Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, No, the steaks are too high.

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it.

"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe? Roberto.

What kind of television do horses like? Saddle-lite TV

What do you get if you cross a cow with a camel? A lumpy milkshake.

What did the angry inflatable teacher say to the irresponsible inflatable child in the inflatable school? Not only have you let me down, you've let yourself down, and you've let the whole school down!

What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud

A bit of green tar is having a drink at a bar when a bit of black tar walks in, nuts two people and kicks a third in the head. The barman tells the green tar that the black tar really is the local hard nut and to stay away. Moments later a piece of red tar walks in and the black tar runs out as fast as possible. "Why did he just run off like that then?" asks the green tar. The barman replies "Because that guys a cycle path"

brilliant

great read boo

great read boo

Any more Boo ?

Yes they were bad