How does one handle permanently drunk brothers of GF's?

[a99az]

Laozi has said:

a bottle of 285 every second day, and soon your problem will go away... rhyme !

Yes the easy way, keep him fully loaded on the hi octane Thai fuel and he won't be around for much longer.

[MockingJay]

Cyanide helps!

[misterphil]

Easy.

Get a new girlfriend that doesn't have any brothers.

[rayongchelsea]

Have a similar problem drinker in my extended Thai family. He and his wife (also increasingly drunk over her inability to cope with her loser husband) lived with MIL. We live nearby and the whole family is pretty close-knit - evening meal always taken group-mode.

My wife got them and family kicked out of the MIL's house. 6 months later my MIL relented and accepted them back to live.

I provide family support where it is needed have paid to help this increasingly drunk sister-in-law to get a school assistant's job and would pay to support her daughters if it all came to tears (I would do that in the UK in an equivalent situation; I'm not especially charitable (or stupid), just lucky to have had a good ride in life and a believer that families are important). I would never pay money for him other than a one-time attempt to get him proper help if I was convinced he wanted help.

My wife has never asked for help for him or his wife. It should not be assumed that all Thai ladies are helplessly bound to the family-first concept. They can be just as strong-minded as any Western gal, so don't fall into the trap of using Thainess as an excuse for sticking with a relationship or family situation that is driving you mental.

Even when you are not asked, it leaves you with a moral dilemna. They are both heading for the grave at 35. My wife is quite clear that the situation will only resolve if her sister kicks drunken bum out and it seems to me that it is only lack of confidence about a husband-less future (emotional and financial) that prevents this. It is quite possible that the offer of some financial support would lubricate the right result, but every piece of advice I ever read steers me away from getting involved. Being selfish I could paint many pictures where it goes badly for me (violent husband backlash being uppermost).

It's all the stuff of life in Thailand. Drives you mad but still way better than sitting on a promenade in Broadstairs or hacking round yet another windy golf course. What a barmy proposition that TV members seem to postulate here. Leave a perfectly good relationship in pursuit of some mythical invention whereby you choose a life-style on the basis of no extended family ties or some perfection of family ties? Save it for the bar-stool johnnies, many of whom probably never had a proper relationship in their lives.

Life in Thailand ( or elsewhere) is still better without out all this " stuff". You ain't helping at all from your stool of superiority....

[Rhys]

This is what you do..take the girlfriend leave or the brothers leech off you, cause you much grief, and you will ended up leaving your tee rak.

[Gandtee]

So, the 5 year old daughter is the one really suffering in this. She must be the first priority.Can you not take responsibility for her. Keep her with you and your wife and ban the father to his shack? Try not to let her be exposed to her fathers antics. Another problem is that I expect that she loves him, and could see you as the guilty one in this mess. I don't envy you.

[nithisa78]

I don't know that a drunk can be handled. I've tried helping more than one and I end up in the lock up.

When I am in such a bind of any kind, I double my spiritual efforts. There is no shortage of Temples in Thailand.

Alcohol, whether you can hold it or not, it is the #1 International epidemic. Do some detective work, it is at cause for near everything that the pissers and moaners on TV have to cry about.

Ask and you shall be given seek and you will find.

Best of love and luck.

If none of that works, you could shoot him. Sounds like he'd thank you.

Please don't shoot him.

[GOLDBUGGY]

Everyone is powerless in trying to change him. Only he can do that himself and right now it doesn't sound like he wants to yet.

As for you, and if he is ruining your life, then move away. I would not have anyone with that much power over my life and happiness. Just tell your wife why. He is not your problem or even your wife's, but if she wants to take on this responsibility then let her. This Drunk Brother has already ruined peoples lives so what is one more.

If there is one thing I learnt in life, at rather an old age, is that it is better to live alone then it is to live in misery.

[chilli42]

He is an alcoholic. You can't help him. He can only help himself under the guidance of others. You need to get him out of your life. You have to give the GF a choice, you or him. Don't worry, if she chooses him there are many other girls in Thailand that don't have alcoholics in the family.

[rockyysdt]

It seems this is very common in this country.

Are there also female versions who get smashed regularly?

