should" feel and what they ACTUALLY feel are quite commonly not the same thing.

All I'm saying is that if the world accepts that straight people usually prefer their kids grow up to be straight, and they clearly do so if you don't accept that we have nothing to discuss, the article in the OP raises an interesting question. Why is something common and generally accepted as "normal" from straights not acceptable for gay parents?

(It may also be true that male homosexuality is often a bigger taboo than female homosexuality, which is actually a popular heterosexual male fantasy topic.)

Well I think there is more to this question than is immediately obvious.

Gay people being parents continues to be controversial in most countries.

If gay people did have a higher percentage of gay kids than expected statistically, that would be used by enemies of gay civil rights as an argument why gay people shouldn't be allowed kids.

(Even more so, if two gay male parents raise a son and he turns out gay ... face it, much of society would look on in disapproval and even suspect molestation. )

Consider what that implies.

It implies that people who raise gay kids did something wrong, weren't the best of parents, didn't get the most "desirable" results with their kids.

Although I've never considered this before and it isn't an issue for me personally and never will be, I think this is worth looking at.

I do see the other side of it. Two wrongs don't make a right. Ideally of course no parents would feel any preference in this regard. But that's not real world.

What percentage of gay adults today can honestly say they felt their parents did not wish them to grow up straight?

The world is certainly a different place than it was when I was growing up. I was born in 74 so "grew up" in the 80s when I remember the massive discussions about homosexuality, perversely bought about by the attention given to AIDS. I was raised with Kenny Everett and Freddy Mercury as the "polarisation" of gay and AIDS. It has taken much of my adult life to come to the conclusions I have, from that position, but I feel that more and more people are accepting of homosexuality in the modern world and believe that my child's generation will find more acceptance of their choices in regards sexuality. This acceptance will, finally, make it through to the parental aspect.

Again it is quite simple. People should not (and can not) try to affect their children's decisions on sexuality. A good friend of mine lost his Mum and his "husband" recently (sadly died too soon to allow them to marry properly) and is left with his brother (fairly supportive) and his Dad who is still in denial. What a horrible situation to be in just because a parental ego got in the way.

If his father hadn't had this attitude then he would have got to know my friend's husband who was an absolute delight and much missed. My friend is still the shadow of his former self and could really do with his Dad being there for him.

In answer to your question I doubt it would be a very high percentage. However I expect if you ask my generation (I imagine I am 1 after yours...I'm 40) I am confident the odds are better and if you ask the 20 somethings it was better still. We're getting there and with that will come the acceptance of gay parenting. With more people being given that respect by their parents we can see that there is some brightness in the future!

[draftvader]

By the way I forgot to say "Thank you" for an OP that has given me an opportunity to post in this forum. Good subject for inclusion.

[danbradster]

I am having a child. I would not want them to become gay because of Thai cultural influence e.g. TV, comedy and katoeys, but if it happens naturally, then so be it.

[Jingthing]

I am having a child. I would not want them to become gay because of Thai cultural influence e.g. TV, comedy and katoeys, but if it happens naturally, then so be it.

I get what you are saying. Thai culture tends to think trans and gay are the sane.

Sent from my Lenovo S820_ROW using Thaivisa Connect Thailand mobile app

[onthemoon]

I am having a child. I would not want them to become gay because of Thai cultural influence e.g. TV, comedy and katoeys, but if it happens naturally, then so be it.

And your homecountry's cultural influence ensures that all children become straight, right? Hmm, you must be from Iran.

Edited February 22, 2015 by onthemoon

[Mooner]

Gay or heterosexual. You should not have any decision on your children's sexuality.

[Jingthing]

Gay or heterosexual. You should not have any decision on your children's sexuality.

Of course.

But I don't think this topic is about making such decisions.

More about what parents might prefer whether they admit it or not.

BTW, I think there are non-discriminatory reasons that parents would want their kids to be straight. Parents often want grandchildren and usually prefer a biological connection to the grandchildren as well. That is definitely more statistically likely if your child is straight. Less likely with a lesbian daughter, and much less likely with a gay son. This can be a big deal when there is only one son, etc.

Gay parents may sometimes feel the same way, wanting biological grandchildren. Why wouldn't they?

You know, legal equality is one thing, but there is no point in pretending that being gay or lesbian is exactly the same social situation as being straight, or that it ever will be.

Edited February 22, 2015 by Jingthing

[Jingthing]

This song describes me.

Anyone else?

[keithathome]

A parent should only want 2 things for their children. To be healthy and happy.

My little girl is very obviously (even at 3) straight. She gets ridiculously silly in front of good looking, tall, Asian men (her favourite target is actually gay but that's for her to work out). Nonetheless I wouldn't care a damn. If she chooses to be a lesbian dustman but is happy and healthy then I have succeeded. It is her life, not mine.

(IN JEST) Saints preserve us from fag hags