Medical Reports

[Guest Lazarus]

From Mercoal.com

If you’re looking for a good laugh then keep on reading. I received the following excerpts from medical records in an e-mail and thought you’d find them as amusing as I did. Laughing and smiling is truly an important part of health.

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records, as dictated by physicians

"Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities."

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

"Discharge status: Alive but without permission.."

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

She is numb from her toes down.

The skin was moist and dry.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room