[steven100]

Laozi has said:

a bottle of 285 every second day, and soon your problem will go away... rhyme !

Yes the easy way, keep him fully loaded on the hi octane Thai fuel and he won't be around for much longer.

I hear there's some good alcohol getting around India at the moment .... just a couple of bottles should work well .....

[Rockhound]

Already suggested...

[huawei]

It seems this is very common in this country.

Are there also female versions who get smashed regularly?

Yes, plus add the gambling ( cards).

[Peer1000]

Hi,

as the oldest brother of my wife became clean of alcohol now since 8 years and the father of one of our staff got dry since five years, it seems to me, that Thai people know how to handle this bad situation.

Both almost ruined their life and that of their family. Brother became angry after drinking and almost killed so with a nife. Went to jail a few years. So what changed their life?

Sometimes a certain period living as a monk in a wat may help. They have certain ceremonies for addicted people and sometimes they visit special moo doo. The father is still monk, living near his family and I see him on funerals and weddings where he works as a monk. So you could take her brother to the wat, to make him become a monk. Maybe you give a donation, buy him monk clothes etc. If you and you wife visit him with some fruits in the beginning two to three times a week, he will remember that you love him.

The brother of my wife wasn't that easy to heal. As Thai believe, we went with him to a special Wat a few hundred km away, where addicted and family got treated in a special ceremony early in the morning. We had to go there twice but than together with he taking care of his family, he new he had to take care, that this was his last chance, he got dry, now its for eight years. Well, he didn't make a big career since than, and my wife stopped talking to him, but he then went his way dry by his own, without us, having to take care of him. Every weekend, I vist them and bring them fruit for a hundred Bhat and he smiles, taking the fruits, and that smile lights the deepest night.

[Tarteso]

While you're there, he will use your help forever. The charity is humiliating because it is exercised vertically from above.

Charity wrong word.

Call it fixed allowance to help out.

Care for another human being.

Up to you what you do with it.

Not dependant on absolutely anything in return.

No pretences regarding relationship.

Completely open.

Women prefer straight forward no lies.

Not see me, still assist.

This is the Buddhist way.

I have no obligation to give brother anything.

Only concern, loss of face during drunken period.

surely youre not giving him money for alcohol?? thats enabling!

I'm talking about my GF.

Zero transaction with him.

No Sir: "charity" is not a wrong word, I can tell you more... Then the "solidarity" is horizontal, but that involves mutual respect. I don't see where is the respect to you and to your GF.

[Anthony5]

Sponsor his booze and buy him a faster bike, problem solved soon.

[EmptyHead]

This "family comes first" thing isn't Thai culture.

It's only in families full of leaches with one who supports everyone.

In families with responsible members, this problem doesn't exist cos everyone takes care of themselves. Yes, of course they are still family, but there is no burden. And you never hear any of this, "I have to take care of my family", nonsense.

I am not sure what you are asking. At the start of the thread I thought I knew, but after reading your follow up posts, it seems you just want advice on what to do when he is drunk and it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Well, you can observe the sensation and transcend your feelings, or you can take a walk and avoid it on the days he is drunk.

Also, I would like to point out that you said he only gets dunk when he gets money and you are more or less the provider of this. You could cut the money totally and see how your GF reacts. You can still buy necessary items, but don't give her cash. You may learn a thing or two.

If she starts causing a problem about this I would consider leaving her.

And have you told her how uncomfortable it makes you feel, especially given your past with an alcoholic father? I don't mean casually mentioned it, I mean a proper sit-down talk. If she doesn't wholeheartedly try to makes things better (even a little) and continues to say, "He's family.......", then I would consider leaving her too. You would have to try to find some evidence that she cares about you, otherwise what's the point?

[rockyysdt]

Everyone is assuming GF is my wife.

I don't need a wife.

Marriage is an archaic institution which doesn't fit all relationships today and sets people up for suffering.

One can never own another.

Far better to appreciate another for themselves and not what they can do for me.

The other assumption is that I want to change the brother.

I can't change myself, how could I ever change him?

[rockyysdt]

P M.

You will need to explain.

I have no idea what your point or advice is.

