Bar Troubleshooting Guide

Found this on a web site years ago. Web page doesn’t come up now but it was: http://wwitch.unl.edu/nhood/trouble.html

Bar Troubleshooting Guide

Symptom: Driniking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear

Fault: Glass empty

Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer

Symptom: Driniking fails to give taste and satisfaction and the front of your shirt is wet

Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face

Action Required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique

Symptom: Feet cold and wet

Fault: Glass being held t incorrect angle

Action Required: Turn glass the other way up so that open end points toward ceiling

Symptom: Feet warm and wet

Fault: Improper bladder control

Action Required: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house graining and demand a beer as compensation

Symptom: Floor swaying

Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress

Action Required: Insert broom handle down back of jacket

Symptom: Floor moving

Fault: You are being carried out

Action Required: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip

Fault: You have fallen over backwards

Action Required: If your glass in full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up and lash yourself to the bar

Symptom: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts

Fault: You have fallen forward

Action Required: See above

Symptom: Everything has gone dark

Fault: Bar is closing

Action Required: Panic

Symptom: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold, and wet. You cannot see your bedroom

Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter

Action Required: Check your watch, if you still have it, to see if bars are open yet. It not, treat yourself to a lie-in

Bottoms Up!