For a while now, I have thought it may be fun to start a topic in the spirit of Jeff Foxworthy's " You might be a redneck if..." routine about life in Thailand.

There are things about life in Thailand that you do not find often in other places and I find many of them humorous.

I will start with a couple I have in mind and hope others will add theirs.

Let's try to make this a humorous thread and not another bashing one...o.k.?

Here are my first three:

You may be in Thailand if...... there is a roll of toilet paper on the table you are eating at, and no toilet paper in the bathroom!

You may be in Thailand if.....the police fine you for driving without a driver's licence and give you a letter stating that you can not be fined again for driving without a licence for the next 24 hours!

You may be in Thailand if....your wife refers to five different women as her grandmother!

What have you got to add?

You may be in Thailand if....Your wife is eating cake for breakfast

you may be in thailand if .....being 3 score and seven a hot chick says u hansum man......and u believe it

You may be in Thailand if....Your wife is eating cake for breakfast

We in middle Europe eat cake for breakfast....

You may be in Thailand if....Your wife is eating cake for breakfast

We in middle Europe eat cake for breakfast....

You mean You want your cake and eat it !

You may be in Thailand if while dining at a world class Italian Restaurant in a five star hotel your GF orders ketchup for her dish......and in looking around, she's not the only one.

if you pick your nose on the sky train. ( and too long if you inspect your findings)

... if you don't even look twice when you see 4 children riding to school on one motorbike.

You maybe in Thailand if..........5 people riding motorcycle is normal and not a display team

You maybe in Thailand if..........people think that a fruit that smells like dog poop is the best thing since sliced bread

You maybe in Thailand if..........there are rules but..............not really, just guidelines to follow when not in a hurry

You maybe in Thailand if..........you see someone of the female looking persuasion but have a voice like Barry White

You maybe in Thailand if - After working away for a month on arriving home you put 2 rolls of toilet paper in the freezer

You maybe in Thailand if - The following day you are looking for toilet paper out of the freezer to soothe the 2nd burn

You maybe in Thailand if - When the missus starts cooking it can be mistaken for tear gas with all the chilli vapours

You maybe in Thailand if - Going out for dinner can involve eating from various street vendors

You maybe in Thailand if - Half the cars parked anywhere have the windscreen wipers lifted up off the glass

YOU MAY BE IN THAILAND IF......

You get Sniffed (It's called a HOM) by Sundry Thai Females, in no particular pecking order..

YOU MAY BE IN THAILAND IF......

you see 3 legged dogs running around all over the place

you see attractive females, all with motorcycle scars

you see men that look better than many of the women

you see a man with no arms and legs, pushing a small bowl with his head on a busy Bangkok street

you see Thai women working on construction sites with bare feet - and plenty of boards with nails sticking out

you see farang hanging around outside 7-11's, drinking Large Chang beers

you see touts that turn from sycophants to vicious sharks

you see the truth

YOU MAY BE IN THAILAND IF......

you see 3 legged dogs running around all over the place

you see attractive females, all with motorcycle scars

you see men that look better than many of the women

you see a man with no arms and legs, pushing a small bowl with his head on a busy Bangkok street

you see Thai women working on construction sites with bare feet - and plenty of boards with nails sticking out

you see farang hanging around outside 7-11's, drinking Large Chang beers

you see touts that turn from sycophants to vicious sharks

you see the truth

What is a sycophant? A new style of trouser perhaps?

YOU MAY BE IN THAILAND IF......

you see 3 legged dogs running around all over the place

you see attractive females, all with motorcycle scars

you see men that look better than many of the women

you see a man with no arms and legs, pushing a small bowl with his head on a busy Bangkok street

you see Thai women working on construction sites with bare feet - and plenty of boards with nails sticking out

you see farang hanging around outside 7-11's, drinking Large Chang beers

you see touts that turn from sycophants to vicious sharks

you see the truth

What is a sycophant?

A psychopath mouth breather

Thailand where they sit on Tables and eat off the floor

You may be in Thailand if....Your wife is eating cake for breakfast

We in middle Europe eat cake for breakfast....

When I read the news of lately, I think most in Europe eat cake all day.

....You drive 3 hours, then carry buckets of boiled eggs to put on a shelf for 20 minutes, then bring them back home....

(I'm all for boiled egg tourism).

You find footprints on your toilet seat.

You've been in Thailand too long if the footprints are yours.

you may be Thailand if

you get on an an anonymous internet forum about Thailand and feel obligated to inject how things are in your native country at every opportunity and how things are bigger and better there and try and draw tenuous comparisons with Thailand

You see big fat, hairy, old expats, with singha vests on, who pretend they have money

MOVED to the Pub

You may be in Thailand if...... you get 3 different answers, when asking 3 different lawyers a simple question... (and they all smile and say "don't worry")

You may be in Thailand if...... you wake up next to the hot girl you danced with last night, but who now looks very much like a boy....

You may be in Thailand if your GF packs condoms in your bag when you go on a motorcycle road trip with friends...

Deleted all 12 items as this is supposed to be a light-hearted look at things, and should not cover things like mushroom pickers and cop killers "justice" or drivers on the roads.

Oh...one can stay...

When people in restaurants sit cross-legged on the chairs.

You may be in Thailand if your GF packs condoms in your bag when you go on a motorcycle road trip with friends...

Or she says that if you take up a mia noi, make sure she's ugly.

You are definitely in Thailand when....You have a choice of closing the toilet door or dropping your pants, but not enough time to do both.

You are definitely in Thailand when.... you consider any less than four near-death experiences per kilometre travelled on the road to be somewhat of a slow day.

You are definitely in Thailand when.... you can recognise a European fresh of the boat before even the bar girls do.

You are definitely in Thailand when.... you can sit at an open bar and within 15 minutes you could have purchased everything you could possibly not want in the world from street hawkers.

You are definitely in Thailand when.... you profess to be an officianado of how to correctly use a bum gun without any splash back whatsoever.

You are definitely NOT in Thailand when...you desperately miss the aforementioned bum gun when completing your ablutions.

You may be in Thailand if you see a huge truck driving up the hard shoulder of a motorway on the wrong side.

You may be in Thailand if you see a fat beer bellied, tattooed, facial haired, wife beater wearing Farang with a

beautiful young Thai girl about a third of his age holding his hand walking down the street.

You may be in Thailand if you see a market stall holder Thai person with a wad of money chasing someone and

shouting " you forgot your change".

You see big fat, hairy, old expats, with singha vests on, who pretend they have money

They are not pretending if they are with a young Thai girl about a third of their age.

you may be in Thailand if you complain that drawing money from an ATM might invoke charges.