[nithisa78]

In interviews with other news organizations, he described making pancakes out of flour fried in oil, collecting rainwater with a bucket, and using a net to catch fish that would swim in and out of his clothes when he put them over the side to rinse them.

He told WAVY-TV in Portsmouth, Virginia, (http://bit.ly/1FpmfUd) that he rationed his water to about a pint a day.

"Every day I was like, 'Please God, send me some rain, send me some water,'" he said.

God did and he's safe and sound. Try it.

[nithisa78]

Everyone is assuming GF is my wife.

I don't need a wife.

Marriage is an archaic institution which doesn't fit all relationships today and sets people up for suffering.

One can never own another.

Far better to appreciate another for themselves and not what they can do for me.

The other assumption is that I want to change the brother.

I can't change myself, how could I ever change him?

It isn't marriage that's archaic. It is the people who don't know how to make it work.

The quiters. I abide by the customs and laws of the land. I've yet to hear you are now joined together in holy GF and BF.

[rockyysdt]

If she is buying him booze, you have a very stupid GF. tell her she's doing him no favours. there are plenty of weddings and funerals where he can cadge drinks.

She said he collects and sells bugs, mushrooms, honey combs, snakes, & fish to sell.

That is how he can afford to drink.

[BV70]

I can't offer advice but maybe share an experience: my gf has just used her life savings bailing out her brother on a drugs possession charge. Obviously I'm livid but understand family status in Thailand and had to accept it's her money to do with as she pleases. However my gf is strong and has basically told her brother to sort his life out and pay her back the money she used to save his ass from the slammer.

The point of this being that if your gf is fed up with her brother's actions then it's up to her to put her foot down and tell him to sort his life out. By doing this she saves face by reducing the shame he brings on her family. Your involvement should be only to support your gf and not her brother's habit. Make her choose and the likelihood is she'll choose her family over you, and I'm sure you don't want it to get to that stage.

[rockyysdt]

We are all limited by our own experiences.

You would need to have lived my life to understand.

I your life as well.

Also there is much of the puzzle missing from your view.

I still thank you.

[rockyysdt]

I can't offer advice but maybe share an experience: my gf has just used her life savings bailing out her brother on a drugs possession charge. Obviously I'm livid but understand family status in Thailand and had to accept it's her money to do with as she pleases. However my gf is strong and has basically told her brother to sort his life out and pay her back the money she used to save his ass from the slammer.

The point of this being that if your gf is fed up with her brother's actions then it's up to her to put her foot down and tell him to sort his life out. By doing this she saves face by reducing the shame he brings on her family. Your involvement should be only to support your gf and not her brother's habit. Make her choose and the likelihood is she'll choose her family over you, and I'm sure you don't want it to get to that stage.

I had a similar experience with another some years ago.

The brother was up on cannabis possession.

My response was, "what better way to learn than by facing the music".

In terms of the GF.

She doesn't like the behavior but she doesn't make it her problem.

The suffering is the brothers.

In terms of the daughter, she takes on a mother role as well as auntie (very close).

[rockyysdt]

Yes.

To the point that I wouldn't be visiting the home.

She gave him his orders.

I must say today he's been a gentleman, has stayed sober and hasn't tried to shake me down.

Came home with 1 mushroom some wild Honey comb and cooked a great baby squid dish for me.

[nithisa78]

O learned one, in this iron age of Kali men have but short lives. They are quarrelsome, lazy, misguided, unlucky and, above all, always disturbed.” (Shrimad Bhagavatam, 1.1.10)

[rockyysdt]

O learned one, in this iron age of Kali men have but short lives. They are quarrelsome, lazy, misguided, unlucky and, above all, always disturbed.” (Shrimad Bhagavatam, 1.1.10)

Is this a metaphor?

Are you able to share?

[Beng]

Contact the government. Seems he is a perfect example for their "no alcohol" campaign.

[steven100]

maybe what peer1000 suggested is not such a bad idea ... talk to the GF and have her initiate it and make him relocate to the Wat for a few months. Buy him his robes and whatever and drop him off there ... talk to the chief monk and explain the problem with him ...

Leave him at the Wat so he can become a monk and have him realize he needs to stop drinking or he's finished.

This appears to be the best solution I've heard ...