I came home one evening and my girlfriend was laying seductively on the bed wearing some of them crotchless panties.

She motions to me to come over and says "You want some of this?"

I said "###### no! Look what it's done to your panties!"

Reminds me of a very, very bad one, so, hopefully, nobody will read it,...

A guy comes back to his home after a long, long trip.

Quite horny, as he should be, he "jumps" on his wife.

The wife:

"Honey, please, I have my period, we can not do it now"

The husband:

"I can't wait, I have been away for so long"

And further it goes,...

The door bell rings.

Husband goes to open the door and the mailman is there:

The husband: "What can I do for you"

"Sorry, Sir, do you mind if I ask but you seem to be injured, some blood on you?"

"Do not worry, I had some accident, hitting something"

"It must have been the toilet bowl because you have blood on your chin and shit on your forehead,..."